Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

[SandyY2K]

@FoolishWoman

Sorry for replying to an old post. I am the wife of a man who has been having an affair with another woman for 10 years

A 10 year affair is a double life.

It makes a mockery of the marriage and personally I think remaining after that level of deceit is a sign of a lack of self esteem/confidence and would make your cheating spouse believe you're a doormat...ultimately making them lose any respect left that they had for you.

At the very least make them believe you're prepared to walk.

[oreoxoreo]

I feel really sorry for his unsuspecting wife, but you asked for advice.
I would write a letter to him and to his wife.
I probably wouldn't be specific about 10 years, but would give some details to make sure she believes you, and would apologize profusely for your wrong actions.
Let the can of worms open...
Your lover would hate you for that, but he should leave you alone, his wife would get the truth and you would be freed. And you couldn't undo it and go back even if you wanted it.

[FoolishWoman]

Thank you for your response.

[YetAnotherUser]

Never ceases to amaze me the number of women who will have a relationship with a man who lives with his wife, but not one who lives with his mother...

[hellsbellsmelons]

FoolishWoman
This thread is from 2013.
Please start your own to get some support.
In the mean-time google:
Hysterical bonding
The Script
Narcissistic personality disorder
Co-dependence
The Pick-Me dance

[FoolishWoman]

Sorry for replying to an old post. I am the wife of a man who has been having an affair with another woman for 10 years. I am so hurt, and disgusted by both of them. Why would any woman think it's ok to have an affair with a married man? Or vice versa? Do they ever think how the unaware spouse will feel? I am convinced that these people who do this are narcissists. They just seem to think about themselves and have no impulse control. My DH says he has never loved this woman, and he wants me to stay. For the last 4 years DH has not been very nice to me, short, sarcastic, and really finding fault with me. Our marriage has not been perfect (obviously), but we were supposed to be working on it. We even went to marriage counselling last year... now I now why that didn't work.. he had a full time counsellor on tap, except she was obviously an echo chamber. I feel such a fool for being so stupid, and yet, still cannot decide whether to leave or not. I am so heartbroken and sad.

[VBisme]

Okay, let's call her a drama lama then.

[scottishmummy]

Mumat asked for mnhq delete her posts
I think speculating on mental health,spouting terms in ta-dah thats why you is like that way
It's lazy o'er how can I try intellectualise and big up some online blah...aha guess the diagnosis

[springytats]

[mumat39]

The spaghetti western scene is good.

I feel like I just moseyed into town and everyone including the horses stopped and stared having realised that it's my face on the wanted poster. Wanted for being a thread killer!

[springytats]

oh blast it, put that post back in! Is it copied somewhere?

Please don't listen to scottishmummy barking like a ferocious dog at you. She does that all the time on MN, it's her style. Take na notice!

You're not causing 'all this trouble', don't be daft. The thread was doing nicely imuo until the friday night crowd butted in.

[mumat39]

Gehj,

Springy, that's just it, I was just learning and understanding things a bit more so posted what i thought was genuinely interesting but that meant the thread went of from its ambling course.

I am SO by Scottishmummys response as I really wasn't trying o suggest OP had any mental health issues.

Sorry for causing all this trouble.

[springytats]

I thought that was a great post, Mumat39! I'm disappointed you got it deleted.

im(u)o I think the thread was just ambling along, changing direction, looking at different ideas. Nothing wrong with that, a lot right with it as far as I'm concerned.

Then the big guys came ambling into town, chewing baccy, slung a few shots and told every one they were damn stupid.

And y'all listened to them?? Don't listen, people! Just some big shot opinions, tis all.

[wheredidiputit]

Can I ask why now.

What happened to trigger you to look at your life.

[Gehj]

And on that note, I too am bowing out.

[Gehj]

Don't worry mumat39, I'm not ready to slit my wrists yet

A rather distasteful joke on my part!

Would someone like to analyse that?

[mumat39]

Thankyou MNHQ.

OP, I really do wish you well and didn't mean to offend with my post.

Good Luck!

[Hissy]

Ah! Can we please stop the intelectualising of what clearly had NO thought input whatsoever, barring who could get off first?

All this 'soul' searching is no going to give this bint some kind of justification for fucking someone else's husband, hauling her own kids into the midst and ranting on hear about how it was all the DW's fault for not treating her man right.

If OP has copped herself on, then all well and good, but stroking her overblown ego, pandering to her is not going to help her. Or those poor kids.

There is a DW in thé story here who has been cheated on for over 10 years.

Ok so he is the philandering slimeball but he can't betray his family alone now can he? And what better than with one that KNOWS full well what it feels like.

Takes a special kinda person to do that...

Stop feeding this creature. She is addicted to the drama, and all this thread is doing is replacing the hard-on she got with Mr ShagCoach

[scottishmummy]

Oh gie it a rest go back to your Frasier box set.
Psychobabble is wanky

[confusedmuch]

maybe op needs to realise that behaviour suggestive of a total lack of empathy for one's fellow human sends up flags in the rest of the populace that a sociopath/narcissist/personality disorder/shark is in their midst?

on ma 3rd glass and bowing out of this one vipers!

[mumat39]

[scottishmummy]

By all means debate the ow,married man thang.thats the point
But speculating on her mental health,and using google as oracle is distasteful
I think it's unpleasant,and frankly you might as well diagnose gingivitis as narcissism.in both cases you'd be guessing

[confusedmuch]

ach it is open to debate scottishmummy but let's face it any person who shits on other people aint doing good and as for shitting on your own doorstep well that's just plain stupid imo.

[mumat39]

I have reported my post and asked for it to be removed.

[mumat39]

Oh gosh, I wasn't trying to do that. Like I said I didn't know what it meant, so I googled it and thoughti'd post something that I thought was interesting.

I'll ask MN to remove my post if that's how it's come across.