Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

I agree with math that the OP presented a 2-dimensional picture in her OP and that it is a good description to say that the words she chose and the imagery she portrayed smacked of an ad campaign. We do like (need?) to tell ourselves stories. I genuinely think this is exactly the story she has told herself all along, which almost sounds like a Jilly Cooper novel. There is, imo, something curiously dated about it.

I can't help wondering if she strung it along for 10 years because she enjoyed being in charge (re not having him come to live with her when he had left his wife and was ill) and 'enjoyed' doing to someone else what had been done to her - re payback. It would be fair to say that OP has despised and blamed the wife. Which could point to whether the shock and trauma of being cheated on (and losing her marriage) has been properly addressed. It may be clumsy to say, but perhaps she despises and blames herself for her husban'ds adultery and abandonment of the family home - perhaps, even, for not being able to keep him? Jilly Cooper again.

From what I remember, the OP's kids were very much involved in the relationship OP was having with this MM. Which imo just goes to show how far out you can go when you are living and believing a constructed story.

There's an awful lot of mind-reading going on here and I can't see what it achieves, really.

The only people who know how they feel/felt are the people involved. Anything else is conjecture.

If the OP's first post read like an ad ( and that's a personal opinion- it's pretty subjective stuff) then I'd suggest it was because she was trying to convey how happy this relationship had made her for a while.

Her experience is not uncommon. I have had friends in her situation. I have not judged them and know that anything they wrote on a forum would not truly represent their circumstances.

There are numerous reasons why women- and men- hang on in what seem unsatisfactory or even 'immoral' ( to onlookers) circumstances. The simple facts are that they are getting more out of it- whatever that may be- than they would by ending it. But then the scales tip for some reason and they want out. As the OP found, this is hard, because almost all relationships- however flawed- involve emotional intimacy- especially after 10 years.

The OP IMO asked for help in breaking her attachment. I doubt she is still reading, and I am sure she won't post again, but I hope she manages to make a new life for herself.

Missbobeep. I agree with all your posts on this thread.

The person mindreading is YOU, Bopeep! Math is way, way wiser than you are.

1. you told math what she meant. Maths is a veteran of the trenches and she knows what she is talking about.
2. you told the OP that she was [some outlandish conclusion I can't be bothered to remember] because she said she was going and then she came back. Have you never removed yourself from a tense situation? This is OPs thread!
3. Now you are telling people they are projecting. Look in the mirror love.
4. Now you are an expert because you have 'friends!' If it is you, own it. If it really IS friends, that does not make you an expert.
5. Unless you yourself have been an OW or betrayed, in other words you have been part of the triangle, you are no expert. Do not presume to tell people who have lived in that triangle, what they know or do not know.
6. Do not tell me what I am doing or not doing. If you read carefully, I have never spoken to OP with anything other than courtesy which I am sure she would vouch for if she was still around. I am actually extremely interested in what she has to say and in her journey, so don't tell me what I think or feel.

'There are numerous reasons why women- and men- hang on in what seem unsatisfactory or even 'immoral' ( to onlookers) circumstances. The simple facts are that they are getting more out of it- whatever that may be- than they would by ending it.'

That makes it OK, then. 'I want, therefore I shall have'.

Terrifyingly narcissistic. But then, infidelity is a narcissistic act. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. My need to feel good is WAY more important than anything else, stop getting hung up on deceit and betrayal, lighten up! Getting what I want is more important than hurting people. Role modelling that not even Daddy can be trusted, that life is hugely unsafe, to children -

You don't get it at all, Bopeep.

Hello, I hope I won't be slated for returning and it be an indication of my behaviour (ie. saying something she doesn't mean; a pattern of her behaviour etc), I have kept up with each post and words can't express how contacting this thread has affected me deeply.

It has and given me the insight to question my actions and behaviour. The thought provoking key words and issues that have arisen and been thrashed out - I have researched and learned of their definition. I've been blown away by the direction you have led me.

Collectively, you have managed to CORRECTLY describe my personality trait and why I have behaved without showing empathy and having no moral compass. I know without your knowledge and input, I would never have come to the conclusion I have, except of course, without the help of a counsellor.

The key words were:

Addictive nature and behaviours - defined by excessive repetitive use of pleasurable activity to cope with unmanageable, internal conflict, pressure and stress

(I enjoyed the immense support of the OM to help ease the stress of single parenthood and I relied on him emotionally; his support has been invaluable)

Compartmentlisation (I have known from a young age I have been able to use this coping mechanism) and described it as 'putting horrible and uncomfortable experiences in boxes' so that I would never have to return to them. Ultimately, it meant that I wasn't dealing with nor accepting of the situation (in my case, my divorce and childhood issues)

Aslo Defined as: may lead to hidden vulnerabilities in those who use it as a major defence mechanism.
avoids moral responsibility and has double standards.
using denial or indifference to protect against any indications of contradictory evidence

Being pragmatic and Self-Split affairs (a lengthy article but would definitely wipe out at least 2 visits to a Counsellor!)

The reason I preferred the OM to live in rented accommodation rather than my home (3yrs into the relationship), was because I knew I didn't have the strength to cope with the emotional trauma that leaving his family would bring. I wanted to protect my children from emotinal upheaval having withnessed the hurt my own divorce caused them. I was also afraid of the relationship breaking down and knew it would be easier to deal with if we weren't living under the same roof.

I have however, questioned many times, my lack of empathy having been through the same myself and always wondered why his wife never played any part in my choice to continue with the affair, knowing it was wrong.
I thought at the time it was because she worked long hours, had a hobby that took up many hours away from the family home, and subconsciously thought; if shes either at work or indulging in her hobby away from the family home, her marriage isn't something for me to waste time thinking about.

springytats, I really do not blame his wife whatsoever. I now accept the affair was brought upon through OMs actions and my acceptance of his reasoning behind it.

Only now, can I see, every excuse I made was twisted to enable us to continue the affair without feeling guilty i.e her absence from the family home, long hours at work.

I have also since Googled articles re addictive relationships and ours is definitely a prime example.

I have known of the above on a surface level, but never have I DEFINED their meanings. So, I thank you for your invaluable insight and setting me on the right path to what I hope will enable me to break free from this destructive relationship.

oh gosh, leaking here. OP, bless you. Well done, really well done.

wobbly I have only a couple of things to say to you- unless you have some kind of superior intelligence, and RL experience of math ( or me) you are not qualified to say who is wisest based on a few MN posts. What a daft comment to make.

Second, you'd do well to have a little self awareness as you come over here at least as rather 'know it all' and just a little bit snappy.

Pots and kettles, people who live in glass houses..... think on that.

Jesus gehj! Your response was a bigger shock than when Susan Boyle first opened her gob on BGT! I wish you all the best in your search for a new fulfilling honest relationship.

I do want to say however, that despite the words I choose (ad copy?), I used that metaphor because i thought it would enable me to keep first post short (no other meaning intended), that our relationship was not based purely on sex despite my description being its as intense today as the first day we met. After ten long years, I am only too aware of all his negative points, personality traits and I do not define him as perfect. I believe we have grown with each other and I viewed this relationship as nothing but meaningful, compassionate and loving. Of course, there were many times we argued about one thing or other, like any married couple and our relationship could NEVER be described as all sweetness and roses like has been suggested.
Despite the reasons being wrong why we were together, and the hurt we caused to others, and the excuses and lies we were a part of - it does not wipe out the last ten years and turn what we had into something shambolic.
It is only when one chooses to LEAVE the relationship, that then it can be viewed as being destructive and emotionally damaging to us both.

Bo, put a sock in it love.

OP. ah well, births are a struggle - you think it's coming, then it slips back. You have a lot to face and it stands to reason you will struggle to trash the whole thing. It's been 10 years, after all.

It sounds like you want to end it. So end it. If you wait to long you will be too old to find someone else (if you want to find someone else). Or keep it up but see other (single) men at the same time unless and until one of those others seems a good bet. In other words make it fairer - your current man is not exclusive to you and has his wife so just make it fair - you see others too and then see what happens.

I don't see why people should give bopeep a hard time. Her views are perfectly plausible too. And I don't believe there is any hierarchy of posters.

Well done OP - it must be painful to look 'the monster' in it's face, many people are not brave enough. Your courage is laudable. I wish you well on your journey to 'real' happiness.

Mixxy, your post made me so much. Thank you.
With three teenagers and one young adult, I'm up there with the best of the young Mums regarding music and aspirations. I'm not ready for the couch and slippers just yet 78bunion and you're never too old to find love.
Wahla, thank you for you kind words.

Despite the reasons being wrong why we were together, and the hurt we caused to others, and the excuses and lies we were a part of - it does not wipe out the last ten years and turn what we had into something shambolic.
It is only when one chooses to LEAVE the relationship, that then it can be viewed as being destructive and emotionally damaging to us both.

OP I agree with the first part of this, but not the 2nd.

What you had was never sustainable in its current form. It never is with affairs- either one party is found out, or someone decides they have had enough, or one party gives ultimatums.

Do you not think that the emotional damage and destructiveness of this was always there- it was just hiding? And now you are facing the end of it, you are aware of how much has been wasted- your emotional energy over 10 years? As you said, you were good at compartmentalising it all- something that men are often better at than women. Now you are being forced to see the bad- not just the good. And for 10 years it was mainly the 'good' you focused on.

I really advise you to see a counsellor - for one, they won't judge you or talk about the 'morality' of it - you'll have non-judgemental support so you can work through all your emotions- without the battering you have got here some of the time.

MissBopeep It is only when one chooses to LEAVE the relationship, that then it can be viewed as being destructive and emotionally damaging to us both

What I mean is: I couldn't SEE the damage nor think of it as anything other than Good until I withdrew from the relationship.

I.E during my marriage, I experienced a lot of unhappiness for one reason or another. It wasn't until I withdrew from my marriage that I was able to see where the problems lay. What I thought was my husband being a controlling grump is actually now classed as Emotional Abuse.

EA wasn't heard of so extensively as it is today. Women are becoming less accepting of their partners/husbands abusive behaviour as they were during the 60s. I have discussed this with many of my ''older' friends who have said 'That's just the way is was back then!'.

I begged my late Mother to leave my Father due to his Emotional and Physical abuse but she didn't have the strength to do so. As a result of my upbringing, I vowed no man would ever treat me that way. But.... I did allow my husband to be Emotionally abusive towards me during the four short years we were married because I actually didn't recognise it at the time!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing .

Oh Dear! I've rather revealed more than I ever planned to but I guess this is what's called 'Counselling by MN' and goes some way to explaining what I've learned about myself in the last 36hrs .

You've just had 10 years of it, too

aah- I see now. I did wonder at the time of posting if that was what you meant.

I'm not a counsellor, but I have several friends/colleagues connected with my work who are. We talk though not about clients of course. I also have a close friend- my best mate really- who has been on the receiving end of infidelity recently, and with a DH who is emotionally abusive, and is in counselling. One thing that has come out of this for her, is how the emotional and physical abuse her mum suffered, has left my friend as a 'people pleaser' and someone who , although incredibly strong in many ways, has been left with a certain amount of insecurity in relationships and a lack of self worth - partly due to living with a violent father, and witnessing her parents acrimonious divorce.

Given your background, I'd suggest again that you really do find a good counsellor because you too are repeating the cycle of emotional abuse ( with your ex) and appear to show some amount of a lack of self worth by staying in a long term affair.

It really would be worth exploring all of this with a professional.

*Wellwobby" thank you. I don't think I would have had the courage to return If I hadn't read your post.
I feel totally wrung out like a dish cloth and have 'thought of nothing else' these past few days, my head hurts and my children actually think their Mum is engaged in some on-line dating!!

OP, I really wish you well for the future, for you and your DC.

good Luck and I hope ou find happiness and that you can lay your demons to rest.

Take care.

OP good luck.

Wobbly don't tell me to go away. I have as much right as anyone- including you- to add my comments. Do you honestly think you can bully me off the thread?

Get a life and stop spending so much time advising people on relationships- unless of course you have professional training which I very much doubt from your misjudged replies.

OP. I too was determined not to end up with a man like my father, who is a MCP who is EA to my mum. She only found the courage to stand up to him when we were teenagers and told her to carry on being a doormat if she wanted but we were going to stand up to him. ( me and DB)

Through counselling I have identified several issues that I have as a result of the way my dad treated my mum and us.

I am glad that wobblys advice has helped you. She does know what she is talking about... I think you realise now how destructive you have been to yourself out of self preservation. It's not easy but you can build a life for yourself and be free to meet a man who is free to be with you in a proper relationship that doesn't need to be a secret.