Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

Legal advice would be good. The trouble is going through the legalities and selling the property (main option if he refuses to move out?) is high-stakes, costly and will affect the DC. Not that it'd be your fault, whatever he says.

Although starting the legalities might give him a shock.

If he really cared about sorting things out he would give you space when you asked.

Faulk - you are the only one working on your relationship/partnership. He is not.

He has done nothing to work on his partnership with you, and nothing to work on his family.

You are doing all the demanding, cajoling, being super-nice - he has carried on as usual, and done nothing.

You have asked for 1 thing (go NC with OW) and he won't/can't even do that.

He will not see how much work needs doing on his family/relationship untill it is on the line!

Def get legal advice.

If teaching the boy is so important to him, rather than seeing OW - then he could teach the boy at yours, at a time when you are there. If he refuses that, then you have your answer.

(And no, she doesn't have to come with him, she can drop him on the pavement outside, and go, and then come back and wait for him in the car outside. DH teaches too, and his pupils' parents rarely come to the door.)

Bumping in the hope of an update op x

I'm looking out for updates too, OP. I'm concerned about you.

Just hoping you are ok - I know you probably are not, but thinking of you anyway.

Also thinking of you. Not sure if I missed a post but did you ask him to leave and he refused? I hope you are finding this thread supportive and not feeling harangued, and will be able to tell us how you are doing.

The Op has disappeared, I think?

OP has taken a break before when she feels a bit overwhelmed by everyone's certainty, IIRC.

OP, I know what I think you should do from reading this. I DON'T know how I'd feel if it were me although I hope I would try to take back the power because I think that would give a greater chance of recovery (whatever outcome I was working to). I can imagine how excruciating this is.

I know you sound like a lovely person who deserves the best. I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Update if you can - lots of people are concerned about you and outraged on your behalf (even if you think we're being too shouty in how we express it).

I'm sorry you've been chased away by us.

Please do keep posting, perhaps start a new thread under a different name?

I do wish you well, and hope you resolve this horrible situation to your own satisfaction. I hope you have rl support, and that you do feel - after a break maybe - that you can come back here.

Am still here. I have been ill - some horrible fluey/gastric thing, and I'm still burping and farting like a trooper to the amusement of the DCs.
We are going to counselling, and I thank you all so much for your concerns and opinions and support.
I don't think I want to report back every little detail anymore - it's too energy draining on top of dealing with the problem itself. I will post on how it's going in a few months - it's a long haul - repair the damage and then rebuild the relationship.
Thank you thank you again. to all.

Is he still doing the lessons?

Make sure you talk about the music lessons in the counselling. Don't get derailed or sidetracked.

If he brings up other stuff, say 'Yes, I would also like to talk to you about that, but first I want to talk about this.^

Bottom line, he agreed to go no contact. He refused to stop the music lessons. HE REFUSED TO GO NO CONTACT.

Get the counsellor to help him talk about that.

Please at least tell us that he has agreed not to do the music lessons? If he hasn't, counselling is irrelevant.

Please don't let anyone tell you - including a counsellor - that it doesn't matter if it wasn't physical either.

Best of luck to you, I hope you find a resolution you can find happiness in. I hope he finds the 'you' we can all see and he starts to appreciate and respect you.

I also hope you feel better soon

He just doesn't get it, does he? His "I can do this," remark shows this, along with "I thought we were back to normal." He really thought you were going to STFU and let him carry on in his own sweet way.

Let's hope the counsellor can help him to "get it."

I hope it works out for you, OP. I can see you have to try the counselling, but I do expect that the sessions will mainly consist of him listing your faults in order to justify his shitty behaviour and take a "the relationship must have been lacking to make him do this" approach

I hope for your sake you get a counsellor that brooks no crap like that.

Ideally, you should both have individual sessions. Him ...to explore the reasons why he gave himself permission to treat a person he is meant to cherish in such an appalling way. You ...to pinpoint why you let him do it, repeatedly. You have to change your passive mindset, it is doing you no favours at all.

Remember to accept no fault, and make sure your voice is heard. Bail out if that does not happen.

"I asked him why he had taught the boy tonight."
"DP:I told you I was starting this week"

He's taking you for a fool by deliberately misunderstanding your point and hoping you'll let it go.

"DP: he deserves to be taught"

Seriously? He thinks that's reason enough to put you through all this? He's floundering around for justification that you can't object to, as in 'what caring woman would deny a child the opportunity to have music lessons?'

"DP: Ow asked me to and I said I would"
"me: and I asked you not to and you have completely ignored my feelings."
Brilliant response on your part.

"DP; no I haven't"
He's insane.

Forgive me, but I think that the reason you are walking away from the thread and that updating it upsets you is that he has STILL not agreed to stop the music lessons, and you feel stressed out constantly having to justify allowing him this unjustifiable action. I would bet money that he has not agreed to stop.

I can understand you not wanting to update as it's upsetting when everyone keeps telling you something you don't want to hear - but please bear in mind that not reading about it on here doesn't make it any less true.

Him even agreeing to the counselling (or suggesting it) rather than stopping the lessons shows his desperation to keep OW in his life, and he will undoubtedly use the counselling to try to put some of this onto you, and talk about why you don't trust him enough to do a music lesson, not to mention all the reasons that the poor little man was forced to flee to the arms of the OW in the first place.

He now knows he can do what he likes, and counselling is not going to solve that. Actions really do speak louder than words, especially when all your words so far have clearly meant nothing to him. He is not sorry for his behaviour and won't change until you make him sorry.

Good luck Faulk. Please come back if you need to.

I do so hope that these horrible events prove a personal growth opportunity for you, and I don't doubt they will.

And please do not let him pull the old trick in counselling of making you partly responsible for his behaviour in this. You are not. If he even hints at problems prior, you could ask him why he chose to solve them that way instead of raising them with you. He can hardly deny he is assertive at getting what he wants.

bumping again in hope of update x

Landrover, this isn't a soap for your delectation. If the op wants to update, the she will. You haven't contributed to this thread at all except to ask for updates and in so doing, you haven't even expressed concern. You are looking salacious and insensitive. Are you?