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Relationships

Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

999 replies

foolonthehill · 10/07/2013 19:58

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

OP posts:

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ninilegsintheair · 12/07/2013 09:32

Thanks foxgloves . TBH it's hard to describe, I wouldn't say it wasn't consensual I got mine lol but something has shifted. We've always been quite rough () but it felt like there was love there somewhere. Now it just feels 'nasty'. On sunday, for example, he started using dirty talk (unlike him anyway) about wanting to get another person into bed with us. Pure fantasy, but odd for him nonetheless. Our sex life took a nosedive after DD was born (she's nearly 3), when I realised he didn't respect me, and its gone downhill from there.

Totally agree about boundaries of consent getting blurred - there's been many times down the years when I've just let him have sex on me rather than being actively involved. It's a tricky topic. I have Lundy but havn't read the bit you describe - will dig it out and take a look.

Feels odd to be having this discussion at this time of day .

Rose, apologies I don't know your story, are you a student? Without wishing to out myself - I work at a uni so when I got counselling last year I had it from the university counsellor. She was amazing and of course the sessions were free. I say go for it, anything to help give you that little bit of clarity in the old grey matter which will do wonders

Posting in Relationships can be tough, but try posting about your relationship in AIBU as I did first time round, now THAT is an eye opener.

I had the same worries about counselling too bounty, I thought FW would go down the 4 route, but it became 2 and 3. More 2 than 3, I felt terribly unsupported by the Relate counsellor. From what you say, it sounds like your FW wil be more of a 2 and 3 man too, generally I don't think they're really clever enough to be 4 in that situation. I hope it goes ok, be sure to keep a guard up.

Fi, hope your DD is ok and you both catch up on some sleep soon.

FFF, fingers crossed you come out of SIL's party unscathed!