Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

Sorry to be so blunt - especially as I know that some marriages can survive affairs and be better afterwards - but why are you staying with a man who is putting his own need for flattery/ego-stroking above your emotional safety and wellbeing? He really doesn't seem to give a stuff, does he? These are not the actions of a man who values you.

It isn't, and getting him to read stuff won't help. It is enabling nonsense.

I spent ages trying to get my H to read stuff after his infidelity, and he would not. Even if he had, it would have been a sop to me.

They are only motivated by loss, shock and disaster at this stage of the game.

Ps why the name change?

We are all with fault. If you want the OW to see him with "the grumps and the bad temper and self doubt", please facilitate that exchange. Pack his bags, send him her way.

I know you love him, it is clear from everything you've posted.

How much do you love yourself?

Ah mixxy. That touched a nerve. Bollocks.

Just to remind everyone - the email was 12 days ago, and I think he's kept it because it was the last one.

Have you discussed the message with him?

Sweetheart, he has changed his passwords. Why? And why now?

I can tell you from bitter experience he will make up some lie about that. But it won't be the reason.

Please try to surface your real understanding of the situation. I don't wish to be harsh- I was a bigger fool than you for five years. It made me I'll in the end. Don't go there.

He should be working hard for you right now and he isn't. Changing passwords at this moment in time is so ....I can't even think of the word! He isn't being open or honest. While you are on holiday, every time he gets/receives a text your stomach will twist. I would bet money that he's hoping you'll behave on holiday and be good, so that when that gloss is there he can resume 'normal' relationships with her.

If he can't see who you are and how much you love him now, I doubt he ever will

Sorry, I didn't write that very well I meant that you'll have a nice holiday and you'll come back, him thinking all is calm and you're ok and he'll be back to lessons, texts etc. as soon as possible.

Fwiw I'm glad you aren't going to show it to OW's h. He would read it as how lovely she is and how much she values your h as a teacher. Whatever reason he kept the message, he didn't tell you about it. He kept it because it makes him feel good.

The only way he will see what he has to lose is if you take it away from him. I would never usually say this to anyone, but I really think you need to ask him to leave, as least for a whole to five you some space. He will only see what he has to lose once it has gone.

It's hard, when you are supposed to be going on holiday. You won't enjoy it at all; you'll be tying yourself in knots trying to be everything he could want/need/desire. You'll be killing yourself every time his phone beeps. You'll be on eggshells, the whole time trying to make him see what he could be missing.

I know it's hard, but can you leave him at home? I know you'll still be unhappy and wondering what he's up to, but surely, surely it's better than that constant state of anxiety?

Go alone with the dc. Have as good a time as you can - and you will both get the space you need to think about what you (both) want

That is what I thinking New. Teach him he isn't the only one with choices, and up your value to him. And to yourself at the same time.

I know so well how these crises go otherwise. You consider alternatives and they all seem like dead ends. You tell yourself you are not scared, it is just too impractical to chuck him out. The kids, the mortgage, work, family etc etc. you would need to move house, you would lose your garden, catastrophe would ensue. You would never find anyone else.

So you raise the issue carefully, he denies, you accept it as you want to believe him.

Then after the dust has settled, and probably some nice days or weeks, you start to acknowledge the suspicions are still there. Some new issue emerges eg changed passwords. Nagging doubts. You go round the route all over again. And so it goes on.

After a few months or years the final crisis comes and this time you don't ignore it. And only then, after that is over, do you see how unhappy you were for so long and didn't even see why. You have had periods of illness or drinking or misery. Putting up with endless selfishness you didn't sort.

And all the time they have had loads of fun and ego stroking.

That's how it goes.

Time to make a stand. You caught him out before, now he's changed his passwords. Why? Because he doesn't want you to catch him out again.

I've posted a thread on here about how my ridiculously lovely DP and how I keep checking his phone. He lets me, but he has nothing to hide. If I discovered one day he'd locked it......

Before you can expect him to respect your relationship, you need to show him you respect yourself. 14 years is a long time to love someone I know. Try to imagine the next 14 of him treating you like this....

So he's changed his phone password and his computer password?

This clearly is a man desperate to win your trust back. :(

If it was the last e-mail, why the password changes? If it was the last one, what could he possibly have to keep private?

Perhaps you're just reserved, but I haven't seen one post where you've said he's told you how horribly sorry he is, how he loves you more than anything, how he's devastated to have hurt you, how he really regrets his behaviour, how he'll never do anything like this again. Has he done any of these things?

The e-mail from Z is - of course - designed to make him think that he is not happy, that she loves him, and that it's all your fault. He's keeping it because he's thinking about those things.

What reasons are there for him to change his passwords and locks?

What is your bottom line?

When have you finally had enough?

Didn't he go running with her without your knowledge?

He is going to spend the holiday with you and your DC pining for her, probably sneaking off and contacting her every single chance he gets.

Please don't do this to yourself you deserve so much better.

Well put, Xales. How can it be a holiday when he's locked his texts and emails away from you. You can't trust him and he's pining for another woman who he thinks is his 'soul mate'. People can spout any old bullshit to get their own way. You really need to have a long hard look at what his actions have been.

Sorry, but he has no intention of stopping, if he was focused on you, keep things open, so hes proving himself,

By that stupid move, hes dig himself a shit pit.

On hol now and dp working hard - and I'm noticing and appreciating. There was a suspicious moment when his phone beeper at 3.30am but it turned out to be Stephen Fry on Twitter. There have been no emails texts or calls received or made.

Hope your holiday is ok, how are you so sure he's not in touch with her?

have you asked him why he has changed all his passwords despite "working hard" to make you STFU so he can get back on with his little fantasy romance ?

if not, why not ?

it's quite a crucial piece of "evidence" that he is still lying to you, no matter how many smoothies he makes and how tenderly he rubs in the suntan lotion

Kick him out! The stepford wife, pretending everything is fine, show him how lovely you are route is a dangerous one.

Bleugh to OW's email about how amazing he is, their amazing connection and "unusual circumstances" (him being her child's music teacher ), him "deserving" to let his light shine (which his nasty wife is preventing).

Bet it's all still going on.

He sounds like he has a big, big ego that you and OW are both massaging. That email was all ego massaging. You refer to his "self-doubt". And seem scared to do anything other than pussyfoot around him. And grateful when he makes any kind of effort (ie not being grumpy or showing temper).

And WTF with changing passwords etc? Hardly full disclosure.

Has he even agreed not to teach OW's DS?

he isn't treating you with respect, and you're not demanding any.

The affair has now been consumated. They don't need to send too many texts and e-mails because it is on another level now. He is throwing dust in your eyes by been a 'good' boy on holiday so he can use the leverage later when you're back at home, so that he could meet her...

Listen to me, I was with a cheater. I put tracing programme on his computer, I confiscated his phone, I was snooping on him day and night. Did this stop him? Nooooo. Did this make me look like a crazy lunatic? Yeeeees! I am still dealing with the emotional consequences. I should have just showed him the door - there and then. No snooping, nothing.

So sorry for you, but really you should have nipped it in the bud there and then - when your first thread started. I am afraid it is too late now...