Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

I see your point. It's tricky if they are not at least "on the run", as it were, and this man isn't.

But OP, I think you are making progress. Hang on in there and keep your eye on the ball. I think you might "win" this way, but I do think you may be disappointed with the prize.

By which I mean, once he has done it, he's done it. It can never be the same- he broke it. You havnt had time to consider that yet, as you have been fire fighting. But you might get there.

I really pray your counsellor is smart, and nails him.

IF she bleats on about the relationship and missing needs - quietly get up, and walk out.

(Make sure you have the car keys).

How did it go, Faulk?

Bottom line is he wants to carry on seeing this woman, even though it is wrong, it upsets you - he doesn't put you first, he is putting this fledgling relationship before you and your marriage, your family life. He won't face up to it so you'll just have to force it and TELL him he is leaving.
I hope he gets himself together before that happens, but it doesn't sound like he will.
How was counselling?

Op - are you ok?

Faulk, hope you and your dc's are ok after the session last night.

Take care.

Adding my concern. xxx

Also thinking of you inthedusk. Genuinely am hoping that the counselling has heralded some rapid and dramatic improvement x

Hope it went well. Glad you liked 'cuntychops' it's my current favourite word. Wankbadger is another great MN word that always cheers me up.

I'm guessing it did not go well or, at least, did not bring the outcome that you were hoping for Faulk. I can't say I am surprised, it was a lot to hope for. Until he is ready to walk away from her, he will not be ready to commit to you. Where do you want to go from here?

I'm guessing that to faire. I'm imagining faulk in a corner somewhere, knowing what to do but not wanting to do it.

Which is up to her, of course.

Just seen this - how was the counselling, faulk? Did he agree to give up the damn music lesson?

inthedusk / faulk, I'm guessing your DH was unable to see the issues you wanted to cover in the session. I tried counselling with my now xh and realised after far too many sessions he was never going to address the real issues in our marriage.
Only you can decide what to do now, but follow your heart. You KNOW how this will all turn out in the end and if its going to be separation and maybe divorce, don't spin it out - its horrible to go through.

delurking to add to MOUI last post....

I have been following your thread, I think I have posted just once, no need for more because you have had some excellent advice.

I really feel that you are on a hiding to nothing now :( I was never in your position so I cannot speak from experience but from what I have read you are in a no win situation. He is putting his own needs above yours. He does not care about your feelings.

At what point will this sink in? What will it take for you take back control?

Really you are worth so much more than this (hug)

I hope you come back to this thread.

Same here in the dark - I keep thinking about you and wishing you well.

Lets hear from Faulk, before we jump to conclusions.

Faulk, are you OK? I am absolutely holding thumbs that you got a good counsellor.

I saw her on the 'where did you get your MN NN' thread - so she is around.

Still mulling/absorbing I expect and doesn't want to put it on here.

It is one of the faults of MN and shows how much training counsellors have , that we tell people what to do instead of listening and giving them the space to come to their truths in their own times.

Faulk probably doesn't want a barrage.

I agree with that Wellwobbly. This thread has been good on the whole, but I have seen them where people have been unspeakably rude to someone not instantly jumping to their advice.

Agree with you there wellwobbly.

Still here. mineof has it right - I DO know how this is going to turn out and it will not be separation. The counselling was more of an assessment with a view to further sessions, but I did get chance to put my point. No, the lessons haven't stopped, BUT in the overall context of our relationship, and with the new boundaries that have been set, I really do not want us to split up and neither does he. I told him I had been looking at places to live and checking out extra possible benefits and that I was prepared to do it. I still am, and I'm not so shortsighted as to think everything is immediately ok.
Sorry, am in a bit of a hurry, if this sounds rushed.
Have been reading other threads about some people's truly awful DPs - mine is not like that. Yes, he stepped over the line, no, he didn't consider me or my feelings. I did get a huge apology though, and he is really trying hard.
Question - do you think my exposing the EA to our friends and his family is helpful, or just mean and revengeful? Very few people know.

Definitely helpful.

Thanks for up-dating. I know that you're looking at a much bigger picture than the snapshot you're able to post here, but I just don't understand how you can accept that "he is really trying hard" if he refuses to do the one thing, that's really very small in the grand scheme of things (or at least it should be), that is at the crux of sorting this.

He WILL NOT give up giving music lessons to this boy, even though you feel that it represents him putting his EA woman over and above you. That may or may not be the case (in his mind) but the fact that it is so important to you, yet he refuses to do it, speaks volumes. How can you agree to let it pass, just because he's doing more washing up "trying hard."

Everyone knows it's not going to be separation, including your partner who is still enjoying his EA.