Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

This is really dangerous territory, OP. It is exactly how affairs get swept under the carpet, because, in the moment, it is less painful for either party to just ignore it and restore 'normality'. But that normality is based on a sort of politeness and deception that cannot work indefinitely and will destroy one person's esteem whilst teaching the other that the consequences for their actions are almost zero. So it carries on.

When you are ready to face this I think you need to sit down and install some bottom lines and get the answers you need to move on. As it is, with the greatest respect, long term this is a recipe for disaster.

Sorry, OP, I'm sure you know that already, and you must be kind to yourself. Just a gentle nudge to make sure you don't both stay in the denial stage too long. Whole lives have gone by that way. thinking of you.

we won't be in this stage for long - I'm just waiting for the opportunity. Appreciate the heads -up tho'

DP has gone out for a run with ds, so I took the opportunity to look at his phone again. There was an email from Z (OW) saying she wanted him to be ok and to find peace with his family, and to carry on being the warm, wonderful man that he so blatantly is. She relishes the friendship and that's why stepping back is so hard. Please would he carry on teaching her ds because ds has warm feelings to my dp and this is quite rare for him.

This was sent the day after showdown, and he hasn't deleted it. I've sent it to myself, but I can't find how to delete that sending! I wonder if he's left it for me to find, to 'prove' everything is above board, or that he can't bear to delete it himself.

Faulk I don't know what to say, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

My gut feeling is that your P shouldn't continue to teach the son - not sure why - perhaps the whole idea of consequences etc.

It would be good if you could figure out how to delete the sent e-mail - is it an i-phone? Has agreed to complete transparency and openness, i.e. allowing you to check his phone?

No.

No more lessons. That's the deal.

Can you see if he has replied? I'm not familiar with i-phones and the like...

Agree, the lessons have to stop.

Sounds like she's clinging on and desperate to continue their EA and isn't above using her DS to get it. Her DS is not your or your DH's concern, he's hers.

She's not accepting that it's over.

Do you think the email is a good thing or a bad thing from your point of view?

He must cease all contact, she is being cunning and selfish.

She is hanging on. And he wants to, because the flattery is such a rush.

But where are you in all this? OP, he has to WANT you.

I feel so sorry for you ; this must be so painful.

Check his sent mail?

Not much time atm - if he replied to the email he has deleted it, and IF she sent anymore they've gone too.

Bit of head melt. How much more of these 'games' do you want to play? Obviously you value your marriage and this man dearly. You are a much more patient and understanding woman than I.

Is there not a trip to counselling on the cards very soon?

No MORE LESSONS! She can go looking for a warm and compassionate friend elsewhere. Bloody cheek!

She's playing a role - not asking/demanding anything but making sure he knows her door is always open. Using her child's relationship with him as an incentive to keep it going. She is being reasonable (in her eyes, probably his too) while you are not...they both sound manipulative and nasty tbh. No concern about you or your feelings at all.

Yes Lazarus has summed it up well.

I imagine your dp saved it so he could read again and again how wonderful he is.

So he didn't think of showing it to you on day 2 in the new spirit of honesty?

It's the manipulation that is so breathtaking! That DS has feelings so therefore he HAS to continue on giving the poor boy lessons.

Poor Kid, some Shrink's couch in the future will have a DS sized dent in it in future as he lists off her trail of conquests that she insisted he was inportant to..

I do hope your H realises that HE is in no way Special, that if she is this brazen, unfeeling and calculating to HIM, and consequently to HIS family, that she is clearly well practiced in this 'art of deception' and she is ruthless in getting HER needs met/ego flattered with no price (to be paid by others naturally) too high.

Ew. What a complete cow.

If anyone's interested - here's the email in full:
Hi
Just wanted to say that putting aside my feelings towards our friendship, I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting you to be ok.

You are so, SO lovely, and good, and clever and talented and kind and wonderful, and deserve to be the happy, warm soul that normally radiates so bloody blatantly from you!

I truly relish our friendship but understand about stepping back (despite being partly thrown together by unusual circumstances!) for the sake of you being able to achieve peace and happiness with your family (though please don't stop teaching ! I know he feels very warmly towards you and he doesn't naturally feel that to most grown-ups.)

I feel very lucky to have got to know you which also makes this bloody hard.
I want you to be ok.

Aaagghh!

Zx

I'm not surprised he wanted to keep this - who wouldn't want to be told this?
The sad thing is - I also think those things about him, but I used to say them back in the day when everything was new for us.
Am tempted to say them now, just to see his reaction! I won't - tired of stupid games.

Wow! - vom!

so good and talented and kind and wonderful....she sounds a bit immature. I also would be tempted to slot a few of those gems into a argument conversation with him. Selfish, self-centred, self-aggrandising jerk to keeping it.

And i wouldn't delete the fact that i had a copy of it.

I think you deserve a gold medal for not having replied to this manipulative, self-serving crap.

No idea what best course of action is here, I'd be dying to:

1. Reply to her as you, with both barrels. Or better yet, as him.
2. Forward it to her husband.
3. Then delete it.
4. And read him the absolute fucking riot act.

But I am not one of the wise ladies of this thread so all of those prob wrong. I agree he's keeping it to read and re-read though, and I think he def shouldn't. How that's achieved I've no idea.

That email sounded really childish..

But he didn't show you it, did he?

He is not so lovely and good.

And my god, she is manipulative.

If he really has fallen for that - well we know he has - he's a right donkey.