Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

My two children are at university (MA, BA) and have paid their rent and food etc out of their student loan, money from their dad and me and from work. Both worked throughout their degree. One has a First and the other is heading for one. They do worry about money; they have had to. Not everyone spends all their time at university protected from the real world.

I know it's difficult to work when you're studying Medicine and Vet Science but for them to never have worried about money seems mad, really.

I would feel exactly as you - and indeed did when dss announced their pregnancy last year at 21.

It isn't what we would chose for them but it is, of course, their lives to chose.

Agree with those who have said you need time to adjust, to regret what won't be and to celebrate what will be.

A baby in the family is a blessing - mazel tov

Zyn, the OP says they were using the rhythm method, not condoms.

actually, they do sound slightly like they are a bit oblivious to some realities - using the rhythm method is one; also, if they are shitting themselves over having a child then why (when they had the opportunity) didn't they go for an abortion? It almost sounds like they thought this would go away on it's own. They do sound quite immature, and I can see how, if they are still students at 23 - it's a bubble, isn't it, being students. (And I know for a fact, despite now wishing I'd had children younger, that both DH and I were spectacularly immature at far older than 23!)

I think you need to be supportive, but perhaps step back and let them take responsibility for, and charge of, the situation. They are going to have to grow up in a hurry, and like it or not, the situation is of their own making - they didn't have to go ahead with this.

I've obviously missed something, is someone volunteering you to do all the caring and give up your career and independence in the process? If so, don't do it. If you are volunteering that's fine and a wonderful thing to do, just don't be pushed into it.

I agree, and I think that the OP's DH, while well-meaning, will keep them immature if he tries to make decisions on their behalf.

Sorry OP but if your DS is not an adult at 23 then that is down to your parenting. Why have you not equipped him to do deal with real life?

It's totally mad that your DH is trying to "work out solutions". Presumably he will share them with your DS and this will come across as being pushy and controlling.

Take this as a wake up call to start letting your DS stand on his own two feet. Agree a financial figure if you want to and then DO NOT make this conditional on ANYTHING.

Gifts with conditions are not gifts.

Can't believe no one else has picked up on you saying that support would depend on them using certain contraception!

Also you will be in big trouble if your DS or his girlfriend read this. You've given a lot of identifying info. You could have posted a more generic my DS is early 20s and having a baby etc.

I xan see its a shock but they have been together for three yrs. And they are heading towards good careers etc. Getting baby days out tge way and then getting stuck into a career can be a good way to do it.

Dp and i had our ds1 at uni. Preg at 19 i was 20 when he was born. Dp two yrs older. Ds1 turns 14 next month! Dp and i still together, mortgage, career, four more children :) all planned
.. Well no five was a bit of a bonus baby but a girl after the four boys and a lovrly suprise :).

Our life is good, we both finished our degrees. We didnt have support from family, def no childcare etc as too far away.

I do hope her mum.is supporyuve, mine tried to gey me to abort, i understand her making me aware if the option but not going on/ptessuring like she did :( she loves ds1 and all the kids of course but i wont ever forget her reaction and it does make me sad.

Good luck and congratulations grandma!

Congratulations.
It will be fine.
23 is young,but not that young.
And it sounds like if they both qualify,they will be a doctor and a vet so both high earners and more than able to support a family.
However in the early years these are demanding careers so try and be there as much as you can to help them out and be hands on.
I think you have an amazing opportunity.It will be lovely to be a young-ish grandparent and they will really value your support,especially if the other side aren't enthusiastic.

23 isnt young in the slightest. We were same age and we had been married 3 years by then. A large majority of my friends had children by that age.

zigzoo, it was specialsubject who mentioned conditional contraception, not the OP.

I did congratulate you up thread too grandma. Really hope it goes well although I think you giving up work to care for a child they have decided on would bear further discussion!

She's a medic?? She has 2 years post degree to get onto the medical register undertaking "foundation training" which, whilst the hours aren't as long and anti-social as they used to be, they are really quite tough - that's where you actually start to learn the craft. And when I say not as long or anti-social as they used to be I mean 48 hours a week, with nights, lates and weekend working, often on a 1:7 - so that's a weekend a month of either long days or nights. Rotas often at short notice (4 weeks), changing post every 4 months, usually within a hospital, but sometimes between hospitals and the community.

Your performance is quite closely monitored, and your performance dictates how likely you are to enter the specialist training scheme you want to enter.

Training less than full time possible, but educationally is perhaps not ideal at the very early "steep" part of the learning curve. It also takes a long time to set up, and you may be turned down or advised against it if the deanery feel that they can't support it.

So whilst she isn't young in age, she is extremely "youthful" in her professional career, and this as a change in circumstance is going to impact totally on her professional life.

It occurs to me that she may actually not want to practise clinically, and this is going to make it "too hard". Without contraception a young couple have an 86% chance of being pregnant at the end of a year. They will have known that. (lecture 1 reproductive medicine!)

It is certainly a very unusual course of action/accident in the cohort of people that end up in medical school.

You will work this out though, and as others have said, you need to separate your regret for the imagined lost opportunities from the situation you face. And having youthful grandparents will be fabulous for baby GrandmaWeLoveYou! No sitting in the gloom watching the cricket on the telly! You'll be spin bowling!

They will get their childcare paid, they can carry on their studies as if nothing has happened. Dh and I had our first at 23 whilst we were both students I gave birth, had 10 days off and got a 2.1. You can do anything when your young, because you dont get tired.

Sorry OP - my mistake re funding being conditional on contraception.

I do sense some element of conditionality surrounding your financial support?

DS will have to join DH's practice straight after qualifying?

Hmm sounds like life won't change for them at all once the baby arrives. Not surprised that they are still young for their their years if they have had everything done for them. Perhaps this baby will be th emailing of them, I firmly believe that every baby is a gift..

Congratulations,

I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive me if I've missed something important, but I just wanted to tell you something.

My mum had me at 22, whilst still at university and like your DS had lovely supportive parents who were able to put their deep disappointment to one side (she was the first in the family to get to uni) and help her with me.

I grew up with two wonderful grandparents who I adored, but I was especially close to my grandma. She was like a second mum to me, and when my own daughter arrived a year after she died, I named her after her.

I wish you a beautiful grandchild who will love you just as much

Sorry be the making of them

Congratulations!

My DSis had her lovely son at 23 - he is known as 'the happy accident'. She and DBIL were both unemployed, had nowhere to live... it was a terrifying time for them. Long story short, DNephew is 18 this year, DSis and DBIL are happily married and have another child... and my parents are besotted with both children. (As am I :))

You and your DH sound like lovely grandparents in waiting.

The book of ruth, that is lovely , I really have a tear in my eye, wishing the same for grandma we love you.

Congratulations! I was a mother of 2 at 23, although they were both planned.

I do know a few people who have had unplanned pregnancies at an early age, and everything turned out just fine for them. You take what you are given in life, and you adapt and deal with it

Have not read whle thread, just wanted to say, please do be supportive, do not mention the word abortion. My mother was perfectly horrible to dsis when she got pg early in a relationship in her early 20s, and his parents pressured her to have an abortion. Her baby was stillborn at term. Fifteen years later and she is struggling with infertility.

What if this is your only shot at being a grandma? Because with all the knowledge, technology and ideas about choice in the world, we do not really ever control reproduction.

zigzoo Where does the using certain contraception = support come from ?!
Also, our parenting has made him a lovely, caring man albeit a bit immature but that's just him. He's a high acheiver vis a vis studies and will now be forced to become a real grown up and father.
We have 4 DSs who are polite and caring and intelligent and hardworking (ad nauseum).
I have no reason to question my parenting skills, i love my boys, my boys love me......end of .

rempy You're voicing my same opinion.
She's a devout catholic, can kind of (just kindof) understand choice of contraception.
But it's a huge risk, she must have known.
DS will have gone along with what she said was cool, but FFS he should have known better!
What's the rush? She's very driven yet has potentially jepodised her career.
They won't have done it on purpose, of that i'm sure, but for God's sake there ways of avoiding this.
They're coming here tomorrow afternoon..............let's see.