Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24
foolonthehill · 10/07/2013 19:58
Cheers, everyone. FW has gone away (only for one night) and left an opened bottle, so I am doing the decent thing and finishing it up. Not like me at all!
Hellos to Flora and StuntNun. My first thought on reading your posts, StuntNun, was that the effect of his weird behaviour is that you are walking on eggshells, trying to secondguess him in order to escape the bad temper from him. That in itself doesn't look good.
As for what to do now, when I was recognising FW's behaviours and wanting some positive way forward, the only helpful thing I could come up with was suggesting to him, over and over, that he went for counselling. Of course, he didn't, because his behaviour was not causing any problems for him. And probably it'd just've made him a "happier, more well-rounded abuser" (to paraphrase St Lundy) in any case.
The thing I thought he really should do was go on an abusers' programme. And of course that was never going to happen. He all but patted me on the head for my silly delusions and explained that he had never hit me, had the police out for his behaviour or anything remotely like that, so the abuser programme people had told him he was in the wrong place. 
If you are wondering if it's just bad programming from childhood, you could maybe suggest the Freedom Programme for men? I've not read up about it, so that's not a recommendation as I'm a bit wary of it, but maybe it's worth a try. The important thing is that he has to want to get help, otherwise it's not going to work. And from what you've said, I'm not sure how likely that is.
OMG Charlotte and Breathe's FWs - don't you get it? It's O.V.E.R!!!!!
Gotta admire their persistance, totally pointless waste of energy though it it! Like the moth flying at the lightbulb all night. 
bounty can you throw him on it??
When is your next counselling session?
lol @ st lundy- the dv policeman said something similar, that going to give fw a warning wont make him stop, itll just make him learn from it in a way that benefits him i.e. makes him more aware of what buttons he can press and get away with. he suggests taking the 'dumb and inexperienced' approach, leave him to build a wall of evidence against himself... then (as he worded it) we can nail the bastard
my fw ex also tried the 'ill go for the counselling you tried to get me to do, but ill need your support' trick. now i think about it, id rather he didnt for the reasons lundy and the dvpc layed out. he can stay messed up if he likes, i will not. id rather deal with a fw that will trip himself up, than one that is clever as fook and can slither through loopholes.
hmm can i really say that?? yehh why not 
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
at throw him on it.
I had a look back at my early posts. i was really quite cross back then 
but a good reminder of why i kicked him into touch.
i did note i was moaning the fact that he would move on quick. and how often seen the same observation from others since. reflecting on it it is nothing to be envious of, just a sign that FWs are shallow and that a parasite cannot survive long without a host. And despite all their self agrandisement (sp ?) the don't actually get on that well with themselves.
Whereas we of course have more self respect, self reliance and self awareness. 
Really we are the strong ones.
Rose try and get some sleep. It is scary, and overwhelming. If I shut my eyes, I can feel a little of what you must be feeling by just remembering. But this time tomorrow... you will be in your own place, starting your own future with DD. Get some rest and drink 
in the morning. We'll be here.
mink that's a really good way to look at it. You have a way with analogies! I've always liked the 'emotional vampire' idea, but the suggestion that FWs are parasites, draining their hosts of strength, self-respect and self-esteem (not to mention money) is perfect. Their attachments are shallow, even with their own children. But we, we are the strong ones. We have survived their attack and gotten ourselves and our children free from them. We can do anything we want with out lives. They can only hope to go on doing the same sorry thing, and draining the life out of someone else. I almost feel sorry for them. not really, they are all FWs!!!!
Fook! Haven't heard that used in ages. Used to have a Yorkshire boyfriend at university, used it all the time then. I use 'feck' more often now, Father Ted legacy plus 20 years of Irishness ingrained from DS1's dad's family...
Fook and feck!
Could almost be characters from the new CBeebies show...
Fook and Feck, they're always together
Fook and Feck, best friends forever...
rose 
hang in there..
LOL @ fook and feck i actually snorted on my gaviscon when i read that
Random x there - getting a bit easy after my ...
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