Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

You;ve had this rictus grin plastered on for weeks. Your face must feel like alabaster. Sorry, love.

Please don't ask your friends to talk some sense into him. That would be very humiliating for you.

Talk to your friends and ask for their support for you

I wouldn't try and get him to see sense. You've tried that so many times and it has failed. Cut him loose and don't allow him to hurt you and your children so dreadfully anymore. Start living your own life and move on from this.

What he does in future is up to him and that will prove what kind of a man he really is.

Well done for spare room.

I still think you are clinging to the notion that he is persuadable.

He wants to please himself and the OW; he isn't interested in pleading you. He may even agree with any friend who talks to him- but I don't think he will change his actions.

I would stay in that spare room myself and do nothing at all for him and refuse any contact or conversation until he caves.

Although I still think it better to kick him out.

I did the spare room thing for 6 weeks- it's better than nothing but it doesn't solve the problem.

Why do you need mutual friends perspective? You know he is being a twunt, almost the entire MN population have agreed he is a twunt and now you are stalling by asking for friends perspective.
Your DP is probably laughing up his sleeve as he sees that you have a total inability to follow through with your threats..
Do you honestly hand on heart think he is going to listen to friends perspective if he is not going to listen to you and your "threats" to end the relationship.

I did do a < sharp intake of breath > there, RAR

Your friends won't be able to talk sense into him because in his head nobody understands him. Except maybe the potential OW. He won't be admitting to himself that he is jeopardising his marriage because he is still addicted to the thrill of the chase, the illicit thrill that he can't admit to himself. I doubt anyone would get sensible honest conversation out of him.

I think he believes he can keep both you and the other woman on the go. He is unlikely to make a choice as he can't admit it will ever come to that. You will have to make your own choice because you are not seeing things from the same perspective as him.

I would think the spare room will be a relief for him, not a terrible consequence. He has checked out of this relationship, but he still gets the family roof over his head and all the benefits he doesn't want to lose. The only loss is closeness and intimacy with you inthedusk and he's demonstrating over and over again that he's willing to risk losing that.

Likewise, don't demean yourself by getting friends to do your bidding. That will erode your self-esteem even more. As others have said, lean on them for support by all means and open the windows a bit to this heavy secret you've been carrying around for months. No friend worth her salt would suggest you wait this out any longer.

Can you express what is stopping you from taking the action everyone is suggesting?

Oh God no, don't get your friends to talk to him.

The last thing you need is more women fawning over him, giving him attention and trying to coax him back.

Wtf? You don't want that! You don't want a man who has to be gently persuaded to give up his OW and stay with you. Do you Faulk.

He begrudges you at the moment. He is putting up with your sulks and your hissy fits because it keeps a roof over his head. He doesn't have to wonder where he'll sleep tonight, or where his meals are coming from or how he's going to wash his clothes, or spend time with his children.

He's got everything. He's got you making damn sure that he's got everything.

The one thing he really needs right now is short, sharp dose of reality.

Go to CAB. Get some advice and then tell him to go. Tell him to go her if he wants because you are not second prize.

And then, when he says he wants to stay and that he will never see her again, still tell him to go.

Because now you are not sure if you actually want him. He should leave and give you time and space to think clearly. Let him stew.

Your friends will tell you he loves you, he is a good father, he works hard, it isn't physical ....been there, got the t-shirt. Please, get their support for you but if YOU can't make him see reason, why would he listen to them?

The spare room and CAB are a good start but I agree with others - he needs to go. Because all the time he gets home comforts, seeing the children and you, he won't be sweating too much. Book a solicitors appointment if you want to clarify your legal situation and look at what benefits you could claim as a single parent. Let him know you're doing it if you want, but don't make it an empty threat.

Give him an hour to cancel lessons in front of you or get him to pack his own bag and find somewhere to stay. One hour. Don't feel like you need to pretend in front of your dcs either - there is no shame in being hurt. This is not your fault.

He has his cake and is eating it too. Now he doesn't even have to pretend that he wants to sleep with you, cuddle you in the night, comfort you, no quiet intimte conversations when you go to bed, nothing. He can be at home wth little wifey and kids, still has all the home comforts, and is free to do as he pleases as and when.

He will only think about what he has done, and what he has actually lost - your trust - once he has to trek to the launderette, remember to buy milk, make his own meals and wash up, can't see the children except one evening a week and eow, doEsn't have you any more.......

It is time for him to go. Then he will start thinking.

I'm so sorry.

Putting him in the spare room is just playing your part in their script of thwarted love.

Now his marriage is in trouble because his unreasonable, jealous wife can't recognise his honourable intentions to deny his true love. (He CAN do it, remember?)

You've basically given him the green light to start a physical relationship with her. He might as well now that he is so misunderstood and unappreciated at home.

His wonderful loyalty he showed to you by being able to not shag her has been thrown back in his face. No there's no reason to hold back.

You are being out manoevred by a very skilful manipulator every step of the way, love

Until you start taking the advice you have been given repeatedly on this thread, the outcome for you looks very bleak indeed

I really want to slap him. My hand is itching to do it!!!!

Stupid, selfish, arrogant little twat.

What AF said.

I can't count the number of times I have posted or thought that

What Orm said.

Look, it's all too easy for anyone else to say 'leave him, kick him out' etc because it's not their lives. Also, they have ONLY known Mr Inthedusk for this one thing in his life, they haven't been there through the happy times and the sad times and the children and all that. It's clear cut to us because we can see this from a distance, too.

I don't think it has to be the end of your relationship, but what I do think is that it sounds like your partner is effectively ending the relationship himself to be honest. He's refusing to back down (over a music lesson?!) so that you either have to accept that he'll do as he likes, or YOU have to be the 'bad guy' and end things.

He is also, I'm sorry to say, with this action making it quite clear that he is not sorry for his actions and behaviour with the OW. If he was sorry he'd be doing everything in his power to make it up to you, NOT prioritising you second to an 11 year old and a music lesson. This is still about a) doing as he wishes and b) keeping HER happy.

So although I'm not berating you for not having left him already, I am saying to you that if he doesn't agree to stop these music lessons, he is effectively leaving you.

I'm really sorry it's turned out like this- I was on your earlier thread, and it looks as though nothing's really changed. He is still manipulating you, and he is doing it in a subtle enough way that you haven't noticed quite how far he is pushing the boundaries of reasonable spousal behaviour.

As all the wise posters above have said, he is presenting you with a series of challenges- and each time, there have been no consequences for him. Talking to him, laying down the law - doesn't even register. He's probably laughing his head off (or worse) in the spare room, as he and OW text and email each other through the night with no risk of you noticing. He won't drop contact with OW, because he wants to continue it and there is absolutely nothing in the way of loss or negative consequences to stop him doing what the hell he likes.

He is choosing her over you. In your shoes, I think I would use the time between now and next week's lesson (which, let's be honest, we all know he's going to go to) to find out exactly where you stand if your relationship ends- the house, finances, access, whether you can throw him out of the house. In fact I would book a visit to the solicitor for next Tuesday at 5pm and tell him he is minding the children.

Oh OP, he is being an utter asshat.

It is only one lesson, one student. For a music teacher it really shouldn't be much of a loss to move on from one student who could easily find a replacement.

Is he really telling you this boy means more to him than you?

No, he's saying the relationship with the boy's mother is.

It should be EASY for him to give this up, not hard.

He needs decisive action against him. He isn't bothered by your words :(

I'm so sorry.

Faulk, there are times when Mumsnet words are so harsh. But sadly they are saying the right thing. The signs are in the disrespect. Please believe me when I tell you that life on your own is better than the disrespect.

One extra point I would make is this: he has done what he has done. He won't back down.

As a result of that, regardless of the outcome, he has massively damaged the relationship.

Inthedusk, apart from CAB, am sure there is info out there on practical issues. Legal and financial stuff. A poster called olgaga used to post lots of good links.

Strongly suspect that your P would not leave the jointly owned home voluntarily. (Like your sister's ex-H who is still living with her). That makes it tricky, but you still have options.