Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin


Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!




Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[betterthanever]

Glad the house move went well baby you are doing very well despite him trying to distrupt you, keep strong. At least him sending you emails gives you written evidence of what has been happening should you ever need it, not that it is nice he does it. Charolotte as my case has progressed my sol has seen FW for what he is but it shouldn't have taken that. I wish I had seen another but it was a bit panic stations at first.

[fabulousfoxgloves]

nini, I'm at work, plus I am reluctant to go into this on-line personally, but there is a section in Lundy, if you have it, about controlling/abusive sexual practices in the context of abusive relationships. FW went in the 'nastier' direction, in a frog-boiling way, and it is the one thing I just can't process. So, my main advice is stay safe, and progress your get out plan.

If hostile means non-consensual, or you fear it will go in that direction, can you contact Rape Crisis, or your local DV unit, get some advice/support/help?

And please don't read this that I am pushing you to reveal details on-line, I really am not. It is a very supportive hand-hold, and a plea to trust your instincts.

[ponygirlcurtis]

Nini so nice to hear from you again, and so glad you had a good experience with the solicitor. Seconding the concern re FW's hostile bedroom behaviour - that is not him in a 'nice' phase. Hope you are ok.

Charlotte - you need to see another solicitor. I saw three before I decided on which one to go for.

babyseal - fantastic news re new house. I'd wonder if his emails are harrassment, maybe contact 101 for a chat about them. Also, my DS1 struggled recently, and I have got him counselling through WA and CAMHS (at school) and it's helping.

Noregrets - well done on resisting the temptation to sort stuff out for him!

[fabulousfoxgloves]

Of course, when I was driving home, I was reflecting on the fact that the boundaries of consent can get very blurred in abusive relationships

[ponygirlcurtis]

You are right, fox. There is not always the freedom to say what you think and feel. Sometimes, it easier and quicker just to put up with it. Doesn't make it right. Hope you are ok too, reflecting on your own situation. It took me a long time to be able to say out loud that what FW did to me was sexually abusive.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

I only know of one sol by recommendation (by WA), so was saving him till I'd seen this one. But fellow FPer didn't like him, so that's not a good start! If I don't like him either, I shall follow Silver's advice for finding another.

FP was fantastic today - the persuader. Totally validating; and some empowering stuff in there, too.

[betterthanever]

rose I know it hurts like crazy but maybe it is good to think it all through and get it out of your head. It will ease and then you will be really free. The emotional detachment is much harder than the physical - you will start to notice the gaps become longer between the thoughts.. I always think of it as being like thunder and lightening and then it stops. Is there are counselling services at uni that could help you through things?

[fabulousfoxgloves]

Rose, moving in four weeks will help enormously, and better is right, gradually the gaps between thoughts get longer till you find you have thought about something else first thing on waking, and then you start to get a sense of who you are again. But you need physical space and limited contact for the emotional healing to begin.

And limited contact does not mean using him as childcare. Why on earth would you do that when he is abusive? That is la-la land.

Seriously, when you move, clean break, concentrate on you and dd. You will feel a whole lot better. Second the suggestion of uni counselling, they will be quieter at this time of year.

[WinnieFosterTether]

babyseal congrats on the new house. I doubt your FW thinks you're having an affair. It's just another stick to beat you with, and an opportunity for him to act like the wounded party. When I split with FW the first time, I didn't see anyone for over a year. (by contrast he was seeing people whilst we still lived together) However, none of that stopped him telling everyone that I left him for another man

Had a nice day with friends today. FW phoned twice to see when I was coming home . That isn't normal behaviour, is it? We'd only been there for one hour when he called the first time. Then he called again two hours later. It meant I was starting to feel panicky when I came home and of course it was just the same as usual - him upstairs on the computer, watching tv and not interacting with myself or ds. I'm glad I didn't rush back for it!

I'm worried about the best time to move for ds and him starting school. We can still travel to school from my new place but I'm just wondering if moving and starting school are too big for a 4-yr-old to cope with in the same month. . . should I wait till the Sept or Oct hols? Any wisdom would be much appreciated. (I do wonder if I'm just trying to delay the inevitable but I do feel pretty convinced I'm going to leave).

Charlotte I'd only reiterate what everyone else has said - sol is not the right one for you.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Yep - a definite no to that sol. She came across as a bit inexperienced, tbh. And yes, I did feel judged. But I realised afterwards that although I'd got together financial details to take, I hadn't thought through how to explain that he's a FW in 5 minutes. And given that it's all papercuts anyway, maybe not surprising that she wondered if I were just bitter. (Not that she said that! But gave the impression that I was worrying about not much, which I am still very quick to believe.)

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Winnie, I moved overseas when dd1 was nearly 4 and she started school the first full day we were there. It really helped her to settle in and she never looked back. So I'd be inclined not to worry overly. Both are big things, but both can be viewed as adventures, if he has support. Does he know anyone that will be at school with him?

[bountyicecream]

nini lovely to see you again. I was thinking of you. And well done for seeing the sol. that's a big step.

charlotte I saw the sol that my local WA recommended. she is the only one that I've seen but I instantly had a feeling that she was the 'right' one for me. My mum came the second time as I found that I'd forgotten lots from the first time. And she agreed with me that she seemed a good one.

babyseal your positive story of your new own house is inspiring for those of us waiting to take the plunge. Glad it's working out for you.

FFF I know counselling isn't recommended. I think there are a few ways it can go:

1. The counsellors don't get taken in by FW in which case he is likely to say that they are 'useless' or 'know nothing'
   
2. The counsellors agree with FW on some levels and then I can see that he will never change as he still clearly believes his behaviour is justified.
   
3. We spend the whole time talking about FWs issues and concerns. Then I know that he is still totally self-absorbed and not interested in my hurt.
   
4. He agrees with everything I say and apologies profusely for everything that he's done and promises to change etc etc.
   

Number 4 is my biggest fear if I'm honest. If he does that then I don't know how I'll react. So far with every single conversation that we've had he's always moaned that I'm only talking about what he's done wrong and not accepted that I'm to blame too and that this justifies what he's done to me.

Rose you will get there. When it is just you and DD you will feel so much better. And do take any counselling offered by the uni. I think your experiences will give you a fantastic perspective as a midwife when talking to expectant and new mums about abuse. How fantastic would it be if a new mum who was experiencing DA had you as her midwife. If ever there is a positive in this situation that I reckon that is it.

winnie you are definitely sounding stronger. Like Charlotte says DC are so very adaptable. Glad you had a nice time with friends and didn't rush back to the FW

[WinnieFosterTether]

Charlotte yes he knows most of the other children so we're lucky in that respect.
I know what you mean about the difficulty of explaining a FW is a FW in 5 mins. I had planned to talk to my RL friend about FW today and just couldn't work out where to start and what to say with a limited amount of time.
From a sol's point of view, I know a friend whose sol picked up on all the EAissues in the first appointment and even helped her identify and name aspects of his behaviour that she had previously been denying to everyone else iyswim? That sol was a very experienced family sol so fingers crossed the next one you find will make it easier rather than more difficult.

[FairyFi]

Keep trying on the solicitors Charlotte till you get the right fit You will be sharing time energy personal info and a lot of money, makes it worth shopping around for.

Its not you, its her! most definitely... go for gold hun xx

sorry little time to comment. FP kinda rocked my world a bit (?) today. shocker.... and EMDR coming up and daughter desperately ill again, although now recovering.. all been quite frantic whilst I've been desperately catching up on all the jobs that needed doing 2 summers ago (before the winter starts againg - thats a grim thought!)

Caught a glass and a spray of wine from Nini and raising ... cheers to all.. keep the faith.. step and step and step.. keep going !! onwards always xxx

[bountyicecream]

fi sorry that you're feeling shakey post FP. You sound like you have a lot on your plate. Hope DD is getting better. Thinking of you x

[Noregrets78]

rose all will be fine in the end, sounds like you're over analysing everything and then beating yourself up for over analysing everything... I hope counselling helps you - I start mine next week.

I've also found it a risky prospect posting in the main relationships section... In fact I think I arrived here after posting about my cocklodger, being called pathetic, and feeling really low.

[ponygirlcurtis]

Fi - oh no, hope DD is ok. xx

Rose you have been through so much, and you've dealt with it all. BUt the emotions side can't be dealt with in the same way. I think you just have to cling on until you are out, and then that will make a massive difference to how you feel very quickly. We'll be with you every step of the way.

Winnie, no, that's perfectly normal behaviour - for a FW! Mine did the same, on any rare occasion I had an evening out of the house. I don't know the answer to your house/school dilemma - you know DS and whether you think he can cope with that. Without knowing him at all, I think I would agree with Charlotte, just to go for it.

[FairyFi]

hello Bounty lovely thank you... its like that isn't it? Go along feeling settled again for a bit and then whoop, the wobbles are back... I hope short-lived. warmest wishes to you xxx

[FairyFi]

I think finally the corner is rounded thanks Pony not quite out the woods yet tho, thanks hun xx.. week off school so far and severe sleep depravation, for me too (although I welcome the week off school!).

Sorry to all that I just havn't been able to be around atall recently to help out on the support front, just know that I am thinking of you all in your individual battles. xxx

[FairyFi]

FP is brilliant, just to say xx

[Funnyfishface]

Hi bounty - with regards to your 4 scenarios. I thought my h would be no 1 and it turns out 2 and 3 are what is happening.

I am only talking from my experience with our ongoing counselling. I am still giving the counsellor the benefit of doubt and am hoping that next weeks session we can discuss the real issues. Him! Control! Jealousy! Abuse. I am wondering whether she is actually quite clever and now that he has faith and confidence in her she may turn it around,

I did find the 'role playing' very uncomfortable.

And your h moaning about what you have done wrong is exactly what my h is doing.

Tomorrow evening I have agreed to go to SIL 40th birthday with him. He will pretend that everything is ok between us in front if his family even though they know the situation. And actually are not surprised .

Hugs and thoughts with everyone else xx

[betterthanever]

Hope DD is feeling a bit better today Fi and you managed some sleep.
Charlotte we were talking about it on here the other night - being able to put it all into 5 mins is really difficult. I actually tried to write it down... even worse.. Fool gave some good advice that to talk about how you felt/feel helps sum things up.
Winnie I don't have any direct experience but I would imagine the move and new school together would be a good thing sort of attached to each other and dealt with in one go rather than one change and then another no time to worry about the next change. Go for it strong lady.
FFF hope the 40th goes ok.