Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

He is NOT 'Your man'

he never has been. That you can write such a thing is baffling frankly... do you actually think he is 'my man' ?

bizarre

I have tried to leave but have been unable to

This is bullshit. What you really mean is

I have tried to leave but in the end I didn't want to because it was too hard/too sad/too lonely/too whatever

If you really want to end this then end it. Tell him it is over. Cut all contact. Refuse to meet him or talk to him to discuss it all further. Threaten to expose the affair if he will not leave you alone.

You need to be determined, consistent and completely committed to ending it. It won't be easy but you can do it if you want to.

If you aren't willing to fully commit to ending it then don't bother kidding yourself that you are going to do it.

But most of all don't pretend that you aren't able to end it when you mean you don't want to end it.

he;s obviouly happy to be a shared man, lemon, hardly a loyal husband and 'his wife's' is he?
OP I really don't understand why you still defend yourself against the agression - what's the point? you got some good advice, why not just leave it, some people are irrational and not listening to a word you are saying. Agree completely that the fault lies on ALL sides, including the wife to be putting up with affair - or not caring. She must know as she's not stupid, and is happy to live nearly next door to the OW?
Let's have some fairness, some wives do want a husband to look after the kids and not as a lover - is there not enough threads on MN even written by wives who don't fancy/love her H anymore but don't want to split for the kids? And her career in this case. Maybe she's just as calculating as the OP, maybe she's a saint but we don't KNOW this so stop throwing stones at the OP willy nilly.
Yes, some married men may want a bit of sex and a thrill if it's there on offer, but a cheap thrill would never last 10 yrs by definition. In these caess marriage is lacking in something, but yes on te other hand wife is valued by him as a mother of his kids and maybe for other reasons, so he doesn't want to choose between the two. OP must be extremely famiiliar to him now, and indeed he's more like a polygamist than a little cheat.

Let's have some fairness, some wives do want a husband to look after the kids and not as a lover .

It's his duty to look after the kids, they are his kids....who is looking after them when he is with the OP???

All marriages have ups and downs, people either work on them or bring them to an end. Blaming the wife because the marriage must have some inherent fault is wrong. He could have left and been a great Dad and been honest but he decided not to, his fault, not the wife's fault.

Oh FFS the fault doesn't 'lie on ALL sides'. How the hell do you know the wife is knowingly putting up with her husband's affair? As for 'wives only wanting a husband as a childminder not as a lover' words fail me.

There's nothing in this thread to prove that the cuckolded wife isn't still having sex with her husband and that's just about the only trite cliché the OP hasn't come out with so far.

And how the hell do you come up with this stuff about the man here being used as a childminder when he's got two jobs, a business, a coaching hobby and visits to the OP 2-3 times a week? If anyone's using a spouse as a childminder, it's him surely? All we know about the wife's absence from home when she's not looking after her kids is that she's at work.

No-one would accuse a working man of 'using his wife as a childminder'. For christ's sake these are the couple's own children. It's not 'childminding' - it's being a parent.

What a load of piffle allaflutter if the wife were accepting of a marriage of convenience then why the need for secrecy? He allegedly told her once about the OP but he moved back in 'for the kids sake'. If he managed to brave the truth once cough, splutter then he could have done it again. "Look love, there's nothing really between us, is there? Lets co-parent under the same roof until the kids are grown but each of us are free to date or whatever?" Because the OP is adamant that the wife couldn't care less about having him as her husband in the fullest sense of the word, so what would be her objection? I mean surely she would like the freedom to have a bit of fun, what with living in a sexless marriage and all.

Unless of course, everything the MM has told the OP about his marriage is a crock imagine that, a liar lying.Whatever next and he has no interest in being free from his wife and in no uncertain terms wants her to have the freedoms he surreptitiously affords himself. No. His wife either has no clue or she suspects but has no proof. People have hidden bigger secrets than an affair and for longer periods of time - it's doable.

I didn't use the word 'childminder'. It was OP who said that he is a main carer for dc as he stays at home a lot due to shifts - I never said anything is wrong with that, as far as it's not the only reason why the career wife is staying with him, but also sees him as a lover and partner. Yes, we don't know (apart from what OP says) that the wife doesn't have sex or doesn't love him, but it's fair to point out that it can well be the case, and quite a lot of wives on MN come up with this - have a look at the new htread someone started about staying for financial reasons and the kids - it's VERY common in longer marriages. In these cases fault is on all sides - but if it suits them all, it's hteir business, and it's strange to juts blame the ow.
Yes, it may not be the case, and the wife may still love him, or he loves her, but I don't believe for a second that she, the intelligent woman doesn't know about the affair - she knew for sure it happened first time round as he moved out, and I think she can put two and two together with his absences and so on. He may have told her openly for all we know. Maybe it suits her if she's not interested in sex - nothing wrong with that if both agree on this arrangement.

how do we know there is any secrecy, Wahla? OP wouldn't know for sure either. But I'm curious - does she think the wife knows? I don't think it's doable - to have a 10yr affair when wife is nonethe wiser, it's nearly impossible unless husnabd works away from home or something, they aer all in each other's backyards!

...in most cases you'll find the marriage is lacking in something" - damn straight! It's missing a loyal, honest, decent human being.

Wahla, again we don't know whether the wife hasn't got someone else, assuming they've agreed on this arrangement. She may well have. Now hte kids aer grown it should all come to the surface, as no need to stay for the kids, at least not for much longer.

Why not? That chap in America had those three women locked up in his house and his family and the neighbours all swear blind that the knew and suspected nothing. As did the bloke in Austria. Stranger things have happened.

And we don't know "for sure" that he told her about the OP the first time, we only have his word for that and excuse me if I'm disinclined to take the word of a liar at face value.

If she knows and is ok with it then what's with all the 'leaving him for a better life' drama? They would all just be getting on with their respective relationships. Ridiculous thing to say.

I find it very sad, that in all this hatred and venem, it seems to have gone completely unnoticed that the OP has said that she has broken contact.

Maybe OP is hoping that the wife is an MN'er and has just dropped enough info on this thread to 'out' the cheating man.

The opening post isn't about wanting to end it as much as she can't end it. Itv started with I want to, then later transpired that she has already ended it. If she has then why didn't the opening post just state that. She'd have had may be bit more support.

A cheater is always a cheat and the OW will always be the other woman, and if not she will end up with the cheater who she knows to be a lying underhand so and so and will never be able to have a moments peace, as she'll always be worried that he could do it again. I mean how can you spend that much time being with someone whose life is basically a lie.

I think OP realises now that he isn't going to leave his real family for her and is now trying to out him to his wife so that she makes the decision for him! I mean it's quite possible that the wife could read this and the OP would have succeeded in twisting the knife that the husband had stuck in his wife's back when they started this selfish affair.

If the wife ever does find out, I hope she is as OP describes and not there'd and is happy to be rid of him and can replace him with a nanny. Then he and OP can ride off in the sunset and live suspiciously ever after.

I really don't have any sympathy for either of them.

There'd should be bothered!

People seem to be implying that the wife must know.

When my ex was having his sordid liaison, I remember asking him outright! He really got offended that I would even think he could do anything like that to me and that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me and one me.

I remember feeling guilty and ashamed for ever doubting his love for me.

I now understand that he was emotionally abusive towards me. He knew I was insecure and played that card really well. I was a successful career woman and was earning well and financially independent, but I wanted. Trust him so I did. We didn't have any children, thankfully, so it was simpler in that case.

When things started to get better he started the I'm not n love with you anymore, and that I should move out. I wasn't happy with that but equally didn't want o be with him. I left and bought my own place and haven't looked back since. But when I finally found out that he had been cheating on me, I cut off all contact. He then tried to squirm his way back into my life, and at one point after a couple of years I did talk to Hume a couple of times. He kept saying if only I knew him now, and hat he was soon different and that he wished we were back together and that he'd made a mistake. There were two conversations like this and a the end of the second one I said, I will not be the OW, leave me alone. He was in a relationship with someone else and they were living one ther. He'd called me twice from his car as he waited to pick her up from his offices.

His lak of understanding about what he was doing was unbelievable.

Lack.

OP

You come across as a really unpleasant person.

You are bitchy towards his wife.

You talk as if it is all her fault she is still with him and all her fault he isn't with you.

You are setting a terrible and destructive example to your kids and providing your future grandchild with a good chance they will grow up in a broken home.

You don't want to finish this affair at all other than it to become a legitimate relationship.

Be honest with yourself if you can't be on here.

It all sounds dirty, sordid, pathetic and unpleasant.

I feel immense pity for the OW on this thread. I want to clap my hands over my face with embarrassment as they make blithering idiots of themselves...

Except for the OP. Because she involved her 'D'C.

She used her children like garbage so she could happily get a shag under the guise of what a strong, independent woman she was!

That is beyond the pale. Frankly, that makes me ill. This is the only time EVER I reckon I'd say an OW is more of a cunt than her OM. She ruined her children's lives to get a leg over.

It's usually men who have these excuses, they all fit the textbook, yes OP has wasted her life but...She chose to rope her kids in.

Why is that okay? That's so different to an affair. I don't even know what to call that other than if OP is a teacher I would expose her to the world because someone who is such a sociopath shouldn't be near children.

I mean, honestly, affairs are affairs are affairs and everyone who has them are cunts but...Involving you children? For over decade?

I don't know what to say. No that's I lie, I know exactly what I think but I think if I call OP a Emotionally neglected abuser of her children which is what I would call a man like you selfish cow no onw will get it.

I mean.... Her children? I know I'm rambling.

That's just it isn't it. They both, OP and the cheater, believe themselves to be excellent parents. Children aren't stupid and always know when something is amiss. Always!

The cheater has 2 or 3 times in the week every week for the last 10 years where he would rather spend time away from his own children. When his kids find out that he did this they will also wonder if he preferred the OP's kids than his own. That's alot of time o be away from our family when ou work full time.

It's sad that so many people's lives have been affected by these two very selfish people.

allofaflutter there might well be 'fault on both sides' in this marriage. Only the OP's boyfriend and his wife know the truth of that. But there really can't be 'fault on both sides' for him having an affair. No-one is to blame for two other people's behaviour. Are you getting mixed up with responsibility for marriage difficulties (which are jointly held) and responsibility for having a secret affair (which is unilateral)?

As for how he's managed to get away with it for so long, the OP said he works 4 days on and 4 days off. he's probably a firefighter or someone like that and the 'small business' could be plumbing or decorating - very common in compressed hours jobs like firefighting. If he and his wife have separate accounts or his 'business account' is nothing to do with her, it's very easy for someone in his position to pretend he's had a call-out either to his main emergency services job or to a client who wants work done or quoting for. He's probably faked no end of 'tiling jobs' over the years.

His kids are also 18-21 and he's had years of being able to leave them to their own devices while he nipped round to the OP's - that's if they weren't out themselves - and no-one would even know about his frequent absences, seeing as his wife was out of the house earning her crust. If he had to tell anyone where he was going, he's always had his other 'jobs' to fall back on and pretend it was work.

Successful, busy women with high self esteem really don't spend their lives snooping on their husband's movements, unless they've got legitimate suspicions in which case fair enough. If she hasn't suspected anything, it's just as likely that none of his behaviour at home towards her gives her reason to doubt him. If he's affectionate to her, tells her how much he loves her and still wants a sexual relationship with her, why would she be suspicious? We've got no idea how his moving out was sold to her at the time and let's remember, that was 7 years ago.

It's ridiculous to expect a busy woman to be a paranoid wreck carrying out surveillance on her husband's movements for 10 years and blame her if she does not. FFS she's got better things to do with her time.

Ha! I've just spotted this in your post allofaflutter:

I don't believe for a second that she, the intelligent woman doesn't know about the affair - she knew for sure it happened first time round as he moved out

Oh please

We don't even know his wife knew he had a flat ready to go do we? Or that he was living there? The OP has said he moved back home 'after a short while' when he had his 'accident'. That could be a few days or even a week. Definitely under 6 months because that was the duration of the rental period, the OP says. Very easy to cover a shortish absence with some other excuse. Seeing as the OP and him were still having to fork out for renting it for a few months afterwards, they probably used it as a shag pad (which might have been his intention all along, ather than actually intending to live in it).

The only people who know the truth of who was told what are this man and his wife.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen - rich for you to deal out criticism. I think your language and tone are pretty disgusting, tbh.

OP - I think you know that what you've been doing is potentially very hurtful to this man's wife and I still don't quite understand why you felt the need to tell your children?

But although I haven't had any experience being married or having affairs, I don't want you to read this thread and think you've had nothing for 10 years. It sounds like you've had something real, and I can understand how two people involved in an affair could feel real love as much as a married couple. I can also understand the man loving you, but not wanting to leave his family - it is somewhat wanting his cake and eating it, but it doesn't make feelings towards you any less real. Bear in mind that there are a lot of replies on here going into great detail in an attempt to render your relationship with this man void of anything real. I don't think that's necessarily true - but there are a lot of women on here who have probably been hurt by women like you.

Good luck for the future.

I am very happily married.
Thinking that the op is deluded and has been a shag on the side for a decade is not simply the views of women 'hurt by women like you'.

I think the person who has lost the most is the op and my posts reflect the fact that if she cannot see that the last ten years was sordid and meaningless she will continue to think that it reflects a healthy relationship. It really does not.
If we don't understand and accept our mistakes we just continue to make them.

"...somewhat wanting his cake and eating it..."

Well, quite.

OP, you have wasted 10 years of your life, I think you are right to call it a day. Good luck!