Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

THE WIFE has to bear a portion of blame for not keeping her husband happy.

So by that token, a mistress has to bear a portion of the blame for not keeping a man happy enough to choose her and only her?

Tsk, I think you should hang your head in shame for the crime of not keeping a man happy

And because we are in the 21st century also threaten him with social media: FB, Twitter, Youtube, Flickr, etc etc.

But you have to mean it and stop whining on about how you want to end it but it's difficult blah blah.

Make HIM end it.

"THE WIFE has to bear a portion of blame for not keeping her husband happy."

Guess you couldn't keep your husband happy which is why he had the affair. And then you were in a "relationship" for 10 years.

Gosh, what would you ever do in a real relationship, I wonder?

"It's an entirely different story when you are the one experiencing it!"

Well, something to look forward to for your daughters I suppose.

You were recently single/divorced/whatever when you 'met'.

He saw you as easy meat. You were targeted. You were tested to see if you'd keep his secret and you passed.

You now sit here and judge his wife,m when you have no right or need to do so.

You set an appalling example to at least 4 innocent children. And you sit here now, spouting star crossed B'S in a vain attempt to justify your betrayal of a family, your decimation of children's moral teaching, and even now, you come here to defend and brag to a site that day in, day out supports the victims of sordid little affairs/lies/betrayal/treachery such as you describe here

You are not here to do the right thing. You're here to make yourself feel better, again at the expense of others.

We've told you what you have to do, time and time again, but the end of the drama is unbearable to you, if not a mistress, who would you be? Where would your unjustified superiority come from? Who would you throw rocks at to make yourself look/feel better? Who?

How sad that the need for a buzz keeps you here, and there, and you don't appear to give a shiny shit about who you hurt in thé process.

Your children will grow up, and they will know what you did.

I pity them, they are going to need so much support. I only hope you don't succeed in blighting their futures as you have blighted their childhood.

Sorry, but the man is married. He's the biggest fuck-bag of all here.

If the op wants rid, then she must meaningfully threaten him with everything legally possible.

It's a bit vulgar to bang out insults and brickbats to the OP when the married bloke should really have un-dipped his wick years ago.

You think you are a "decent person"?

Here's a clue: a decent person would never, NEVER make their children complicit in an affair with the father of other children they knew.

All your unpleasant bitterness towards his wife and your demented competition with her, your callousness towards his children, all of that lack of basic decency absolutely pales in comparison to the utterly degrading, moral repulsive shit you put your own children through.

That was their family throughout their teens? Their spiteful mother and her married lover popping by to "comfort" her and being a father figure to them, while they knew the children he is the actual father of?

How could you do that to them?

No decent person could ever behave like that.

My Father had a ten year affair, someone in my parent's social circle eventually got too sick of watching my Mother being duped and blew the whole thing wide open.

It has coloured my perception of every single family memory throughout my teens, my siblings were much younger and for them I think it's worse. I love my Father very much but I do not trust him, I find it hard to trust anyone really.

The values that shaped my family life are tainted and all of my memories are filtered through a horrid realisation that my Dad was living a lie. It has fucked up every member of my family in a different way. The fall out was epic and continues.

The OW seemed to think we would understand and she would be a part of our lives. She was deeply mistaken.

You can't undo what's happened but you can try to protect your children and his from the consequences of your actions by ending it now, for good. Please try harder to protect your kids from this part of your life.

You can't blame the wife.

You two are the wrongdoers not her.

If he was THaT unhappy with her - he should have left BEFORE he had an affair.
You haven got a relationship you are a dirty little secret !
Sorry I don't want to get at u and I always think the married person is to name in an affair.
Also she (the wife) is not responsible for his happiness he is.

He doesn't love you anywhere near the amount he loves his wife.

If his life is so awful why didn't he leave sooner?

You're not Romeo and Juliet, you're not a romantic love story, you're dirty.

Your poor children. Lets hope you've not damaged them too much, eh? They're not your priority are they?

OP
Make an appointment with relate for this week. You have to admit that this whole charade has been a mistake.
You will need support for what is the equivalent of a divorce. You will have to prepared to accept that your
life is not going to be what it was and expect to face some terrifying realities.
You need to help your children as well and they will also need support.
Family counselling will be important for all of you. FGS get help for all of you. I doubt you will have the strength to face this without support.
Lift the phone today.

Seriously folks, this is a waste of effort. On the first page of this thread, Branleuse (second post I think) said she wouldn't leave, and a few posters seconded that. She's in denial, she's liking the thrill, at a guess, of talking about it in this anonymous way.

OP, write it all down in a journal. You've had numerous suggestions and lots of advice, most of which you've chosen to dodge or ignore outright. You are so deep in denial it's almost laughable. Except it's not that funny really.

Very disappointed to read your latest few posts. You are very entrenched.

I don't think there is much more to be said really.

I'm not sure why you are railing against us though.

If you want to get rid of him, stop having sex with him. He'll hang around for a while but 'events will conspire' that 'he thinks he should commit to his family'.

You think he's your friend and that he loves you. He wants you, and has always wanted you, for the sex, the thrill and the cake.

You talk about affairs as if they just happen - 'he was as surprised as me when we started the affair'. Affairs happen because people step over that line. It's a very broad line and it's not possible to just slip over it accidentally. There is very specific intent involved.

Your intent seems to be that you 'wanted to have some fun'. Perhaps you had had a gruelling time and felt that it was time to let your hair down and have some uncomplicated fun, that life owed you some fun, a good time. Which is understandable, I can relate to that. But you picked and chose someone who belonged to others, not you. It wasn't uncomplicated because he was someone else's husband and father. You also dragged your kids into it. That is just so sordid and SO irresponsible OP. I feel such anger that you dragged your kids into it.

I don't know if you are going to face the truth of this. You want to keep it as a 10-year recreation, need, true relationship. It wasn't and never was true. You are determined to believe his script that his awful wife is so neglectful etc that she deserved it. Your kids are going to get older and see with clarity what you have done - and will very probably despise you for it. You have also introduced adultery into the family line which, like a weed, has a tendency to replicate. It's going to be a lot easier for you to deny the truth of all of this - as you have denied the truth for over 10 years - because the pain of realisation will be very tough indeed.

A couple of corrections.

No you are not a decent person: I can understand people have affairs, people make mistakes etc, but you continue to 'blame' the wife. You refuse to take full responsibility for your actions.

You say you don't want to pass personal remarks about the wife, but you continue to do so. You allude to her using her husband as cook and chaffeur for the kids. Wake up! They are his kids too, he is responsible for them too, their family dynamic (as to who ears what, who does the pick ups and drops offs), is there business not yours. You are nopt part of their family dynamic. He may be part of yours but you are not part of theirs. Who are you to judge them, regardless of your affair, you really do not know what goes on behind their closed doors.

You are not decent, you are deceitful. You wear a cloak in your everyday life, you behave differently in public than you do behind your closed doors.

You really are not decent.

Everyone makes mistakes, and the ones that admit to them and take full responsibility for them and try to make ammends and learn by them are decent.

You are not decent.

Wake up to yourself.

There is no point to the question - How do I put a stop to this? You put a stop to it, by taking responsibility for your own actions. By being an adult and not being self absorbed and by thinking of the wider context of your actions.

No, she's real

I knew someone who I had alot of respect for and considered a friend. She told me her story once, that her husband had cheated on her and how she had left him as she was heartbroken and felt betrayed by him. She then went on herself to have affairs with married/un available men. She said that 'well it happened to me so why shouldn't I do the same!' In a very matter of fact way.

I couldn't understand why she would choose to inflict that sort for betrayal on another woman? OP is the same, she had a messy divorce and somehow thought it was okay to potentially cause the same for another woman. She knows the mans children, talks about her children, how she single handedly raised them as if it's something that only she has done.

I lost alot of respect for my 'friend' that day and slowly found myself distancing myself from her. I couldn't trust her at all. I think maybe OP's friends as 'happy' for her as she hasn't got her claws into one of their partners/husbands.

I think the responsibility for the marriage is up to the cheating bastard.

But the OW, OP in this case, is also complicit in the lies and the deceit. Now it seems her children have grown and she wants to explore other avenues as she has finally realised that his man isn't oing to leave his wife. So she wants to end it as she's had her fill of him. She has used him as much as he has used her.

Maybe she is trying to force his hand, by trying o end it so he does end up leaving! Or maybe she is now ready to move not her next MM.

I was cheated on and yes I am bitter about that. It has affected my ability to trust others, to just men. My ex didn't tell the OW that he was still married. I don't have any problems with the fact that our relationship came to an end. What I can NEVER forgive is that my ex thought it was okay to start something new with someone, on a try before you buy basis, before he decided o end it with me. He was emotionally abusive and I saw him manipulate the lies to make himself look better. Since being on MN, I can see there is a script that cheaters follow. OP is as much a cheater as the cheating husband.

OP, you and other OW and OM, need t get over yourselves and GROW UP.

Can we have your MM on for a webchat? I mean cheating arsehole aside, he sounds remarkable. I'd like to ask him for some advice on how to fit more into my day. Because some days I struggle to run the hoover over the ground floor on top of keeping us all basically fed and clean. I'd like to know how to run two relationships, have a high flying, well-paid career, be the main carer to several dc (my own and to some extent those of the person I'm shagging on the side), be emotionally present and supportive in a couple of families at a time and be a carer for an elderly relative. He sounds very busy indeed. Sure he can fit a webchat in though on top of his other extensive engagements.

There was a criminal in Dublin, I think his nickname was 'The Penguin', who had families with two sisters, he managed to run two households. I suppose the duplicity helped in both his private and criminal life.

Then of course there are polygamists.

The husband in this scenario doesn't seem to be the main breadwinner in either household that he is dipping his wick in. Didn't the OP say she was paying towards his rent when he left the wife....what a keeper.....

Don't forget the second job he has too, running a small business SOH

Yet his wife gets pulled to shreds by the OP for working long hours

Mumat39 I've always thought women who've been cheated on who go on to have affairs with married men themselves aren't doing it for any reason other than to get back at women and reclaim some power over them. It's as if they've got something to prove that they too are capable of enticing a man away from his wife. Some achievement that is

This thread shows that's the case here. The OP has said more about the man's wife and her alleged failings than she's said about the man himself. It's like she's obsessed with her.

Agree.

It's hard to know if she 'loves' the man, or 'loves' getting one over on the high achieving wife.

Leavenheath, I think you're right. That's the impression I got from my 'friend'

Maybe that's why women are still thought of as the weaker sex, because some of our 'sisters' would quite happily shit on us from a great height just to make themselves feel better. Why do we blame 'men' for keeping us down, when there are women out there who are quite happy to do the dirty.

It's sad that in this case, OP can't even say she didn't know he was married. She colluded from day 1 to ruin another woman's life and then has the gaul to criticise her, when OP has done nothing but try o destroy that womans life. no wonder the cheating sod doesnt want to leave his wife, she that has the strength of character to make sure she is financially secure and has a career and provides for 'her' family including 'her' husband.

Any man who holds down a full time job, and still has time to see OW 2 - 3 times a week, is not a good husband or a father. He and OP believe their lies, and will carry on justifying their shitty attitude to anther human being. I thought it was our ability to 'feel' emotions that separated us from animals. Clearly cheaters whether they be the cheating husband or wife, or the OW or OM, who knowingly do this, just haven't evolved that much. They are still driven by their ' animal instincts'.

Oh yes he's a sports coach too, in touch with his OW every day (24/7 I think she said). Sounds exhausting.

Op, if he comes to your home you should refuse to open the door and call the police if he refuses to leave. I suspect you'd only need to threaten him with the police once before he'd scuttle back under the rock he crawled out from.

Get some counselling for yourself because your self esteem is very low to accept so little in a relationship. This has to start being about what you want rather than allowing him to 'win' you back unless you really enjoy being used by this skank.

It's actually quite an interesting excercise is denial and self justification.

I think the op actually believe what she is writing - can't see all the spitting venom she s throwing at the wife with an air of disinterest. And tries to sound realistic while trotting out lines that she has believed which are the oldest in the book.
It shows how hard we work to convince ourselves that we are blameless and in control.