Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

Im not going to bother answering that Jux x

I've noticed landrover on other threads and she has seemed caring, warm and polite to me. I imagine like lots of us watching this thread that she is simply concerned for faulk and hoping for some good news.

Thankyou Nightscented xx

shrug

I think lots of people were on the OP's original thread, too, and have spent several months now thinking about her and worrying about her. I'm one.

I hope she updates because I want to hear that he has agreed not to teach the lessons. I can't help caring.

OP has said that she's tired of updating for now, but may report back in a few months. It's her life, regardless of anyone else's emotional investment in her story. I'm sure she'll return to the thread sooner if she needs support.

Not much happening - first counselling session not till next Mon. But you're all desperate to know - the lessons have not been cancelled. We had a screaming row about it and he wouldn't back down - that's when I asked for the counselling.
Now I'm feeling very ambivalent. if it wasn't for the children I probably would Have left by now

Hi inthedusk. Sorry you're still facing this crap from him.

He is hard-nosed isn't he .

You have options. Did you get any info on practical/financial stuff, or talk to supportive RL friends yet?

If anyone leaves the house it should be him, but presume he won't do that for you

He really is a selfish twat. I'm not surprised you feel ambivalent. I would fall out of love with someone who behaved like this.

Good luck on Monday. I don't know what he can say to mend this and can only imagine he wants to use it to convince you he is right. I feel for you.

OP, sorry to say it, but I think he's let you know very clearly where you are on his priority list. Only you can decide if this is enough for you.
Sending you a ((hug)). I've been there, and my xh is still as selfish.

Good luck Monday. I made a list before I went eg infidelity-denied, ignoring my views and concerns, using anger as a manipulative deflecting strategy, feeling undervalued etc. Write it all out for yourself, at least.

FWIW, and my kids were older, it was my kids who acted as the catalyst, as over the previous summer one had become angry with him for his general lack of concern towards me, and angry with me for leering him- my daughter. My son was constantly checking how I was, despite "knowing nothing". They were 12 and 14, and were raised in a home where they would not have been overtly aware of rows and bad behaviour.

We have to ask ourselves how little they know, and how early. And it's effects.

Letting!

One good/perverse thing that has come out of this - I've lost a stone in weight, and he keeps telling me how good I look! ( I have to bite my tongue so hard it's in shreds......)

Thanks onefewer - a list is a great idea, and I note that your list is identical to mine. Hmm. I don't know how much the children 'know' - I have been careful not to start any discussion when they're around, but they know when Daddy's been in the spare room ( I usually say it's his snoring). I have also been known to say ' don't mention that name (OW) to me - I don't like her'. Too much??

maybe in time the op will break (as this sought of life takes it's toll) and kick him out but it's not gonna happen soon

it's sad that she feels for whatever reason that she wont/cant but thats the way it reads

op i hope one day you find the strength to get rid before he pushes you to a possible breakdown

all the best in future choices

OP - what does this situation teach your Cs about relationships? Wasn't it your daughter who first said something about DP and OW?

I didn't talk to mine either. Still, they're not daft!

I'm keeping an eye on your post ITDark, because I think you were a bit like I was. - not wanting to leave, knowing things weren't right, thinking I needed proof, and finally getting ill, all despite being fairly assertive in life generally. I'm so praying (despite no religious tendencies), that you shift gear faster than I did, because five years is a long time, and I'm stunned now how I let that happen.

It's the frog in hot water, isn't it? Chuck it into boiling and it'll jump out; turn the heat up slowly and it'll cook, Look back on your engagement or early days and imagine you looking into your own future- would you have let this happen? Ill bet not, and that younger self was not stupid or naive either.

Even if the counselling doesn't work out with him, keep going by yourself until you are happy with yourself and your life plan.

And so well done for staying in the spare room.

FWIW I think you are making some progress, whether others think so or not.

Keep going. Everyone deserves better than you are getting. Take care.

I just want to add - I DID ask him to leave, as soon as he said he wouldn't stop the lessons. I told him it was a deal breaker - and I've said all this earlier. he refused to go because he said it was insane. Don't think I haven't tried.
What I am certain of is that the relationship is worth trying to save, but I've told him that I'm not doing all the work. hence counselling.

It may well be. He has to try too, though. You have drawn your line in the sand and its a damn good line. Don't go back on it.

Can I recommend you back up that counselling with a book? Cloud and Townsend on boundaries. It is brilliant. I heard of it on MN myself. The authors are a bit religious and American, but it is a well respected book on boundary management techniques, and I think you would really benefit from it.

The other thing is, like all affairs and crushes, the reason your H is doing thus is nothing to do with you and your marriage or what ought to be in your marriage. He is doing thus because it meets a need in him which he is not addressing, even if it is just chivalry and flattery of his ego. That hole was there when you met him.

This not thus! Bloody iPhone

The only relationship that will be left to save is one where he has very little respect for you.

I'm so sorry, but the way you're dealing with this is actually sabotaging the relationship, not saving it.

I very much doubt that couples counselling is appropriate at this juncture. You might be incredibly fortunate and find a good therapist who understands infidelity, but they are thin on the ground and there are rather more of the 'let's not talk about the OW, let's talk about your relationship' kind, because that's safe and familiar territory, even if the dynamic between the couple was never the main issue.

I also have a vague memory of an earlier thread where you disclosed your children were getting very concerned and scared about their father's attachment to this other family. I think you might be putting your head in the sand about their internal conflicts too.

If you need a physical separation from a partner and he will not grant it, at that point all attempts to rescue the relationship should cease. When this is added to his complete refusal to give up contact with this woman, going to counselling is very inappropriate. It signals that you still want to work on the relationship, despite every request you make being refused.

Every time you insist on a boundary and it gets broken, you diminish yourself by staying around any longer.

I asked you a while back what was stopping you from ending this relationship and ceasing any more efforts at repair. I think you'd find it so much more helpful to see a personal counsellor to wrestle with this issue because as objective observers, so many of us can see the folly in your passivity and how this is actually working against your apparent objectives to save this relationship, come what may. It might not be too late to switch the counselling appointment to a solo consultation and I'd strongly advise that now.

Longer term, I'd be looking at any other options you might have to living separately from him, e.g. a short let somewhere near the children's schools and legal protection for your financial interests in your current home, if owned. This whole situation is a terrible environment for children who have been troubled for months by their father's behaviour and who can now see their parents living separate lives in their home, with all the tension that entails.

Please think very carefully about your chosen course of action. It's likely to be very damaging to you and your children.

Charbon - with all due respect, you don't know us. Yes, this is a crisis. I'm seeing it as a chapter in the relationship, not the whole story.