Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

Oh faulks, so sorry he is still being dishonest.

It really doesn't matter whether it's emotional or physical. He has invested more than he should in this woman and caused you repeated hurt. Talking isn't ever going to make a difference if he doesn't feel he's crossed a line. He'll just keep on with this.

If he flat out told you he was in love with her would that be what it took to kick him out? He obviously feels enough for her that he can't walk away after 6 weeks no contact.

It matters not a jot whether it's turned into a sexual thing.

You've told him of your discomfort and he knows how your child spoke about his feelings towards this woman , yet he thinks he can carry on, his attitude beggars belief!!

You need to don your hard hat, make a decision in your head about what you want and tell him where the land lies. If he shoulder shrugs and rolls his eyes then tell him to sleep on her sofa and not come back.

You are worth more than this treatment, yoknow it.

Just read all of this.

Wow. He is pure brass isn't he?

I think your perspective on this is all wrong OP. I'm afraid you haven't shown him any lines. HE, on the other hand, has just drawn a MASSIVE line right in front of you. He is going to continue those lessons, and see the OW, whether you like it or not.

Not really many places to go after that. I have to agree with AF in that he is presenting you with a very stark choice: put up and shut up or do something about it. He thinks you don't have the guts for the latter, which history so far suggests might be true.

I sincerely hope you can realise that you are worth more than some man's second thought.

You asked him not to continue the lessons. She asked him to continue the lessons. He is choosing to keep HER happy, not you.

Please believe that you are worth more than this. You are worthy of respect, especially in the face of his previous bad behaviour.

How can you stay so cool when the emotional attachment he seems to have with her is so strong??

Just had the talk. had to wait for the kids to go to bed which was agonising.
I asked him why he had taught the boy tonight.
DP:I told you I was starting this week
me: that's not the reason
DP: he deserves to be taught
me: no he doesn't, he's just an 11 yr old boy
DP: Ow asked me to and I said I would
me: and I asked you not to and you have completely ignored my feelings.
DP; no I haven't
( this is when I lost it)
I can't remember absolutely all the words, but I had to remind him that he and OW had got too close, he had lied to me, been secretive, he obviously had feelings for her, put up a wall, that his friendship with her was a real threat to us etcetc - all the things I've said on here and that I've said to him before.
me; and now 6 weeks on you want to carry on going to her house and teaching her son?
DP: I can do it, I just go in for 30 mins and leave
me: but you are in her house, you still see her, what did you talk about, how can you go back to being Mr xxx and Mrs xxxx?
DP: I can do it, I can do it.
Me: well I can't. If you choose to continue teaching him, I can't put up with it, I deserve better, think about what you have got to lose.
DP: are you kicking me out
Me: no, but I don't know what is going to happen to us if you teach him again. I won't put up with it.

• that's the short version. He didn't see the best of me, but it felt good to let fly for a change - should have done it more often before.

He's gone for a swim now, having told me he loves me. I felt tearful for about 5 minutes, and am weirdly calm, probably because I'm processing my thoughts on here.

Wow Faulk you rock! Well done for standing up for yourself and your relationship. Hang on to that anger, and to the empowerment you have accessed. Rooting for you!

A relationship crisis where is wife is as close to kicking him out as she has ever been in her life and He's gone for a swim now, having told me he loves me. did he take his phone?

I'm so so glad that you finally stood up to him. His arrogance is breathtaking. And 'he deserves to be taught' - WTAF - why is an 11 year old boy more important than you now?!?

Now stay strong, please. xxxx

OH MY GOD. ( I am surprised).

You do rock.

YOU REALLY DO.

Thank fuck for that, some spirit at last

Now when he gets home from his "swim", take his phone and check his messages. You may get some more answers. If there are none in the phone at all, you have your answer too.

Xales I must admit it crossed my mind about the swimming immediately too. And that he may not be NC, he may just be better at hiding it.

You've done so, so well tonight Faulk. You've finally really told him that you deserve better - and you do.

The biggest change I have seen in one poster in 2.5 years.

So, so, so well done.

Enjoy that floating away stress.

AF has it.

OP, she advised me very well during my crisis, not that I listened for a while.

I'm sorry, but he's got away with it again.

You told him your boundaries before. He broke them and still there are no consequences.

Furthermore, you've told him that you won't be ending the relationship and 'don't know' what will happen if he sees this woman again.

He isn't seeing the best of you, you're right. Neither are you, though.

"I won't put up with it. I deserve better". Yes!!

I have to agree with Charbon, I just couldn't figure out how to say it, you have said exactly the same to him over and over.

You listened well enough, OFN (not once did you take it out on me when I was telling you some pretty horrid stuff).

Well done, that was brilliantly done.

I hope he's taking you more seriously now.

Faulk, keep that anger until he finally sees that hes very close to losing everything, and prepare to mean it.

You deserve a relationship, where trust, respect and honest are the key points, dont fight for anything less.

Inthedusk... I am a music teacher, and I can tell you that people change music teachers all the time, sometimes for no reason at all and on very very short notice. The child can take lessons from someone else. Obviously. Blows that excuse clear out of the water.

Also, AnyFucker is very wise and strong; do listen to her. I've been on here a long time (NC to not out myself in RL) and in addition Charbon gets it right today..... he really needs to see what he's losing.

What's with this that he's worried about the effect on HER son, but not the effect on your DCs???

Infact, Faulk, when hes back, demand an answer, and dont stop til you get one.