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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Update on EA

865 replies

faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

OP posts:
Umlauf · 03/09/2013 22:19

Well done OP, you did brilliantly! So has he agreed to stop teaching the boy? you deserve Wine

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 22:20

This is a good start (or at least a massive improvement on the weird passivity). Now keep the momentum going. The phone. When he shows his face after "swimming". Do not take no for an answer, or if that is all he is offering then yes you are throwing him out.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 22:21

no, he still hasn't agreed to stop seeing his Fancy Woman. This is not anything about teaching a boy... that any old music teacher could do

Xales · 03/09/2013 22:22

Sorry if I have got it wrong it doesn't look like he has agreed to stop teaching this child at all. He just told OP he loved her and buggered off out Sad

Ezio · 03/09/2013 22:24

I think Faulk, needs to give him a clear ultimatum, Xales and AF are right, he only wants to see her, this aint about the child at all.

Loopytiles · 03/09/2013 22:36

intheduskwiththelightbehindher, good for you for giving him some stick. Disagree that he didn't see the best of you: the best of you is someone who won't ignore or put up with ill treatment any more.

Suggested answer if he asks again "are you kicking me out?": "yes, if there's any more of this denial, ignoring my feelings, contact with OW or any other bullshit". Or (the MN recommended) "yes!"

Agree with the poster who says he has some brass. Going for a relaxing swim! Whatever you decide to do about the situation, please make sure YOU are the one getting breaks for nice things for YOU. By any chance is he someone who "needs" time to himself while you don't get this?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 22:38

He really has gone for a swim, was always intending to, that's how he keeps away the osteopath ( said this before). He will be thinking about this, and yes, I will push for an answer when he gets back. I also know it's not about the boy, and said so.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 22:39

where is his phone ?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 22:40

Xales no, he didn't take his phone.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/09/2013 22:40

De-lurking to say FINALLY! OP.

Let's have some more of that.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 22:41

x-post. I can see the phone from where I'm sitting. Might go and have a peek. Why change the habit???

Ezio · 03/09/2013 22:42

Until he learns, then dont.

Xales · 03/09/2013 22:44

Normally I would say looking at another phone is an invasion of privacy.

In your case I actively encourage you to look at his phone and check his phone bill. He has lost all right to privacy and trust through his own actions.

Unfortunately you will still feel like shit because you are reduced to doing it.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 22:46

He's just rung me from the pub asking me to go and have a drink with him. I said no.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/09/2013 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 22:48

Xales - it was through checking his phone bill I realised how far things had gone. I would not normally snoop. Have never needed to, and would never have occurred to me until....

RockOn · 03/09/2013 22:50

Well done! You're taking the power back.

Doha · 03/09/2013 22:53

How did he ring from the pub? Does it have a payphone?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 22:56

Doha - already checked - it was the pub's number

Doha · 03/09/2013 22:59

whewww had me worried for a minute..
Does he normally go to the pub after swimming and who would have looked after the DC's if they were in bed?

littlebunnyfriend · 03/09/2013 23:13

Just becoming super suspicious being on here I think, but I find it more odd that he went out without his phone. I'd always take my phone if I went out in the evening. Does he have another phone perhaps? He set up other e-mail accounts just for her so why not another phone?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 23:14

He's back but gone upstairs. No he doesn't normally go to the pub after swimming - maybe today he needed a drink. He barely touches alcohol. And he was expecting me to pop out and leave the DCs for 10 mins. I would never do that at night.

littlebunnyfriend · 03/09/2013 23:16

I think you should follow him upstairs and say:

"I need a firm commitment from you that you will not teach that child any more, not even one more time. If you can't prioritise me and our children over her and hers, then I can't see a way forward for us."

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 23:16

littlebunny he often goes out without his phone if he's swimming or running. The email wasn't set up for her - it was just one he doesn't use much.

Loopytiles · 03/09/2013 23:18

Hope you can get some sleep.

My musician friends are pretty tech savvy, with online messaging type things in addition to mobiles.

In your shoes i would snoop about and check bills as well as devices. But maybe not this eve!