Update on EA

[faulkernegger]

I posted some weeks ago about DP's suspicious friendship, and even though we have talked about it (I've said I feel uncomfortable, children have noticed etc) it's still going on.
He has been attentive and loving, and when I asked if we were ok he looked me in the eye and said 'yes'. However, a few evenings ago about 11pm he took his phone into the loo. When he came out I challenged him - why on earth do you need to take your phone into the loo at 11 o'clock at night? to which he replied - I had it in my pocket on the way upstairs. Well he didn't - it had been on the bedside table. So I said - you;re not telling me the truth and I want you to think about why you're not telling the truth.
A couple of days later he took me aside and said he'd made a decision to step back from this woman, because I clearly thought that 'something' was going on. I felt so relieved.
But, having a gnawing feeling still, I did some checking on his mobile phone bill online ( about the only thing he's forgotten to change his password for) and he seems to have called her more often and for longer, since that conversation!

What do I do now? confront again and ask exactly HOW this is stepping back? or, as my sister says, back off, be sweetness and light and give him more time to end it.
I have been for an initial assessment at Relate to see of there's anything I can do about 'me' that will help the relationship, but I feel there's no point if his mind is elsewhere.
Help!

Have avoided MN because of the LTB/kick him out-or-you're-a-pathetic-person vibes.
I'm doing it my way, thanks.
The holiday was lovely, no disappearing off to the loo etc, DP putting in a lot of effort.
Will up date you all as and when.

OP you remind me so much of my ExH; if he wanted advice he could have asked 100 people who would say do "x" but he would keep asking till 1 person would say do "y".
Which is what he wanted to do in the first place so why ask......??

Glad you had a nice holiday, and I am pleased to hear your update.

People just want to help op they get cross when to them the answer is staring you in the face but you choose to ignore it. A lot of women on here have gone through the same as you and just want to help you avoid being so hurt.

It's your life of course and its up to you what you do and how you handle it.
I hope things do work out the way you want them to but don't be prickly because the answer wasn't what you wanted to hear, it makes you sound incredibly ungrateful for all the time peeps have spent reading your post and trying to help you.

red don't get me wrong- I am most grateful for all the help and advice. I haven't ignored it - I just don't think it's for me.
Anyway, the latest is that DH an I had another 'big' talk, mainly because DH is behaving as if nothing has happened. In fact,he said 'I thought we were back to normal'!!!
I asked about what contact he'd had with OW. There has been none, and he has now told me his passwords - a bit reluctant, but couldn't argue with 'what are you hiding then?'
Re future music lessons - he started to tell me that he was intending to continue lessons, and when I said that it seemed like an excuse to see OW he was very uncomfortable. I also said that I would feel unsafe if he did that, and that the child was not his responsibility, and that his need to teach the child seemed to be more important than his need to save our relationship. That hit home. He still tried to minimise the 'friendship' so I said - 'you got too close emotionally to another woman, you were secretive about it and you lied, that is not a normal friendship and you were heading for an affair.' Again that hit home.
I feel a lot better because I stood my ground and didn't get hoovered in.

Well done faulk. Just keep chipping away at it like that and hopefully you will make some progress.

Did he agree to stop the music lessons?

Good, glad to hear that you're sounding more assertive.

So he agreed not to commit to any more lessons?

You are doing well op.

He does sound incredibly insensitive still. I think one day you might look at him and think - you twat-

He thought it was fine to change his passwords, and now he thinks it's fine to go back to lessons. He really needs guiding through this like a giant baby.

Keep strong, it sounds like you feel much more in control which is great.

Thanks all.

Yes, great to hear things are proceeding more on your terms now, re passwords and music lessons. Good on you Faulk.

Glad you were firm and took no shit.

Unfortunately he is still minimising and still trying to have some form of 'innocent' contact.

Is he thick or deliberately trying it on?

Good for you OP. Stay firm, you deserve it. He should be going totally no contact with her and that way he can begin to rebuild your trust. It does sound like he has a long way to go but I wish you all the best for your future.

Have the music lessons been vetoed or not ?

Glad to hear your update. Am going through something similar and agree with you it's not always easy to do what everyone tells you, even if you do know that it comes from a good/wise lpace. :(

I hope that your husband has agreed not to teach the child (don't think he could do otherwise based on what you said) and that hes not lying about the no contact.

Hi all -it's been a while. Nothing much to report, except that I am pretty certain that there's been no contact ( I can't be totally certain, yet). DP hasn't said that the lessons will stop, but neither has he repeated that he wants them to continue. I'm not sure whether to push him now, or to wait and see what he does at the start of term. There is going to have to be some sort of communication with OW about the lessons - would I be reasonable to read the email/ text/ listen to conversation?
We are both making an effort with our relationship - more attentive/ listening etc and I am starting to feel safer. Off to in-laws for a few days soon.

Absolutely, it's okay to say that you want to be involved in any conversation between the two of them.

So I take it that the lessons have currently stopped because it's holidays only?

Has he actually acknowledged that he has been seriously out of order and is he actively trying to reolve the damage done to your relationship?

Or has it all been swept under the carpet?

tortoise - I think he would have continued with the lessons throughout the holiday if he'd had the chance, and encouraged us all to 'get together'. Bleurgh.
Artemis - not in so many words, but his behaviour has changed quite a lot (in my/our favour)
Scmaltzing - I'm alert to the fact that he may be lying low. September will be a testing time because we go back to work/school and there'll be lots of time when we are not together.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher

Good to hear you feel more at ease.

Just to ask, do you find you're deliberately making sure that you are doing menial jobs together; such as doing recycling, having a walk to the shop for the paper?

Not trying to poke you, just asking?

But if you think he would have encouraged you to get together with his affairee after you knew, then what does that tell you?