Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

You want tips on how to end it.

If he shows up at your door/is persistent, drive to his wife and fill her in, in full detail about the last ten years. Let him know in advance this is your plan, should he choose to harass you, then react appropriately.

Another alternative is to call the cops.

You have lots of options, you just don't want to see them because you are a narcissist and you think you are so irresistible to him. You are not irresistible, you are just an easy lay with limited expectations.

Have I missed part of this thread? The bit where 24hr nursing care turned into an 11yr old bringing his dad a snack?

Yes how do you know he told her he was having an affair? Spoken to her at length about it, have you? Or maybe you thought it was appropriate to ask his children?

Chubfuddler i have not mentioned he has spent any christmases with me, but my birthdays. He left his wife after three years to move into rented accommodation so we could start our relationship afresh, without him moving into my home due to the fact I had four small children and I wasn't ready at the time to commit. He told his wife why he was leaving, hence the 'I love you because you are the mother of my children but I'm not in love with you' conversation.
She took him back when he had an accident just weeks after he left and was immobilised for a short time (a couple of weeks).
I know there are plenty of marriages out there (at least 3 couples of my friends) who are no longer in love with each other but can't be bothered nor can afford to leave. They no longer sleep with each other but are happy to live under the same roof because they can't see an alternative. It was my belief she was of the same. If she truly thought he was continuing with the affair, she didn't push for answers nor fought to find out. I know this sounds like I'm blaming her for our actions, I'm not. I'm just saying these are the reasons why it was so easy for us to continue without there being any strife.

So you don't know with absolute certainty that she knew about the affair?

This is just what he told you he'd said? Along with the other stuff about not loving her.

You don't have proof that he said any of that to her, do you?

Of the 4 comments you won't admit responsibility for, 3 of them are directly targeting his wife. The 4th, perhaps too, by comparison.

You have NO right to talk about her. You know nothing, only that he lies to her, and therefore everything he says about her to YOU is probably a lie too.

'my wife doesn't understand me' is the oldest and most hackneyed lie of all.

And you fall for it. For over 10 years?

You make your girls complicit in it?

Shame on you.

Oh I see, I misread your poorly worded paragraph.

Look, when the OW refuses for whatever reason to have the MM in her home or set up home with him they go back to their wives. It's what they do.

I do not believe for a second that she thought your affair continued after that split and reconciliation of theirs. Even if she did, well if he was so unhappy/dissatisfied he could have left her anyway. He went back because it was convenient. That's all.

They makes him, and this is a bit of an understatement, not a very nice person.

Yes shame on you, modelling such deceitful behaviour to your children, and allowing someone to lounge around your house, who also models terrible behaviour.

Perhaps the wife works so much in order to cope with all the shite that you and your man lay at her plate.

If you really want it over, you just ay it is over, that's it. Call the police if he wont take no for an answer (he sounds like some kind of nutter/control freak if he wont accept it's over).

Your kids are still so young, who knows what damage you have wreaked on them.

Again OP I ask you how do you know he told his wife 'I love you because you are the mother of my children but I'm not in love with you' ?

How do you know he told her about the affair?

How do you know he 'left' and wasn't asked to leave?

You say she took him back like as if he had nothing to do with it. He went back, you say despite this notion of you both starting afresh?

You claim it was on this pretext of you having kids/not being ready to commit so you were happy to let him go back?

Doesn't sound very passionate.

If all he required was a few snacks and water then couldn't he have worked out something on his high flying salary? A nurse or similar, but no, he went back home to his wife and children instead??

It's a bit weak isn't it?

I don't believe for a second that he told his wife he was no longer in love with her and was having an affair.

More likely, if the OP ever actually saw this rental property and saw all his possessions in it, he told his wife he needed rented accommodation for some other purpose - e.g. for work.

It just doesn't stack up that a bright intelligent woman with a dazzling career and financial independence would take back a man who didn't love her and who was having an affair. He could still have done the childcare when she was at work, like he'd always done.

Why do supposedly intelligent women believe this rubbish about even brighter, more successful women than them? This man's wife is clearly no fool and she certainly can't be blamed for being lied to and not realising it.

Your children are girls?

What on earth do you think you've taught them for the last 10 years?

"Bring water and the odd snack for their Dad"

" his children provided the bulk of his care and realistically, I don't think any wronged-wife would have provided care in his new home that he'd just left the old one for!"

Which is it then op?

By the way, before anyone comes on to post the usual apologia about the OW not being at fault either for men's lies to them - I agree, to a point. Except of course they know the man's a liar and some of them have this terrible flaw of believing he'd never lie to them. It's like parting with money to a con artist who's just ripped off the woman down the road, robbing her of her savings. Why would he not lie to you too? Whereas there's no irrefutable evidence that this man's wife knew her husband was lying to her for 10 years, is there?

Chubfuddler I agree that yes, he probably did go back because it was convenient rather than being alone in his rented accommodation.
Scarletforya, we planned his move over a few months i.e looking for accommodation that was close by so he could still attend to his kids, sorting out rent and buying furniture together. It was only when he had sorted out his accommodation and furnished it, did he tell his wife he was leaving. She neither kicked him out nor knew anything that was going on. I have no proof that this is what he said to her but of course, I believed him then (as I do now) that the reason he told her he was leaving was because he was no longer in love with her and he was having an affair with me.
I say no change was made to their relationship soon after he returned because the amount of hours she worked stayed the same and he continued to see me and leave his home as often as he had done before.
It seems that however I play this, submit the facts as they are, I understand that you are saying he has not been truthful. I understand this but I'm just trying to explain how it was so easy to conduct an affair for so long. I agree with your comments and I'm afraid when one is in the throes of an affair, it is easy to twist the truth in order to suit you and clearly this is what I have done.

It is over. End of, unless of course you love all the attention.

This is only as complicated as you want it to be.

*'I'm NOT responsible for the fact that despite her husband admitting to an affair, nothing changed for them when he returned home.

I'm NOT responsible for when he has been ill with a medical complaint and needs care, she chooses to work rather than spend time with him.*

can't think why she didnt want to stay home and play Nursey to the lying cheating bastard.

OP you sound deluded.

but of course, I believed him then (as I do now)

when one is in the throes of an affair, it is easy to twist the truth in order to suit you and clearly this is what I have done.

And what he has done, I think on a far larger scale than you wanted to think about before.

I'm sure it will take a while to process the 'new reality' and to digest that what you previously accepted as fact is really just ....well, the witterings of a weak man who habitually lies to suit himself.

His hours staying the same and seeing you exactly as much as before all indicate to me that the wife was never told a thing about the affair.

What do you think?

So when you were feathering his little love nest who paid for the furniture you chose together, him, you or her?

I struggle to accept that he's a very high earner and also the main carer for the children.....

I have x posted. His rental home was very close to where I live. We picked it together for that reason. What I will say, and I think we could discuss this thread forever, is that, yes, she is a high earner, therefore, one would presume she is an intelligent woman, then how does anyone explain the fact we have been having an affair for ten years without her knowing! We practically live within a stones throw from each other. I don't wish to defend myself anymore, not because I don't wish to, but because I feel I have enough material, advice and feedback on his poor behaviour to allow me to make the right decision and never go back. It takes two to make a happy marriage and despite what everyone says, if she was such a wonderful wife, mother etc, why would he look elsewhere for love, comfort, support and the life that a 'normal' relationship brings. I have made it clear, this relationship was not purely about sex, meeting up once a month or whatever you may think. This was an on-going relationship where I allowed him after a few years, to become close to my children, and we conducted a relationship to the detriment of his wife. I will always be here to guide my 4children (2 boys, 2 girls) and yes (hypocritically), tell them that having an affair is wrong. I admit I have used being a single parent as an excuse (can't remember who said this) for my despicable behaviour and I totally get where you are all coming from except to say...... if all is well at home, then either partner, man or woman, would not be attempted to stray. The fact this has been going on for 10yrs can either be seen as indication of how happy we have been or an indication that I have been blinded by love for so long! I guess only time will tell.

VBisme, he bought and paid for all the furniture by himself out of a personal account (not the family account) and I was able to help out with his rent which was paid for in full for six months. Despite his main job, he also has a small business which earns him an extra income. Before anyone asks how he finds time to go to work and also work an extra sideline, he is a shift worker and so works 4days on and 4days off. This explains why he was always there for his children whilst they were young and at school and how he was able to give extra time to his small business which started out more as a hobby.

kali, the problem obviously is that OP got emotionally attached to the gey over these 10yrs, it's hard to drop a friend let alone a lover, it's like quitting to smoke and it's a bit like bereavement when people ar involved. But I think OP already said that she's now ready and the thread has helped (she has a tolerance of a saint,with this level agression!)

guy

OP I hope that you got my PM.

I know that you will be feeling really bad about yourself now, please dont, the nasty comments are not worth listening to. It doesnt matter what you say now, someone will misenterpret it and turn it around against you.

You are fighting a losing battle on here unfortunately.

There used to be a fantastic forum. There were a lot of people who were having or have had affairs and there was a great support post for ones trying to end an affair. Unfortunately the owner left his wife for the oW and then decided that making money from others having affairs wasnt so great !