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Original poster

Update on EA

865 replies

faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

OP posts:
intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 23:24

Am suddenly very tired. Good night all, and thanks for the support.

Xales · 03/09/2013 23:25

I used to get loads of emails and things from DS's drum teacher. They were all for DS. Videos of the instructor drumming the songs DS was learning so he could watch and learn, links to backing tracks for him to practice with etc.

There was never ever any personal conversation between the two of us even though I sat in on every lesson. That was fun bang bang bang repeat for 45 minutes!

You H was actually very unprofessional and crossed a line. If he makes a habit of it he may end up without much work.

tessa6 · 03/09/2013 23:46

inthedusk, have you not suspected he wasn't expecting you to pop out. He knows you wouldn't do that. He just wanted to cover his arse and say he invited you to come knowing you wouldn't so he could meet and chat with the OW.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/09/2013 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apileofballyhoo · 04/09/2013 00:07

Hope you get a good night's sleep faulk/dusk. What you are going through (being put through) is very very hard and taking its toll on you. So look after yourself through it. Rest, eat, take time for you. Put yourself and your DCs first. You are not being treated well, or treated with respect. Don't let yourself think that that is all you deserve. I know good people can make mistakes, but mistakes should not be at your expense. There is a lot wrong with your DP's attitude in that he doesn't seem to see what is did/is doing is wrong. If he really believes OW is his soul mate etc but they didn't meet when they were both single so they are sticking with their respective partners (who they love but it's not the same) he has a huge problem. Was the 6 week NC bearable for him because he planned to see her weekly after that? Allowing himself to be near her albeit in the guise of a music lesson given to her child? Is he that obsessed with her? The way he is acting is very strange. I don't think he is being at all honest with you about his feelings for her. I'm sorry.

Jux · 04/09/2013 00:35

He has not been honest with you, has he? He set up the lesson, but let you think he wasn't going to teach the boy any more. Then he told you, but only when he thhought it would be too late to cancel it, and you did indeed feel that, otherwise you would have insisted he cancel it, wouldn't you. That was a calculated move from him. Now he will say that he can't stop this term as it's all been arranged, and he's given the first lesson, so can't stop now. He can stop, btw. He can stop at any time.

I hope you get some rest tonight. And I hope you will roar again tomorrow.

anewdispensation · 04/09/2013 03:03

Delurking to say well done inthedusk! You do need the rest and I hope you get the strength to do what is right. Sending you positive thoughts

captainmummy · 04/09/2013 08:40

I just wondered what he did between lessons? If the boys lesson was 5 -530, and the next at 6-630, did he come home for half an hour?

So sorry you are going through this faulk

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 04/09/2013 08:49

captain - the next lesson was in a nearby town and it takes about 25 mins to get there.
He's up, but gone out to get bacon and he's taken his phone with him, but he is on foot.
i am gearing myself up for the next conversation. Timing will be tricky because it's the kids' last day of hol and we're supposed to be doing things together (!)

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 04/09/2013 08:52

apileof - I know he isn't being honest about her feelings and I have said as much to him ie - you have feelings for her and I think you just want an excuse to be near her.

onefewernow · 04/09/2013 09:02

Inthedark, what he will try to do now is carry on as normal, and hope you don't raise it again, and be more careful about what you find out.

That's what I allowed to happen, and more than once. I hope you don't do down that path of carrying in with normal life of him saying nothing is happening whilst you feel awful.

You would regret it. It made me ill.

Doha · 04/09/2013 09:09

Can you get a look at his phone when he comes back?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 09:28

Does he know that you saw that horrible e-mail where she said he was the dog's bollocks and insinuated all sorts horrible things about you?

He really has no loyalty to you at all, does he?

lazarusb · 04/09/2013 09:53

I would want him to phone (on speaker) and tell her he can't do any more lessons. They both know how he feels and what continuing these lessons mean. Glad you told him what you did yesterday.

Look on it as you would a child - don't threaten anything you aren't prepared to carry out. So if one more lesson means he has to go, make sure you follow it through. I know it's easy to say in my position but you really, really do deserve better and he is taking advantage of your easygoing nature.

Xales · 04/09/2013 09:59

He would be a fucking idiot to have anything on his phone when he got back. But...

Ezio · 04/09/2013 10:02

.....he is a fucking idiot, anyway.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/09/2013 10:37

Kick him out now and save yourself a lifetime of prolonged pain...

littlebunnyfriend · 04/09/2013 14:33

There is just absolutely no good reason why he should teach this kid, especially if it causes his DP pain or anxiety. Not one single reason.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 04/09/2013 17:57

Quite. Shit day. He was filling in the calendar with teaching commitments, and there was 'the' lesson. That started another 'heavy' at the end of which I said 'we're done then', and walked away. It carried on - me saying ' you had an inappropriate relationship with the mother of a pupil, and 6 weeks later you want to carry on seeing her'. I got the whole thing: there's nothing going on, I can do this ( as in teach and then walk away). I told him he'd stomped all over my feelings and showed me no respect etc etc. He's been 'nice' all day offering to do things for me. I said ' there's only one thing I want you to do'.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 18:03

"I can do this?"

What a complete egomaniac he is.

He actually STILL thinks this is all about him.

He thinks if he doesn't actually stick his dick in her he is doing the right thing.

He LOVES being Mr. Good Guy, Mr. Thwarted Desire, Mr. Tragic Love Story.

He is not going to let a pesky minor character like the mother of his children spoil this for him.

Self-indulgent little bollocks.

Tell him you are not interested in the story of your life being the reason a man can't be with the big love of his life.

He is free to go and be with her.

And in time you will find the big love of your life too.

littlebunnyfriend · 04/09/2013 18:10

It really shocks and disgusts me that he'd happily fill in a calendar and include this boy's lesson. He just doesn't care about your feelings on this at all, does he? It sounds like he's barely even listening to you.

It's not about whether he can physically get through half an hour in her company without being a cheat (AGAIN), it's not about HIM at all - it's about you, his dear, chosen partner, whom he has hurt and devastated with his bad and inappropriate behaviour.

Why, Inthedusk? I just don't see how he can possibly justify continuing with the lesson? If it's not about seeing her (haha, of course it is, but if he claims it's not) then what possible justification does he have for putting an 11 year old boy in front of the feelings of his partner, that he has treated so badly and owes the fucking world to right now?!

I'm so angry on your behalf.

Doha · 04/09/2013 18:13

And you are still not taking control of the situation. He sees this as all talk no action.
Tell him to go. Stop stalling or it will be next Tuesday before you know it.
The way it stands is he doesn't believe you

Make him phone the OW with you present cancelling the lesson. If he is not prepared to do that---well you know exactly where you stand. Second best to a music lesson

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:21

he put the next lesson on the calendar right in front of your face ?

he is daring you to throw him out

give him what he wants...what are you waiting for ?

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:24

Next Tues (or whenever it is) you will stand by while he walks out to go and spend time with her

and there will be another bogus "lesson" after it to prolong the contact, followed by him getting "annoyed" when you have a little strop so off he goes for a "swim"

Your words mean nothing to him, you are white noise

and so the cycle goes on

is this how you want to live your life ?

onefewernow · 04/09/2013 18:46

I'm afraid I agree with AF.