Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

So many thoughts here will try to get them out in some sort of logical way.

Firstly he is just not that into you,it's simple if he was he would be with you.Secondly I get so annoyed with this we just couldn't keep away from each other ,you could and can.You fancy him and have great sex ,I promise that has happened to most off us, me included but drama like this is a turn off to most people I really couldn't be arsed.

You make him out to be this wonderful guy,and maybe he does have good qualities but he has kept you second best for years ,if he loves his kids so much why did he spend their childhood having liaisons with you?

I am a single parent have been for 10 years and have worked too,you are using this as a ticket to behave really badly in the rest of your life. Telling your kids was wrong.Our kids by the nature of both our families have experienced loss and sadness ,as a woman in a similar situation to you I wouldn't dream of adding to my children's psyche such a messed up message.

You are not powerless in this ,not at all .A good man sacrifices for his family and puts them first.Saying he is doing this is not the same as actually doing it.A good man who loves you wouldn't have let you hang around like this.

As someone impartial a lot of what you are saying isn't logical you have spun a story and it has become true in your head.You need to end this where is the happiness? the joy? real belonging and togetherness? Be kind to yourself it doesn't sound like many people have been. Do the right thing you know what it is.

I don't actually wish to be negative, but after all you've written, I don't think you're going to make it. And referring to him as "your man" is really rather telling, IMO.

Good luck to you op. Remember;

he isn't your man
you've taught you children how to cheat and be cheated on
you have not been in a great relationship you have been used
he has been manipulative not loving and attentive
you have been played

keep this list to hand to help you start making better choices and ffs get some cbt or at the very least take a relate course so you can take off the rose tinted glasses.

I have to say I second the suggestion that it is about time you told his wife and let her have some choices in her life too, a letter would suffice (with any evidence if you have it because you know he is playing her too).

I knew a woman (aquaintance) whose best friend was having affair with mm, this woman told everyone she knew what a total slut her supposed bff was and how sorry she felt for the wife - all along playing best pals with ow - totally two-faced. Getting some therapy may make you re-assess all parts of your life and really you should embrace that, I suspect you have been making a lot of bad choices and hope you can turn it all around and find happiness in yourself for a change.

I am curious how you would advise your DC how to deal with affairs when they are adults? I have teenage DS & DD & I would hate either of them to settle for second best with anyone. Apart from the obvious I think the lies and secrecy would damage them as much as the betrayed person and would stop them from really living their own lives.

I am not an idealist I am single but have lovely friends who have had affairs. They suffered massive guilt which hasn't gone away. I was unfaithful to long-term partner in my twenties. It happened twice and looking back I think I subconsciously wanted to get caught. I was caught and 25 years on I remember how devastated by xbf was and I regret causing that pain.

If you would not advise your DC to do it why do you not care enough about yourself? I hear what you are saying about passion but from my experience I have seen passion when someone nurses me through ill health, loves me even though I have been a complete bitch, has a great laugh with me and listens to me when I am low. I honestly can't judge you but feel for you because you are not putting yourself first. You will get old, all going well, and you might regret those years wasted on someone who is not putting you first. Don't worry about him. Look after yourself whatever you decide to do.

I had an affair when I was young and naive. I believed all the bullshit he spun me, but it was ended uears ago. I still feel awful for the pain I caused his wife and children. I always will.

His children's teenage years will be lies when they find out. As your children will feel the same too.

Find someone who is a decent loving man. Not a cheating arsehole.

Mmm but then again, if he was that much 'into his wife' he wouldn't be doing this, no? Same for any married man or woman that has an affair?

I don't believe that affair partners don't sometimes fall in love. I know it's the preferred notion to assume that it's base and just about sex but I think that's just lashing out and choosing to believe that as some kind of 'salve'.

My friend has been through this and isn't out the other side yet. Her marriage is wobbly, his seems ok, our friendship isn't what it was. There's no doubt that affairs are not a good thing but having seen a lovely person find herself in that position, I ignore the 'stone them' comments as absurd and spiteful.

OP... as you now want to get out of this that should give you the impetus you need. There's been some good advice on this thread. Good luck and strong nerves.

OP, I really am not attacking you. I am telling you that you and I are the opposite sides of the same coin, and that we are both being used and not treated very well.

'Not to hear name calling which is rather unhelpful of you wellwobbly'

I called both of us chumps (idiots who see good in s/one who is not really that good). I didn't call you anything I didn't call myself. Pretty awful name calling innit!

"He has been selfish - he has lied to his wife."

You aren't looking at the other side of the coin - he has lied to you, too.

Sorry we are pointing out difficult things, OP.

Children can appear resilient as they have no other option. You have no idea how seeing their mother have a relationship with a married man is going to effect them in the future.

I sympathise that you are finding it hard to finish things but you aren't really are you? You haven't properly tried previously and you don't really sound like you want too.

If you do, contact him to say you no longer want to be in an affair situation with him and do not want any more contact.

You are in denial when you say your DC have not been affected. Seeing their mum as some man's bit on the side will affect them. They love you and don't want second best for you. This can only can cause sadness for them. Don't underestimate the power of children/young adults to see a situation for exactly what it is. Be kinder to yourself!

Change of number, email address ect.

If he contacts either your non the wiser..

It wont be as hard as you think. Ok you love him but love doesn't always make things right or mean they have to be.

Hope you find what your looking for.

Some people really can justify any hideous behaviour.....it's shocking.

I would recommend the no contact rule from this website if you are serious about all this.

agree that dc would be affected - two young daughters at that! they will see it as acceptable to have affairs with married men, especially as you've been quite happy rather than miserable. You have to have a serious talk with them, once you finish with him, to try to repair he damage, i.e. explain how it was a wrong choice etc.

yes, confused, I know 1-2yrs is a long time, I did say max, many mm decide faster. Not sure people are always looking for something when within wobbly marriage, in OP's case they literally were there at school gates daily so didn't have to make any effort with search. OK, it's sordid from the point of view of lies and selifishness, hurting people, but what I meant - it's not always about a bit of cheap sex or just 'being naughty', sometimes there is falling in love (and these often do end up together, as I've seen). It's not the majority though.

Op you've described a relationship which had many advantages to you as a lone parent - you make it sound initially as if you were calling the shots and you got the convenience and fulfilment of a sexual and living relationship without having the downsides of introducing a man who is not their father into your children's home. Get that, although I don't approve of the fact your partner in this is married.

But actually as you go on you reveal you have involved him in your children's lives (have they been made complicit in keeping this secret? -nice). You've also had discussion about whether he should or would leave his wife. Really it sounds like you've been living a half life with this man, contenting yourself with crumbs and pretending you aren't hungry.

When you're struggling to stick to your guns it would be a good idea to remember he's actually not all that. No doubt he is superficially charming, kind and a good shag. He also sounds weak. And he's a liar.

If you want the affair to end we can help you by telling his wife then when she finds out he'll start grovelling to go back to her ( his working ATM) and you'll see that he doesn't love you n it will all be over

Just a thought

tbm, but why should she hurt another person just because she hasn't got the inclination to stop shagging someone else's husband?

I know the wife is being cheated on but if she doesn't know then at the moment she isn't feeling hurt as such. If the OP, the OW, does tell her than she definitely will be hurt.

If two remarried people fall in love they should admit it to everyone and be together. So many mums leave violent relationships against massive odds putting themselves and DC in very tough circumstances and somehow they manage to leave. I really feel sorry for you agonising over an affair but sort it out if it's so painful. Life can be seriously tough. your OM is damaging everyone around him even if they don't know yet. I don't see him being too damaged spending Christmas day with his actual family, going on hols, meeting all family friends at celebrations, putting on the great family man face to colleagues, neighbours and everyone else. Just tell him you are leaving to see his reaction. If he leaves his wife you will know he loves you. If he doesn't you will know he doesn't.

OP - you might be distracted by the venom that's flying at you, but I think you realise that the reason you want out is that this man's awful.

Not just for the usual cheater reasons, but he's scored a few extra comedy bounder points that you've let slip.

The bit in your story where he abandons his wife and kids then rushes back when he wants nursing is hilarious.

The bit where it turns out the cold career wife is actually supporting him and his children financially is worth a giggle too.

Even when he left his family, he didn't move in with you, did he?

Thought not. You've been used. He doesn't love you, indeed never has, remotely. I don't think he loves his family either, but at least he hasn't used them as any spare hole in a storm for ten years.

Get out. You deserve a lot better than this shit - and you, unlike his poor family, can get it.

MissStrawberry I was suggesting this because I think that it would clear the air completely I wonder if she couldn't compare notes with his wife it would make her resolve stronger and allow his wife to see what a lying cheating barsteward her husband is I think she (the wife) is already very deeply hurt

Am I right in thinking that you met as he took his kids to school....did both sets of kids go to the same school? Do they know each other? Have your children had to keep this secret?

You state facts about knowing it is morally wrong but you just don't seem to feel at all guilty about either the effect on his family or the effect on your children (if you really think that you haven't normalised infidelity for them then you are stupid or extremely naive).

I am incredulous that an affair can go on for ten years, not least because of logistic reasons. If you work and have raised four children alone, let alone his commitments to his family, how have you managed to keep the affair going?

I wonder what he would do if you actually did end it and meant it and never saw him again.

I still disagree with you 100% but it is irrelevant really.

The OP needs to sort her self out.

yup and possibly under severral names?

stick y keys not just crap spelling!