Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

No I don't think there was any confusion about the words the OP chose to use either. I think she posted precisely what was in her head and meant what she said.

Personally, I don't see it as a problem to raise a concern about the possible existence of a condition that if diagnosed correctly, can be acknowledged and managed. I do have a problem with internet diagnosis, which is an entirely different thing. I believe that people should seek out help from the correct professionals and for some issues, counselling on its own won't achieve change or better mental health, because the issues are outside of the average counsellor's qualifications or expertise.

Case in point I guess. Only someone who's trained in the diagnosis, treatment and management of narcissism and whose qualifications and experience are verifiable can say: In my professional experience narcissists don't do that. (Ever)

The rest of us are just on the internet.

Can narcissism be 'managed'? I tend to think not - in my unprofessional opinion . Perhaps being intensively exposed to one - or many - over a long period of time gives me a t-shirt qualification. Plus extensive research about it. fwiw.

But, anyway, let's not get side-tracked.

Agreed

Math Yes, you're right. I agree with your point that having a successful career does not mean one does not have low self-esteem. What about the other examples I gave?

Do you think someone can have low self-esteem if they 'feel' they are successful in all other walks of life i.e socially, work relationships, friendships, my family etc.

I don't want to lose momentum with what I've gained from your experience on this thread but using words such as axiomatic is not a word that I think most people would use or would understand.

I think it is very evident that I had no knowledge of how forums work or else I would have indeed not chosen 'to have crashed onto this site' and thrown myself to the wolves . I have had quite a few PMs expressing how courageous they think I am. I'm beginning to understand I haven't been courageous at all but bloodly naive!! .

I would be shocked and upset if I were to be diagnosed with having a narcississtic personal disorder (i truly believe I do not). I believe my posting on here with the facts as how I saw them was borne out of ignorance and not being aware of how my thoughts and feelings would upset others and for that I am truly apologetic.

Naive sounds benign whereas I think some people will have found your views hurtful and/or offensive. I can't see how it's 'courageous' to do that, but perhaps those messagers meant that word in a different context? It's courageous for example to be open to looking at parts of your personality you'd like to change and seeking help to do that, which latterly you appear to have done. It's not courageous though to blame this man's wife for something in which she had no involvement or choices. Worst still to blame female partners generally which is what you did.

Those views don't hurt me personally, but they offend me because they are so women-blaming and I'm a feminist.

I do have some scepticism therefore that it's naivety and in the context of choosing that kind of message on this forum, definitely don't think it's courageous. More a complete lack of empathy and sensitivity.

I've learned lots of marvellous words from forums and books. I never want people to stop using them because they challenge and stretch me. FWIW I don't think axiomatic is particularly unusual. It's a great word that concisely compresses about 10 others in a way that good vocabulary does.

No, OP isnt a narcissist. Agree w Springy's reasoning.

Phew, thanks Wellwobbly I'm really genuinely relieved to hear that. And I don't think for one moment being described as courageous was meant anything other than:

a. Not scuttling away with my tail between my legs when the earlier thread was potentially difficult for me to read and...
b. Knowing I have accepted that I need to make huge changes to my life and readily agree I need counselling.

I also see how my earlier posts make painful reading but even during this short time I have been on here, I already understand so much more and appreciate where the comments I have made have been hurtful.

I just want to stress I wasn't generalising all women blaming them when their partners/husbands have an affair. I was pertaining to MY situation. I most probably mean't she had to accept at least some responsibility in the breakdown of her relationship to her husband.

Maybe married women with young families can have it all but only if they have loving and supportive partners who are accepting of their careers and who are readily available to make changes in order for their marriage to succeed.

Maybe I ought to start a new thread: Can Women really have it all?

People are still pandering to the narcissist? I applaud your tenacity everyone!

Oh and I mean narcissist in the "wow she sounds like that greek bloke what drown himself because he thought he was so ace" way. Rather than being pulled apart for having a degree in the wrong kind of medicine.

Women rarely admit affairs and married women look askance on those who do. Conversely plenty of men show off to other men about their liaisons. It is a sexist world.

Given 30% of married people cheat it is likely that 30% of any holier than thous on the thread are at it anyway.

However I don't and I reject married men regularly. No one has to accept that first advance. I am not waiting for my reward from the married women's institute for rejecting married men, but I perhaps deserve one.

Christ alive,I see the armchair psychiatrists are scratching chin,using google
So from a bit of a messy relationship,to narcissism..Who'd have thunk it
One can tell all that from mn?next you'll be predicting cholesterol by reading posts

Oh gosh, I wasn't trying to do that. Like I said I didn't know what it meant, so I googled it and thoughti'd post something that I thought was interesting.

I'll ask MN to remove my post if that's how it's come across.

I have reported my post and asked for it to be removed.

ach it is open to debate scottishmummy but let's face it any person who shits on other people aint doing good and as for shitting on your own doorstep well that's just plain stupid imo.

By all means debate the ow,married man thang.thats the point
But speculating on her mental health,and using google as oracle is distasteful
I think it's unpleasant,and frankly you might as well diagnose gingivitis as narcissism.in both cases you'd be guessing

maybe op needs to realise that behaviour suggestive of a total lack of empathy for one's fellow human sends up flags in the rest of the populace that a sociopath/narcissist/personality disorder/shark is in their midst?

on ma 3rd glass and bowing out of this one vipers!

Oh gie it a rest go back to your Frasier box set.
Psychobabble is wanky

Ah! Can we please stop the intelectualising of what clearly had NO thought input whatsoever, barring who could get off first?

All this 'soul' searching is no going to give this bint some kind of justification for fucking someone else's husband, hauling her own kids into the midst and ranting on hear about how it was all the DW's fault for not treating her man right.

If OP has copped herself on, then all well and good, but stroking her overblown ego, pandering to her is not going to help her. Or those poor kids.

There is a DW in thé story here who has been cheated on for over 10 years.

Ok so he is the philandering slimeball but he can't betray his family alone now can he? And what better than with one that KNOWS full well what it feels like.

Takes a special kinda person to do that...

Stop feeding this creature. She is addicted to the drama, and all this thread is doing is replacing the hard-on she got with Mr ShagCoach

Thankyou MNHQ.

OP, I really do wish you well and didn't mean to offend with my post.

Good Luck!

Don't worry mumat39, I'm not ready to slit my wrists yet

A rather distasteful joke on my part!

Would someone like to analyse that?

And on that note, I too am bowing out.

Can I ask why now.

What happened to trigger you to look at your life.

I thought that was a great post, Mumat39! I'm disappointed you got it deleted.

im(u)o I think the thread was just ambling along, changing direction, looking at different ideas. Nothing wrong with that, a lot right with it as far as I'm concerned.

Then the big guys came ambling into town, chewing baccy, slung a few shots and told every one they were damn stupid.

And y'all listened to them?? Don't listen, people! Just some big shot opinions, tis all.