Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

Can't help it - perhaps a counsellor will get you out of your head. Because you've got it all sewn up up there but the evidence suggests otherwise.

I find your self-assurance trying tbh. No wonder you donked everyone on the head who didn't agree with you. A bit of self-doubt might not go amiss OP. I honestly don't know if you're going to be able to bear the truth because it will tip all your self-assurance into the mud. I hope - not maliciously - that's beginning to happen.

If you end up in a legit relationship, you'll know all the tricks. You won't for one minute be able to rest because you will know exactly what cheating bastards get up to. You will also have a very good idea of the mindset of the person who is complicit in what he may, or may not, be doing.

From a research pov it has been interesting to see the workings of an OW - an unrepentant, selfish OW (oh, hang on, that's tautology). An OW who justifies herself to the very hilt, and then some. It has been agonising reading - and I'm not even a betrayed wife. I know that betrayed wives on MN have said they have found this thread unbearable to read.

However, I'm not sure you do represent all OW. I think a lot get caught and know on some level that it's wrong.

If you call his wife - how do you have her number? - because he has turned up then you will come across as vindictive. She has not done anything wrong to you and you have no business contacting her. Clearly you also had no business shagging her husband but surely you already know that.

Why some of you suggest OP to contact his wife? Do you think things will get better. A tragedy could develop as a result of it. Just walk away and that it. Do not even scare him by telling you would contact his wife. Just finish it and that it. some of you either naive or want to add some oil into the flame.

Clearly you also had no business shagging her husband but surely you already know that.

I'm not sure she does Strawberry

What is it with the late comebacks??
I could stay on here forever and say I'm sorry, I regret it, I was wrong but still, someone will always come up with a comment that will relight the thread.
MissStrawberry, read the posts and facts. I do not have any plans, nor will I be contacting her.
I know she hasn't done anything wrong.
Springytats Yes, I had no business involving myself in a sexual relationship with her husband and i Do know it.

It seems just when the thread has nothing more to say, someone else will pipe up with something that has either been discussed or say something that I've already agreed with. If I ignore the answer, someone will say OP why haven't you answered. If I agree with you, i'm not being genuine.

OP, you aer not going to please all posters - it's impossible. Just go, and good luck with ending with the guy as easily as possible, but if he does leave his wife now that dc are grown, please don;t rush imnto any decisions.

My dear, you have thrown in a hand grenade. People feel very strongly about this sort of thing.

It's not your thread btw. Yes you started it but you're not in control of what happens to it, it doesn't belong to you. You have said some truly outrageous things - without breaking stride - and posters are just going to have to say their piece, spluttering as they go.

Take it on the chin. you deserve it tbf. don't be lecturing people, thinking you have a leg to stand on - because you don't.

springytats I was trying to give her a little bit of credit that she wasn't 100% as she comes across.

OP, at 13.21 you said you told him you would call his wife if he turned up. As for the late comebacks you can 't dictate when people will reply to a thread and once you post it becomes public property and someone could very well post on this in 6 months time. This is a global site and some people will be reading and replying while you are asleep. This will run and run and that is partly because you don't seem to get it at all. If you had said you knew you were wrong to start an affair, involve your kids and were sorry then you would probably had had a whole different set of replies.

I wasn't thinking she should be told to be spiteful. I was just thinking that now matter how ugly, I personally, would want to know the truth. I used to work in a company where a senior person was having an affair with anther senior person. They had been caught in the act on a few occasions and the gossip was rife!

The senior mans wife also worked at this company and it seemed she was the only one who didn't know. She did find out later and was utterly devastated.

Anyway, that was obviously the wrong thing to suggest. I apologise for that.

OP, I hope your children are oblivious to his absence from your lives and I wish you well. good luck and I hope you succeed in cutting all ties.

OP, some people only read the first post, and perhaps a few more of the op's posts, and then they respond. So their responses are not necessarily right up to date. You can read them, think about what they're saying and maybe respond - generally if a change of heart has occurred and conciliatory reply goes down better than a complaint. Or you can ignore them. Either way is fine.

Your thread is quite long and atm a bit notorious on MN, so people are coming to this thread a bit late because not everyone MN's at the weekend. And most people don't really have time to read over 300 posts.

I am sure you are strong enough to take it, though.

I expect wife knows nothing because op is only going on what dirtbag told her and she knows wife very well and sees her all the time but says nothing about being regularly spat on by wife!

So wife must know but does nothing and gives no clue that she knows .

I think not and I also think regardless of the crap that will ensue the poor woman has a right to know and make her own decision about who she wants in her life. I hope she is reading this and working it out.

It must be so rewarding to be the woman who has sloppy seconds, who's partner has 'not really been that into her' for 10 years, to never be able to plan any kind of shared life, to know your perfect partner loves another woman far more than he loves you, to know your partner sees you as a cheap shag and no more than that, to gobble up love scraps as if it's the real deal. Your relationship with this man is as shit as shit can be by definition. One day you will be the wife (not with him, that's for sure) and I hope some deluded little upstart shags your husband, that is bound to happen by the way because like attracts like. What a depressing post and think you'll not get much sympathy here on mn.

agree confused. It will blow up when she finds out, and I couldn't give a toss what it looks like the op is doing it for, the woman has a right to know!!

Jeez, if anyone knows me in RL and I have a long term DP that is having an affair, PLEASE tell me, be you the OW or not. I don't want to live in a lie!!!

I think Gehj IS thinking about all this stuff. To be honest? For me it would be nice if 'my' OW, you know, the one that knowingly colluded in my betrayal, emotional and sexual abuse, indicated a fraction of Gehj's acknowledgements.

Good luck OP and let us know what happens.

As a random aside, for anyone who is/was an OW: do you wonder about the wife the way the wife wonders about you? It's just that the woman involved in my DH's affair sort of cyber stalks me.... still. She views my linked in regularly.... that kind of thing. I don't much like it, but on the other hand at least I know she is doing it. It would probably be worse to be paranoid about it without proof.

I wish someone could tell the wife about your cheap and dirty affair. Of course women can have it all. What about the house wives who get cheated on? Ladies if you can have a career and support your children. Good on you. Don't let some uninspiring cheating cow make you feel guilty. No woman deserves to be cheated on, career woman or not.

This is absolutely fascinating. My XH had occasional bouts of amnesia when it came to his wedding vows, although strangely was desperate to stay married when it finally came down to it (years ago, have been happily remarried for ages - he's on this 4th partner)

I totally blamed him for the affairs, but I did always wonder how his 'diversions' justified it to themselves.

Now I think I know. There's just a 'bit' missing. Not sure what exactly it is, but a lack of something. Empathy, conscience, soul, something.
Rather sad really ...

There are elements of your OP that read like ad copy -- 'How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of', for instance.

You were surprised that the whole thing lasted 10 years. You expected to dip your feet for a little fun and then move on?

You sound very shallow tbh.

You are going to go through grief and also some soul searching before you will be able to move on. The soul searching should ideally involve some examination of why you think you are entitled to fun at the expense of someone else's happiness (we all get one go at this life after all) and also why it was so easy for your lover to string you along for so long.

You gave ten years of your life for something very insubstantial and something that you show you yourself perhaps incapable of appreciating in your OP (that ad copy). A relationship isn't a commodity or something consisting of elements that can be assessed or graded - passion, whatever.

You are only going to get one bite at this cherry too. Get counselling to try to understand why you wasted so much of your time and energy on something completely insubstantial and essentially unreal, and to be very old fashioned about it, do some penance (because it isn't all about you and you injured others in these ten years of addiction).

A friend of my mothers started off like you. She was divorced, "fell" into a relationship with a man who was married with a son. He claimed he couldn't leave until his son was older as it would destroy the family. And so it went on. For years. And years. She has now been his mistress for over 30 years. His son is grown up and he has grandchildren. They are in their 60s and he still is with his wife and seeing her on the side.

She has settled for a part time relationship with a liar and a cheat. She never had her own children. She still lives alone in her flat. She tries to fill her spare time now she is retired with hobbies and friends - most of whom are couples who feel sorry for her.

She sees him twice a week and they snatch the occasional weekend away. What a waste of life.

But the worst thing was when he got sick.

She had no idea what happened. He just stopped answering his phone. Because you see, the people who were called by the hospital were his REAL family - his wife, son and grandchildren. She had no idea what had happened to him, she couldn't go to him in the hospital because his wife was by his bedside. She eventually found out through a mutual friend and got infrequent updates on his state of health.

He did recover. But now she knows what will happen when he dies. She will be waiting for news like any other acquaintance. The person who will be by his bed, the person who will be sitting in the funeral car, the person who will be comforted by his loved ones will be his WIFE. Not her. Never her.

She will be alone, unremarked, unremebered, just a dirty, shameful secret that, please God, his family never discovers.

How sad. Perhaps this is what waits for you.

Maybe remembering my mums poor friend will help you resist when you want to get back in touch. Breaking away is so hard but not as hard as what she has ended up with. :(

That's bloody grim. :(

I feel sorry for everyone in that scenario except the husband.

OP

I'm fairly neutral over this whole thing - I'm not going to judge you.

But you might like to think about what appears to be a lack of self control in your behaviour?

I'd noticed how you keep coming back to this thread even though you say you are leaving it.

Sounds familiar? See any parallels?

Maybe you need to work on that aspect of your personality which will enable you to make the change you say you want.