Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24
foolonthehill · 10/07/2013 19:58
I think "piss off" might be level 2 on the how to talk to a FW course 
Maybe I'll have my friend of the "piss off" advice be here for next visit.
mmm... heart skipped, skipped a beat... bout thread 23 !.. clung on tight till followed everyone else's trail over ther.
thanks 
Fool and warmest wishes for your strength and resilience with everything right now xx
FFF Sounds like he's using counselling as something else to beat you with. Just because you agreed to keep going doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
Refer to "piss off" advice. I think we should all make a "PISS OFF" movement.
H sent message last night saying maybe he should cancel next visitation. I replied that I wasn't prepare to discuss anything with him at the moment. and left it at that. I didn't want to completely ignore as that would imply I was hiding from him - I wanted an answer that basically said .. um... piss off... but in a more polite manner at that point. I'm reserving piss off for something more aggressive. He expects me to say "no, we'll go ahead as we have family plans blah blah" but I think I'll just say "okay, since you've requested not to have the next visit, I'll go along with that." Will he backpedal? Possibly. Will he then probably tell all his family that I was the one that cancelled it? Definitely - to make me out as the bad guy. I can't be arsed to worry about it.
Not the solicitor for you Charlotte by the sound of it. My strategy was to look on Resolution site, and find sol who qualified some decades ago. Lots of good info on the site as well. Or WA can help.
However, solicitors are not there to validate you, they are there to advise you and to take your instructions. It is different from what people expect and I found it a bit odd at first but it is also understandable. (Mine let me rant btw and was lovely)
She surely should be aware that it is not the fact that behaviour is unreasonable that is the issue, it is that behaviour is unreasonable and you cannot tolerate it, to the extent you want to divorce. It sounds like you felt judged 
The courts are not in the business of keeping people married against their will - and what seems like minor behaviour can be cited in the list of about 5 or 6 behaviours - we know, don't we, that such 'minor' behaviour is part of the death of a thousand cuts, I certainly included some in my petition, which went through in a perfectly straightforward way (the divorce, not the financial settlement though!)
charlotte it sounds very much like it is her. I know nowt about sol but it sounds like this one does not make you feel like she is working for you so annoyingly, you probably need to go and try another one.
just been reading some stuff on the Saatchi thread. she would not defend his reputation. wtaf. that is exactly what my x would have come out with. he thought loyalty was very important. what loyalty actually meant though was not him being faithful, not him choosing his family first but everyone sticking by him and taking his side regardless of what he had done.
I bet Saatchi uses words like loyalty and support all the time. doubt he knows what they mean though.
on the is it fair that he has used the papers to tell her off...I think this is a bit like betters x. he thinks he is getting his point across and airing his grievances in public but any sane person is thinking what an actual FW. and anyone who is not thinking that is also a FW. some FWs are very good at keeping people on side and some are so far into their entitlement anyone can see they are a total and utter FW of the highest order.
It still must hurt for her though so I hope she realises Nigella- any sane person is on your side and thinks he is an enormous bell end. I know that does not take the grief away but as long as she knows it is him he is making look like an idiot just now, not her.
have been musing some more on why it is that when a FW leaves it is not the end. I think it is like when you get burnt. you take your hand away from whatever burnt you but it still hurts like hell. and in fact the damage of the heat is still spreading under the skin. FP and Lundy are like being taught to avoid burning things in the future but they don't actually make the burn go away.
this thread is like pouring cold water on it. it helps a lot. It soothes the pain a bit and you also have the sympathy because face it when you get burned you want people to acknowledge that it is bloody sore. (not like FW who would just say well that was stupid burning yourself wasn't it 
)
but at the end of the day, you still have to take care of that burn for a while. ride out the pain for a bit and let it heal. and every time you come back into contact with a FW it is like putting the burn in hot water or snagging it. you feel it again.
...but at least your hand is no longer in the fire....
Bounty yes he is trying to put it off in the hope you will change your mind about going at all be honest that you imagine you would not feel able to go back to work after the session and that you want to do it sooner so that life can be sweeter sooner possibly without him.
alice did he say why he wanted to cancel? I totally agree he will probably tell other people a different story but you have it in writting and the main positive thing is you can't be arsed to worry about it when the guilt is gone it means the boundaries are firmly in place.. feeling like that is such a massive thing for me, I am less in pieces about things.. thanks to Lundy and you guys. 
for you all for everything. I know I will have wobbles but it is easier to get myself back on the rails now whilst he stays off them all the time.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I've been absent and tardy again I'm afraid. Had another major exam last week which has been keeping me stressed and busy, but that's over now for another 6 months (hurrah).
Pleased to report that I finally, FINALLY put on my big girl pants and had a free session with a solicitor last Friday. It went very well indeed - I kept much of my rage and upset inside but gave her enough information to be suitably outraged at what she was hearing. She was fantastic and is sending me a load of information so I can think about my options. Charlotte, that definitely doesn't sound like the solicitor for you!
Things are quiet here, FW is still in a good phase. Without putting you all off your lunch, the rare sex we have has started to turn a bit nasty - can't put my finger on it but he's getting quite aggressive. I was away last weekend on a hen do and he was typically jumpy before I went with lots of comments of "You'll be good won't you?" never gave him any cause to think that about me, the only one who has ever misbehaved on a weekend away is HIM. On my return on Sunday he wanted some very hostile sex. Very odd behaviour I must say.
I feel much like a duck at the moment - serene on the surface but the feet are paddling furiously.
Much love to all.
nini, it is not odd behaviour, it is territorial behaviour, he is showing you who you belong to , and it is part of the abuse. I am so glad that the soliictor appointment went well.
That sounds about right foxgloves (love the name btw), he usually goes all territorial like that on the very rare occasions I go away like by fucking me he leaves a smell to keep other men away. But this recent behaviour is a bit different to that, he's just a bit 'nastier' in his bedroom tastes, which is very odd.
Charlotte, is there anyone you know who can recommend you a solicitor?
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