Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

I had a baby unexpectedly at 23. The deliberately had another at 25 and then at 27 whilst continuing to work and study.

I'm now thirty - I have a managerial post in a professional job, have another two degrees including a PhD, a mortgage on a four bed house in a nice area (bought at 23), a 40k a year job, nice car, travel the world in my job...

Most importantly I have three beautiful children.

I'm not sure I could ask for much more or my life would have been much 'better' without them. Babies didn't stop me in any way - Yes I had to work a lot harder to keep up with my peers - when they were in the pub I was breastfeeding and doing homework. I got less sleep. But I also grew up quicker and experienced so much more through my children.

It's really not the end of their dreams.

Accidents DO happen. Especially when you're 23 and very fertile. Either way....I had a carefree youth...DC at 31. Was I financially stable? No. Am I now oldish with two small DC? YES!

Your son and his GF will be 40 when their DC is 17! They'll be young enough to bloody travel the world still!

I should think you could do both - have a little cry, sob into your pillow and then jump for joy!

They are 23, not 16, not 18, 19, etc.

Timing may not be ideal as they are studying, but 23 is old enough for them to work out what to do, make decisions, change/adapt plans as necessary. They will mature fast as they learn how to deal with their new status as parents, especially with your guidance, support, love and wisdom, which they will need.

So, that gives you a job to do as grandmotherhood approaches ...you carry on being a mother to your DS, which includes providing all that stuff above^^, which I'm sure you have always done for him.

The main thing really is their relationship and how they both feel about the prospect of parenthood. It is great that you are in a position to help them, lucky them. It all does sound as sorted as it could be.

You are bound to have mixed emotions, as it has been a bit of a shock and marks the end of an era where they are the youngest generation...everyone's moving up a notch. It's just family isn't it? My DH's DM was 18 when she had him, and she and DFIL are now in their seventies, still together and happily so.

If everyone embraces this, it could turn out to be a wonderful thing.

for the granny-to-be! and

I notice that it's your DH making the decisions that you will support them for two years (I assume he means financially?) and that you'll give up work to look after the baby? I'd be unhappy too!

And they were being foolish to use the rhythm method (I guess they meant counting days rather than natural family planning which is a bit more reliable) - if the GF was such a devout catholic she didn't want to use contraception, then she shouldn't have been having pre-marital sex!

Sounds like you were only slightly older than him when you had him so I'm not sure you can complain too much! Hopefully soon you will feel the excitement.

I had my first at 23 with no support or help from my parents. So if, what I think I can see from your post is understandable resentment that you have to both financially and emotionally support them, you don't. You can do as little or as much as you wish. But make your concerns clear. There is nothing worse than being told a parent will give you support in a certain area and for them to then not do that. Take your time and see what you wish to give once baby is here. At the moment it is all knee jerk planning.

mummytolucas411 I'm so sorry if i have offended you.
I shouldn't have generalised. I am in fact comparing my son and girlfriend and their peers to my generation.
My DS is really quite immature and naive compared to some of his age.
He's always lived in the country until he went to Uni and is not at all streetwise.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life

But becoming a parent can very much involve enjoying life!

I had DS at 23 and was very responsible and capable.

Sorry but you sound as though you have all the makings of becoming a MIL from hell.

I was 24 when I found out dd was on the way. Dh was 26. His mother went from being friendly & kind towards me to a cold heartless bitch who tried to,destroy our relationship & my sanity. She very nearly succeeded on both counts. The justification she gave for her behaviour was very similar to the things you're saying here - she thought we were too immature; she thought dh was going to miss out on the richness of life experience she'd planned for him; she still saw him as 'her boy' & not as a man who'd been already eligible to vote or marry for 8 years.

Fast forward 8 years & her behaviour has become so bizarre that neither of us have contact with her. She has one grandchild she's never met, & one she hasn't seen for 6 years. Pretty much entirely her own choice too.

Congratulations, I'm sure it was a shock to you as it was for your son and his girlfriend, but they seem to be handling it maturely. I'm sure you will be a wonderful Grandma. My mum was 49 and my dad 48 when I made them grandparents for the first time, I was 19. I'm sure they felt exactly the same as you, that I was throwing my life away. They were loving and supportive all the same. They now adore both their grandsons, and are amazing grandparents.
for you :)

1944girl Mazel tov xxx

BangOnHow the hell can you say i'll be the MIL from hell??!!
We're going to be supportive and compliant..........WTF?

I'm sorry if my posts might be off-beam. From several responses it seems that they probably are - so point taken. And I see now what you mean re abortion if her parents are strongly Catholic.

It's just that your first post was in the tone I'd expect more if your son and his partner were 17-18. Maybe 20. But 23???

This is a longstanding couple almost in their mid-twenties... and you want to cry your eyes out, then it's all about how to support them and how you're going to have to step in, both financially and to help them with their parenting.

So it just seemed odd. But if as you say you do have a good relationship with both of them then I am sure it will work out. I'm sure they are excited and happy already.

BangOn Not every MIL is your MIL (ask around)

23 is not particularly young to be a parent, planned or not.

Like hell would I give up my career to look after my children's children at 47 though. Bugger that.

It is lovely news.
They love each other, have been together for three years and now they are having a surprise baby.

They won't have years of fertility treatment and heartache like some others.

Life doesn't always turn out as planned, but that doesn't mean it isn't wonderful.

He isn't your beautiful boy, he is a 23 year old man who is your son.

Best wishes to all of you.

Things have changed a lot. I got married at 24 dd at 25 moved to the Far East 8 months later have been to Malaysia, Bangkok, Hong Kong, Indonesia etc etc with a small child. Had another child in Far East. Moved back to uk. I'm early 30s. Don't feel like I've missed out on carefree years we have had a ball.

You will LOvE being a grandma.

I had my DCs at 20, and then 23. It's fine :) Congratulations.

From a practical angle your DS's GF will almost definitely have to interrupt her degree for a year (has to be a year with most degrees so you pick up where you left off the year before), so child care wont be necessary for a while anyway, but just be supportive and offer it (but don't push it) anyway :)

And good luck with the BBQ - if you and your DH are both excited and supportive then I'm sure her parents can be too.

Congratulations.

But I understand why you feel you want to weep. I'd weep if any of my children were to become parents at 23, especially if they hadn't finished their studies etc.

It will work out, but you are allowed to express on here that you are sad that the life you wanted for your dc may not be the life they get.

And honestly, to deduce from one post that the OP will be a horrid mil is just madness.

TalkativeJim It's a tough call when "kids" have been in higher education from 18 to 25. They're naive, they've lived in a world of academia for years. They've never paid rent/worried about money, their life is studying and partying (nice work if you can get it!).
23 isn't our 23. They're kids still.

DS confides in DH in a way that is endearing but shows him not to be adult yet.
The pair of them are shittin themselves with the thought of becoming parents.
They've still got 2/3 years of Uni.
DH (always the opptimist) is trying to think of solutions......funding them, me taking on childcare, paying an au pair......) he's just doing his best in a difficult situation.
None of these ideas have been discussed with DS or DIL(!!).
We are not pushy people, never have been.
We want the best for everyone. (baby, DS, DIL, us, other parents n Uncle Tom Cobbly n all)

Please remember, i heard about this at breakfast thia morning!!

Accidents do happen when men can't sustain erections with a condom on. sorry, know this is your son, but men older than 23 seems to struggle with that

Bangon, that's your own baggage there. The OP has not said anything to her son's gf. It would be a big shock. I'm in my early forties and my eldest is only 11, but if you can't find room in your own hurt feelings to acknowledge that becoming a grandmother suddenly in these circumstances would take some processing then that's your own immaturity and you're making this all about you.