Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

DP hasn't said that the lessons will stop, but neither has he repeated that he wants them to continue.

Good grief, he won't even give you a crumb will he?

I'm not sure whether to push him now, or to wait and see what he does at the start of term. There is going to have to be some sort of communication with OW about the lessons - would I be reasonable to read the email/ text/ listen to conversation?

You don't get it faulk.

This man is cheating on you and you are not sure of your 'rights'?

He should be totally open and clear with you.

He should admit that he cheated and take 100% of the responsibility of it.

He should be going out of his way to show you that he wants to be with you.

He should be going out of his way to show you that you can trust him.

He hasn't done this because he does not want to. He wants to continue the lessons, continue to see her and continue with you in the background putting up with it.

Sorry, but his actions are not just talking, they are shouting loud and clear. This affair will continue.

How's it going Faulk?

Hi all. I was hoping to say that everything was great; we've had a lovely summer, DP has been lovely, doing all the usual things, although he hasn't arranged any date nights for us or time together .
This morning I'm up early to give my niece a lift to court (possible driving ban) and his phone was just there on the table, so I checked it.
Don't know whether he left it on purpose, but ta da! was a couple of messages from OW about her S music lesson. They've arranged it for Tues at 5pm. The time of the message was when he went out with his mate for a drink last night, (and now I'm wondering if that was an excuse to get out of the house) and I was in bed when he came back, so he hasn't had chance to tell me about the lesson. I'm going to wait and see if he does.
Am dreading the conversation.

Oh god, what a horrible find. Good on you for picking up on it tho.

Yep, I would wait to see if he mentions it- I should imagine he's not going to....

What do you think you'll do? He's never taken you seriously on this, has he?

I don't really know what I'll do. In my head I have imagined the conversation going all sorts of ways, including the 'pack your bags' scenario. I guess he will take me seriously if I say that.
He has obviously ignored what I said at the beginning of the holiday. Bugger.
Got to go, will be back on here later today.

So sorry inthedusk

What a tit he is!

What is your line?

How much deceit and shit are you willing to let this man throw at you?

You seem to have clearly spelt out how upset you are, got a pat on the head a meaningless platitudes then as soon as he thinks the dust is settled he is back sneaking and arranging while out of the house.

This man has zero respect for you or your family. You are right that you now have to step up and show you deserve better.

He has never agreed not to teach the boy. V disrespectful even if nothing else is going on.

This was a surprise to you ?

I don't understand. It is clear, and has been from the beginning, what was going to happen

You have buried your head in the sand. Are you going to continue doing that ? Sit at home on tues at 5pm, stfu as he tells you some lie about where he is going, and let it pass ?

He is a liar. He will continue to lie while you let him.

When it boils down to it it is simply put--The boys music lessons or your marriage. It has to be one or the other.
If he chooses to continue to contact the OW in the guise of music lessons you have no choice but to tell him to pack his bags, It seems too much a coincidence that the arrangements were made when he was out the house.
Even if he volunteers the information about the lessons tomorrow he clearly has no respect for you and your relationship given that he knew it would be a deal breaker to continue them

Your biggest clue that he is a cunt was not agreeing to terminating the lessons!

I think it's time that you stand your ground. As others have said, this was always going to be the outcome - he placates you on holiday but he considers it to be swept under the carpet and on he can merrily go. I wouldn't be waiting for him to tell me about the lesson. He has no respect for you, he doesn't care about how you feel or the pain he is continuing to cause. Neither does she but she isn't your problem.

Please don't let him take advantage of you - no more lessons/contact - it's pack his bags time imo.

Not another one taking the piss.

He clearly does not want to do the hard work required - why should he when you are letting him get his own way?

madabout - you've hit the nail on the head - he doesn't want to do any real hard work to restore/improve our relationship, and I haven't wanted to have too many 'talks'. We just have to if we are going to go forward. Before then, I have to show him the line AGAIN, PROPERLY.

How are you going to do that, love ?

You can do it OP - making him feel loss is your only chance of saving the marriage.

Oh Faulk. He is such a shit. He reminds me of my ex who continued to behave inappropriately with OW until he had crossed the line. That affair revolved around music too. They were in a band together. Late nights, intense emotions, alcohol. I asked.... told....demanded.....all pointless. He continued until I threw him out. He lied. Look everyone knows the story. We have all read the script. Apparently it was all my fault he had an affair. My fault. Who knew?
My advice is come down hard and tell him how critical his behavior is to your relationship. I wish I had done it sooner.

Im so sorry you're going through this OP. Please be strong and be clear with him that you won't accept the way he is behaving any more. You have been making all the running for the whole time, it takes two to save a marriage. Thinking of you.

I agree that only loss will be his motivator. He still doesn't see think he's done anything wrong and he can't even begin to see you, your pain or what he is putting you through.

Please show him how much better you deserve, stop being passive and make sure he knows what he stands to throw away. Be strong, we're all behind you.

If you kick him out (hope you do!) to give him a shock he may well still not get it say it's you being paranoid, unreasonable, you are causing this not him, and so on.

Think from earlier posts that your family may be of the brush it under carpet/"he won't stray if you become a Stepford Wife" ilk. do you have other support in RL?

The time of smiling sweetly and hoping the EA dies off on its own has gone, is your sister still advising this way of thinking, if so ignore her!

You have to find your anger at him; for his failure to respect you and your dc's and his utter arrogance that he assumed you would forget his treatment of you in time, yet carry on smugly with that woman.

ooh Loopy - you have no idea how close you are. My mum had a very close friendship with my godfather and my dad, by default, with my godmother. Growing up, it all seemed quite normal, and we never doubted we were loved by all of them. Looking back it seems terribly dysfunctional. My sister's marriage is on the rocks - her H is MLC and having an affair and living at home - she can't get rid of him, he refuses to leave until he's ready. She's a fan of The HeroSpouse school and standing for your marriage.
I've never had problems ending relationships before, but now I have my own home and children and this is the relationship I have, I thought, finally committed to.
We're not married, so 'D'P doesn't seem so committed atm.
Many strands there - had no time to speak to him yet.

PS. Not much support in RL - had a couple of sessions with Relate on my own, but the counsellor wanted to focus on repairing the relationship, rather than the EA.