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Original poster

MIL says she and ILs are annoyed by our refusal to be driven drunk

323 replies

Mixxy · 27/06/2013 05:08

This has been an issue for a while, basically.

There is a family BBQ this 4th of July at my BILs house about an hour away by car. I'm not a driver here in the US (wrong side for the wheel, wrong side of the road). My DH will be working that day and so can't join me or drive me. This leaves me with the option of being driven by my PIL who are in their 80s. FIL will have a few G&Ts at family functions and feels it is perfectly fine to drive home. I don't feel the same. And I certainly won't be strapping my 4 month old DS into the back seat.

MIL came over and had a shouting match with my DH tonight saying she wanted to take DS to the BBQ and that all our in laws were getting annoyed that we never go anymore and that they want to see the baby. While DH is a bit more relaxed on drinl driving, he told her that everybody knew our position on this issue and knew where we lived if they wanted to come see the baby and that my wishes were to be respected - end of. She threw a dramatic fit that only she can. Its not like she wants me there, just DS. She might be willing to be chauffered around by somebody over the limit, and seemingly she thinks its okay to do with our DS!

I don't want to offend the in laws all the time (we have missed a lot of family functions over this). Anyone have any similar experiences or advise?

OP posts:
encyclogirl · 27/06/2013 14:20

I have friends in America who during their college days would judge the distance of the journey by how many beers they could consume.

eg "That's a 6 packer" "That's 4 bottler"

It was all said in great fun, but the message was clear. When we drive we like to have a drink.

beginnings · 27/06/2013 14:34

Fair enough Mixxy that's a sensible way of looking at it.

The only thing I would say is that children pick up on this stuff earlier than we think - I knew from a very early age that the relationship between my DM and her "D"M wasn't very good, and know that I didn't like Christmas very much (for instance) if she was around.

My aunt is no picnic either and I give her a very wide berth when I'm at home as frankly, I just don't need DD around her rubbish.

I wouldn't be hauling crap and a baby around in 34 degree heat either - us Irish aren't built for it - but I hope you manage to have a civilised weekend however you get there.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 27/06/2013 15:22

Sounds like you are making the right decision and still building bridges with them even though pil sound hideous!

Out of sheer curiosity what happened with the phoning embassy nonsense? Am v curious as to how that was resolved in any polite way!

flapinko · 27/06/2013 16:52

"Mixxy I can't believe some of the responses you've had.

Why should you go with people who don't care about drink driving and who have and have been extremely rude to you. They sound vile.

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't put myself in a situation where you're miles away from home and you're relying on taxi to pick you up. What if they start on you when you're there, you have no way of leaving?

Just tell them you aren't going."

This.

maillotjaune · 27/06/2013 20:03

Mixxy I think you are being very accommodating indeed to make an effort to spend time with people who treat you like this.

Grandparents who want a relationship with their grandchildren need to make an effort too, to be pleasant (really I don't expect much from my MIL although she is nastier to DH than to me these days) to the parents of those grandchildren.

And not driving in a big city with good public transport is just sensible.

Original poster
Mixxy · 27/06/2013 20:05

The Consulate rang me to let me know that my "senile MIL" had contacted them. I said " erm yes".

OP posts:
DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 27/06/2013 23:06

Oh good for the consulate! Was a rather incomprehensible thing to do...

SquinkiesRule · 27/06/2013 23:19

I think they are being bloody awful to you. I wouldn't go in the car with your FIL after he's been drinking either. The roads are full of knobs who drink and drive on the 4th in the US.
The local news reports how many deaths there were locally over the 4th each year on the morning news on the 5th.
I don't think many understand the transportation system you are up against here either. That and the heat. Holiday service on buses and subway and premium prices for a town car on that day, non existent taxi service if you need to go rural. Once out of Manhattan the service drops off dramatically, going to another state is pretty difficult unless you use greyhound. I really wouldn't bother at all.
Don't take the bullying, you are doing the right thing.

SquinkiesRule · 27/06/2013 23:19

Oh and why the hell did she call the consulate?

Pimpf · 27/06/2013 23:21

I. Think it's good of you to go when your dh isn't and they are openly hostile to you.

Has anyone pointed out to her that she ought to be nice to you, as you couldn't easily take her son and grandchild back to Ireland where she'd hardly ever see them. Not suggesting you do it but threaten it might make her take notice!!

MacaYoniandCheese · 27/06/2013 23:37

Stick to your guns. My MIL ( my children's grandmother) just got convicted for drunk driving. She is a very sweet, conservative lady but had a few too many G and Ts at a dinner party, fell asleep at the wheel and totalled a car containing a family of five. Thank FUCK nobody was hurt.

She's on house arrest for two years and has lost her license (very inconvenient with a poorly FIL to care for). I think she should be in jail, personally.

Zero Tolerance.

Original poster
Mixxy · 28/06/2013 01:13

Maca Shock This is the stuff of nightmares!

squinkles She rang them as she was upset that DS was registered on the Foreign Births registry and was getting an Irish passport. She refused to believe that the child would also be an an Irish citizen. She rang them to say that I was mad and that the child was American. They kindly told her that consulate services to Irish citizens were private and refused to acknowledge if I had sought them. They then rang me to let me know. I now have a copy of my will there for safe keeping. I was mortified.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 28/06/2013 01:32

I have duel Irish/US citizenship. It is a cool thing to have. You get to go in alll the short queues when travelling between the US and Europe.

I have four sons. I adore them. And I intend to be nice to their wives.

courgetteDOTcom · 28/06/2013 02:36

love the victim blaming on this thread! Confused

SquinkiesRule · 28/06/2013 02:39

Oh Dear Mixxy she's barking. Stay clear and only see them with Dh around.
We are all dual in out family too, very handy.
My MIL is barking mad too, (and a dual too) but she never tried to drive us drunk. She hasn't seen us in many years, Dh cut her off as she was trying to run our lifes for us.

Swallowingmywords · 28/06/2013 05:51

Are you sure the consulate phoned you? It is hard enough to get through to them.... I don't believe you, nice story though

fuckwittery · 28/06/2013 06:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepyfergus · 28/06/2013 06:08

Really Swallowing?? Shock

Lweji · 28/06/2013 06:09

The OP knows how to drive anyway, she just needs to switch sides.
And I'd advise most people to learn how to drive, yes, but not necessarily to have a car in an innner city.
It's not that complicated.

Lweji · 28/06/2013 06:12

But the OP is still perfectly justified in not wanting to be driven by a drunk FIL and in not going to a party where she is disliked by the people there.

Minoan · 28/06/2013 06:31

Am I the only one who would not want 4mo in car driven by 80 year old (even sober)? DH's gran drove into a lamp-post in her 80s and was sober, think of that horrible school crossing accident in Wales recently.

i agree keeping a car in Manhattan sounds pointless, but I would suck up the cost of car rental (if you do start driving) or taxis as overall it is cheaper than keeping a car year-round.

Original poster
Mixxy · 28/06/2013 06:34

swallowing Sorry if you can't get through to the Consulate, I've always had excellent service from them. They were very helpful in assisting me different visas and passports and when my husband got sick while abroad (even though he's a Yank). Really couldn't give a toss what you think either way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixxy · 28/06/2013 06:38

I think you're right Minoan about the age thing as well. But who in the family would be willing to have the 'car keys please' talk with FIL? He's a bad driver sober and he's deaf as a post and slow reaponsed as it is. If me or DH brought it up it would just look petty. I guess when he crashes the car it will be time for that talk.

OP posts:
marfisa · 28/06/2013 09:20

Haven't read all the posts but I think it's definitely a US/UK cultural difference. We are constantly horrified when visiting the US about how casually everyone seems to behave about driving under the influence. People in the UK take it much more seriously in my experience.

You are right, OP! Stick to your guns and don't let your ILS play roulette with your family's lives.

MrsHuxtable · 28/06/2013 10:26

In some countries husbands are allowed to beat their wives. Those people who think the op should suck it up because it's a cultural difference, do you also think the op should take a good beating if she moved to one of those countries with her dh? Or be forced to have her son circumcised because it's the cultural norm? Yeah, didn't think so...

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