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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on EA

865 replies

faulkernegger · 26/06/2013 13:53

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

OP posts:
Doha · 02/09/2013 20:52

Schmalzing it's tomorrow night at 5pm :)

ProphetOfDoom · 02/09/2013 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlebunnyfriend · 02/09/2013 21:26

Oh no no no! He CANNOT be allowed to do this to you.

Please, please don't let this man completely and utterly disrespect you. he has behaved BADLY - he has talked to another woman about how perfect they are, how they are like 'twins' and how if he'd met them younger... etc etc. This is awful, sickening behaviour - and now he thinks he can see this person again to give their child a music lesson?

If this lesson goes ahead he may as well spit on your marriage. Please let him know that he is making a choice here. :(

Loopytiles · 02/09/2013 21:49

Sorry you don't have much support in RL. And sorry to hear that your sister is putting up with even worse. Hope you don't go down that road. Haven't heard of the "hero spouse" philosophy, but doesn't sound good!

Can understand it must be hard to think about all the big changes splitting up would entail. Maybe you could break it down a little, like getting info on where you'd live, finances? Research, which you may or may not need.

Beccaloolah · 02/09/2013 21:50

THIS totally happened to me. I warned him about getting too close to a girl in office. He told me off for interfering in his friendships saying he could control the situation. 10months later I was reading their sexts in the middle of the night while on holiday.

He said he would end it, it was nothing, stupid explanations for sexts - stuff about her sharing her internet dating experiences.

He didn't end it. I found out it was still going on three months later. Conversations in the middle of the night! 200 texts plus a day.

I'm really sorry to say to you but he is definitely up to something. You cannot step back and leave this man to finish it on his own. He'll just carry on doing his own thing. You need to stand your ground and tell him it is totally unacceptable.

I went to Relate on my own - the ex (i finally binned him four months ago - he was also visiting prostitutes) told me I was the one at fault, i was poisonous and needed help all the while he was texting this girl (who i also have to work with). It helped a bit but ultimately you have to go together.

He needs to accept responsibility for it getting out of hand and end it.

Good luck and stay strong.

Beccaloolah · 02/09/2013 21:51

Oh and agree with loopytiles - one step at a time about ending it. It's taken a while for me but in 11 days time I move out with my son and am free of the total sod.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 08:00

Thanks everyone.

Doha · 03/09/2013 08:07

Hope you're ok intheduskwiththelightbehindher !!!!

UnexpectedStepmum · 03/09/2013 09:19

Can't add much to the advice but just wanted to say I am thinking of you and willing you on!

onefewernow · 03/09/2013 09:20

The problem with that Hero spouse stuff is that it is all about putting him first and ignoring your own needs. Also, in time relationships follow patterns. If a behaviour is tolerated, it becomes part of the "norm".

I don't actually even think it is fair on them, the cheater, to ignore your own needs.

I think that boundaries and consequences are a better way to go- see the Cloud and Thompson book.

lazarusb · 03/09/2013 10:20

Agree with onefewernow Herospouse stuff is all about what a prize it is to just to have a man in your life, no matter how he behaves. It's about time females were encouraged to attach the huge value that they deserve as individuals to themselves and make it clear this kind of behaviour is unacceptable in exclusive relationships.

Good luck inthedusk.

littlebunnyfriend · 03/09/2013 10:29

Is he going to do the lesson today, inthedusk?

Wellwobbly · 03/09/2013 10:34

I don't actually even think it is fair on them, the cheater, to ignore your own needs.

Absolutely, well said. When you allow a situation, your lack of boundaries and assertion of self-worth are actually failing yourself, AND them.

I have learned that such the hard way, and am very sorry for it.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 13:02

Hi. Dp just popped out to the tip. He's been very busy today cleaning up the garage, still not mentioning the lesson. I'm waiting to see if he just goes out a bit earlier than he needs to for the next lesson, or if he 'happens' to mention it at the last minute. Either way, I shall be calling him on it.
I feel strangely detached from him atm. I am prepared to follow this through. Will let you know. Thanks all.
btw I do have a couple of people in RL to talk to, I just haven't yet. I don't really want people ringing and asking how I am or how 'things' are.

RockOn · 03/09/2013 13:11

Good luck and stand your ground. You don't deserve to be treated this way, you're worth more.

Xales · 03/09/2013 13:32

Really sorry you are going through this. It must be horrible and gut wrenching to sit there watching him do family domestic stuff knowing he has this sneaky disrespectful secret underneath it all.

Unfortunately your sister's be sweetness and your honest and open discussion approaches are really not working Sad It would be wonderful if he had taken it on board.

JollyGolightly · 03/09/2013 13:41

Inthedusk I've followed this from the start and it's good to hear some steel in your tone. You are completely in the right, he's completely in the wrong, and this has all been going on for too long. Hold your nerve!

pomdereplay · 03/09/2013 13:48

Delurking just to wish you luck. I know from personal experience how difficult it can be when you love someone and see them as fundamentally a decent person only for them to do something to completely challenge that perception. It is possible to forgive and move forward, and I think you have done an absolutely admirable job so far. You've given him every chance to do better and earn your trust back, but he really hasn't tried very hard. The days ahead aren't likely to be easy, no matter what you decide, but I hope you are able to stay strong. Remember you have done nothing to deserve this treatment; you have been a steadfast and loving partner, you've given him such a lot of room to change already. Only you can decide when enough is enough. All the best.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 14:12

pom - exactly. DP IS a good person, but he's got it really wrong here.
Shirley Glass actually says "good people in good marriages are having affairs". Doesn't excuse him tho'.

Doha · 03/09/2013 14:38

I think you have to follow through this time OP. I think he will Just leave early and say nothing. Will you. call him on it before no goes ? What will you say if he tells you beforehand ? Either way he has shown a blatant disregard for your feelings He does not think that you will finish this relationship But you know that you have to do To be homest the intemy to do the lesson would be the end for me

Doha · 03/09/2013 14:39

Sorry for the typo errors can't really see phone keypad

littlebunnyfriend · 03/09/2013 14:47

It makes my blood boil for you to think of him going about his business this morning with a sneaky secret that he knows will upset you. Out of the two (crap) options, I hope he chooses to tell you.

But more than anything I hope that you make it 100% clear that if he chooses teaching her child over the comfort of you, his partner, after the way he has behaved, he is making a very serious mistake. :(

I'm so sorry.

Umlauf · 03/09/2013 14:59

I think he doesn't understand how serious it is, he thinks you have gotten over it by now. In your situation I'd tell him that it really is the music lessons or the relationship, and if he walks out of the door he can't walk back in, but you need to follow through otherwise he will do it again and again and again.
Good luck OP, I too hope he chooses to tell you.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 03/09/2013 15:50

He sent me a text while he was out saying he was teaching 5-5.30 and then 6-6.30 . No names mentioned. He's back now.

littlebunnyfriend · 03/09/2013 15:58

OMFG. :(

So he's sneaked and seen her behind your back then. Was it really worth it for a music lesson? He has just prioritised her and her kid over you.

That would be the last straw for me, I'm afraid.