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Original poster

Update on EA

865 replies

faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

OP posts:
Jux · 15/09/2013 20:57

In the same way that 'help' is only help if it's something the recipient finds helpful, so too is thoughtfulness. Making you breakfast in bed is only thoughtful if it's something you want, if it's not then it's not thoughtful. Thoutfulness would have him doing something for you that you actually want.

Lazy. Very lazy. For him, what's a quick thing I can do that proves how lovely I am, before counselling? Oh yes, all women want breakfast in bed; easy!

No: what would Faulk really like? Deep thought for a long time. Listen carefully to things F says. Think about things F says. Ah Bingo! She'd like that! Right, I'll organise it.

Oh no. None of that. because what F would really like is to stop the bloody music lessons

Inertia · 15/09/2013 23:51

Faulk,what he is actually trying to do is distract you. He thinks you are dozy enough to be so captivated by the concept of tea and toast outside of the kitchen , that there will be no room in your head to notice that he's still having an affair and continuing the lessons.

Not only is he insulting your relationship by having an affair, he is insulting your intelligence by treating you like a toddler who can be entranced by shiny things ( or breakfast, or a man parenting his own children ).

Ezio · 16/09/2013 00:15

Faulk, simply put, your DP thinks your twat, who just needs a few nice gestures before she shuts the fuck up.

Stop letting him treat you like a twat, and show that you mean fucking business.

Until you do, hes just gonna keep laughing in your face and patting your head.

captainmummy · 16/09/2013 08:37

Good luck with the counselling, Faulk. Really.

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/09/2013 08:39

Good luck from here too.

Ezio · 16/09/2013 08:43

Good Luck, i hope you manage to get your point across to him and he listens.

lazarusb · 16/09/2013 09:50

Good luck today. I do mean that. I hope that he can begin to see things your way and the only way to show you the love and respect you deserve is to stop these lessons.

That really is the crux of the matter here. If he won't do that....

Jux · 16/09/2013 10:58

Good luck from here too. I shall be thinking of you.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 16/09/2013 16:34

Thank you for your good luck wishes. I have been rehearsing in my head some of the things I want to say at counselling, well, one thing in particular, and you all know what that is. I am prepared to follow through, and have been awake most of the night thinking about the consequences, but I hope hope hope it works.
This is my bottom line, and I don't think I can live with myself if I give in.
There is another story where I felt like this and I might tell you all about it another time. I just remind myself how strong i was then and how it worked out for the best.
Don't know what state I'll be in later - the appointment is at 8.15.

Inertia · 16/09/2013 16:53

Good luck- hope things go well for you in the session , that you get the chance to say what you need to say, and that you are listened to.

lazarusb · 16/09/2013 17:03

I'll be thinking of you this evening. Know that we're all behind you and find your inner strength. I'm sure you can do this.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 17:18

Write down all the things you want to make sure you get the chance to say. Otherwise, you might find the session is dominated by your husband, and the time will be up before you know it.

Much like when you visit the doctor, it all flies out of your head and your mind goes blank. Have notes to refer to.

youvegotmail · 16/09/2013 17:51

Good luck inthedusk - you've asked for this counselling so make sure you are heard.

Keep angry. Keep thinking of the things that were said and done between them, and the secrecy, sneaky messaging etc because it'll remind you why the cessation of these lessons is so vital.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 16/09/2013 18:02

Thinking of you and lots of luck.

ProphetOfDoom · 16/09/2013 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 16/09/2013 18:31

Yes, good idea to write things down. If anything else comes up, ask to talk about that next time because, today, you already have concerns to address.

onefewernow · 16/09/2013 19:35

Good luck.

Light note to make you smile- I said up thread that I made such a list, and it was damning. Afterwards H referred to it in counselling and out as " the charge sheet "!

onefewernow · 16/09/2013 19:35

Good luck.

Light note to make you smile- I said up thread that I made such a list, and it was damning. Afterwards H referred to it in counselling and out as " the charge sheet "!

Xales · 16/09/2013 19:37

Good luck. Despite my negative attitude towards your H and his actions I do hope you get what you want.

maras2 · 16/09/2013 19:38

Good luck,Faulk.Don't let him talk the talk.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 19:48

I am hoping to be proved wrong in my pessimistic view of how much use joint counselling will be with this particular specimen.

youvegotmail · 16/09/2013 20:03

Given that he's going to counselling because it was an easier option than agreeing to not see the OW any more I guess it's not looking good...

I hope you get a good counsellor who puts this issue on the line and makes him squirm about why he's insisting on continuing this affair.

onefewernow · 16/09/2013 20:19

AF for a few cases I think there is theming route or the short one. I now believe that the short one- kick them out- is preferable and delivers more, and more quickly .

I didn't take it, however, and whilst I do regret that, it can bring some success, proving the betrayed party keeps a strategic eye on the ball. It's better than nothing for those not ready to just walk.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 20:26

Like, I said, I would love to eat my own words.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 20:27

rogue comma, sorry Smile