Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

It is helpful to expose it, in my view. Also, if he is SO convinced he is fair now, he has nothing to complain about, if he is doing the right thing.

I agree with others that he isn't. I don't think I have asked before- what is his justification for continuing? I can't see that he could possibly make it sound reasonable.

When I first went to Relate, and like you against mn advice, I made certain that central (not peripheral) to the agenda was my key issue at the time- namely that he was unfaithful and would not admit it. I was like a dog with a bone on that, and it came up every time the counsellor reached his review moments.

I suggest you do the same- keep your key issue on the table as a key problem, and do not let him distract you. And focus on explaining how that makes you feel. He is ignoring your feelings; if he is seen to do so in counselling too, he won't get far with a good counsellor. What he does after that will be the real measure of him.

Good to see you back but I'm surprised your boundaries have changed again.
I would suggest you read all your threads back- the number of times your dp said 'oh it's fine, we're family' before gaily skipping off for a secret meeting, £70(?) worth of secret texting, etc etc. he has consistently done what he liked while paying lip service to you. So yes, a big apology yet continuing to go to her house and bask in her adoration seems entirely in his character.
I do think you should tell people - maybe dd already has too? - wish you lots of luck because you sound so nice.

Faulk - you drew a line. He went over it. You've now -what, drawn another line? What then?

I know you don't want to separate. So does he.(know) There is no ultimatum on his behaviour. You'll just draw another line, whilst he does what he wants (and if that means seeing her, going from EA to physical affair, what then?).

Hope he realises what you are doing for him.

Nice to see you back - we all care about you.

I'm sorry that he hasn't agreed to stop seeing the other woman. She has won - she has got him to choose what she asked him to do over what you asked him to do. I can't imagine a more painful betrayal of your relationship. I'm even more sorry that your self esteem is low enough to allow this to happen.

Your heart must break every time he walks out the door to go to her house. I hope you are under no illusions about what is going on there - not only are they now continuing their EA, but he now has a 'troubled relationship' to receive her counselling about - so she can tell him 'Oh you're so lovely MusicMan, you don't deserve to be treated like that'. Now that they know the situation, they will be better at hiding their meet ups and communications. The new, covert nature will make the whole thing seem very taboo and exciting...

This is a pattern, honey. A pattern I know all. too. well. I hope you find the courage to tell him it's you or the music lessons, as right now all you've done is show him he can do what he likes and you'll sulk in the spare room for a few nights, look at some websites, and then give in.

No, I wouldn't tell anyone about the EA - what's the point? You're allowing it to continue so why highlight it with others unless you want to look a bit silly?

I'm sorry if the above sound harsh - it just genuinely makes me really sad to see you letting him away with this.

You asked him to do this one thing or your whole relationship was over, and what did he choose?

I DO know how this is going to turn out and it will not be separation

I told him I had been looking at places to live and checking out extra possible benefits and that I was prepared to do it

Faulk these two statements, in the same paragraph, contradict each other.

I think you know what you want but that you also know you won't get it, so you are preparing yourself to settle for what you can get.

I think you should tell others just so that you can see the incredulous look on their faces when you explain that he has a mistress and you're ok with that.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

He has chosen the other woman over you Faulk, you've lost.

I don't know how you can continue this relationship knowing that you mean so little to your DH, if he truly cared about you more than the OW then he would have stopped the music lessons.

You are allowing yourself to be a doormat, he has no respect for you and he never will.

I think that it's already turned physical with the OW, enjoy thinking of that every time that he is round her house giving her son music lessons.

Still you clearly will never leave him, so all the best and I hope that you enjoy being a doormat for the rest of your life. I'd say that you deserve better however my sympathy for you is waning, you don't want to help yourself at all, you just want to desperately cling to that toerag.

I think that this relationship will definitely end, your husband will end up leaving you for the OW.

that you are still drawing lines for him to step across. He could at least have stopped the lessons at her house. But hey, that didn't happen and you're stuck with what you've got.

Good luck, love. I hope your counsellor/s help you work on your self worth.

Stellar - that is too harsh. You don't know anymore than anyone else what he is up to.
Faulk sounds as if she is happy to have a marriage like this; he does what he wants and she puts up with it, STFU or loses him.

If that's how she wants it, it's her marriage.

I imagine he has said something like 'we need the money' from the lessons. That is entirely reasonable, is it not.

Faulk, my H - the reformed cheater- suggested to me about this thread that in his view the counselling will not stop your dilemma. Ie he wants one thing, you want another. You can't make him give it up. Arguing with him about whether he is still doing it or not is a diversion, as you have asked him to cut all contact, and it is visible that he refuses .

As counselling progresses the only outcomes are that he changes his mind, you do, or you are left with a stalemate where you have to protect the line you have drawn by leaving the relationship.

The counsellor can help you to think that through, but only in the sense that it clarifies both your options. Someone here is still going to have to act. Given he is acting, by ignoring you, the next person to act must be you if you want change.

Stellar your post was spiteful and uncalled for.

Why would Faulk continue posting when she has to read the bilge you've just written.

Faulk IMO it is very important that you tell people. That way, you get community support and he gets community disapproval.

Hi in the dark, glad to see you're back. Matilda is right, this is your relationship and you have to decide what action to take and the pace of change. Berating people is not helpful. I had this experience on this board under another name, and it just made me feel weak and judged. I went away but I'm glad you have kept posting. FWIW in the end I think I was right to take the action I did. Keep strong OP.

I did get a huge apology though

What was the apology for? How did he show his remorse?

How are you feeling?

Yes, how did this huge apology work?

Him: I'm so, SO sorry that I've made you so unhappy. I will do anything to make things better, as I love you more than anything and want our marriage to work.
You: I'd like you to stop giving this boy music lessons.
Him: No.

Sorry, don't get it.

Just another line drawn for him to step over laughing as he does
He knows now that you are all talk he knows you will not follow through with your threats.
How does it feel that your feelings are unimportant and that you are second best to OW
I truly feel so sorry for you. I hope you see this man for the tosser he is one day in the not so distant future.

MatryoshkaDoll Exactly.

I feel for you OP...

From what you say, virtually everyone here sees a situation that is not tenable for you, yet you continue along your own road. I am sure that those posters who have been through similar (I am not one of them) want to spare you the painful experience that you are intent on putting yourself through.

From what you say, then he really is walking all over you. He cares nothing for you. And as one other poster has said, I suspect he will end up leaving you for her. I suppose you will tell yourself that you did everything to keep your marriage going, but, in all honesty, IMO, he has checked out of your marriage some time ago :(

I wish you would take counselling for yourself. Would you do that?

{{ hugs }}

Oh dear, when I say I am not one of them.. I mean I have not been through a similar situation, however, I obviously want you to start putting yourself first here!

The line that you're drawing OP is that you will do anything to keep him including share him. Now he knows he can do whatever he likes. He can go to counselling & 'apologise' and continue with his affair.

The only way to keep him is to have courage & a) order that he give up this child and/or b) throw him out. He will know you're bluffing about looking for places to live.

If you don't set this line now, you simply give him carte blanche to get involved with whom he likes. Moreover he will never respect you.

As Spencer from MiC said to his ex: "How can I respect you when you let me cheat on you?"

Your H knows he's behaving badly, he knows what he should do & he sees you're letting him behave badly because you're too afraid of losing him to call him to account. That's very dangerous.

What's his reason for keeping up with the class?

He must know (I nearly wrote 'on some level' but actually it's at every level), that you have decided to stay with him, so he need only drop the class if he wants to - and he doesn't want to.

So sad for you OP. I was really hoping he would see what he's doing as wrong, and change things.

Gosh, this is such a sad thread to read - and from the sounds of things I've missed a thread, too. Your resignation has been evident all along. I wish that I could say that your DP will thank you and be grateful for the leeway you give him - but I suspect he'll simply use the leeway to his advantage. After all, he started an EA for a reason, and that reason has not gone away.

I know you say you've read about other people's DPs and your partner isn't as bad as them - but honey, really, are you prepared to settle for a guy who behaves badly but 'at least he's not as bad as some'? He might not be a violent abuser, but he is selfish, and has treated you very badly. We can all see that. You deserve so much better. I wish you'd demand it.

I'm sure he's a great man in a lot of ways, but when it came down to your feelings or the music lesson, he chose. How can you go on, when he's made that choice? I think my heart would feel like it had been ripped out. Would it have really been so hard to just stop the lessons? I guess the answer to that has to be yes - and then the new question has to be 'why'? - and I think we all know the answer to that.

Please don't take the criticism on here too badly. It's very difficult to see someone as lovely as you seem being treated badly and the 'd' P getting away with trampling all over them.

Take care hun.

Sorry, i dont think its progress at all, hes telling you what you want to hear.

He knows he went over the line but refuses to stop seeing her, hes not ready to give her up, and he wont until he has a choice to make.

You leaving or leaving her.

You feel find more upset before happiness.