Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

[Xales]

If it makes you feel better I got a text from my D niece a couple of hours ago as she is off for a c section.

My sister will be a nan for the 6th time. My sister will be 40 in December

[ImperialBlether]

OP, just to say again (I said it upthread), I hope they're not going to tell her mum and dad whilst everyone else is there. I think it would be very, very hurtful for them.

I'd find the pregnancy hard to deal with but being told like that would be very painful.

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

ImperialBlether It was already arranged that DIL's parents would come here at the weekend. THEY want to announce it here......we shall either act suprised or say we found out in the morning (the happy couple are staying here).
DS and girlfriend shall dictate proceedings, i'm very uncomfortable with this.
I think that DIL should have told her parents before us (tradition ??)
Anyway, they arrive tomorrow, we'll see what happens.
DH feels uncomfortable too.
It's upto DS to step up to the plate, we can't do anything.

[ImperialBlether]

Perhaps you could reinforce how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Maybe they think her parents will cope better if you're there. If that's the case, I would act really shocked, as though you didn't know anything about it.

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Don't think we're Am Dram candidates!!! We'd look like a pair of twats!
We'll get rid of other DCs and make it just the 6 of us around the table (this is my ideal) then DIL will tell her parents and we'll all sit there and suffer the fallout!
Let's see what idea they have. I know she's crapping herself at the idea of telling her parents.
I think her Mum will be fine but her Dad'll go ballistic.
Can't cope with the thought of it..........they should have phoned them and told them today, then at least they'd be in the loop.
They never really approved of DS anyway and now it's like the point of no return.
(shitty crappy twuntin shit)

[Dozer]

They are being very unfair on both their parents to tell one set in front of others who already know. I would insist on them phoning or visiting them privately, and postpone the get together so that everyone has time to absorb the news. why shouldyou have to deal with reactions to their news? Cowardly!

[marriednotdead]

Several things for you to think about.

They should definitely tell her parents without you present, and you have every right to insist that they do.

Chances are that something offensive may be said and if they are going to not be happy, being on the backfoot would make it so much worse. If I were her mother I would feel humiliated that you knew first about her daughter's pregnancy, regardless of/especially because of the obvious question mark that puts over the mother/daughter relationship.

They are young but they are adults, and have been for several years, regardless of your views about their maturity. Life is for learning.

I became a mother at 20 (planned) and DD is going to make me a grandmother soon. I am also 47.

DSS became a father at 14. That's too young. But he's a far better father than you could ever imagine.

[Cerisier]

Another vote for the couple talking to her parents privately. Her parents are going to be very upset and it is bound to come out that you already knew. It is not a good start for the baby. It will all work out as these things always do, but emotions will be raw until the little person actually arrives.

Congratulations to you and DH, it sounds like you will both be there to help and to enjoy your grandchild. The baby might be arriving a bit earlier than planned, but how wonderful that he or she is on their way.

[JulietteMontague]

Although it is understandable DIL would like to shelter behind a group situation they will effectively be ambushing her parents with this. They will be in shock, in someone else's house and it will appear everyone else already knows some most precious information about their DD Don't think for a moment it won't come out they you already knew for even a short time, this is too big. It is their news but your house and if you go along with this you would potentially be colluding in what they will see as thier exclusion. You will all be grandparents for life, no point in setting it up to fail right away.

DIL will know her parents best, but if it's the father who is likely to make most fuss she may be better off taking the traditional route of telling her DM who can then deal with DF in advance. Congratulations to all

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Tbh if she is too scared to tell her parents without trying to hide behind your skirts, then she isn't ready to be a mother.

I think you have the absolute right to be very firm and say that you expect her parents to have been told before they arrive at your house.

[CatsAndTheirPizza]

fabulous that's such a sad story

Zigzoo re 'DS will have to join DH's practice straight after qualifying?' if they live in a rural location and the grandparents are being asked to look after the baby, then I imagine there will only be one veterinary or doctor's surgery locally, so it would make sense.

[antimatter]

my SIL had her ds1 at 1st year at med School, second after 3rd year
her dh was working - she was studying and finished her studies in 5 years as pllanned, then went to do the rest of the qualifications becoming a Consultant 6 years later. I remember her boys staying at my PIL's for weekends, half terms and holidays when he dh was travelling for work and she was trying to squeeye in as many nights. I don't know if rules changed now, but my SIL was able to do it. She got very high grades in all courses etc

I think let them get used to this idea of having to plan from now on.

If she was a a devout catholic she would not engage in sex before marriage - he parents are and that is why she is scarred to talk to them.

I think however as it has been mentioned in the thread her training will be a nightmare if they decide to settle in the location whee your DH practice is.

They have to be very flexible for many years to come as to when and how she continues her education/career. I think her parents predicted reaction as well as knowledge of all of that is making them very stressed.

[nemno]

Congratulations Grandma. For you I think this will be wonderful , you sound like you'll be a lovely Grandma and being as young as you are it is very likely you'll have a long and special bond with your grandchild.

But I would be gutted too, not because of their ages but because of the stage they are in their particular degrees. It will probably work out ok but it will be much harder, and which parent wants their child to do it hard?

Good luck with the forthcoming weekend. I too would wish that the GF's parents be told separately from you and your husband.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

Gosh, this must have come as quite a shock for all concerned and you've only had a day to get your head around a very different vision of your son's future than the one you no doubt had mapped out.

However, whilst I can see how you could be upset, your son and his GF are adults and a lot of your worries seem to be based on what YOU think is appropriate or best for them. Surely it's up to them to make their own decisions re what they do regarding their careers, finances, childcare options further down the line and so on? This applies equally to her parents - even if they are appalled beyond measure - so what?! Your DS and his GF have the right to live the life they choose, even if it doesn't match up to parental expectations.

I hope that the family meeting goes smoothly and wish all of you well.

[QueenofWhispers]

My DH and I were married at 22 and 23; we had our first at 24. Although we had finished with Uni by the time we were married--my MIL felt the same way you do and didn't really make the effort with my DS.

DS happened to have ASD...she was dramatic about becoming a grandmother too young when he was born, and when he was diagnosed with ASD she acted like it had happened to her despite her never making any effort towards my son. Sadly, she confused ASD with the inability to comprehend so my DS who is going on 5 has a very acute idea of what his Grandmother is like without anyone ever saying anything. He thinks of her as a 'selfish drama-mama' who drives him 'batty'.

My advice: Love the child unconditionally; he had nothing to do with being born and at least your son is in a stable relationshipand he wants to be a part of this family. I don't think you should have to support them financiallybut I do think you need to give boundless love, affection and any emotional support.

[kickassangel]

First of all, congratulations.

Secondly, your name makes me think of some white haired old dear, then you g and swear like a trooper! That made me smile.

[WetGrass]

I had Dd at 23 (DH same age). One year out of uni.

Compared to antenatal group friends that had DC at 30+

1. I didn't feel pressured to return to work too soon - because I was junior - and (tbh) because I hadn't got out of the student habit of living on fresh air and sunshine - so I was still in the 'low salary - low commitments' life stage.
   
   
2. GP both sides had great relationship with Dd (they were fit and compos mentis ) - which in turn meant that I felt much less isolated than some of my mummy peers.
   
   
3. I bounced back into shape easily
   
   
4. I've gone on to have 4 DC in total - with enough time back in the office in between to still be on track for FTE 50K wage (when I finish the latest round of training).
   
   
5. DH & I hadn't got too used to living like wealthy Londoners! We knuckled down to it with (ironically) much less 'goodbye my fragile youth' teeth gnashing than people who had had time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't work with kids.
   
   
6. We felt pressured and poor a decade ago - but now I'm 33, choosing secondary schools for Harry-Potter mad Dd, starting to enjoy the benefits of DHs (now 6 figure) salary.
   
   Strongly yy to supporting (both of them!) in achieving their professional qualifications. It will be a tough first few years - but so are most people's first few parenting years. Long term - it can be fab.

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

Congratulations!

Honestly, it will be fine. We had DD at 21, she is roundly adored by everyone. I get lots of parenting compliments from MIL, DH finished his degree and has a well paid job.

Which is not to say it wasn't hard sometimes, and I think you are very kind and considerate to be thinking of ways to support them.

Good luck to you all.

[ManateeEquineOHara]

Sounds like they are really worried about telling her parents. And as much as they are adults now this is one of those moments where maybe you need to treat them with more care and ensure you are extra supportive while they do something they are very nervous about. Make it clear you are there for them no matter what.

[CheerfulYank]

I got pregnant at 24 and everyone seemed to think that was frightfully young. I told my mother over the phone (I'd just, three weeks before, married the man she begged me not to so we were a bit frosty with each other) and she said "I'll have to call you back!" and hung up the phone! She was 47 too, and not ready at all.

Now DS is almost 6 and she thinks the sun rises and sets on that boy, I swear she does. :) She lives 5 hours away and calls or skypes him every day, has him for weekends whenever I'll agree, comes to visit more than she ever did before, etc. She just adores him, as well as 7 week old DD. :) And as for that man she begged me not to marry, she's never stopped telling me in these six years what a good father he is and how lucky I am to have him.

It will all be fine. They'll figure it out. You'll love it. Big congrats from me!

[CheerfulYank]

Also it's been lovely, my parents being in their late 40's when I started having children. They can do so much with my DC that they couldn't if they were 20 or 30 years older.

[CheerfulYank]

Also (sorry to fill up your thread) I was a pretty immature 24 year old. Didn't know what I wanted to do, DH and I were just renting a place and all that. We shaped up pretty quickly as we had to. We made our decisions based on what would be best for our baby and it really gave us direction.

I love our life now, our house and our work and the little town we moved to. I don't know where we'd have ended up or what decisions we'd have made without DS. I'm so glad we got our "surprise"! :)

[spacegoat]

Another here who became a mother unexpectedly young.

Yes accidents can still happen. I was on the pill, took it religiously, can't remember any sickness or anything which would have made not work etc.

That was 16 years ago. We've had another child, got married and are successful with a great home life.

Having our dc's made us grow up very quickly. Now, we are several
steps ahead of our peers because we bought houses, were more serious about careers and money earlier ... we had to be!

Every one worried about us, naturally enough. But we were adults (23) and we did shape up.

After all we had been brought up by parents who we looked up to.