Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on EA

865 replies

faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

OP posts:
Xales · 03/09/2013 16:05

Pack his bag while he is out for the 6 - 6:30 lesson. Sorry I don't think anything else is going to work.

You can talk at him all you like he will just say yes, yes, sorry, look shocked and then do exactly what he wants with no care for your feelings at all.

I don't believe you have any other option apart from to put up and shut up and let them carry on until they reach the inevitable conclusion.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 03/09/2013 16:38

Take care inthedusk Sad

needasilverlining · 03/09/2013 16:44

inthedusk, sorry for asking this but is there definitely a 6pm lesson?

Either way, I wouldn't give him the chance. I'd meet him at the door when he deigns to roll in with a packed bag and his marching orders. He needs to get scared of losing you if he's going to put any real effort into making this right - IF you decide you want him.

I'm so sorry, this must be gutting.

Loopytiles · 03/09/2013 17:05

Whose house is it you live in inthedusk? Does it belong (or have rental agreement) to you, DP or joint?

Must have been very hard to say nothing knowing his plans today.

I wonder if he really has the earlier lesson or is actually going to OW ("just catching up")and saying there's an earlier lesson to get himself more time.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 17:23

Have just a long post but forgot to sign in and lost it. Short version - he told me where he was going just before he went out of the door. He knows I'm not happy about it, and will be expecting a talk. he said 'it's half an hour and then I'm going to x, alright?'
I said ' no, it's not alright, I need time to process this and we'll talk about it later'
I feel sick.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 17:24

loopy we own the house together.

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/09/2013 17:27

Pack his things in a bin bag and have it ready for him.

He is still taking the piss.

Re the Shirley Glass quote, a good man after being caught cheating would NOT have continued to disrespect his betrayed spouse/partner.

Ezio · 03/09/2013 17:32

He is never gonna change, anyone who wanted their marriage that much what do whatever it takes to save it.

How much more shit are you willing to take?

Loopytiles · 03/09/2013 17:33

If you can't currently bear to LTB, could wait until you have some time alone with him, no DC around, then read him the riot act!

I have friends who teach music privately, it's really not hard to get new pupils, or a big deal for DC when teachers move on, no good reason to do what he's doing other than denial of any problem and wanting to please OW.

Ezio · 03/09/2013 17:33

Also you really want this lesson to be one that your DD learns.

Doha · 03/09/2013 17:36

I agree have his bags packed. You must follow through with this. He has ignored everything that you have said. He thinks all is forgiven. He will come back defensive and it will be all about you being unreasonable.
You told him the dealbreaker for your relationship and he has ignored it, even as late as tonight as he was leaving-knowing you were not happy HE STILL WENT.
He is shitting all over you from a great height.

Xales · 03/09/2013 17:38

he said 'it's half an hour and then I'm going to x, alright?'

There you have exactly how much he cares about how much this upsets and hurts you Sad

newforest · 03/09/2013 17:45

There are no words.

I am livid on your behalf.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/09/2013 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SawofftheOW · 03/09/2013 17:58

I'm afraid I don't have your astonishing grace and self-control. I would have been round her house like a shot about 10 minutes after he was due to arrive there. I simply can't believe this man's arrogance and rhino-hide - either he doesn't give a shit, not one atom of feeling about you and his DC, or he simply is so emotionally detached that he is unable to comprehend the depth of your hurt and anger.

I suspect the ONLY thing now he will understand is the bin bag on the steps route. It's so so hard to do that I know but I think you are now at the no-choice stage. He needs the world's biggest arse-kick. What a disgustingly selfish, self-absorbed man.

So, so sorry.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 17:58

There is nothign more to say, is there

here is a signpost with 2 directions to go in

  1. accept you are in a marriage where you have no say whatsoever in where the boundaries lie and you are forced to sit and watch as your husband forms relationships with other women (this won't be the last)

  2. draw the line, end it and see if it makes any difference at all to the affair bubble your partner is currently in

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 17:59

sorry, partner,not husband

NightScentedStock · 03/09/2013 18:14

I am livid on your behalf too, and also like others have said think it's time to put a bag with his belongings by the front door.

Thinking of you

RockOn · 03/09/2013 18:15

He's not going to stop this without drastic action on your part. He doesn't give a shit about how you feel, her and her son are higher up his priority list than you and your children. Do you really want to live like that?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 18:21

Just to re-iterate. This has been an emotional affair, not a physical one (this is why he's so sure he's done nothing wrong). And I am absolutely sure he has had no contact for the last 5/6 weeks of the school holiday. Nevertheless ......

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 18:30

I didn't refer to it as a physical affair. Do you think it will stay as an "emotional" one though if you keep turning a blind eye to it ?

Charbon · 03/09/2013 18:34

I'm afraid you've got no proof that this affair isn't physical, but in any case it doesn't really matter in terms of the impact on him, on you and on your relationship. The act of having sex is fairly incidental to the desire to have it and the emotional attachments that have been formed here are very strong. Those forces combined have wreaked enough damage as it is.

I saw your threads in earlier summer and think I posted on one of them at least.

All along, your partner has manipulated what he knows about you.

That you're uncomfortable with snooping, are conflict-avoidant and have been trained within your family to turn a blind eye to situations that are threatening.

Your passivity throughout has shown him that you are too frightened to act and he is abusing that fear.

I hope your anger comes through and you will find the courage to deliver the only blow that will bring about change now: loss.

SawofftheOW · 03/09/2013 18:34

An EA is just as threatening and the step over the Rubicon to physical infidelity is just one touch away. An EA with this woman means she is inside your relationship with your DP, not outside where she properly should be - he is telling her things, sharing thoughts, dreams and aspirations with her that he should be sharing with you, and only you. I have NO DOUBT he will have been less than kind about you to her. I have NO DOUBT that she will have empathised with his 'pain' and 'disappointment' about his relationship with you, whether that is real or conjured up to justify his confiding in her.
Tell him to get out. He has to understand that this is totally unacceptable and you will no longer stand for it. His behaviour defies belief.

RockOn · 03/09/2013 18:37

You keep minimising it and saying he is a good person. He's not acting like a good person right now he's acting like a selfish twat.

Will you still turn a blind eye when he does start shagging her?

AllThatGlistens · 03/09/2013 18:47

Oh god Sad

I hope, I truly hope that you can open up to the realisation that an emotional affair is no better to a physical one.

He's completely disrespecting you, and is choosing another woman and her child's happiness over your own.

Please, please see this, don't minimise the disgusting way he is treating you. Sad