Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

missStrawberry i have no intention of telling his wife and hurting her and his children a second time.
Corygal we both talked at length and agreed he would move into rented accommodation of his own as my children were rather young at this time (and did not know of him) and I did not wish to impose on them, a new relationship, despite being divorced two years at this time. I have also said that he is a high earner and is not being 'kept' by his wife. I called it fate earlier in my thread as shortly after he moved in, he had an accident at work and was immobilised. His children did not 'nurse' him, but merely did what any child would do and bring water and the odd snack for their Dad. During this time, it was obviously evident the children were thrilled their Dad was home despite the circumstances. We talked and agreed that it would be in the best interests for his children if he stayed.
I have omitted to say: prior to starting this thread, I have already cut contact with him (albeit its only been a few days). The reason I wanted advice was how to maintain that separation. Atm, if I ever weaken, all I will have to do is return to this thread and read your comments and I'm sure they will be enough to help me change my mind should I find myself weakening.
I know this is totally hypocritical but i would without doubt, tell my girls should they find themselves in the midst of an affair or starting an affair, that it would be totally wrong and give them a million reasons why. I have known this is wrong from the get-go but I was enjoying the passion too much too stop. A case of do as I say, not as I do .
He has told me on numerous occasions that I have tried to cut contact before, that if I change my number or stop answering his calls, he will simply call round to see me as he doesn't want to let me go. We live near each other. I guess I have been flattered by his insistence and the fact that our relationship has been based on love and not purely sex. He has not had a family holiday for the past five years and does not go to many family occasions as he accepts this would be wrong and he doesn't enjoy them. As for all the other occasions, xmas day, birthdays etc we spend my birthday together where possible (if he is not working) and contact during these times has been frequent as any other day.

I assure you this is a genuine thread. I think its lasted this long is because she has either turned a blind eye to what has been going on these past ten years because she loves him and is happy to accept what he brings to her family. I know this sounds incredulous that I can be so matter of fact about the circumstances, but the sad truth is; this is what probably has enabled us to continue this affair so simply without any problems arising. If anything, now the children are older on both sides, we have been able to see more of each other!!! I am serious about giving him up and I will look into the no contact rule. I have never heard of this before.

This gets worse with every post. I think it's far more likely that when your DC get married, they'll identify much more with this man's wife and family and will be disgusted by your joint actions. They might not question it now because this awful set-up has been normalised for them - but they will, when they realise how fucked up it was to have someone else's husband and father so intertwined in their lives when they were growing up.

I don't suppose this prince among men told his wife he was having an affair with you when he allegedly told her he wasn't in love with her and was leaving?

Or that you've got a single piece of evidence to corroborate all these stories about what he's told his wife and how he's been with her all these years?

So do your children know his children? Were they all at the same school?

Yes, she said it was where they met.

'I have already cut contact with him (albeit its only been a few days).'

which paradoxically keeps the fantasy going. (Dave Carder).

It is the push-pull drama that keeps it going; because the nature of affairs is that there is anticipation, passion, best behaviour and NEVER farts under the duvet/scratching bollocks and picking noses, and big spluttery shits that happen in real relationships and all the boring interludes of everyday life.

Tbh Gehj, I must tell you that your and Internet's description of the passion and the amazing sex has been very very hurtful for me, a loving wife (and I really did love him) to hear, because I know you are telling the truth.

We had sex a lot. A lot, I thought it was really good. But I simply couldn't compete against the excitement and newness that is you. I just couldn't. My love was not enough which kind of tells me that the problem lies with him and his ego, choosing fantasy over real life. Very sad for me, but there it is.

Don't believe everything you read on the internet WellWobbly. A relative of mine had an affair and he told me and my DH that the sex with the OW was very dissatisfying. His wife wasn't there the night he talked about it and he had no reason to lie. He wasn't putting all the blame for this on the OW either. He said that he was pretty crap too and alternately felt sorry for/didn't believe the OW when she said it was the best sex she'd ever had.

I do find it funny when women having affairs always come on here saying the sex is amazing. You never see a more honest and believable account about sex like you get from posters who are married to, dating or divorcing men and I think that's just part of the big delusion.

Honeymoon. Sexor illicit sex is always going to be amazing/exciting - because they know it is wrong or snatching the odd moment. Sex as a married couple - well it just can't compete can it !!!! Also a relationship is about much ,ore than sex - mostly it is about trust - and a man who has cheated on his wife for ten years - don't think I would trust him !!!!!!

Can I also say I don't blame the OP - she isn't the one who is married !! S therefore she has no responsibility for the wife and kids - she didn't make the vows he did!! HIM on the other hand - ten years cheating on someone - he must be a blooming good actor - ten years. - no way could anyone do that for whatever 'reason'. He is a pathetic, cheating, lying coward and I hope he ends up on his own!!!

When he first tried to leave... what do you mean by that? You don't try to leave, if you want to leave you leave... he clearly didn't want to leave his wife.

Stop putting his wife down - you are doing yourself no favours.

OP you are emotionally unavailable (look at your childhood relationships) and you are in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man (to both his wife and you) and you are teaching your children to be emotionally unavailable too (children copy what you DO not what you say).

You are cut off from your healthy feelings of shame and in a cosy little bubble of denial which is why you can sleep with another woman's man and try to justify it (she's a bit of a workaholic so that makes it alright). You live near them - do you see her about - do you smile and say hi?

As other posters have said you need to face reality if you want to exit from this affair and that involves facing up to the truth - that you are the rule not the exception. Just another pair of boring everyday cheaters too selfish to think of anyone but themselves but trying to dress it up as some epic romance and getting angry when people call it for what it is. You don't want your little bubble burst but facing reality is the only way out - it will be painful though - this truth WILL hurt.

Gehj - when he calls shut the door in his face or don't answer it - tell him you will call on him and his wife/ children if he doesn't leave you alone - if he wanted to leave his wife he would leave. If you wanted to leave you would - you clearly don't so what do you want ???

YOU have to want it to end - if you do it will simples - loads of people break up/divorce so why can't you - IF you really want to ?

The most painful part for an OW must be the realisation that she's been lied too just as much as his wife. It's simply ridiculous to believe that a man who is being described as the 'primary carer' despite working full time just like his wife couldn't have got shared residence or even sole residence with his children if he'd left his marriage. Or seeing as he wasn't financially dependent on his wife, couldn't have made a new home with the OP who also worked. Seeing as he was the primary carer and both he and his wife were allegedly earning lots of money, there could hardly be a better set of circumstances for a man to start again and be a single parent like lots of other people.

Reading between the lines, him moving his healthy but widowed mother in (now that he can't use the children as an excuse any longer) was probably the last straw and this is your last roll of the dice to see if he'll come good on all his bullshit. Deep down you probably know that he won't, so it's your defence mechanism to reframe the last 10 years as being your choice and something that suited you at the time but is now surplus to requirements. Even the way you describe how your children have had a good life and have been unaffected by this headfucking family life is all part of that sanitisation and reframing process.

You're not fooling anyone here but it's a shame you're fooling yourself.

How will you find the strength to leave him?

How about taking all the energy you have previously pumped into deceiving your children and yourself and refocusing it.

Perhaps you should just stay. I mean, what sort of man would trust a woman who conducted an affair for 10 years?

I have not lied nor fabricated anything nor deliberately put his wife down. I have merely given the background to my first post.
I'm NOT responsible for the fact his wife chooses to work 24/7.
I'm NOT responsible for the fact that despite her husband admitting to an affair, nothing changed for them when he returned home.
I'm NOT responsible for when he has been ill with a medical complaint and needs care, she chooses to work rather than spend time with him.
I'm NOT responsible for admitting the sex is passionate when it is.
However,
I AM responsible for letting this affair to continue and have enjoyed the benefits.
I AM responsible for ignoring the lies he has most probably told his wife in order to spend time with me.
I AM responsible for thinking he has been a bloody good father and been there for his children.
I AM responsible for wondering how he has managed to maintain this affair for ten years, whilst holding down a full time job.
I AM responsible for being flattered by the love and attention he has shown me rather than his wife, and continued to do so despite not wanting to break up his family.
I AM responsible for being part of the decisions we have both made regards him leaving his wife and children after 3yrs of being together.
I AM PREPARED TO take RESPONSIBILITY for ending this affair. I do not have plans to tell his wife what a lying, cheating b***d he's been but to let it go and hopefully, no-one further will get hurt.
I AM responsible for admitting - 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' because my selfish actions have warranted it and I'm ashamed to say, I don't regret one day of the last ten years because I have been in love with him.
Perhaps those reading this who are currently in an affair will recognise the above and agree this is true but cannot bring themselves to admit it. Just because I have known it's wrong, does not mean that it has been easy to let go.

I'd stop vicariously living life by what he wants. hes not calling shots,unless you let him
you get another social circle, join ou,gym to keep busy and become different distant
reflect upon your choices why you spent nearly 11yr with married man who never made you 1st choice

You can list what you think your role is or as Ben.
You an detail that which you chose to see as your reponibility and that which you wish to dismiss as her fault.
But anyone reading can interpret that any way they like.
Fwiw your sniping at his wife just sounds like bollocky justification to me. As it always does when ths sad tale is told over and over again on here.

OP, from what Ive observed here on Relationships for an affair to 'work' both parties have to invest in the idea that the wife (in this case) somehow has earned it/deserves it. If the cheater can not dish any real dirt on the wife he manufactures it;

She's cold and a workaholic.
She's needy and unstable.
She's lazy and a financial leech.
etc
etc

The cheater 'de-personalises' the wife with blame and the fallacy that she has put him in 'an impossible situation'. A common theme is that she would use the children as a weapon if she found out. That she is so desperate to hold onto the cheating man that she would put up with anything andn would hold the children to ransom. The cheater feeds this narrative to the OW. It's convenient for him and for the OW. Both MM and OW are so heavily invested in this narrative that they come to believe it themselves.

Often the wife is oblivious or realises something is amiss but doesn't cop on what it is. None of it is true. The wife often turns out to be a perfectly reasonable woman who just hasn't been informed that the marriage is over.

It seems to be a common device used.

So you say you don't want this affair any more. So what you have to do is start picking apart everything that's been fed to you and everything you wanted to believe. Everything you might still believe. It's probably a crock of shit.

"I AM responsible for wondering how he has managed to maintain this affair for ten years, whilst holding down a full time job."

What a man! Whatamighty-mighty good man.

You're first 3 points are basically just blaming her for 'forcing' him into an affair, therefore you can still keep him on a pedestal because its not his fault he's cheating with you, the nasty woman made him do it. I wonder his many times in the last decade she has been ill/tired/rundown/needing support but he has been elsewhere shagging you.

You're not going to end it and you know it. You're right about one thing though, she's probably known for years.

I'm NOT responsible for the fact that despite her husband admitting to an affair, nothing changed for them when he returned home.

Oh. How do you know he admitted the affair to his wife?

look lose the tortured lovers bullshit.he fucked you over.literally and metaphorically
and in end chose hs wife.you were the bit in the side
had he wanted you he'd have chosen you.plenty men get divorced,chose ow.not your,lover though

If she is such a terrible wife, he could and should have left her. He chose not to. He had reasons not to leave, you only know what he has chosen to tell you.

It seems strange that such a high earner is a primary carer who has spent the last ten Christmases with you. It doesn't add up op. You've been played.

Just wishing you all the best in your new life as a single woman.