Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24
foolonthehill · 10/07/2013 19:58
Fi he gets benefits which must be paying his mortgage too, he pre planned had just remortaged to interest only is seems before he was so sadly made redundant the day after he was caught by CSA. His car has a disabled tax disk on it which is free, I don't think he is disabled he is not disabled at all other than being a FW so he is either a driver for someone else and using it illegally for personal use all the time or he is disabled which he is not. I have reported it but they don't come back to whoever has reported them. I know other dodgy things but my sol keeps saying it is irrelevant to the case 
not sure how much to tell cafcass in case they think I am bitter. I have been thinking of ways to word some of it so it is always relevant to DS.
alice I was jumping up and down when I read your post.. well done - he will hate that!! 
Glad you are feeling strong today rose and that FW noticed - bonus.
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rose my FW never wants sex either. Whenever I have tried to instigate it I don't do it right and tickle him apparantly. My breath smells (allegedly) so he doesn't like kissing me. For a long time I have suffered with vaginismus (apologise if this is TMI 
) so sex was quite often painful or at least uncomfortable and difficult so often abandoned which left me feeling like a failure I'm pretty shocked that DD ever made it here at all!!
Mind you, in hindsight I can see exactly where the vaginismus has come from. As FW (until very recently) has constantly gone on about how greedy I am, how fat I am (even though I'm not), pointed out cellulite etc I'm hardly going to feel relaxed am I? To be honest every time he touched me I felt like he was assessing my body shape not loving me. I suspect it could be oh so different with someone who loved me and fancied me regardless of what I looked like.
Sorry turned a bit me there. What I meant to say was that Rose you are not alone in the never being touched. And although I generally think it is a million times better than the poor poor ladies who have been raped, it does make you feel unattractive, unlovable and lonely.
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yes bounty he really is a class act. I also caught him using a dead man's `discount/membership card' should we say. Which I know isn't crime of the century but he would have had to go by that name in the store and if DS was with him it would have been terrible for DS - saw a photo with dead man's (of four years) name on the product for collection - FB can be useful some times.. reported that and they dealt with it. I do wonder if he has bank accounts in the same person name too though, difficult to prove... at the moment.
bounty how cruel of your FW - I hope we are still chatting on here when you have great sex with someone else. I abstain these days.. well I don't get anyone else involved .
ha me too better
Rose - yes you'll be reading about, hearing about and seeing vaginas all the time 
I say a little prayer for yooooo... for ever, and ever, you'll stay in my heart, and how I'll love you.. for ever, and ever, we never shall part, oh how I'll love you........ would only mean heart ache/break for meeeee.. Pony
Better - it is useful, he is demonstrating clearly the classic 'bad father' in trying to avoid supporting his own children, this is very key and relevant in abuse terms and for reflection of his attitude of priority towards his DC.
Sexual controller Charlotte! (I've been doing my homework - ooo not on you you understand! just finally getting it - the dominator thing, nothing else! - well not tonight anyway 
was out late with female friends tonight! - there should be a closed bracket somewhere there, but am passed caring (how decadant I am tonight!) ha!, there it is.
ooo Vaginahs R Her - Its not often you read something like that [vaginahs are my thing!] even on MN! Ha ha!
DD sleeps, and I'm all out of sync 
from being up too late too many nights! boooo...
fi rose vaginas are allegedly my thing too seeing as FW says I am a lesbian feminist cunt.
someone told me today I am funny and clever for a woman and did not realise how sexist let alone patronising that is
i have been reading everyday sexism on twitter lately. have totally got my dungarees in a knot!
and re. not involving anyone else. bounty and better me neither at the moment but i can still hear FW muttering away in my head. he was actually very good in bed and not particularly inconsiderate (although he did pester a bit and did ther FW usual 'i cannot remember the last time we had sex' moan...definitely dementia and not lack of sex if you ask me) so i really need to involve someone else to get him out of my head! so i can ahem be on my own in peace.
bounty what an utter utter FW undermining your body image like that. and with total and utter lies 
I know what you mean re.SA but and i hope i don't offend anyone by saying this, it has parallels to the relationship between EA and PA. to me not having suffered significant PA, PA seems much much worse.
but then again i now realise if he had hit me I would at least have known he had hit me and that it was wrong and i would have realised much sooner that he was an abusive bastard with no respect for me. and the EA still did real and lasting damage. and so his treatment if you should not be minimised. as many women who have suffered SA find it hard to be close to other men subsequently that was probably his aim too to undermine your self image so you would not tell him to FOTTFSOFO and find someone better. and that emotional insult also has to heal. so it is not the same injury as SA but it is still horrible.FW.
I hope you find someone worthy of you who loves every part of you body and soul. and that you always see through his horrible lies and see yourself not his words
sex and physicality is something i really enjoy. i would hate it if FW stole that from me. and I am angry for everyone else who has had that pleasure stolen from them...but glad that there are some people who are reclaiming it
Alice yay to boundaries.
nini i hope things are less 'nasty' and that you are getting on (out) ok.
waves to everyone else
skating my H was pretty upset that I recorded it as well. I'm really not sure if he was shaken about his behaviour or the fact that I had it on tape.
better I'm waiting to see what today will bring. As far as the dodgy stuff that your FW does, I'd report anything that might come back on you or affect the DCs, anything else I would just ignore. Karma, you know. But yes, it is frustrating. Issues here with that as well, and I've had to bite my tongue as he would know instantly where it came from.
mink "for a woman"??? Staggering the things people say. Did you bob a curtsy and thank him profusely?
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(((hugs))) fabulous Also SA, PA, and EA here. PA made me scared; EA made me scared and fucked up my head and self-image/belief, turned me against myself; SA twisting and sickening, and contorts inwardly.
this: mink "for a woman"??? Staggering the things people say. Did you bob a curtsy and thank him profusely? ...
.... whilst tugging your forlock and saying m'lord...
y y y you have great wit, sense of humour and very funny end of!
me too Alice working hard on that inner voice that runs through consequences all the bloody time! To give it some answer like fuck the fuck off
Happy shiney sunny day to all lovelies xxx
ha ha ha to this Mink: seeing as FW says I am a lesbian feminist cunt
I suspect ex FW assumes the same of I
Do you know, pony, I have given up the cleaning and am doing some work! Far better for the soul, and sense of self-worth, though I do agree with you that blitzing the house is therapeutic. Lately, I have also been thinking there are more important things to do, and because of my painting plans for the next fortnight, what is the point?? Key sites (bathroom, kitchen and floors) have been done, and I leave the clutter to dcs to either clear away or make worse.
I also think that part of the problem is that it is contact weekend, which runs over two days but without an overnight yet. And really, it is what you already said elsewhere, that it is still going on. I will be better by this evening, and if I can clear my to do list, I will take a walk around the duck ponds and give you the details.
Actually, my counsellor is brilliant. She got my over my mental block about getting anything done, by which I mean for self-improvement in the widest sense (house improvements, promotion related etc) at the last session (last month), so now have the semblance of a plan; and I have made great leaps forward in relation to the FW-related anxiety, but I think the personal stuff is like the elephant in the room. I am not quite managing to hide it away.
Massive .
Your key sites are the same as mine! And mine are all sorely in need of me actually doing them... Tomorrow, I promise. (Mainly because I have a friend coming over and I'll be black-affronted if he sees that all the crumbs that were on the carpet when he visited last week are still there, with more crumbs on top!)
I think part of the reason why I feel good at the mo is that I haven't seen/heard from FW in over a week now, and still have another week until I have to see him again. And he has been behaving very well recently, but still his complete absence from my life makes such a difference. So for you, seeing him multiple times over a contact weekend, and with everything else going on, it's no wonder how you are feeling.
When is your next counselling sesh?
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