Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

As for the deserve to be happy ( but you clearly aren't now) - eurghhhh

OMFG, that must have been heart breaking to read and to know that he kept it without a mention of it to you.

He isn't still considering teaching the son, is he?

Would you consider asking outright? Something like, so how did z react when you told her it was over?

That's a love letter written by an emotionally immature person. All about her, him and her ds. She sounds like a princess locked away from her handsome prince in a tower. How anyone could write those words to someone in a relationship is beyond me, I can't believe it! There is no respect for you, or concern. The fact he kept it is interesting - it boosts his ego every time he reads it. They have set themselves up as some sort of forlorn, forbidden lovers. It's not romantic though, just cruel, manipulative and incredibly unpleasant. As euphemism said, the fact he didn't show you it is telling - it's his prize. A kiss at the end? She knew what she was doing when she did that. It's subtly framing and blaming you without coming out and saying it...and he's letting her.

Only you know your relationship and if its worth saving.

Infidelity doesn't have to be the end, emotional or physical. However there can be no more lies. He's promised again there will be NC. If he breaks your trust again I don't think he's willing to do what it takes to save your marriage.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I agree Laz, it's the 'thrown together' bollock that has me!

Does that mean that I can hurl myself at everyone that comes into contact with MY DS then?

His music school teacher? His language teacher? What about thé holiday activity boys? Can they be on my target list?

I'd print that ffing email off, set it down in front of him, cross my arms and say one word. Beg for your life MoFo "Explain."

I'd get the ffing thing laminated take it to the relate counsellor and ask their take on why that email has been allowed to be sent, why is it not deleted and why H has not volunteered the information as a matter of full disclosure.

THEN i'd tell the shit to GTF out of MY home while I work out if I want a divorce or not.

Seriously, you need to show this man Every Other Weekend. You need to show him Child maintenance and see if that's the life he wants, cos pissing about damage limiting, simpering and sighing ain't going to happen anywhere near you!

You need to show that email to her husband and pop their tawdry little affair bubble once and for all.

I can promise you your marriage won't survive and flourish if you don't address this.

She is pathetic!

I want to buy an Asparagus tart and splat her with it, silly bitch!

He won't dissolve the love affair judging by that email, sorry.

She's keeping him hanging on.

just wanted to say that putting aside my feelings towards our friendship, I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting you to be ok
You are so, SO lovely, and good, and clever and talented and kind and wonderful, and deserve to be the happy, warm soul that normally radiates so bloody blatantly from you!

Aren't you absolutely livid about this???

Hissy I'm considering making a pass at the lollipop man.

I don't know which one of them is more stupid to be honest.

This is dangerous territory - that email is sent from someone deep in the "fantasy" bubble to someone in equally as deep. This is the self-serving crap that they feed each other and they hang onto every word. She's a player and enjoying the game, she wants him to see how decent she is...thinking about his feelings, putting his well-being above their "friendship", while silently insinuating you're the cause of the fall-out...
This will run and run...Star crossed lovers and all that.

I'd be printing that out and showing her H...ask him to remind his wife who she is in fact married too, because you as the wife of the recipient of that message find it deeply hurtful and incredibly inappropriate.

Faulk, it must have been so painful for you to have seen that, it has my heart thumping on your behalf - its taken me right back. I know you don't know me and that this doesn't help but I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I wouldn't show it to the dh because if he doesn't react the way you would like (and he didn't last time) then dh and z will further feel that op is the only one with the problem.

Z couldn't have left the door open any wider, could she?

I won't be showing it to OWH because I am not interested in their relationship. I will be asking my DP what communication they've had, and see if he tells me the truth.
Many years ago I wrote something similar to an ex, and my motives were not honorable - I was saying the correct words, but I made it obvious what I really meant! So I know exactly what is going on here.
Strangely, my reaction when I read it wasn't shock, anger etc but more like "Ha! gotcha"

Stinging is right - it is a fantasy, she is like a teenager with a crush. He's so so wonderful cheating on his wife emotionally

Now wonder he thinks she's his 'soulmate' if she tells him this stuff all the time!

And her ds is not your problem, not your dps. He'll live. What about your dc? How are they?

No, pack his bags, dump them on her door step in front of the h, and say 'you can keep him'.

I'll go, as I'm infuriated on your behalf, and he's done a bloody good job of minimizing it for you.

Strangely, my reaction when I read it wasn't shock, anger etc but more like "Ha! gotcha"

That reaction sounds triumphant, what are you going to do now though?

Don't know what I'm going to do now. He's just gone out for a run. Avoiding a conversation I think. Checked his phone - he's changed the security code from dots to a number. He's also changed the password on his laptop - I used to be able to use it when kids were on the pc, even tho he'd locked his email. I'm going to follow him.
We're going on holiday in 2 days - I'm hoping that we'll have a wonderful time and he'll realise what he could be missing.

faulkernegger please take care, this doesn't sound good at all, I'm sorry.

Got in the car, drove round the block and got out again feeling a bit stupid. Now I'm just really really pissed off. REALLY REALLY PISSED OFF.

This sounds awful. If your only plan is "I'm hoping that we'll have a wonderful time and he'll realise what he could be missing" than I think you are doomed.

Why should you be tap dancing for this (albeit) "so, SO lovely, and good, and clever and talented and kind and wonderful, and deserve to be the happy" guy?

Faulk , you are still employing the same flawed strategy and as predicted he is taking advantage.

A sorry man doesn't change his passwords. You KNOW this.

He is going to continue to treat you like mother, and play cat and mouse.

Your only chance of sorting this out is to chuck him out, for the password changes alone. He had his chance; he blew it.

Don't even bother listening to his claims of innocence. It's all bollocks. He only changed those passwords at this time for one reason, and you know it.

This being nice and hoping he will choose you strategy is doomed to failure, as he is proving to you.

I know you have 'Not Just Friends'. When are you going to make sure that he reads it? The changing of passwords is an enormous red flag - he clearly doesn't 'get it', does he? And until he does, you can turn yourself inside out trying to show him 'what he could be missing' but it won't work and somewhere along the line your self respect will be the casualty.

namechange.
mixxy he is a lovely guy, but he's also human and therefore not perfect. I wish OW could see the grumps and the bad temper and self doubt. She has only been seeing the best of him ( as you always do at the start of a relationship). But I have loved him and his faults for nearly 14 years, as he has me, or so I thought. I'm too angry to write any more - I've deleted god knows how much.

Please don't spend the holiday being the one who does all of the work both emotionally and physically, I know you want the dc's to have a good time but maintain your self respect.

Will he put the effort in to show you you're the woman he wants?

I would also insist he leaves his phone and laptop behind.