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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on EA

865 replies

faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 04/09/2013 19:07

I agree that "your words mean nothing to him, you are white noise".

The only thing that will motivate him and your only chance of saving the relationship...is LOSS. He needs to feel loss.

Loss of his home comforts, cosy home and family set up.

As it is he is having his cake and eating it.

SpottyDottie · 04/09/2013 19:12

Please tell me If I am wrong but this is how I see it. You tell him you are upset, he ignores you anyway and then you just drop the subject. This is just going around and around in a circle. Something needs to give and that something is you OP. As AF said, you are white noise. he cares more about the OW and her DC rather than you and your own DC. Kick him out and let him see the reality of his actions.

Charbon · 04/09/2013 19:23

This is the sort of behaviour on his part I was alluding to in my post last night.

He is taunting you, because he believes you won't do anything about it.

He is is putting tests in your way that he knows you will fail.

Tessa was quite right about why he asked you to the pub last night. He knew it was impossible and he knew you wouldn't go.

He knew he could blatantly put that arrangement on the calendar and you might blow some hot air, but not ask him to leave.

He knew last night that if he left it to the last minute before telling you that he was going to see the OW, his clothes would still be in the wardrobe on his return.

These are all tests that when you fail, he can justify his disrespect for you.

I wish you would see that he is making a definite choice here. He puts this relationship above the one with you. He can't respect you for putting up with that and in his logic, any woman that would put up with it deserves all she gets.

Please see this.

Raggydoll · 04/09/2013 19:24

Hi - also in similar position and needing this advice !

ProphetOfDoom · 04/09/2013 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Raggydoll · 04/09/2013 19:27

Wrong threadHmm

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/09/2013 19:29

And the more he gets away with this behaviour, the less respect he will feel for you - after all he knows he does not need to fight to win you back and that you will stand by and allow him to develop this illicit relationship further.

LOSS is what will make him think twice.

onefewernow · 04/09/2013 19:35

And this " nice all day doing things for me".

He is humouring you and trying to get back in your good books so that it will be harder, in his view, for you to police that boundary and give him a consequence.

You really must follow through a d pack his bag. It will burst his bubble.

Then, after he has had tine to think, either he will drop her like a hot brick and know he can't treat you like shit or he will stay away for her. If he does the latter, he would have anyway sooner or later.

But I don't think he will.

Loopytiles · 04/09/2013 19:39

Self-indulgent brass-cocked bollocks! He thinks you'll just put up with it!

You can do this. Kick him out!

It may save your relationship-if you still want it and he sorts himself out after getting a (deserved) shock.

If he goes to OW, or goes round telling people that you ended it and lies about what's happened, then he isn't anywhere near as good a partner as you hoped and deserve.

His behaviour would be bad enough pre-DC, but you have DC. He has treated them badly too.

Xales · 04/09/2013 19:47

Unfortunately OP's H knows her very well.

You have only to look at what OP has written about her sister/family and work out these are women who have been conditioned into thinking they should stay put and work on their marriages.

They may huff and puff but ultimately they put up with it and carry on washing and cleaning.

As long as her H doesn't cross that last line into physical it is going to be very hard for OP to actually make a stand. Even then it will be hard. You can see that in her posts where she defends him Sad He knows this. He is banking on this.

Trouble is not that he thinks she will put up with it but that she is. Nothing has changed she is simply repeating what she was saying weeks/months ago to him and he is still doing exactly what he wants.

Jux · 04/09/2013 19:56

You are being eased in to his nice little world where you let him do anything and don't bother arguing any more.

He has inappropriate contact with the parent of a pupil (in a school he'd be sacked wouldn't he?), and hides it from you, lying by commission and omission.

He is caught out, and lies some more.

He minimises.

He promises not to teach said child any more. He promises no more contact.

More contact, where she can whine about how luffly he is and how much her child luffs him.

He books more lessons. Lies by omission by not telling you until he knows you will think it will be too late to cancel.

He books more lessons.

Exactly how have things moved on? How has his behaviour improved? He is showing you nothing but disrespect. He is giving someone else's child priority over you. Presumably he thinks that if he just presents you with a fait accompli, you'll just roll over and accept it.

Present him with a fait accompli of your own. Pack his bags and put them out.

Ezio · 04/09/2013 20:20

You need to shock him with actions not words.

You've gotta get him figuratively by the bollocks and lay it down and mean it.

"Until you can decide whats important, you need to leave"

RinseAndRepeat · 04/09/2013 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 04/09/2013 21:34

Just caught up with the thread and honestly, Faulk, I can't say I'm surprised.

He isn't going to stop seeing her.

Sorry.

What do you want to do about it? Sadly, there aren't many choices, it's pretty much i) put up with it, or ii) tell him to leave.

pomdereplay · 04/09/2013 21:40

Shit. I'm so sorry.

You've been incredibly brave to challenge him, and again, I do completely get just how bloody confusing and shattering it is to have the person you love the person you thought you knew and trusted so well behave so out of character. If he was a total bastard to you and your kids all the time, it'd be so much easier, wouldn't it? Sad

Thing is, he's being an utter shit to you now. He's letting you down and he's letting your children down too. I understand you still want to fight for this relationship. We as observers can only trust that it's worth fighting for. Sadly, I agree that you are going to have to truly force the issue now; he needs to see how deadly serious you are about cancelling the lessons, going 100% no contact, and completely re-investing in his relationship with you once again. It's a fucking scary step but I think you need to seriously consider packing his bags.

Thisisaeuphemism · 04/09/2013 21:50

I'm sorry. I agree with what everyone else has said.

He is treating you with contempt.

Are you going to let him do that?

UnexpectedStepmum · 04/09/2013 22:05

Hi dusk, in case it helps I have a man's perspective on this. I ran your thread past my DH in precis, he is a nice bloke and we don't always have the same take on things like this.

His immediate reaction was, he's bang out of order. He said you just don't get into a situation like this if you love your DP, you either don't get involved with anyone else or you leave your partner first. He said if he was ever stupid enough to get into the situation your DP is, he would expect to do whatever I needed to put it right, and no contact with the OW "goes without saying".

When I outlined your reactions he then said well, she's now responsible too, because she's letting him do this to her. He also said this is why X, our lovely, rich, eligible friend can't find a partner - women put up with this crap rather than become single and meet him!

dusk, it isn't right what you are taking from him, it's really not. Please put yourself and your DCs first.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 04/09/2013 22:11

he's in the spare room. I'm going to the CAB tomorrow.

RinseAndRepeat · 04/09/2013 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ezio · 04/09/2013 22:13

Unexpected Your DH is right on this view.

PS, im single Grin

RockOn · 04/09/2013 22:15

If you don't think you're worth more then what about your children? Are you happy for them to feel like second best? They've already told you that they know something is wrong and now they are living with the undeniable tension. They'll be feeling awful, they're not stupid they know their parents relationship is crumbling. How worthless do you think they feel that their father would rather spend time with another child than with his own? That he is willing to sacrifice his family for this child and that their mother is going to allow it?

If you won't stick up for you stick up for them, because if the two of you carry this pathetic charade on you will be causing them huge damage, and that'll be something you are equally responsible for.

If you're going to sweep it under the carpet yet again I suggest you start up some savings for the very expensive therapy they'll need to form healthy relationships.

RockOn · 04/09/2013 22:16

Cross posted, good for you. Don't let the fucker back unless he has begged and grovelled and proven himself over months. You are worth more so bloody demand it.

newforest · 04/09/2013 22:18

Oh no. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Are you ok? I hope he sees sense and you can work through this.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 22:18

What's happened ? How did he take being relegated to the spare room ?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 04/09/2013 22:21

unexpected thank your DH. I'm going to start talking to mutual friends to get their perspective.Maybe they can get him to see sense. Atm, hardly anyone knows about this. I am very very tired, and sick of this rictus grin I've been forced to adopt today with the DC's friends who came round to play.