Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

[TheRealFellatio]

I understand how you feel and I'd feel the same. Except that at 23, with degrees under their belts, I'd be feeling trepidation and mild disappointment rather than devastation and blind fear.

I currently wake up sweating at night for fear of my 18 year old son announcing the same thing. Without giving out enough info to out myself, his 17 yo girlfriend is showing all the classic symptoms of a PG 'accident' waiting to happen, and no matter how much I try to reason with him, he is adamant there is no need for him to use condoms because she is on the pill, and I am just some mad, controlling, snobby, interfering cow who knows nothing about anything, apparently.

I would be devastated (for her, and for the child as much as for him - I don't think she a clue about just how flaky and selfish my son can be. She thinks he's Prince Charming and the answer to all her (many) troubles, but ultimately he will dump her or cheat on her, baby or no baby.) But I have sort of resigned myself to the inevitable, to be honest. I'm long past thinking I can talk any sense into that boy about anything.

Perhaps it's her I should be working on!

[CheerfulYank]

Now, we are several steps ahead of our peers because we bought houses, were more serious about careers and money earlier ... we had to be!

Exactly spacegoat...so many of my friends are beginning to panic now that we're in our early 30's. So much "what am I doing, I'm never going to find a man, should I have children..." and we've been married and settled with children in our own house for quite awhile. DH's career is locked down and we're doing better financially than most of our friends.

[7to25]

I think they can get 85% of child are paid, but we are in Scotland , so it may be different here

[VivaLeBeaver]

I was 23 when I had dd, I was financially stable but hadn't been seeing dh long at all. That was 13 years ago.

Yes I'm younger than most of the mums of dd's classmates but I loved having dd at that age. And I really love the fact that now as she's getting more independent I'm still in my late mid 30s.

Having a child doesn't mean it's the end of your life. I went back to uni and did a second degree when dd was 4yo. I'm going to uni again in sept for post grad study. I've built up a good degree.

I've had time for hobbies, etc.....enjoyed life to the full - have gone travelling and festivals etc, just taken dd with us!

When dd is 18 ill be 42/43. Plenty of time to carry on enjoying life.

[siezethenight]

op My daughter is due a baby any day now - she is 22 her partner 25. She has quite literally just finished college and has no job yet but qualified to work after maternity time off.
I can't be upset by this news because over the last 5 years we have lost a lot of family members to sudden death and illness. Its been a horrible last few years. I did not jump up and down in joy when she told me she was having a baby but it is not terrible news, its happy news, after a lot of bereavement, you learn to appreciate some good news A birth is preferable to a death
So they are young? This only means their lives will alter a little bit - they will have more freedom in their 40's rather than in their 20's...
I have always thought this: If you are going to struggle, if times are going to be tough - rather it be when you are young enough to manage it all rather than a little too old to be able to believe you can change anything. I know people in their 40's today who had children late and are struggling in this financial climate, just the same as the young parents are and they are far more disillusioned with it all - the young have this positive air about them that only youth have thanks to time on their side...
Love your little Grandchild - that's all that matters and I am sure that you will

[DowntonTrout]

Just wanted to say my DD and her DH had my first grandchild 3 weeks ago. DD is 20. I went through all kinds of feelings and emotions. Unfortunately we have had a very difficult couple of years with her and were not on the best of terms.

I was devastated at first, angry, disappointed for all the opportunities she has lost. I was worried about how they would cope, could only see it becoming my problem in the future.

DGS is the most adorable, cute little man in the world- and NO ONE can tell my any different .

There are still problems and issues to be overcome, I won't go into detail, it would be too long a story. But now he is here, I have hope that things will be ok in the end. Good luck.

[DowntonTrout]

Oh, and I am 44 and I have an 11yo still at home.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Hi op. I agree with those who are saying the girlfriend's parents should be told privately and not put in such a horrid position as being told such big news in front of people who already know. Perhaps they want to do it this way so as to limit the reactions of her parents. Not fair at all.

In your position I would insist that they are told before they turn up for the barbecue. Otherwise you are all being put in a very awkward position.

Although it is great that you and your dh are prepared to offer help, these young people must be able to take responsibility for this themselves and make their own decisions. And don't let your dh offer your services. That is up to you.

They will grow up fast, because they have to.

[jacksgrannie]

Congratulations Grandma! You are not alone in having mixed feelings about the news. I was the same. Although my son was older (32) his very new wife (whirlwind romance) was only 22 and still at uni when they had their accident. They had had very little time together, no money and a tiny house. When they told us I was so worried that their lives would be so much harder than it need have been.

Fast forward 6 years (I came round to the idea of being a grandma very quickly by the way). We did have to help them both out with childcare while DIL finished her studies and in other ways but it has been wonderful to see them cope and of course of DGS is the most cherished and perfect child in the universe.

You sound like a lovely family - enjoy every minute of being a grandma.

[Ragwort]

I admit I would be very disappointed in your shoes, it's all very well for everyone to say 'it will be fine' but these are two young people, doing very intensive vocational degrees - it will not be 'easy' for them to look after a child - either physically or financially -whilst they are both doing full time degrees and then presumably lots of training before qualifying.

And for your DH to offer to support them financially and suggest you give up work to care for the baby seems somewhat over generous.

But then I am an old fogey who had my child at 43 - younger members of my extended family have had children in their teens/early 20s and quite honestly it has all ended in great unhappiness all round (social services involvement etc).

I really hope it all works out for you but there is nothing to be ashamed of by expressing your views on an anonymous internet forum; absolutely agree that they GD's parents must be told privately. In fact I would insist on it, how on earth can you have a jolly BBQ with that sort of news?

[onefewernow]

OP I had a child at 19, degree at 24, MA at 25 and PhD at 27. Another child at 27, then a good career.

There is no reason for it not to work out. I have not missed out but I have had to work harder and they need to mature faster.

I do think that Imperialb is right though, I don't think your DH should be such an active planner on their behalf. Let them come to you for help if they want it. Solving their own issues is how they mature. Now they must.

[Bonsoir]

It's very unreasonable of students to bring a child into the world and expect grandparents to fund their family.

[outtolunchagain]

Goodness Grandma what a shock.I know exactly what you mean about not being mature or streetwise,I expect this is the first real adversity either has had to face,yes exams are difficult and they are both obviously high achievers but that is in a very controlled scenario,this is totally unplanned (probably the first unplanned thing they have ever done)and from now on in pretty much out of their control.Its going to be hard

The thing is being good at school and hardworking etc can also leave you quite lacking in common sense,I'm not criticising its partly a fault in the system which ensures that often you have to be quite tunnel visioned ,I also have a high achiever who struggles with this and was probably one myself .The thing is they are going to have to grow up very fast,they made the spectacularly bad decision to have unprotected sex and this is the fairly obvious consequence,your dh is rushing to make everything OK to make sure that they can still do all the things they and you planned for ,and that is hugely supportive but they actually need to be made to face some of this themselves because in 6 months time they will be parents themselves.

The first thing is that they need to take responsibility for telling her parents themselves,frankly her parents have a right to worry if the parents to be can't even face telling them about the pregnancy,it doesn't make them look as if they would be mature enough to cope with another life does it ,what are they going to do if the baby turns out to have health problems etc etc.

You sound like the most fantastic parents yourselves and will have given your ds a great model to base his new family on , I am sure they will be fine ,they will muddle through and they have you and each other .Good Luck

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Bonsoir They're not expecting anything. We shall do what we can to support them but they must also grow up.
I seem to remember that we live in the same part of the world....no student grants etc. We have the obligation to support our DS until he finishes his degree. (no bourse, nothing).
They have indeed been irresponsible but there's no point crying over spilt milk as it were.

We rang DS last night and suggested they go to see GF's parents on the way to us.
They should be there now.

DH basically told DS to "grow a pair" and get on with it.

God knows how they'll react. Ultra religious with firm moral (archaic) values.

(they may suprise us though)

[wordfactory]

op I think I'd be shocked/horrified/saddned if it were mine.

At least initially...I want them to experience so much while they're young... it's just not the same with DC!

That said, I'd soon get over it. It's not tragic in the scheme of things. Just not ideal.

However, I think you definitely should avoid anything that involves sorting this out for them. They need to step up. Support is fantastic, but they need to come to terms with the reality of what's going to happen ASAP...

[outtolunchagain]

Hopefully after the initial shock her parents will see the bigger picture and realise that there are worse things that can happen,ultimately you will all love the baby ,it's amazing how even in adverse circumstances a new life can bring joy.

[iclaudius]

I got pregnant with ds1 when dp ( still not married) was 23 like your ds

It has not been the end of the world although we were poor and felt young - he was not planned

Dp was ALSO doing veterinary science

I was 8 months pg at his graduation

Ds ( the baby) has just graduated from Cambridge ( v proud parents !!) and we have a lot of other children.

Dp career has been good!! MIL who cried down the phone when he told her about DS and treated me with disdain is no longer in our lives ...

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

My MIL is a worry. Not sure she'll be able to keep her views to herself.

I'll be relieved when the whole thing's out in the open and we can just get on with being excited instead of this constant churning of the stomach.

DH and I were talking it through until 5am.
We're both feeling irrational guilt......have we cosseted our kids too much? Are they prepared for the big wide world? Have we ourselves set a good example in our own relationship?
So many more questions.

I think we've always (nearly) done our best and with the best of intentions.
We have prioritised our kids which is fairly usual both in this country and our own religious community.

Could we have done better? Probably.

Anyway, a new era has begun and DH and I will be grandparents (bloody hell!).
Getting excited a bit now.

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

iclaudius Thanks for that and big congrats for your DS's graduation, you deserve to be very proud

Can i ask if you were also studying at the time?

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

DowntonTrout Congratulatins on becoming a Grandma, thanks also for your post, you've given me hope that all will be ok.

[iclaudius]

Grandma I was working as although we'd met at university - my course was normal length and dp was longer obviously !!

I love the similarity between your son and us although did he take a gap year??

We have been very happy with no help at all - ds is 21 on four weeks and we are due a new baby this month - our not his!

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Wierd similarities!
No, he didn't take a gap year, why, would that have matured him?

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

DS 3 is taking a gap year and will be globetrotting as of August.

He's alot more head screwed on and independant than his brothers but at 18 it puts the fear of God into me !!

He's also funding it all himself.

[bassingtonffrench]

congrats. you sound lovely and will be a lovely grandma.

I would be concerned about them taking advantage of you a bit though to be honest. you are only 47 with your own life and other kids to consider.

just be careful about promisng endless money and childcare.

if they are rhythm method users, god knows how many more surprises could be on the horizon!!

[GrandmaWeLoveYou]

Just had furtive phone call from DS.

As soon as Mother opened the door DIL burst into tears and spilt the beans.
Good, over and done with!

Father apparently stupified but Mother seemingly supportive.

Early days but am i naive in thinking it bodes well ?

They're staying there tonight and all coming round here tomorrow.

Think i may vomit, i hate confrontation.

Shall just sit their demurely and leave DH to talk.

Bon apetit!