Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

Gehj, I am not trying to 'jump on the band wagon' but it isn't about the fact that you have brought up four children (so have I), it isn't even the fact that you have a respectable job (so do I). It's none of those things.

You cannot justify your doings by the fact that you have brought up a family single-handedly.

I think you need to withdraw from this man, slowly. I don't think making any rash decisions will make for success. You've been with this man for a decade, you won't be able to erase him from your life that quickly. And regardless of what other posters have said, you were in a relationship with this man, OP.

Take things one day at a time. Realise that it is going to take a lot of emotionaly energy to move away from this man's charms. It will take a lot of heartbreak and a lot of resolve.

Good luck and I really hope you find what is needed to completely move away from this man.

x

Perfect post Pagwatch

I'm trying hard not to be judgy but I don't know how you've lived with yourself for a full decade! The guy was married, off limits, with small children when you began this affair. If the vile man at the centre of this couldn't say no, you should have! How would you feel if you were his wife? He should, if he really wanted to be with you, have done things properly ie. come clean with his wife, divorced, looked after the kids financially/ maintained a relationship with them etc, then started a relationship with you. You've wasted ten years on a total arsehole who thinks it's okay to shit all over his wife and kids. What a catch, not!

Pagwatch I do see it was a wrong choice and I accept I should have had the courage to stop this before it all started. I hope I will be able to return here in a few months (years?) with a more positive update. I guess what has made my thread more damning than others is the length of time involved.
I had no intention of returning to this thread this morning, as allaflutter mentioned, there is only so much you or I can discuss.
I will take with me what has been written, and remain positive that I can change my life around.
Thank you for taking the time to post.

Gehj, as much as I disagree with your choices and... I don't know what to say, choices? Well anyway, you get my point.

Would you consider counselling for yourself? If nothing else, a therapist can help you stay away for good without temptation being 'a stones throw away' like crack for a drug addict. They can turn you off your addiction completely, which is in everyone's best interest, especially you and your oldest daughter.

A counsellor's job is to work towards helping you to face reality. You've had that on here for free.

imo you would have no trouble dropping him with horror if you faced what has really been going on for a decade.

Do not tell his wife in any case. She might know about your affair but she might not. 10 years is a long affair but for some couples even one short affair would be enough to break up the marriage. Just sort it out with him without involving his wife. Why do not you start meeting up with friends, do some charity work, go to the gym. Just stay busy and have no time for him. You are single but he is not. For the sake of his wife and children he should not have let this affair to have happened. He blames her work. That just a poor excuse. My DH works long hours and often comes home late and I know he is at work because of the nature of his job but I do not have an affair.
If your do not own a house you could simply find another one.If your children ask why, you could make things up. Be careful with his obsession. Men sometimes go crazy because of their selfishness.

Good luck gehj. Counselling would be good. I saw one a few months after H ended his affair as my self-confidence and the view I had of myself was in my boots . I think a good counsellor would help you over the transition.

Special, yes of course, I would consider counselling. I have proved I am strong-willed by returning to this thread and have taken responsibility for my actions. I truly wish if someone had directed me to the SELF SPLIT AFFAIR theory, I would have tried a LITTLE HARDER to remove myself from the situation.
I have learned so much and I agree that I was using my Single parent status as an excuse, like I deserved a little help along the way (which he provided)....
I have more than excused my behaviour, as the more I thought my children were successful in school and thereafter, that it wasn't affecting their well being.
I now SEE that his wife not being at home was an excuse to excuse MY behaviour and my reasoning to continue.
I see now that every reason I came up with to excuse MY affair was caused by either OM or me. Before this thread, that had never entered my mind.
I think my main reasoning for continuing with the affair for so long, was because I knew for a long time, she was unaware of its existence. It was only the latter few years that I began thinking, how have we got away with this for so long.
For the past couple of years, I feel that she has known and has turned a blind eye because she has her work, which she loves, and also her hobby which takes her out of the home and involves long hours.
In the early stages, part of me wanted the affair to be revealed for my own personal benefit but towards the end, I knew it would be messy and cause hurt to all parties so I'm thankful it has remained secret to his wife and family and I don't see why it should ressurect itself in the future.
If it does, that will be something I guess I deserve and will deal with.

What concerns me more than anything about the issues I've been faced with is that 'I don't feel I lack self-esteem' nor feel that I 'deserved more' because I enjoyed what I had. Not once during this time did I feel I deserved better because I was happy.
I hope counselling can answer those questions for me.
I think I can now answer my own theory in that I was happy with the positives he brought to my relationship because I guess I didn't have to deal with the mundane domestics a marriage brings which is probably why I didn't want to commit earlier on after three years. (My children then were aged 11, 10, 8 and 7 and I knew I didn't want the added burden of a new relationship in their lives) which is why I kept it separate. It was at this time when he left into rented accommodation, my children were told of our relationship.
I'm sorry to say, at no time have I ever been questioned about my actions by friends or family (except my Mother!) and that's why I am grateful for the past 36hrs. I have been challenged to the hilt and for the first time ever, I have been made to THINK how and why this has been allowed to continue.

OP, how have you broached this with your DC. This man has been a big part of their lives for so long. This is bound to affect them in the same way as if you were married to him and suddenly decided on no contact.

These things do ALWAYS come out. No matter what! When it does, the wife and their DC's illusion of their family unit will be shattered and they will all be left questioning everything and analysing every little detail of their existence as a unit.

I think the only way to move on from this would be to tell the truth. For both you and your 'lover' to deal with the fall out now so that his wife and their children can deal with it and hopefully move on and build the rest of their lives on the truth rather than lies.

I'm sure this won't be a popular suggestion but I'd rather deal with 10 years of lies rather than find out after 20 or 30 years and then look back and regret my life.

I truly feel very sorry for the wife and both sets of children in this.

OP, I can't understand how you can have felt 'truly' happy and experienced that emotion without ever having felt the almost opposite emotion of sadness that you and he were putting his wife and family through the same hurt that your ex put you through?

If you felt truly happy, then I can't believe that you have seen the last 10.5 years through rosé tinted glasses?

I really hope you can get some help with counselling as it really does sound like you have suppressed a lot of your emotions in an attempt o make the best of things.

I can't say I understand you or your actions but I hope you can get some help for this.

mumat39, I have not discussed my relationship with OM with my children on any level. He has never slept overnight in my home nor had an evening meal. They have been involved with him as a family friend, i.e he would have coffee at mine, do DIY, speaks to them on a level of a friend, uncle etc. I don't think his absence from my life will bother them tbh because they are at the stage of developing their own love lives and interests and are not heavily involved in mine.
I also think (having not been exposed now), that the chances of this affair coming to the fore for his family are very slim. Unless OM suddenly professes its me he wants and leaves her to be with me!!! Even then, I think he would say, our marriage isn't working and I want to leave.
I don't think he would bring me into the equation to save hurting her more than necessary.
If this was to happen and we did get together, of course she would put 2 and 2 together and say, we were having an affair all along. But as its been said many a time, if he really wanted me long term, he would have left by now so I don't even think about it.

OP

I hope you can now start to move on.

My advice is not to cause more hurt by telling anyone. Put it behind you, accept your behaviour was 'questionable' at best, and pretty shabby at worst, and resolve to stop and not go back.

You are worth more whether you think it now or not because all you ever had was half measures from a man who would not commit to you.

I really hope that you are seeing the light now, and that it is genuine rather than to quieten the thread. If it is, good luck. Personally I would say tell her. With it a secret, her life is a lie, a sham. I would prefer the hurt and chaos of the bust up than that if I were her. I think it incredibly unfair to leave her never knowing.

glam I can genuinely say, before this thread, I have never questioned my life with him. I may be strong-willed but thankfully, I am also always willing to listen and enjoy learning (education teaches you that). I am amazed at what I have gleaned from this thread and it has managed to get through to me. That's why I was annoyed earlier on, when posts kept saying... 'you're not listening' or 'she is ignoring what we're saying'.
The only thing I don't wish to do for sure is follow the the advice of telling her. I don't see how that will help her or her children.
Two of her children have already left home and set up home for themselves and the emphasis is now on the parents to make what they will of their existing marriage without my presence (I will never know for sure if she knew or not).

It wouldn't help. It would force her hand and whether intend to or not, it would appear vengeful and spiteful. Don't do it.

If you do want to go no contact, then makeit clear you will tell his wife if he turns up on your doorstep. Do you know her email address? If I was you, I'd now, calmly, write an email to her explaining your affair, the history, the length of relationship - no emotion or anger, just details. save it in your drafts without her email address in it (to avoid accidentally sending it). If he does turnup after being told to stay away, put in her address and send to her.

That way you aren't writing it when angry/emotional - but that will end it one way or another. Even if he convinces her it's all crap, he might just be angry enough at you to not want anything else to do with you - so the relationship will end. Or his wife will throw him out - but then your relationship won't be an affair anymore, and I dont think you really will enjoy the relationship if it's dull day to day not snatched moments of excitment, so it'll end again shortly afterwards.

However, do you really want to end this situation? Because for over 10 years you haven't actually done that. When he left his wife and returned to her, you didn't then try to get him to leave again once he was well, you encouraged the situtation to continue.

I know several woman who've been OWs and I don't think it's not wanting to 'do that to her' or reluctance to be seen as 'vindictive' that's stopping you telling his wife about the affair - I think it's because it will give a finality that's out of your control to it. Right now, he wants you, he wants to keep the relationship going - you are ending it, you are blocking him, you are certain he's going to come running to beg you to take him back. Can your ego cope with the idea that you might do something that annoys him so much that he decides he doesn't actually want you anymore? Is what's stopping you properly ending it because you don't want to feel like he's fine without you? Right now, the drama is still there, this big ending of the love affair. But if you tell his wife, the drama will continue, but suddenly you won't be in the centre of it anymore. You'll be cut out and single. Do you really want that?

I've been a long time reader of 'agony aunt' columns for decades- and this forum is an amateurs' version of that.

The overall feeling of 'agony aunts' including a few who I respect- eg Bel Mooney-is that you should NEVER tell.

It will do no good. If HE wants to tell, so be it- that is his choice .

It never does any good to interfere in someone else's marriage- and although that may sound a bit 'rich' in the case of a 10 year affair, the principle still stands.

I don't get the advice of those of you who say telling is best- all it would do is hurt another woman. And it's no defence to say 'I'd like to know', or that you were glad to be told- you are not her and you don't know how she would feel.

For all we know, she may know already or have been prepared to turn a blind eye- I know of marriages where this kind of thing has happened and wives have ignored for years .

I think that the advice to 'tell' comes from some kind of mis-placed ' do gooders' but it really doesn't do any good.

Dontmind, I thought long and hard about my goal before I made my very first post. I have invested a lot of time on this site (its the first time in my life I have made contact with virtual people!)
Whenever I have a problem, I usually like to tackle them head on and try and sort things as soon as- (my exh liked to sweep things under the carpet and so things never got resolved).
I am grateful I have led a fairly quiet in life in that I've never experienced any real drama in my life other than my divorce and after the initial heartache that divorce brings, life resumed as smoothly as was possible under the circumstances.
If OM doesn't take steps to try and 'win me' back, then of course my ego will take it.
I already have friends and a social life I can revert to. I am happy with my own company and I don't see myself as needy.
I have friends who are always 'internet dating' looking for 'the one' and practically sleep with everyone of them. I don't see myself as one of those.
I have never entered into a site of ANY kind before Sunday, so that must surely go to the level of my commitment I am making.
I KNEW because you weren't personally involved in my life, you would tell it as it is and boy have you not held back .

The only time I would say this thread got messy was earlier on when the background was being set and posts of all kinds were made suggesting did he do this and how did he manage to do that, without knowing the full facts.
I hope I've proved to be worthy of your time. It has been so critical to my line of thought.

OP, in the nicest possible way get a grip. If you wanted to end this affair it would be really rather easy. Just. Stop. Contact. You really are blowing it up into something it isn't. Ending a marriage is complicated by joint assets, children, and all sorts of ties, meaning it is hard to make a quick clean break, but you're in the luxurious position of not having any of that hassle. So, end it, or don't, but just get on with it.

Worsestershire, I get it. I have cut contact and I will no longer post.

Good for you, and good luck.

OP I DID NOT brand you a whore. Read what I said. If you are seeing something that isn't there then that isn't my problem.

Bottom line you have been having sex with someone else's husband for over 10 years and your children have been party to that. There is no defensible excuse to that and your children will have been affected by it.