MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

[Mixxy]

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

It really doesn't matter how many family functions it is though, does it?

If these people can't be trusted not to drink-drive, that's that. There's no 'cutting slack' with drink drivers.

Mixxy good on you for standing firm. My wonderful DFil was hit by a drunk driver, fractured skull, coma for 3 months, eventually died a year after the incident as a result of it.

I fundamentally do not understand anyone who thinks its ok to drive even after 1 drink, legal though it may be. Is it really that unreasonable for your PILs not to drink if it means they get to see their DGS?

Hmm, well it's unavoidable that people will respond to what you've posted, not to everything else you do but hadn't told us about (like steam cleaning for the allergic relatives).

One question - does your DH work every holiday? You say you've missed many events. Is that because he was always unavailable, or because he doesn't drive either? If the latter, isn't there is a bigger onus on the pair of you to be a bit more accommodating by one of you driving?

This time, I wouldn't go. I just think the cost of the taxi is disproprtionate to the significance of the event, as far as I can discern that. Paying out to be shouted at then ignored, as they're only interested in DGC, just sounds masochistic.

It sounds as though you do see them sometimes, there are other opportunities and this is more about them showing off DGC to their relatives than being a wonderfully inclusive family.

The drunk driving just isn't the issue in this discussion, because everyone here thinks it's absolutely unacceptable, so, for a disucssion to be had, people must find other elements of interest.

If these people can't be trusted not to drink-drive, that's that. There's no 'cutting slack' with drink drivers.

But you see she has chosen to live in a country where the drunk drivers aren't as vilified as in the UK. She also has chosen to married and have a child with someone whose fellow countrymen culturally have a different outlook on drink and driving. It could have been anything else from thinking that smacking is OK (as in France) or whether eating baked beans on toast is OK as a meal.

The only way forward is for her to agree on what is acceptable or not with her DH and then agree on a strategy on how to deal with it.
As the 'foreigner' she will probably have to make more of an effort too unless she and her dh are happy to cut the Il out of their lives.

Atm the strategy consists in 1- not going to the family events and 2- having shouting matches with the IL, trying to prove that they are wrong and the OP&DH are right.

It's not going to get solved like this.

She needs to learn to drive so that on occasional family outings she can drive the ILs home if required.

No.

I'd take DC to the picnic with your friends. It's just 4th of July, not Thanksgiving, no one's major birthday or anniversary, not a wedding, not Christmas. Your DH isn't going. I can't believe anyone's suggesting you take a cab to another state for a feckin' 4th of July BBQ that you do not want to attend. It's madness.

And next time, don't tell them you won't drive with them b/c they are drunk. Tell them you can't go to BBQ b/c you have other plans, and DH has to work. All of which is true. Send apologies to BIL. Just b/c someone issues an invitation does not mean you must accept it. Even the most socially awkward person (your MIL) must realise that.

You are free to visit on another weekend when your DH is not working. The situation is perfectly sustainable. Your in-laws need to learn to accept your boundaries, and you need to be willing to visit when DH is able to do so. Which you sound like you are.

I drive and I would not attend this event if DH was not going. I'd go see my buddies and have a picnic.

4th of July is supposed to be fun.

He works Christmas Eve and Boxing Day (Nutcracker Season) so its always a big deal to fit in Christmas. Not a problem because the IL are Jewish. Bit he works Channuka too. Thanksgiving he tries to take off.

Public transport is not an option with just a straight car seat, my stroller and diaper bag on my own, which would include a subway ride, a bus journey and a cab ride, each way. Forget it.

ladyindisguise You really need to drop this "you're the foreigner" bullshit. This is New York fucking City. Nobody gives a rats ass.

Don't go visit without your DH. When DH can go, you go. Keep repeating this policy until it sinks in. You're happy enough with this policy, and your DH agrees. So stick to it. (In the long run, you should get a DL there, as it's good for you to have. For you. Not for them.)

I'd miss a lot of family functions too if my ILs were horrible drunks.

Mixxy isn't wanted at this party

She's just going to be tolerated as the baby's muscle.

Why are you trying to cut out the ILs? There is definitely more to this than the drink driving. They are old people and as the biger person surely you coudl cut them some slack or meet them half way?

The "more to it" appears to be (copied and pasted from OP's posts):

• I chose to not attend Christmas at all because [FIL] called me a 'rude bitch' for suggesting he shouldn't drink and drive - they feel it's perfectly fine to drive after a few drinks with DS in the back
• MIL was the one who rang The Consulate General of Ireland in NY telling them that they couldn't issue my son an Irish passport because I was mad and that he was born in America.
• Would you announce your DILs pregnancy at a party where neither your son nor your DIL was in attendance

If I was the OP this would be the last straw, not the first.

(Although OP, cat allergies are real - neither DH nor I can set foot in his aunt's house, even after she got all the carpets cleaned and we dosed up on claritin, because it's so bad. We stay in a B&B down the road though.)

You are getting a bizarrely hard time from some OP - this is pretty cut and dried IMO!

The more you try and adapt to people like this, the more nonsense you will get in return. This is your child, you are not being neurotic, this is a slippery slope.

My ILs (in the UK) are a bit like this - would never consider not driving after a drink or two - or heaven forfend not drinking if you have the car. It is so hard to remain firm if your partner isn't 100% behind you. Car seats are one of the other issues with us - ILs don't really see the need....Tis all modern nonsense. So I am often up against a heady combination of a not entirely sober driver and small children in the back on laps....

It is stupid and dangerous - and, as an extra, your MIL sounds generally like an utter nightmare.

Mixxy you mean to say when your DH proposed/talked of marriage, you didn't say "hang on a minute mate, does this mean I'll either have to drive on the wrong side of the road one day OR drive with your drunk parents? I don't think I can CHOOSE to marry you in that case - I'll pass thanks"

really LadyInDisguise???? Really??????

OP it sounds like your partner will be working on many of the days families tend to traditionally celebrate together. Looking to the future perhaps your and DH need to propose alternatives where you can celebrate with your DH and his family together, but not on the days he is working. Otherwise you face potentially years of these family 'jollies', at your inconvenience, with everyone barking at you how high to jump.

You sound strong enough to me to deal with this crap. Don't go, they sound bloody awful.

As for future problems, I agree with others who say your DH needs to lay it on the line more. Other halves can be such wusses where their parents are concerned (tongue in cheek before everyone lays in and says what strong partners they have).

As far as I can see, the suggestion that the FIL doesn't drink is never going to work as he sounds massively entitled and will more than likely think it is his right to do whatever he pleases. I feel for you, I think you have many years of fights on your hands.

probablyhad Pehaps I'm getting such a hard time because there's a few drink drivers on MN who are too ashamed to admit that they ddon't really get what the fuss is all about.

Rosh Hashanah is like, mid-week sometime in September this year (too lazy to look up exact date). See if DH could be free for that. Way more important than Channukah anyway. And September is ages away... :)

Hold your ground Mixxy. (waves from Ireland!)

No way would I fork out $300 to endure a day with her. The picnic on the Hudson with your friends sounds lovely.

I feel bad for your dh, but she'll be round screaming again at you the next time you decline.

Or make up printed cards with The Policy (capitalise Policy so it will look more official) written clearly on it: OP will attend out-of-state events when DH is free to attend as well. Hand out to IL as necessary.

Mixxy I think you may also be getting an unfairly hard time because there are some people who think it's really important for kids to have a relationship with grandparents no matter how the GPs behave, and since the kids can't foster their own relationships, it's up to the parents to do the running and suck up toxic behaviour for the sake of the GP/child relationship.

I used to think this before my FIL revealed his toxic colours when DS was born.

The compromise I have found is that I have no contact with FIL directly, but DH is free to organise times for FIL to come round and see him and DS. The ground rules are that as soon as FIL says anything toxic about me or anyone else in the family, DS is removed from the scene.

I missed the bit where OP asked for opinions on whether she should drive in the US?

OP, you are right not to endanger yourself of DS by knowingly getting into a car with a drink driver. You are right to ignore the hissy fit of a person batshit crazy enough to phone the consulate about anything to do with your child.

See them with your DH, when he wants to and you are happy to. Tell your MIL to do one re: this 4th July.

And BTW, re: the mothers of sons stuff. My mum has a son. He has a wife. Because they are all normal, reasonable people who respect each other, they have a very nice relationship all round.

You really need to drop this "you're the foreigner" bullshit.

Mixxy I would like to thank for this very kind comment.
I am not going to comment on the very aggressive tone of it.

I have just commented from my own pov which is a foreigner living in the UK and finding that some of 'British ways' are over the top or strange to say the least.
You can take it or leave it. No need for this tone of voice.

And btw, I don't think you are getting a hard time at all re your refusal to go into your FIL car when he is drunk.

What a lot of people are saying is that you need to look for solutions if you want to salvage your and your DH relationship with the IL's family and posters are proposing some.
Up to you and your DH to then choose what is working best for you.

Actually, I think the OP is being bullied by the ILs and by "[looking] for solutions" she would become even more of a victim.

I don't agree with people withholding grandchildren from gps - but no human being has the right to bad mouth others, make hysterical calls to consulates and knowingly disregard the (reasonable) wishes of a parent with regards to their child's safety.

If gps choose to behave like this, then they shouldn't be surprised if their dil doesn't make enormous efforts with their relationship. The entitlement doesn't all go in one direction: She is entitled to some self respect!

lady Sorry, but what you are saying is total bull. I'm not submitting to "Otherness" or pondering the hegmonic power of beans on toast. We are talking drunk driving, illegal in both countrys, in fact in almost all countries.

I think the idea that me and DH does the best for everybody. Im making the effort, they can return it. If the do return, I'll perfect this solution, if they don't, we cash out.

The ILs called OP a rude bitch.

Not sure why either she or her husband have anything to do with then tbh.