MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

[Mixxy]

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

Why would they be forced to stay sober at your house?

Well, I agree on the DD thing and MIL does sound like she has some issues what with being barking and all.

But I do think you're also guilty of making life in NY and travelling to its environs harder than it need be. You sound a bit like you've watched too many SATC.

I don't think that it's even a generational thing.

My in his 80s dad has never drunk & driven-Ils neither.

I think that it's a twat thing

agatha Because they would have to drive back to NJ. Its only my FIL who drunk drives. BIL and SIL would never do it themselves. So they have "cat allergies". If the family events are all out in Jersery they can all have a few drinks.

OP-does the fact that you don't drive atm affect your everyday life?

I wouldn't be driving just for the sake of obnoxious ILs tbh.

I don't think not driving / owning a car has a negative effect on lifestyle if you live in a crowded city. Quite the opposite in fact.

I know a number of adult without driving licences at all. A few live in a small seaside town and never leave it, a few live in London and don't need to drive.

I don't see why this is an issue? Up to OP if she drives or not, she obviously doesn't want to, so why should she?

OP, I think a lot of it is also that some people are unable to have a good time without a drink. My DH is like this - cannot fathom any reason why he should go without (not that he would drink and drive - not ever). We've been invited to a wedding in the Autumn. It's about an hour from us. He wants us to go and to book a hotel etc to stay over. I've said I'm quite happy to drive back and not drink. So he is now saying "what is the point in going if you aren't going to drink/"

He doesn't get that I can have just as good a time (if not better sometimes) without alcohol on board.

I take it that is why BIL/SIL won't come to you - because then they've have to not drink so they could drive home... apple doesn't fall far from the tree I take it.

tsnn Never watched the show. We frequently visit friends in the outer boroughs and I'm up and down to Boston a few times a year.

I have no idea why you're getting flamed here.

Also no idea why you're even considering going. They sound like gobshites.

Spend the day with your mates! People who actually like you.

She can't do the train/taxi or train/get picked up at the station combo that some people are suggesting, because she doesn't have a car seat that fits onto the buggy. Not really possible to carry a car seat onto a train while also transporting a child and its paraphernalia. And a huge unnecessary hassle!

To be honest, I would only really consider a journey like that with a tiny baby if I could get a lift all the way with a safe driver. For your ILs to insist on drink driving, putting you in a position where you can't possibly safely accept a lift from them, and then complaining if you don't want to put yourself out by exploring extremely inconvenient or expensive alternative options is outrageous. I'd do the picnic with your friends; sounds great.

I can't believe so many people think you should drive over there, when you'll never really need to do so, and appear to be keen to make you seem in the wrong when you're clearly not, OP. I have no idea why you've had some of these really bizarre posts from people!

I think stick to your guns, leave it with your partner to sort out after making sure his family realises you both feel this way and are (obviously!) entirely correct in doing so, and enjoy yourself. There's no point attempting to reason with people crazy enough to drink and drive.

OP: New Jersey Transit runs regular buses from Port Authority Bus station on Manhattan to Springfield Township. You could just get a taxi at each end.
The fare is less than $10 each way for an adult and child and takes about 40 minutes.
If they have allergies then realistically you should go to them, but likewise they should not drink if they are carrying you and your baby. Your H should be brokering a compromise/sensible resolution here.

BTW I also live in a city where driving is pointless and frustrating, and I therefore haven't gotten around to learning at this stage (no particular need). While I intend to at some stage, I would be bloody livid if I had to force myself into it for the sake of shitty drink-driving in-laws. Not cool.

Op go to the hudson and picnic and watch the fireworks with your friends.

Seriously your inlaws sound horrid; calling you a bitch and shouting and screaming. Its just not ok, if you had posted that your dh had done the same you would be told to ltb... But somehow its ok because its your mil?!! I think not. If they want to see their grandchild they will be nice and also forgo a drink, it wont kill them.

I've not read all the thread, but seriously, Mixxy, don't go and don't fork out all that money to go!

You've said you're not willing to go and be driven back by a drunk. you've suggested that PIL lay off the booze and they have said no.

If your DH were going and driving you would go, right?

There are always going to be things you can't go to. That's life. Just say 'sorry, we can't go this time round'.

Invite them for thanksgiving though - this would be a great way to see where they lie, and whether it is all about their terms/.

I don't like talking about American/English divide. It makes sound more frightening than it is and something that is also insolvable.
But there are some clear cultural differences and you will have to take that into account (as well as your IL btw)

However, I still think that your IL are reactions to your general differences, not just with drink driving issue, even if this is very much a sticking point.
And that it's not just a generation issue either. Maybe your Dh and BIL/SIL do not drink and drive but as you said there are A LOT of drunk drivers around on these days, I am guessing that it's still an OK thing to do by most standards.

Your ILs family have solved their problem. they don't drink and drive and have all celebrations near home.
You now need to solve your problem which is
1- whether you want to attend your IL's family celebration
2- If you do, whether it is always with your DH
3- If you are happy to go wo your DH (because of your ds), then how are you going to manage it? Taxi was one of the things you proposed. Hotel or staying at your PIL for the night is another etc etc.
4- Perhaps the most important, how not to raise into a shouting match with your IL as this has clearly not being working up to now.
5- Forget about trying to convince/prove that you are right and they are wrong. they are in their 80s, they are not going to change their mind soon...

Seriously cannot believe the amount of people getting at Mixxy because she has said no to ONE family function because her DH is working and she can't trust FIL not to drive her and her very young son home DRUNK.

DRUNK, PEOPLE!

Did you all see that.

PIL want them to be driven home, many miles, by FIL who is drunk.

Seriously NOT ON.

Don't go. The Thanksgiving party is enough. Driving in Manhatten with someone in their eighties even without the drink would spook me.

I missed the intervening posts while googling transport options for oyu, so didn't see that your buggy is unsuitable for public transport. I suspect buying a suitable buggy which you can use again and again would be less expensive than a taxi all the way to Sringfield Township.

momb I'm not getting a subway to PA, then onto a bus, with a Bugaboo stroller and a full car seat only to be collected by a cab 1 hour later and driven to ILs then do the same back.

Mixxy,

Stop thinking of ways round this.

You have said no to one family function.

This will come up time and time again. What are they going to do when you say no to others? If you give in now, MIL will think coming round and screaming will get her, her own way!!!!

I cannot believe people have not twigged here.

She said no to one family function...... the woman came round the house SCREAMING.

Sheesh. Sound like PIL need a kick up the bum

It's not just one family function, though.

Has anyone read the OP?

"I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this )"

I'd not go. If she's going to start getting stroppy and browbeating you and your DH, then, frankly, in your shoes, I could find things I'd rather do. Like stay at home and do nothing, for starters.

Giant, she has said no to several. the family is getting upset as it has been going on for a while. Read the OP. The situation is not sustainable unless the OP is trying to cut out her in-laws.
They need to make an undertaking not to drink and then drive with her/her DS in the car. She needs to learn to drive so that on occasional family outings she can drive the ILs home if required. Or she needs to buy a bugaboo car seat adaptor so that her buggy will allow her to travel on public transport.

At the moment the OP does not want to be driven by the ILs if they have drunk alcohol (reasonable). The ILs insist on drinking even if they are driving (unreasonable). The OP will not learn to drive as it is scarey (unreasonable). The OP will not use public transport to visit ILs (unreasonable) The ILs do not want to visit the OPs home because of allergies (reasonable). The only circumstance under which you can be acceptably offended if they don't come to you for Thanksgiving is if you have booked a table in a cat free venue.

Why are you trying to cut out the ILs? There is definitely more to this than the drink driving. They are old people and as the biger person surely you coudl cut them some slack or meet them half way?

She isn't cutting them out. It sounds as if they live nearby and can pop in to see her (or insult her). She is refusing a family occasion without her husband at an inconvenient location in hot weather with a small, breast feeding baby. She has offered to host Thanksgiving to make up for it.