Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on EA

865 replies

faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/09/2013 17:12

I remember your first thread when we were all telling you that he was having an emotional affair with this woman.

You really, really did not agree. You dug your heels in and came up with every excuse you could as to how his behaviour could be explained as innocent.

You are doing it again.

You know this has nothing to do with the boy or the music lessons.

For him, this is a very clear choice. There are two women in his life, he has to prioritise one of them above the other.

He has chosen her.

And you are letting him.

I really hope you can find some resolve and hang on to some anger.

How did it go with CAB? Did you go?

Jux · 05/09/2013 18:28

It's the secrecy and lies that do the worst damage. Sad

so, so sorry.

landrover · 05/09/2013 21:48

hope op gives us an update !

littlebunnyfriend · 05/09/2013 22:03

Are you ok Faulk/Inthedusk?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 05/09/2013 22:16

Not ok. Just had horrible conversation/row. He won't go. quote "this is insane, it's not like that, you're not second best, it's different this time"
I went out for a walk, but don't feel any better. Just numb.
He also said - I've given you all my passwords etc - you've got me cornered.
Am very very low.

tessa6 · 05/09/2013 22:21

what an unhelpful and sad reaction. 'Cornered?' really? like you're his police or mother? It's different this time? What other time is he referring to?

He's avoiding the issue. The issue is very simple. You were forced into making a reasonable demand and he is ignoring that and disrespecting you. It's a dealbreaker. That's the end of it.

littlebunnyfriend · 05/09/2013 22:21

I'm so sorry inthedusk.

I don't understand one thing - what justification is he giving for continuing the lesson? Surely it should be a small, easy thing to drop one pupil? I really don't understand how he's arguing his corner on this one, considering his previous behaviour with the OW and the pain it is causing you?

Ps - 'cornered' is a very low thing to say. He is not sorry, just 'cornered'. He's making some very bad and hurtful choices right now. :(

tessa6 · 05/09/2013 22:21

Big hugs to you. this lowness will pass, I promise. We're here for you.

tessa6 · 05/09/2013 22:22

'cornered' is horrible. Like he views you as the enemy against him and her.

Doha · 05/09/2013 22:23

He thinks he has done enough--he hasn't.
You have simply asked him to stop teaching 1 pupil--he won't.
He does not respect your feelings or this relationship at all. It is almost as if he is blaming you with "you've got me cornered"
How did you get on at CAB today?

Perhaps now is the time to tell him that it's over.

Ezio · 05/09/2013 22:29

Different this time?

Does he have form for this.

Xales · 05/09/2013 22:32

So sorry.

He is completely determined to carry on with these lessons and see this woman.

You have his passwords? Only because the devious man changed them deliberately while he was busy getting close to OW and you forced the issue.

You have him cornered. Way to make you feel like he wants to be with you rather than has no choice.

You have asked him not to carry on, he arranges to do so in a very nasty, deceitful and hurtful manner and thinks that telling you you are not second best will fob you off.

His actions speak a lot louder than his words.

Doha · 05/09/2013 22:39

Even if he does eventually agree to stop the lessons, l cannot see how your relationship can possibly survive these recent events.

pomdereplay · 05/09/2013 22:39

Oh that utter shit. He's talking like a pathetic little addict with his 'It's different this time' and his 'I can do this'.

I'm so sorry things aren't going as you hoped. Stay strong.

onefewernow · 05/09/2013 22:40

It's different this time? What does he mean? If he is referring to 6 weeks ago, it is the same "time".

'Cornered' is a telling word. It means he doesn't want what you want, but you have "got" him in terms of his options right now.

It means that he CHOOSES her, that he CHOOSES to decide that your feeling do not matter, unless you FORCE him to consider them. It means that actually he is so self centred and chasing good things for himself over either woman, that he is wiling for now to put up with your ultimatums (possibly) in order not to lose his home and domestic support. For now.

But if the OW comes through eventually, that may well change.

I truly believe that you deserve better. Anyone does, in a marriage.

Personally- and I didn't chuck my H out, despite mn advice- I would chuck him out for the cornered remark alone.

Poor you Faulk. You are certain getting stronger, in my view. Keep going.

Loopytiles · 05/09/2013 22:45

So he's making you out to be paranoid, unreasonable and himself noble (in being able to control himself around OW), "cornered" and trapped.

Am really sorry inthedusk, but OW or not he doesn't seem to want to be with you. Sad

Loopytiles · 05/09/2013 22:46

What are your options with respect to getting some physical space from him for a bit?

Jux · 05/09/2013 23:29

Did you say to him that you just need some space for a few weeks so you can get your head around what has happened? If he can see it as a temporary thing, just a little breathing space for you - and, given the circumstances, why would he begrudge you that? - he may be more willing to go somewhere. And that may be enough for you to make a decision one way or the other - though stopping the lesson has to happen whatever else.

Can he really not see that if he were to stop the lesson, let some time go by, then it might even be possible for your family and hers to socialise together again my arse ? It's the fact that he seems to have never even thought of it that underlines to me how focussed he is on his friendship with her rather than the two families being on good terms.

What did CAB say?

ProphetOfDoom · 06/09/2013 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmirianResurgam · 06/09/2013 08:08

'It's different this time' What does that mean? Does it mean there was something going on before and there won't be now?

What a shit. Why does it matter so much to him that he teaches this child if there is nothing going on? I think you will need to get more serious with him - he isn't getting how serious this is.

MadAboutHotChoc · 06/09/2013 08:17

It sounds like he is playing games - a game of cat and mouse comes to mind with that cornered remark.

I would let him go and get some space to myself to think things through without any of this horrible mind/power games crap. You are in a no win situation and staying with this man as things are will drive you insane - put yourself and DC first for once.

Fairenuff · 06/09/2013 08:19

you're not second best, it's different this time

and

you've got me cornered

might as well be a complete admission of guilt.

No wonder you feel so low, he has just confirmed your worst fears.

However, this now puts you in a position of strength. Give him two choices

  1. Move out 'for a while' to give you space and you will consider working on the relationship with him. (This is what you tell him, in actual fact you are making no promises, just getting him out of the house).

  2. Refuse to move out 'for a while' and you will consider the relationship finished and file for divorce because he clearly does not respect you one ounce.

If he won't choose, then you will take that as option 2.

If he wants to stay with you, his only option is to move out 'for a while'. This is all you need to achieve right now. It will give you time to think, get advice and decide what you want to do.

If he does refuse to go, then you must follow through and see a solicitor. In most cases, if you are firm, the cheating partner does move out.

You have to remember that this is about you now, not him. It's about what you want and you set the timescale. He has run out of choices.

captainmummy · 06/09/2013 08:32

You're not second best? Then why is he treating you like second best? Why is he putting the OW and her DS in front of your feelings?

You've got me cornered - yeah, so he can't make a move (to see OW) without you knowing about it?

You are second best, faulk and maybe he does feel cornered - none of his statements suggest that he is 'working' on your relationship. Nothing he had said or done has suggested he is working on his relationship with you.

captainmummy · 06/09/2013 08:33

Fairenuff - they are not married, so she can't file for divorce. Dunno what happens in this case.... Sad

Thisisaeuphemism · 06/09/2013 09:22

He has said he won't leave.

What a tosser.

Faulk, I hope you are ok. Stay strong. I imagine you a losing respect for him every day.