Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

It's hard to believe you continued this affair for ten and a half years without ending it. So many people must have been hurt in the process?

Totally agree with CounselorTroi why the fuck would his wife want to stay at home and nurse him when he had dumped her for another woman and told her he wasn't in love with her just because he was unwell when the woman who supposedly loved him couldn't be bothered.

Sod that.

Kalidanger the point of this thread began with the question: 'How do I manage to end the affair for good?'. I find your post rather damning, using expletives and calling me a stupid cow. Stupid I may have been but calling me a cow is just pure frustration on your part! I understand you may be angry with my actions, but you can't blame me for being honest.
I think its time for me to call it a day now.

I'm thinking wife is really quite smart.

People don't have affairs because something is wrong at home. They have affairs because they can. They might love the person they are with but if they can get more sex and attention as well without getting caught then some people will.

That something wrong at home schtick is just part of the narrative I mentioned before. The one you are invested in. On here people call it 'the script'.

It's bullshit.

OP, you don't know how he managed to maintain his ft job, his paternal responsibilities and have you on the side without his wife kicking him out for 10 years. You don't know why his wife took him back after he left despite him telling her about the affair.

These are very big gaps in your knowledge despite your being in constant contact and spending 2-3x a week with him.

Why is that? Is it because you do not ask? Is it because he does not tell? Either way, both of you are ignoring the elephant in the room. Because to him, it does not really matter. Both of you are not going anywhere.

I think you figured that out by now. You can tell yourself it is your choice to leave. The truth is, it was never really your choice to stay, just a booby prize for someone who did not rock the boat for 10 years.

God your poor children.

Yes OP, don't listen to the nasty comments. Don't change. Maybe then your kids will have a chance to detach from you, your denial has made you unbelievably toxic.

I don't really care about you or him. You're in so much denial you're embarrassing yourself, he's pathetic and you both blame his wife.

However, you burdened your daughters with your sordid little secret.

I can't get over that part. If you are actually serious about ending it, you need to talk to your DD's about how much damage you've done to them.

Because if they are 'high flyers' what are you going to tell them if their husband has an affair?

That it's their fault?

Or will it be different because they're people you love?

It takes two to make a happy marriage and despite what everyone says, if she was such a wonderful wife, mother etc, why would he look elsewhere for love, comfort, support and the life that a 'normal' relationship brings.

er, it takes two people not to cheat to have a happy marriage.

We could make a drinking game out of this. Every time she trots out a line from the often heard script we take a shot.

"My wife is marvellous and I have zero intentions of every leaving the cosy set up I have at home but I really fancy putting my cock into somebody else" - said no cheating scumbag, ever.

But that is quite likely to be the truth. OP you are totally invested in believing the myth that he is in a shell of a marriage to women who is undeserving of his greatness and it is this feeling of superiority, of snatching the prize away from this women, that has fuelled this relationship for you. You said it yourself, that you were flattered by the fact that he used 'her time' on you (not quoting but that was the gist). It's not just about him picking you, it's about him picking you over her. You need to feel 'better than' and it's a bitter, bitter pill to swallow that after 10 years of proving that you are the iwife 7.0 version, he still wants his old model (and you do want him in that way because there is no way you would have let him play daddy to your kids if he was simply a fwb).

You're not going to end it with him. Your ego has taken a bashing because you just can't find the moving his healthy mother in thing to be anything other than an excuse to stay with her, so you need a fix. You'll tell him it's over, he'll waily, waily over how he can't live without you but he has to stay... Because it's his duty you understand, not because he wants to and you'll fall into each others arms (passionately, no doubt), and on it will go for as long as his wife has no idea about you.

Stay, go, do what you like OP but please leave this women alone, she has done nothing to warrent your vittriol against her other than to have met this man before you. You don't know her and you have no idea about the reality of their marriage, only what he has told you and he is a liar.

Leave her alone and sort yourself out.

What I get is that you used him as much as he used you. In an earlier post you admit that him not being full time suited you. I don't think you ever wanted him to leave his wife. You knew he would not and you did not care.

So why not continue seeing him? What has changed in your life? Is it because you have met someone else? Or is it because you are starting to think if I don't find someone full time, I won't ever find anyone?

What I am actually getting here is that you seem quite calculated about it all. And the only reason you would not lose permanent contact with him is that he is convenient for you as it is for him.

CounselorTroi, ha, I once said the same thing! I think perhaps you're right. I told him she must know of our affair but was hanging on to him because he gives the children their tea and ferries them around to their various sports/hobbies clubs. Maybe she was afraid of losing her chauffeur and cookcumchildminder.
Imnotscared, thanks for your support. Yes, I'm able to put up with the crap (and excellent advice on here) because of my profession (I work in education with children so I can take it on the chin without losing my cool). I will be in touch and keep you updated.
I'm off to bed now- please don't worry. It just amazes me that so many of you can post without reading the full thread and thereby post a load of bull that doesn't relate to the original question nor previous facts that have been posted.
Bye all x

Oh not the 'if he was happy with his wife he wouldn't have had an affair' trope?

Yes, that's the same wife he's staying with and has no intention of leaving, despite his children being grown up, him having always being able to afford a new life and his wife being able to support herself and her half of any continued financial support to their children.

Face facts OP. He's happy where he is and he always was. The reason he had an affair was because he could and the compliant OW he found, placed no demands on him. Are you really so naive to think that some people just want a bit extra of everything?

Either his wife not unreasonably trusts the man she's married to and because she's a bright successful woman with a life of her own has never felt the need to police her husband's every movement, or she knew the score years ago and has been doing what he's been doing for years - hanging on to her hard-earned assets, getting her children looked after by their resident parent while she gets her own kicks elsewhere. Either way, she really isn't the stupid naive one here and I can't see why you feel the need to be so sneering and belittling to her.

Unless of course it's dawning on you that she's always had far more going for her than you, her husband thinks so too and you're understandably jealous.

oh ffs, I can't believe this is still going!

op imagine for a second that everything that guy ever said was a lie, you do not have to reach for that one right? Ok you do not know if he ever told his wife without having spoken to her or the kids (god forbid) to confirm.

Somehow you have then also made the leap from the liar to justifying your part in this dreadful behaviour by blaming the wife for not realising what was going on under her nose. Has it ever occurred to you that she may be a decent human being who does not go around screwing other people over and therefore does not expect to be screwed over?

Honestly your logic is savagely absent.

You keep repeating that happily married people don't stray thereby blaming the wife again, for all you know she is happily married to a lying cheating sociopath and you think you are special when in fact you are the idiot for knowing he is a cheating scumbag and inviting him into your life.

Please get some help or I am forced to second the narcissist vote (and maybe you should look that up).

How do you end the affair?

You look in the mirror and see the sad, deluded fool who has been lied to for 10 years and who has wasted 10 years of her life on some bloke who doesn't love her enough to leave his family.

Then you look again and tell yourself to get some self esteem and courage. Delete his numbers and move on with your life.

I despise affairs and the people who have them. But I'm shocked and full of pity for how empty your life must really be if you have had to endure this pretend relationship for 10 years in order to give your life meaning.

her cookcumchildminder (sic) ?

Strange as it might seem to you, married couples don't regard a fellow parent who prepares food for his own children and looks after them, as their personal cook and childminder. God, you're insanely jealous of this woman aren't you?

You cannot even compete with some one who uses your lover like a domestic appliance for 10 years?

Gosh, that must really sting. Yup, time to move on.

" just trying to explain how it was so easy to conduct an affair for so long."

Yes, real relationships are hard work. You'll discover that some day.

Chauffeur and cookcumchildminder?! Also known as a husband and father. Do you not see that what you are describing is nothing more than your common garden variety parent and spouse- you seem to think this makes him some kind of God amongst men. It doesn't. Banal that it is, it is just normal family life.

And so what if he does the lions share whilst she makes the most money for the family? There is nearly always one partner that does more but they are not a poor put upon victim of an evil selfish spouse - it's called, being part of a functioning family unit.

You have very skewed ideas of reality.

Insanely jealous! Don't be silly. If I were, I would have dropped the bombshell on her years ago but I'm not some vindictive person. I have chalked down the last ten years as a relationship I have enjoyed and now I'm ready to move on. I know his wife (remember, we live a stones throw from each other) and I know her well. I have no reason to be jealous of her nor do I wish to make any personal comments about her. For all those who have said I have wasted the last 10yrs, I disagree! That's why I have not been in any hurry to leave him. I have already posted my reasons why I wish to move on and for those who said I have used him for my own benefits as well as what I could provide for him are absolutely correct. We provided love for each other and comfort. He was of valuable support to me and my children, whether it be domestic or emotional. If you can't accept that people have affairs other than for sex, then you aren't in a position to judge until it you have experienced it other than being a wronged wife.
For the record.....my marriage broke up because my husband 'had an affair'. Believe it or not, despite my initial reaction which was to blame the other woman, I totally DO NOT BLAME her and the reason why my marriage broke down was NOT due to the affair. The affair was a CONSEQUENCE of what was wrong within my marriage... it wasn't the catalyst. Which brings me back to why I think people have affairs. It's not because a man/or woman want MORE of whatever they are seeking just because they can... it's because they are not fulfilled in the first place.

Thank you for confirming your jealousy. Every post you've made has been filled with personal comments about her and FWIW... That entire post was a subconscious justification of how she's responsible.

I think if he actually left (which will clearly never happen, you're perfectly in place for him) You wouldn't even want him. So much energy focused on the wife of the man you've used to destroy your and your children's lives with apparently no guilt as to any suffering you've put your own children through.

Third the narcissist vote. Good luck OP, you desperately need it.

So it's ok for you to use him for domestic purposes but it's the crime of the century if she does? Punishable by 10years hard cuckolding?

Charming.

Why do women assume that almost all affairs are conducted because a man wants more sex? Ours started as an innocent friendship conducted at the school gates which grew into a physical attraction. We did not begin an affair for some time and both tried to deny our feelings. We became attracted to each other and were smitten. I did not act upon my feelings straight away but was pursued by him. It would be easy for everyone to say I should have put a STOP to it before it began but I didn't and so hence the beginning. Think what you like of me, I am a decent person who has raised four children whilst holding down a full time job. I entered into a relationship that is morally wrong but whilst working in education, I know how to conduct myself in a professional manner and would instruct the students it is wrong to do so. Do you think all teachers are Saints . Let's be realistic. THE WIFE has to bear a portion of blame for not keeping her husband happy. He is to blame for cheating on her and I am to blame for allowing it to happen knowingly (Yes, i really am not DUMB!). This may be a Mumsnet but that doesn't give anyone the right to blame all others apart from the WIFE. I am a realistic person and accept this affair for what it was. I hope I will be strong to let go and the irony of it all is: if I had a friend who was in this position, I'd be the first to tell her she is being used and abused. It's an entirely different story when you are the one experiencing it! Thanks for your vote.

Haven't read the full thread as there's no need.

So only going to answer the OPs question which is Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

I'll tell you how:

If you really want rid of him, then threaten him and threaten him hard.

"stop shitting on my doorstep, or I will come and shit heavily on yours:
if you continue to contact me I will post intimate details and photos of the last ten years to your wife and i will take out an injunction against you."

"Do not fuck with me. I will go straight to the police and to your wife. In the same order. Do NOT contact me again."

And because you want to end this affair, you stick by this and never contact him again.

Of course you wouldn't have dropped the bombshell on her - ever. You've always known that he would have given you up instantly if his wife had made him choose. He'd rather lose you than her.

Just because your own marriage was unhappy and your husband had an affair and then left the marriage, doesn't mean you possess any insight into every affair and every other marriage. I can't believe anyone would come out with something so ridiculous.

But it must be so difficult having these beliefs that people only want other relationships if they are 'unfulfilled' when your boyfriend has always wanted his relationship with his wife in addition to the one he has with you. The logical extension of your self-serving belief that you are meeting needs his wife cannot is that she's meeting needs that you cannot.

Otherwise he would have left her to be with you. He didn't and he's never going to. You on your own would never fit the bill.