Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

Gehj

Not everyone is so daming of you. I wish you luck and a happy future.

DottyboutDots, thank you .
I did not seek this affair (as suggested) purely because my own marriage had broken down due to an affair by my exh. I didn't seek to hurt someone as revenge. I have questioned myself many times, why would I cause hurt to others, when I have experienced the aftermath of an affair myself but sadly, when in the throes of the excitement an affair brings, all reasoning disappears. Please don't read this as my defining my behaviour - it is a reason why I allowed it to continue.

Tell his wife. That'll get things moving. One way or another.

Op

If you have left the affair then it's over surely?

Your first post is not a true reflection of what is going on- and I don't have time to read 12 pages.

You have to rebuild your life, just as if you had lost someone for good. So all the cliches about keeping busy, getting out, meeting new people etc apply to you now.

Maybe you need a 'buddy' who you can text, email, phone etc for support each time you are tempted to get in touch with this man?

I agree with others who say treat this as an addiction. You can get through this. But you need to be strong. I read somewhere that it takes 3 weeks to change your mindset and behaviour- so go cold turkey for that amount of time as a start. No calls, emails, contact- and ignore any from him. Really ignore!

Good luck.

Threetomatoes, the fact you begin your post with such crudeness implies the affair was purely sexual. The usual script

He was just using her for sex
He saw her once a month to relieve himself
Just because the wife wasn't putting out
Just because she was tired from work

Blah blah..

This was the sole reason I took a back seat yesterday, because of the crudeness on this thread. I am strong enough to accept hard-hitting posts, but the crassness of some are a little surprising.

My relationship with OM (I agree, he's not MY man) was not purely based on sex. I have spoken about how supportive he has been throughout the ten years to me and my family. Emotionally and yes, physically. So again, don't generalise that all affairs are purely a sexual emotive. I do not consider the last ten years to be a waste of time. He has supported me enormously and for that I am thankful.
I'm not likening my affair to smoking but being an ex-smoker and giving it up for the right reasons, does not mean I didn't enjoy the pleasures of smoking and the release that cigarettes bring.

er has it gone a bit monochrome in here? That is, black and white.

Your long recent post OP seems simplistic to me. I am baffled by your pronouncements about single parents (and their children) for one. Your view seems out of date, more circa 1990s. Things have moved on a great deal since then. There is no social class that is without single parents, they are not the premise of the working classes ('benefit scroungers').

It is also no guarantee at all of a happy life that kids get to uni etc. That is completely besides the point - though, of course, something to congratulate you for and be proud of. It, however, doesn't guarantee them emotional and relational stability.

Other posters (OW iirc) assume that kids are angry with their cheating father because 'bitter' mothers have put them up to it. This suggests that adultery is just one of those ok things that happen; not great but not that bad. But it is bad for an awful lot of children (all?), whose home is suddenly split down the middle. This can be very traumatising for kids, regardless of any input from 'bitter' ( ) mothers. I am astonished that this black and white thinking has been applied to the very natural trauma and upset that kids experience as victims of parental infidelity/adultery.

The only winners (though that's debatable) in adultery are the selfish pair, who skip off, unable to 'resist' one another - more often than not leaving a trail of truly devastated people. Excuse me while I puke.

[just qualifying that I am not and never have been a spurned wife]

Adultery is crude - wake up, my dear. It is not noble in any way. It is dingy, sordid and crude.

Missbopeep, yes, I have cut contact, albeit it has just been a week. The longest I have been without contact is 3months. I have lots of support and I will do my damnest to see this through. He will normally remain quiet for a week or so, and then he texts. It doesn't have to be anything meaningful, just a 'hi' or an icon of sad face with a 'missing you'. Ashamedly, I have been too weak in the past to get past this.

No - this man's wife doesn't have any responsibility for his affair. She only has joint responsibility with him for his marriage.

I really think you need to re-read your last post and see how much your enmity towards women comes across. It was obvious in all your other posts how jealous and - to use your word - bitter you were towards this man's wife, but it seems that extends to many other women who've been in your life as well.

I see you're still peddling the myth about this man being left with the majority of the childcare for his own children despite it being obvious that with his full-time job, his business, his coaching hobby and his affair with you, he very obviously wasn't spending enough time with his family. It's just so bizarre to see this sort of delusion

I wonder what happened in your childhood to create this peculiar mindset towards your own sex?

I really wish you would stop blaming the wife for the fact her husband shags the local available woman with low morals.

Isn't it partly true that you have had to build this up as something more meaningful as otherwise I suspect the reality-ten and a half years wasted-would just be too much to deal with.

This thread reminds of those classic AIBU threads, where everyone (bar one or two lone wolfs) tell the OP over and over that they are BU, yet she refuses to (or simply can't) see it.

Springtats, I'm just saying that real life brings about many problems for children and adults alike through whatever reasons, i.e drugs, relationships with peers at school, self-esteem, image..... the list is endless. I just don't think all these problems arise out of their parents personal love lives.
It would be easy for people to say; had my daughter found the transition to Uni difficult and got caught up in drugs, drinking, relationship problems (that a lot of students do), that the blame was purely mine!! 'no wonder she's screwed up, look what she had to put up with when she was young'.
Touch wood, she has experienced none of those issues and continues to be grounded and mature and a very happy 20yr old who so far, has sailed through the transitions of whatever challenges life has dished out so far.

OK, so what you do now is block his number(s). Or you get a new sim and don't give him the number.

Then you set up a filter on your email which sends anything from him straight into the delete folder and you DON'T LOOK.

springytats

Your post suggests that children whos parents split over one parent meeting someone else will be devastating per se. So, if one parent left and THEN started a new relationship would that be OK? what if they met the person, left the relationship and then started to see the other person?

What I am trying to say is that marriages end !! it happens !! it is then up to the aprents of any children involved to make sure that there isnt any bitterness or upset for the children.

And I am saying this from the point of view as a spouse of an adulterer, there is no way that I would want my children to view my ex as the baddy! hes their Dad!!

Levenheath, yes, you're right. Apologies. I meant to say the article refers to the wife having joint responsibility for what happens in a marriage, my mistake. By this, my reasoning was, if she felt that her marriage was in trouble, both parties would do their utmost to try and change things. This didn't happen.
MissStrawberry During the last 21yrs, I have had only two partners, that being my exhusband and my lover. Please don't be crass and assume I am the local shag and judge me.
Having an affair does not automatically brand you a whore.

Your daughter is only 20, look back when she is 40 and then assess what damage has been done to her.

You are so quick to forgive yourself, you really shouldn't be.

I think MissStrawberry means you are one of his local shags, not that you are the the local shag IYSWIM?

But honestly, all judgement put aside, I strongly suggest counselling. If you can't accept (and you clearly can't, you've repeatedly stated how wonderful the affair was) how damaging this was to you and your kids, you need outside help to realise this was a big mistake and you DO deserve better. You need your self esteem raised so that you can be a better mother, if not for yourself.

Touch wood, she has experienced none of those issues

so far....

I've just been reading another thread where a bomb that has been waiting to go off in someone's life has finally gone off. The bomb was planted in her childhood, just to be clear.

Adultery is a specific strike against a person. And yes, problems with drink, drugs, you name it, can arise from this very specific strike. As well as disordered relating etc.

I am astonished at how simplistic you are being about this. You have normalised your adultery, normalised adultery. It is not normal or in the normal run of things ie 'just one of those things'. It is truly horrible for all concerned - apart from the selfish, self-absorbed pair.

it is then up to the aprents of any children involved to make sure that there isnt any bitterness or upset for the children

'Bitterness' or upset for the children is not something you can control! I am AMAZED that you genuinely think you can.

A split marriage is - almost always - extremely upsetting and destabilising for the children of that marriage. That is just a given - whether the split happens because of adultery, or the split happens and then the split parents move on to other partners.

Look, in the scheme of things I don't give a toss.
I am not a wronged wife, I have not been a mistress. I don't know you or anyone involved with you. I don't have anything invested in whether you listen to me or anyone else.

You say you are listening but you are not. You filter what everyone says to construct a way in which if they agree with you, they are smart and empathic. If they disagree you dismiss them by any device you can - they are stereotyping/bitter/misunderstanding/crude blah blah.

All of this is to hold on to the idea that you had a romance not an affair because you were in love and his wife didn't do enough to 'keep him' so deserved it.

I will bet my house and all it's contents that that is a self serving bunch of crap and that until you see the last decade for what it was - deception, betrayal, selfishness, delusion and cruel indifference to anyone other than yourself - you will learn nothing and gain nothing from finally making the right decision.

I think you lack the courage to really see clearly the poor choices you have made but, just in case you do, I will wish you good luck.

We all make mistakes. Some can last years. I have made some horrors although not in my relationship. But we only move on when we admit we have been blinkered and foolish. If you could actually accept that you might recover some dignity.

Good luck.

The pain of a split due to adultery is particularly acute for the children - as well as, of course, the betrayed spouse; who has to somehow keep functioning for the sake of the kids.

A beleaguered, devastated, wounded parent is not good for the kids, all in all.

Your quote I meant to say the article refers to the wife having joint responsibility for what happens in a marriage, my mistake. By this, my reasoning was, if she felt that her marriage was in trouble, both parties would do their utmost to try and change things. This didn't happen.

In my case, I had no idea XH was unhappy until the day he walked out. Total shock. In the meantime, he was texting OW thousands of times a month. Also a total shock as well hidden from me. Begged XH to try and make marriage work, he wouldnt even consider it.

I always say that I was hung for a crime I didn't even know I had committed. If these men tried to work on their marriages instead of turning to OW, there would be a lot less divorce.

Jux, I have already blocked his number on mobile. I didn't know about the e-mail filter. I will do that too. I've also told him, if he carries out his threat to 'call round and see me', I will phone his wife (we have tried this before) but I guess he knew under no circumstances would I ever tell his wife, as he knows I'm not vindictive and wouldn't want to cause her further hurt.
For those who post that I am jealous of her, for what do you base that assumption on? I am not a jealous person by nature. I have no reason to be jealous of her. Its easy for me to say she has put up with a lot in her marriage, moreso than I would have. I can sit here and write what excellent qualities she does have.... it has no bearing on my original thread. I didn't want to make this post personal about her. My big mistake was mentioning that she works long hours, and I got crucified for doing so.

May be his wife has an affair as well. This way the children have a complete family. May be his wife does not even care if her husband has a lover. Some partners go off sex, not bothered by it and do not mind the other half to enjoy it with someone else. I think if my husband had such long affair I would have known. Do not think that she is a silly career-oriented woman. She might be having the last laugh.

If a man leaves the family home when children are very young, and the adult children no longer have respect him, its most probably to do with the mothers bitterness and input to the children as they have grown up, rather than themselves making that decision.

Not in my FIl's case - his DC continued to idolise him and their mother was careful not to pollute their minds. It was only when his DC became adults that the scales fell from their eyes esp when their own DC came along. Then when his DD's husband left her for OW, she realised she could never respect a cheater, esp one who isn't reformed so cut off all contact from her own father.