Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin


Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!




Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[betterthanever]

Pony My CBT guy sees me being able to relax in between court/seeing FW as a good sign but says that only when I can be near him and hear him and look at him and still let it wash all over me, will I truley be free and you know what - he is right and I am determined that day will come - and he will still be jumping up and down like the deranged FW he is and it will feel so good.. couldn't do it tomorrow though lol (baby steps - I am learning) fox the same applies for your contact weekends - it will take some time but it will come.
House work and sorting stuff rocks when I need a `clear out' 6 hours yesterday after the sol bill sorted me out and then a fun day today x

[porridgecarver]

Sorry to jump in here but am trying to recover from an EA marriage (H walked out for another woman 4 months ago). I am on the Freedom Program but wondered what I can do for myself to try and build myself back up again as my self esteem is shot to bits and I have zero trust for men. Hardly surprising but how do I face this so I can move on and get my old self back

[ponygirlcurtis]

Oh I know better - when I have to see him again next Sunday, everything in my stomach will tighten up. I am on my way, but not out of the woods yet.

Hey porridge, sorry to hear about your situation. For me, I think it has been a combination of time, and working on myself. I have been having counselling for over a year now (every week, then every other week since Christmas), that has helped enormously. And as time has gone on, I've been able to do small things for myself, small kindnesses that allow me to think 'I'm worth it' (TM!). Sounds daft, but it all helps. For example, I put make-up on most days, because I feel better about myself when I do and I don't want to feel bad about myself. In some ways it's a chicken and egg scenario, but take small steps towards it, and the more you do the more you want to do.

Am sure someone else will have better less waffley advice - I think we all have different approaches, and sometimes one thing will work and other times it will not, so try lots of different things maybe.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

porridge I am slowly finding my way back to myself. A couple things have helped. First of all, I'm finding little things I used to enjoy - something as simple as listening to music I like - just playing the radio in the car and driving with the window down. Or starting up a hobby that you have enjoyed (or starting a new one). Pamper yourself - hair, makeup, luxurious bubble bath, glass of wine (it IS important to remember you're worth it!!). Get physical - exercise - endorphins are a wonderful thing and it's a huge stress reliever.

And allow yourself to enjoy little moments. Don't feel that since he's gone, you have to live life on a high all the time. There are still going to be ups and downs - but allow yourself to actually ENJOY the ups, rather than waiting for the downs IYSWIM.

And it takes time. You'll find your way back eventually.

[minkembernard]

me too porridge little things. i had flowers in my house every single day for at least 4 months after i kicked him.out. my FU FW flowers.freedom flowers.
I am thinking of getting a freedom tattoo but not rushing into that.

every time i saw my flowers they brightened my day and reminded me that without him I see more beauty.

I watched a lot of Miranda.

do you have dcs? mine kept me going. but having dcs also means i cannot go No contact.

also someone on MN had a thread 'nothing can drag you down if you are not holding on' it is a dam hard mantra to live by but comforting to say somehow.

but...honestly..it is a hard road with a lot if bumps in it. it takes time and lots of it. you have to allow yourself to feel the bad bits too in order to move onwards and upwards. this too shall pass.

as for Mr funny for a woman...Will tell you what i told him...shortly.

[minkembernard]

funny for a woman
I said you have probably met lots of funny clever women who were just pretending to like shoes and shopping so as not to scare you. really when women get together all we ever do is write comedy sketches, discuss string theory and the politics of boundaries. (then we all have a lesbian orgy) but shhh don't tell the other guys this because it is like totally a secret and if word gets out it Will destroy the natural order of society.

if only it were not so true...about the natural order not the orgies. funny is a feminist issue. Needless to say FW thought women were not as funny.and i really do think lots of very witty women calm it down because men find it off putting.

[betterthanever]

rose I hope you have managed to get more sleep. All his actions are on purpose to make you feel that way. No reasoning with him will change what he does. Please try and have as little as you can to do with him. When do you move? Keep your boundaries with him and don't react but you can respond (it's so hard!).
porridge the best thing you can do is get on with your life and be happy thinking less and less about him every day. One tiny step at a time. The world is your oyster, you get time to do what you want to do. There are lots of wonderful people in the world you can spend time with them now and them with you. I pity anyone who spends time with my exp he is exhausting and drags the good out of everything. The others have given you lots of great advice about being kind to yourself - you do deserve it. Post on here there are great people here.

[minkembernard]

rose yes he is trying to mess with your head. disengage as much as you can. ((hugs)) None of his problems are your problems so only speak to him or indeed listen to him when there is something that you absolutely have to talk to him about that talking about will either be in your interest or those of your dc. If it is only for his benefit then either smile and nod or walk away. You are not obliged to listen to him just because he is talking.

[FairyFi]

mink's post - Like

it doesn't matter what; it IS! it absolutely is messing with your head and thats all you need to know Rose it sounds horrible, so sorry.. detach detach detach from him completely ... save yourself!

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

mink, that is a great response! And the best humour has a nugget of truth in it.

[ponygirlcurtis]

Hold on in there Rose - he knows his time is limited, that you'll be away from him soon, so he will probably become as bad as he's ever been, in whatever ways he does this. Your house is ready soon - any chance you could sofa surf with DD till then, just to get out and away asap?

[minkembernard]

received my copy of "It is my life now". will keep you posted on how I get on with it.

[NoraLuca]

Hi all, I was a regular(ish) poster about five or six threads ago. Left H six months ago, and now don't have internet at home so no regular access to MN (I do miss it! and feel a bit guilty cos I got quite a bit of support here, and now I'm free I feel I should be passing on the support) except on scorching hot days like this when I just cannot be arsed doing any work! I recognise a few names, hope you are all doing OK. I re-read the blog I wrote during the year leading up to leaving H, brought back all the memories... Nora Luca blog in case anyone wants to read that sorry tale

[ponygirlcurtis]

Hey Nora, yes I remember you. Was that really six months ago? Wow. How are you getting on? How is the contact with your FW going? I remember you had a DD I think, did you have a DS as well who wasn't as happy going to his dad's (or being away from you). Forgive me if I got that totally wrong! Will have a read at your blog later.

Definitely want to know how the book is, mink. Sounds really good, hope it is.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Nora I remember you as well. I don't remember your details (sorry, I have days when I barely remember my own ), but I hope you and your DCs are doing well!

[minkembernard]

rosemy sister is a medic and her kids have a nanny. works fine for them. good stability. the nanny has firm .boundaries. that kind of stability and predictability is probably exactly what DD needs.

[porridgecarver]

Thanks everyone for the tips :)

[Lahti]

Apologies- I'm so bloody hopeless at keeping up with this thread. I start to think that I am getting somewhere with my FW and then BAM back to square 1.
Latest is he is refusing to transfer child benefit into my name (to prevent me from going to the CSA in the future)- instead he wants to remain in receipt of it and transfer it to me each month. Him receiving the child benefit is a sign of his control (he set it up when our DD was 2 days old and I was BFing 28 hours a day). He had previously agreed to transfer receipt of it to me but after not receiving anything from HMRC I gave them a call and they explained that he had changed his mind. I need the CB in my name to take on our current mortgage in my name only.
Today I called our GP regarding our DD and he has changed her residential address to his mothers house where he is staying. I am livid.
Right Im going to catch up on the last couple of pages.

[minkembernard]

Lahti what a pain. I did not even know he could do that. And the irony is that CB being paid to the mothers was designed precisely for mothers in abusive situations

bit of light relief...ok if you were looking for a new man (I know some of us are nowhere near there yet, apologies) what questions would you ask to try and spot the FW?
Mine- who is your favourite dictator? (although tbf there is no correct answer to that)

[Noregrets78]

lahiti do a bit of googling... you can make a counter claim for CB. It really does seem to be key to all sorts of other things. They do look at things like the registered address for GP, so he's clearly up to some tricks

[betterthanever]

mink I don't think I would ask them anything but boy would I be listening on that first date love your question by the way. Felt low today but it is because I allowed my thoughts to be negative. Tomorrow I refuse too or he takes another good day away from me.

lahti he doesn't give up does he, they don't though do they - that is the real problem. This is why I need to be the one that does not allow him to get to me - but just how can you when it is all the time and so manipulative. We are getting there .. we are, in our own ways.
rose your DD will be fine and very proud of her midwife mummy - you will end up with more mummy friends than most - your DD will be surrounded by wonderful people and lots of love and that is what counts not DNA. It seems like a massive mountain every day but we just keep taking the little steps before we know it we are there. I remember my lowest point.. I had written a list of all my worldly goods for my brother and a big list all about DS and what he liked and disliked - I was so convinced I was going to die, I was so ill... I could never see the day that I would be back at work, jumping on trains again for meetings at the other end of country, I worried so much DS would be alone.
It worked out much better than I thought and the thing causing me the problem now never crossed my mind.

[Lahti]

better No he will never give up... all he is interested in is winning and essentially controlling me whatever the cost. At least I can recognise it now, was looking back the past 12 years and all the signs were there.. he didnt like my clothes including underwear etc and basically I ended up changing how I dressed and that was just the start of it

Rose I used to do shifts too (nursing) are you employers likely to let you do set days? I know that you will be doing nights too but having a set pattern really helps.

[betterthanever]

Lahti it really is at times like this I want to be sat with the people going through this too, have a hug, drink. laugh and a cry. Taking that deep breath and trying to just respond to what they do rather than react is still something I struggle with my exp is a king at shock tactics and behind the sense manipulation of anything and everything.