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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Found on DP tablet...

348 replies

Kione · 16/07/2013 15:56

A series of flirting conversations with old friends, one or two with whome he's had sex. I have been with him 7 years had DD in 2009, these chats are from 2010,11 Dec. 2013...
and one dodgy conversation about his phone being left under the sofa at one of his colleages (female) house. It might be the night they had the xmas party when he told me he stayed at the hotel where the party was. But I am not sure. Even if it wasnt the night of the party, he has never mentioned going to her house.
If you remember me, we havent been getting on that great, and we went through a stage where I didnt feel like having sex with him...
So I am so confused. Should I confront him? how'??
I only opened his tablet cos our computer is being repaired, fb wad open with these chats. I am sure many more could have been deleted...
I dont know how to feel right now

OP posts:

Report

cfc · 18/07/2013 07:43

God, I really feel for you, OP.

When you have children and a previously loving and supportive husband/partner, it must feel like you really need some proper concrete evidence before you can chance ending it because of this. Working from the circumstantial evidence you do have can seem just not enough.

It is so easy for us to sit here and say LTB. It's not that black and white. I would be the same. In the face of deny deny deny it must be the most difficult thing in the world to think straight about.

I am so sorry you're going through this, esp after the week you've had.

I hope you get the truth, whatever that may be. Because you can only move on and build on a foundation of truth - however you choose to move forward.

Really good luck my love.

Kione · 18/07/2013 08:50

Sitting in front of the computer with her facebook open feeling like a fool! what do I say? where to start?? this is so awful

OP posts:

Kione · 18/07/2013 08:58

And thak you cfc, that is exactly hiw it is. My stomach is in a knot...

OP posts:

alphacourse · 18/07/2013 09:15

Can't you get her phone number? Sometimes people put it on Linkedin? Phoning may be easier as she will have to answer your questions straight away rather than having time to speak to your DH etc?

Kione · 18/07/2013 09:24

I have sent it. They would have spoken yesterday anyway. They work together and are good friends.

OP posts:

cfc · 18/07/2013 09:35

I bet your tum is in a knot. I'd be the same, nauseous, faint, hot, cold...

I do hope you get a definitive answer, but be prepared, the likely outsome is her deny deny deny. She has no loyalty to you.

In that case, your next step will be to decide whether you can get over this as a family. I think it would be easier if he admitted it (if there's anything to admit, I'm no mind reader!) and then you could decide how to work it out - i.e. Leave or stay.

I guess what I'm saying is, if the status quo continues like this - him denying, you as sure as you can be without a smoking gun that he's lying about SOMETHING, then can you get over it? Can you get over him cheating? I'm not saying that's what had happened, but if it were, can you work on it? Or is any cheating compounded by the lies? And is it THAT that's too big a hurdle to climb?

This is so shit. I really am sorry for you and your LO. :(

Kione · 18/07/2013 09:46

I don't know what I would ne prepared to get over until I know what happened. At the moment it feels harder leaving than staying. Just called an agency as I saw a flat nearby but the wont rent to people without a work contract.

OP posts:

OctopusPete8 · 18/07/2013 10:14

Aw deep breaths, if she's innocent at worst she'll be completely bewildered, you deserve the truth.

alphacourse · 18/07/2013 10:42

I totally get that it is the not knowing that is killing you. The wait to see if/when she answers will be excrutiating too. What did you ask in your FB message?

Kione · 18/07/2013 10:46

This:

Hi xxx, I am sorry for this weird message, but I saw a conversation on DP's pad the other day about his mobile being under your sofa after your works Christmas party. Can you tell me how did it get there and why neither of you seem surprised that it was actually there? I am really sorry if this is completely strange but I can't make any sense of it.
Thanks.
Kione.

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Kione · 18/07/2013 10:50

It says seen at 9.03 but not sure if that means she got it or she actually opened it?? anyone?

OP posts:

OctopusPete8 · 18/07/2013 10:51

I would have perhaps worded that differently but I understand you're in a state,
If there was anything else of interest on there
I would say
'I've seen some private messages between you ,that come across as innapropriate, i.e phone under sofa and me not knowing he was staying there, is there anything I should know? xx

I dunno maybe thats too stern

Jan45 · 18/07/2013 10:51

Shes's read it then, good what you said though

Jan45 · 18/07/2013 10:52

I think it's fine what you said but be prepared for them having their stories the same, which, could, of course, be the truth.

Kione · 18/07/2013 10:54

and now DP is on a neeting, he is always at meetings tho, but tempted to call again and ask if she is on the meeting too!?

OP posts:

OctopusPete8 · 18/07/2013 10:54

Perhaps I'm wrong, I'm just concerned you may come across as apologetic for asking which you shouldn't be.

Kione · 18/07/2013 10:56

I did that in case its all a mistake

OP posts:

OctopusPete8 · 18/07/2013 10:56

In wouldn't do that let em' stew a bit go and have a cuppa, calm down the adrenaline a bit, you may come back to a reply.

Kione · 18/07/2013 10:57

I have a blooming interview in an hour cooking lunch fot Mil thats coming to babysit so cant calm I am multitasking at its best!

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OctopusPete8 · 18/07/2013 10:58

I know, but if its all so innocent why did't you know he stayed there? even if she's innocent he isn't in some way.

OctopusPete8 · 18/07/2013 10:59

do you smoke? go an have a fag, the nauseating adrenaline is the worst.

Kione · 18/07/2013 11:30

we he insists he stayed in the hotel. I dont smoke no...

OP posts:

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OctopusPete8 · 18/07/2013 11:32

Theres no easy way to get to the bottom of this, I hope you get clarity soon.

TheOrchardKeeper · 18/07/2013 11:34

Oh kione - just read some of your other posts from when DD was younger & about the troubles you two have had.

Sorry again you're going through this

After reading a bit of backstory from your other threads are you sure this isn't a bit like the nail in the coffin?

PrincessKitKat · 18/07/2013 11:38

I don't think there was anything wrong with your message Kione. You sounded concerned & looking for an explanation (which you are). I hope she has the good grace to reply soon.

Good luck with your interview. No wonder your tummy is in knots.

Flip

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