Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

[Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet]

Thats true, cant argue with that

[Leavenheath]

Also, isn't it a bit rich to lambast his wife for putting her career before her husband and family and spending barely any time at home, when you say that he's in a 'high-earning' full-time career himself, but still finds the time to see his mistress 2-3 times a week and have daily contact with her for the past 10 years?

I can see only one person in that marriage who's been absent for the majority of the time, both in person and emotionally - and it's not his wife. How bloody dare you criticise a woman for earning money for her family, while not criticising a man who's also worked full time and has been spending that much time with you, his other woman. Sickening.

[shameshame]

Gehj, you HAVE to get out of this. Your post is the first step. I had a similar thread and received great advice. In summary what I took from it was:

He is lying to you. He could be with you if he wanted, no matter what his circumstances. There is nothing that would stand in his way. Do you really want a man that could be so gutless that he still hasn't made his mind up after TEN YEARS. Why is it his decision anyway? You make the move to move on.

You have wasted TEN YEARS on this guy - you could've been meeting someone worthy! Don't waste a second longer! It is tragic you have wasted so much time and energy.

It will be a bereavement for you and obviously extremely difficult but you MUST DO THIS.

When you are ready NO CONTACT is the only way to go. You have to find the strength.

Good Luck.

[scarletforya]

you are posting and venting your spleen because you may have been hurt in the past, each story is different and comes with different circumstances

Think about this statement. Look at the double standard you've applied here.

You dismiss the posts you dislike as people 'venting their spleen' and assign a reason to what you perceive as the posters anger. You decide that they (posters) are all wronged wives and so can be ignored/dismissed as not being objective and not seeing the nuance in your very, special and unique circumstances. You tar them all with the same brush.

Yet you then expect those same posters you dismissed with a stroke of your tar brush to not tar you with the same brush as every other OW, but to appreciate that each story is different and comes with different circumstances

You are the one who came on here asking how to change. Yet when people start to explore your thinking/beliefs (which is causing your actions) you baulk and question their credentials to judge you. Posters here don't have to give you any credentials. You asked for help and hard as this seems for you to believe this is the beginning of your journey out of these circumstances.

The journey starts with hard truths. Because until you forget your ego and learn about your own bias you won't be able to see the affair for what it is and you won't be able to stop it.

You mention the physical attraction between you more than once. You seem to be focused on that inparticular and you seem to believe this is a rare thing. It's not though is it. It's not hard to find mind blowing sex with any number of people. Millions in fact.

I also think that you like to believe that you have chosen this part-time-lover schtick as you are the one in control and it suited you but somewhere else you mention that you get together 2 or 3 times a week when circumstances allow. So you're just fitting it in when schedules allow, like everyone really. You want to feel you are a slick handler of him when really that's not the case. If you were really in control and just wanted sex at your convenience you'd have someone who was always available.

The point of all this armchair psychology is you are framing things to fit with a fantasy in your head. But there seems to be a lot of disparity between the way you describe them to yourself and then unwittingly reveal at other times are not so.

As I said CBT will help you get to the truth of all this and why you are making half arsed shitty choices. Once you understand that you can start to really change.

[IrisScentedCandle]

JMO but I don't think that the reason husbands don't usually leave is to do with love! I think it's to do with not wanting the upheaval or the disapproval or the bad feeling or the acrimonious divorce, or the loss of their children's respect, and seeing less of their children I reckon quite often the men 'love' (whatever that is as prince Charles would say) the OW. but what is love? 9 times out of ten it's being with somebody who makes YOU feel good about yourself, who you're attracted to who's attracted to YOU. so tbh I'd be inclined to say that it's love that's bollix. That doesn't mean I don't think that the OP shouldn't kick him to the kerb. Take it one day at a time and keep busy. I'd hate to have such a secret.

[cerealqueen]

The whys etc aside, leaving him is like giving up smoking or kicking any bad habit, if you want to enough, you will do it. Go and get your needs fulfilled elsewhere, go dating. He has somebody else, his wife. Find somebody else if that is what it will take.

[Gehj]

scarletforya It was simple for me to begin an affair as I was newly divorced. As main parent, he took his children to school and it was there we began our friendship. I was as shocked as he was when our attraction became deeper.
I don't wish to drip feed but he was also a sports coach and he coached my son and I told my children of our relationship when they were old enough to understand (they were approx aged 7-13). He has always been involved in the domestics of my family, caring and loving to my children which had only deepened my love for him.
When he tried to leave the first time, he told his wife he loved her because she was the mother of his children, but no longer in love with her. I can only assume she was happy to let him stay because he was the main carer whilst she was at work and she was not strong enough to kick him out. For whatever reasons, I agree this relationship has solely been to my benefit as well as his, as I have been on the other side of the flip coin. He has fulfilled my needs, both physically and emotionally. My children adore him and have not made a comment to me personally over the years such as "Hey mum, when are you going to get a man of your own" or such like. If they disapprove, they have not voiced their opinion as they know he has been supporting and loving to me over the years. If you deem me as selfish as he is, I accept that. I had just come out of a bitter divorce and I guess I was happy to grasp a little fun that was coming my way. As I said, I did not expect it to last more than a few days!!

[allaflutter]

if his kids are grown-up, he's free to leave isn't he, his mother isn't the issue as theoretically you could all live together. Is he staying for financial reasons? If not, then he does love his wife, so let him be.

tell him that the affair can not continue, that now the kids are grown you want and deseve a proper relationship, and if he's not willing to divorce, then tell him to stop contact and stop messing you about. If he ever were to leave his wife (in case there is no love there), it's BECAUSE you walk away and mean it. But start looking for a new man. tbh I really don't like the sound of him - spineless!

[confusedmuch]

Some of these statements are so deluded:

"They have been seeing each other for 10 years. its not a teenage romance, ,amny marriages last for less time."

no, he has been cheating on his wife for 10 years, with who knows how many women!

" Affairs begin at home"

you mean a big boy done it and run away? Stop making excuses!

" he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family"

no he just does not have the desire to!

and then all the nonsense about your man this your mm that, he is not yours - that's the whole point.

Sorry but any man is his own man and if he chooses to cheat then that is what it is - a choice - to be a dirtbag. If he or his heart belongs to anyone then that person would be his wife - who he promised to be faithful to - not the chump who is stupid enough to loiter in the wings for some chewed up leftovers.

You can dress it up anyway you want but an affair is just sordid and demeaning for everyone involved and frankly any woman who puts up with being kept a secret shame needs help.

Is that enough for you to call it quits op?

[scarletforya]

When he tried to leave the first time, he told his wife he loved her because she was the mother of his children, but no longer in love with her. I can only assume she was happy to let him stay because he was the main carer whilst she was at work and she was not strong enough to kick him out

You only have his word for what he says he 'told' his wife. Also, don't assume she was happy to let him stay because.....bla, bla, bla, yada'

How many times have we read threads on here where the husband is telling the OW a load of claptrap. The wife is a cold fish who just wants to use him for childcare and was too weak to let him go even though he didn't love her.......it's boring, predictable, a script.

Why are you believing all this stuff he says as fact!?

No offence but your/his selfishness is not the point. Forget that. The point is he's blowing a load of smoke up your arse and you're believing it!

Think about it. Read all the hundreds of threads on affairs on here. The cheaters always say the marriage is dead and portray the wife as the villian. Always.

[scarletforya]

As for all this support and emotional needs stuff he did for your kids. Wow. This man gets a lot done in a day eh!

Top earner, high flying career, his kids, his wife, you, your kids, coaching the team. Wow.

[VBisme]

You told your 7-11 year old children that you were having an affair with a MM & their coach.

And (as you haven't bothered to discuss), you expected his 11-14 year old children to look after him when he became ill.

What do you expect either set of children to take from this? There moral compass will be shot to pieces.

[allaflutter]

confused, this is not always the case in life, is it? It's not always sordid and a man doesn't always love his wife - plenty of examples where he does leave and gets married to the OW and they last, I know quite a few. BUT of course hte man is much more decisive in these cases and makes up his mind after a year or two max. People do make mistakes marrying the wrong person sometimes, and they often realise it after meeting someone else - yes, it's horrid, but happens to many younger people especially.
I just hate these weak men who set up these cosy scenarios for themselves while both women are hoping for something (or the wife doesn't even know). And then they wine how they want to be good to all involved so they can't decide .

[VBisme]

Apologies "their moral compass will be shot to pieces".

I hope to god my kids never meet any of them, it's the fact that you have no shame about what you're doing........

Your ex must have really hurt you.

[MissStrawberry]

OMG I really think you need help. How can you not know it is totally inappropriate to tell your kids you are shagging their coach and let him be in their lives on a personal level?

[Hashtagwhatever]

I was with you op until I read you told your dc about the mm how odd.

[Gehj]

I'm not choosing to accept nor disapprove of anyones post. I've seen posters on here who have received such hard hitting comments that they have closed down their thread because they are too vulnerable to deal with them. I'm listening hard to each of your comments and I am taking on board what you say. The reason I chose to ask advice on here was to hear impartial advice as all my friends just take it for granted his existence and our relationship. They have always been supportive. If I'm honest, my intentions to end the affair have never worked before probably because I was too busy enjoying the benefits it brings. Yes, great sex, chat, laughter, support. Yes, it was hard to give all that up. I have also kept up my own social life and so i didn't see it as a problem.
irisScented, everything you have said in your post is the reason why I never asked him to leave after his first attempt (was his own choice). It caused so much hurt all round to his family, that I was happy for him to stay as I didn't see it as a problem. He has never once let me down and as I was busy bringing up my young family, I didn't want the added complications a step-parent would bring. Selfish? Yes, but I am not the first person to begin a relationship for ones own needs. Ten years is a long time and during this time, our own personal needs and desires have changed over the years. I no longer need him (as i viewed the relationship in the early stages to bring excitement to my life after divorce) but that doesn't stop me loving him.
Incidentally, Im an ex-smoker and found it easy to stop because I wanted to. I am not a quitter and will do my utmost to be as strong now as I was then

[VBisme]

Not sure what advice you need, you clearly think you've got it sorted.

Well done you

[Wahla]

But his wife was not bothered whether he was in love with her or not and only wanted him for the childcare as she was never around then surely they could have divorced? He could be the RP, thus maintaing the same level of childcare and she would see the kids as much as she ever did.

Win, win with the added bonus that nobody is scuttling around telling dirty little lies anymore and you get your guy.

Unless it's all a load of twaddle of course. But he wouldn't lie though, would he? At least not to you. I mean he may well to lie to his wife because he loves her but isn't in love with her and everybody knows that if you are in love it becomes physically impossible to lie .

Wake up OP, he has led round by the nose for ten years. If you truly want to move on from him then you need to see him for what he is. A cheat and a liar, nothing less and certainly nothing more.

[confusedmuch]

That bit about your kids also made me squirm op, really what an utter sleaze you have wasted a decade on and polluted your children with, he sounds rank.

flutter, this may be seen as old-fashioned but I think someone who is married should not be looking in the first place and marriage is about more than love!

Sure sometimes people marry the wrong person, or decide to be elsewhere - in which case they should finish their marriage before starting something else. I know it doesn't always work out that way but the majority of affair threads on mn seem to suggest that cheaters cheat until they get caught and quite often it is just for the 'excitement' factor (so it would seem from the ow here too!) which means actually the subject is not love at all but deceit and the drama that goes along with it.

Regardless of the circumstances (and yes drunken slips will happen) there has to be an acceptance of responsibility from all involved in purposefully deceiving someone in this manner, particularly with regard to a long term affair. You say a year or two like it is nothing, if someone is going home and lying to their husband or wife for that length of time then they are at best deluded about the harm they are doing and at worst purposefully causing harm by being manipulative and duplicitous. Who wants to be with someone like that? For that reason I call this behaviour for what it is, sordid;


sor·did
adjective
1.morally ignoble or base; vile: sordid methods.
2.meanly selfish, self-seeking, or mercenary.
3.dirty or filthy.
4.squalid; wretchedly poor and run-down: sordid housing.

[Gehj]

VBisme I clearly needed advice or I wouldn't have asked. I have received lots of advice and will put it into practice.
hashtag, i told my children, rightly or wrongly, as they were asking questions as to why he was having coffee in my home and spending time with me. I didn't make myself clear, I told the eldest two who were 13 and 12. Children are very resilient and this did not affect them in anyway. To them, he merely became a family friend.

[confusedmuch]

"He has never once let me down"

op I thought you said you wanted him to leave his wife, and he hasn't, so isn't that letting you down?

You've been his secret shame for a decade, is that not letting you down?

If you were my friend I would tell you that no woman deserves this level of doormatting!

[VBisme]

"He has never once let me down"

Well he hasn't left his wife, but then you let him down in a BIG way by not supporting him when he was ill after he left his wife.

What I don't get in all this is why you've suddenly decided to end it.

If I were you I'd focus on building your relationship with your kids and trying to ensure that they understand what a normal loving monogamous relationship is (although I think they are too old now).

[Wahla]

Ah ok, so you never actually wanted a relationship with him... except you keep talking about him leaving or not leaving his wife which suggests to me that you are rationalising your feelings in order to minimise the feelings of rejection that are inevitable after ten years of wasted life and love (and not just your own).

You gave up the fags because you realised that you were hurting yourself and those you loved with your actions. This is no different OP - when you come to terms with that, then you will be able to leave this black hole of a relationship behind. As said above, get some therapy and work on your feelings of self worth.

[Gehj]

I think the emphasis of my part in this affair is clear. I have no doubt that he has lied to his wife - I haven't said otherwise.
I have been selfish - he has fulfulled my needs.
He has been selfish - he has lied to his wife.
I'm not deluded - I agree with majority of your comments.
I was stuck on how to let go. How to give up what I saw and has been a great relationship for the last ten years but I'm stronger now my children have grown up, I want more from life.
I haven't got it all sorted. My children are now aged 16-21 and are all grounded and have not been effected (I don't think) by my affair.
He has been loving and attentive and yes, I don't know he has managed to live a double life thus far either.
I am happy to update some time in the future and hopefully I will be rid of my man.