Ending a Ten and a Half year affair

[Gehj]

Im unable to write full background for fear of being recognised but the crux of the problem remains the same... unbelievably I have been having an affair for the above time and it remains as passionate and intense today as it did on day one. The problem... I need to leave because I want a new life of my own as I know he does not have the strength, courage or wherewithal to leave his family. His children are now aged 18-21, his elderly mother (who lost her husband recently) has now come to live with him and he is the prime carer. I know it was morally wrong to become involved with a married man but the attraction was strong and I didn't for one moment, think it would span out 10years!!! How do I find the strength to leave a relationship that provides me with everything that a woman would relish except commitment! i.e love, companionship, support, fun and anything that a newlywed would be proud of. The physical side is as passionate as if we just met. How do I take steps to leave?? I have tried many times and each time we hurt each other, miss what we have and go back. WWYD apart from the suggestion of moving town and that is not feasible as I have children who are at college! He does not want me to leave which makes it all the more difficult.

Another happily married woman here. You don't need to have been 'hurt' to have a moral compass, AFAIK

Another non-scorned women here that just thinks that knowingly shitting on another person, regardless of your relation to them and then blaming them for your bad behaviour is a pretty poor show.

"I remember asking him outright! He really got offended that I would even think he could do anything like that to me and that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me and one me.

I remember feeling guilty and ashamed for ever doubting his love for me.

I now understand that he was emotionally abusive towards me."

I second those words exactly! Internet and OP I ASKED HIM. He lied. Now, it could be that I AM STUPID. But it also could be that husbands who have previously loved you and who made some quite important promises, - well, you trust them. You 'think' you still have a close relationship, the one where you sort things out together in honesty and mutual support.

But, what you don't know, is that the rules have changed and he isn't the person you 'thought' he was.

Please, can you tell me specifically as a wife, how that is my fault (you both say it is the wife and the marriage's fault), and how you negotiate something HE DOESN'T WANT TO?

This is what you two aren't getting. He wants his wife/kids/own armchair/life AND he wants your undeserved admiration and exciting slit. It isn't a competition. He wants both 'things'.

And this (treating US as things, solely for his benefit) is hugely disrespectful, to you AND to me.
Can't you see the character flaw? The capacity to lie to BOTH, JUST so he can feel good?

I wasn't hurt by the OW in my case. I was hurt by my ex.

The OW in my case had no idea I was even still on the scene.

This OP did!

I only relayed my story because a couple of people have suggested that the wife must know. I didn't and I don't consider myself stupid at all.

I am the child of a father who had an affair for years with the mother of a classmate of mine. By the time I was 11 I knew, although my father and the OW denied it. It was awful. I felt so ashamed of them, and of the gossip that probably did the rounds among other parents and teachers...
When I was 14 my parents finally split up; the OW is now my stepmother.

Thing is, I have never forgiven them for what they did. Now, with DC of my own, I can understand even less how on earth they could behave the way they did. I think of my father as a coward and find it hard to respect him.

Is that what you want your future relationship with your children to be OW?

Sorry, OP

Your logic is awfully skewed and convoluted. You contradict yourself with almost every phrase.

You seem terribly conflicted..try the Freedom Programme or CBT.

Wow, my being cheated on was my fault. So say the two OWs on this thread. So, I was cheated on either because I am a nasty person and deserves it, or because I was stupid! Nice. Chumplady:

"You know, one of the worst things about being cheated on is that whole crap that oh hey, you must?ve known. You must?ve been in on the deal some how. Had an ?arrangement.? Or you?re turning a blind eye. The unspoken is ? you kinda of deserve this for being such an oblivious idiot.

We all see the world from our own moral lens. If you?ve never experienced infidelity and you know that you wouldn?t cheat on your spouse ? you do go around with a naivety. You wouldn?t have done such a thing and you can?t imagine a world in which the person you are most intimate with daily would do such a thing.

That?s why it is so shattering. It completely up-ends your view of the world, your sense of reality, of who you can trust.

But I come back to ? it?s not a pathology to trust your spouse. It?s what normal, loving people do. And that is why betrayal and manipulation are so very ugly. Because abusers take that trust ? that social glue that binds us together ? and they turn it on you. Use it against you."

The two OWs on this thread need to take on board that wives are shattered by this. I honestly wondered what was real and what was not real. All instigated by my husband's ENTITLEMENT and ABUSE. They are not nice people, OWs. If you can get them out of our houses, you can have them.

But this is the pissy bit: they don't want to go So who really is stupid here?

If the two of you had the opportunity to be together, I doubt it would last. Real life doesn't come into it for you two, does it?

I think actually, you deserve each other. Affairs happen. Love happens. There are times when, if a marriage is already unstable, the affair can be the catalyst for two people to more on to a different life. But ten years of lies, deceit, using his kids as nurse maid, him (and you, it sounds like) only wanting the best bits..... None of the mundane day to day crap that happens in families? The pair of you are despicable.

Yes, I am judging. He's, I am judgemental. Your situation cannot be viewed in any other light other than totally selfish.

Wellwobbly I have never said that it is the wives fault.

All affairs are different and nobody can say who is at fault, NOBODY.

And I know that wives are shattered by this. I could have never predicted that I would be in this situation and to be perfectly honest, I would have probably said that same as you a few years ago.

I understand that you are very hurt, I honestly do.

*When I was 14 my parents finally split up; the OW is now my stepmother.

Thing is, I have never forgiven them for what they did. Now, with DC of my own, I can understand even less how on earth they could behave the way they did. I think of my father as a coward and find it hard to respect him*

Just my opinion, but it sounds like this was handled very badly by the parents. Its not what they did that was the problem, but how it was portrayed to you as a child and how you saw it.

My H is with the woman the he had an affair with and I would be devastated if I thought my children 'could never forgive them' or hated them!!

So, Imnotscared, what is the 'right' way to handle a 5 years affair then?

I would have respected my father a lot more if he and my mum had split up BEFORE he started on the affair. I.e., if there had not been an affair at all. Not after years and years of my siblings and me being unsettled and unhappy, and having our trust in our parents destroyed.

Now my father has to bear the consequences of his actions. I do have a relationship with him, of sorts, but I won't 'let him in', if that makes sense. He comes way down my list of people who are important to me. He knows this, although we never talk about it (he still can't bring himself to apologise and doesn't feel that what he did was that wrong, the deluded fool).

I think both you and the OP are in deep denial about what the possible outcome of this will be: children who despise you because of your betrayal. Having your children's trust and respect is a precious thing, and you're throwing it away for an illusion.

Biscuit I dont know what the right way was, but your Father and the OW are still toegther, so it must have been 'the right thing' for them.

imnotscared, please read my previous post:

I would have respected my father a lot more if he and my mum had split up BEFORE he started on the affair. I.e., if there had not been an affair at all. Not after years and years of my siblings and me being unsettled and unhappy, and having our trust in our parents destroyed.

Yes, marriage breakdown happens. Their being together may be the right thing for them, but they should have been less selfish and NOT had the long term affair. She has 3 children, 2 of who are pretty messed up. But my father and the OW still don't accept that their years of lying and cheating and denying what was going on could have anything to do with how their children/ the relationship with their children turned out.

I think you're just finding it hard to swallow that other people judge you (rightly imo), and that your children may come to judge you too at some stage. Because morally, you're in the wrong and deep down you know it.

My FIL left his young family for OW and his DC never got over his selfishness and deceit. His DD cut off all contact and he died a lonely old man.

You know when mm eventually leaves wife for ow (usually because he was found out and booted out) and they get married and live happily ever after?

Does anyone else suspect that the reason this next relationship works long term is because deceitful dirtbag has picked a target with considerably less self-respect (see ow input above) who is far more likely to put up with lying cheating malingering and is therefore simply adjusting his environment to suit his needs so to speak?

Blimey. Sometimes MN really enlightens you. You see the way some peoples minds work. And it is so alien to your own. I wonder what has happened to the Op since sunday.

of course affairs affect children, especially if that never sat down with then and apologised, so OP really don't just assmune the dc ar fine just because they don't voice it. You say IF they have an affair you'll tell them not to - no, you must speak to them now, assuming you've finished with the guy, then there is asmall chance that damage will be lessened at least.
On the other hand I know at least two older men who did go on to marry OW and the ow wasn't a doormat, confused, they werer genuinely more sutied and both strong women, they had dc and stayed together. It's a minority but of course it does happen.

sorry, 'if that parent never sat down with them..'

why would Op still stay here any longer, Oblomov? she's got her answers, but staying and being damned by people for days on end is too much for anyone.

Re men who marry OW, there is a statistic saying that in most cases it does not work out long term (e,g Anthea Turner). I wonder how many of these "successes" are down to them sticking together to prove that they were right to behave selfishly despite their relationship being founded on deceit.

possibly, Madabout, there is the added determination to prove a point. One of the man I know eventually split up from Ow, but only after 15yrs and a child together. Another was genuinely happy and they lived for 25 yrs and had dc until he recently died. He was actually a very good guy, and first marriage was when in his 20s..

Hi, I just want to begin by saying thanks for sharing your experiences and this thread has helped immensely. Yes, I thought it was damning and aggressive when first started but believe it's calmed somewhat. I have taken it all on the chin and I'm listening hard. Sadly, I didn't make it clear when I first posted, that I have already cut contact. Didn't mention it because it had only been a few days.
I have been pointed to an article by a PM (I've had many) about SELF SPLIT AFFAIRS, and basically, if Id read this article first, I would never have posted!! It covers everything and describes the behaviours of all THREE involved including the wife's (she has some responsibility).
I have also looked up the 'no contact' rule which I was in the midst of doing but this was also helpful. I wanted to clarify a few points and this is by no means is me not being accepting of your views or accepting that I have been wrong.
wellwobbly, I didn't say the wife was at fault alone purely because she has a career. Do not interpret this to mean I think all career women will/deserve to be cheated on. I stated she works long hours so he was left with the majority of childcare and yes, the domestics, which was probably a factor.
Biscuit I'm not sure every man who's ever left the family home due to an affair, will end up losing the respect of his children. You are tarnishing every situation with the same brush. I have a old friend who had an affair which split up his marriage, his daughter was school age. Despite the very negative input by her mother, she is now grown up with children of her own and has a very close bond with her father, moreso than her bitter mother.
If a man leaves the family home when children are very young, and the adult children no longer have respect him, its most probably to do with the mothers bitterness and input to the children as they have grown up, rather than themselves making that decision. Again, this is generalising. It doesn't apply to every situation.
My OWN two brothers have both had to fight to keep their relationship with their teenage children (now older) and NEITHER OF THEIR MARRIAGES broke down due to an affair. Wives can become unreasonable and my brother's wife changed the locks before he arrived home from work. Prior to this event, his relationship with his children had been fine. Now, they refused to speak to him! Sadly, it does happen.
At present my children are aged 16-21 and I too, have an excellent relationship with them, as do their Dad, who throughout the last ten years, has tried hard to maintain a bond with them. He didn't fall out of love with his children- he fell out of love with me.
If for whatever reason, their lives do not turn out to be successful in ten years time, I hope it will be due to something other than my affair. You are blighting their lives before they have even begun. I don't wish to give too many details but surely the fact that two of my children already have respected careers, and one at Uni, is enough to be proud of despite having been brought up by a Single mother (yes, even whilst I was having an affair) should count for something. Single mothers are normally tarnished as being benefit wasters and lazy and producing vile offspring. So, please, don't tarnish my childrens lives before they begin. You can't read the future.
Should they get married and their marriages break down, I would rather hope its due to their own doing, rather than mine!! It's always easy to blame the parents!

Oblomov, Incidentally, I have just x posted. I posted this morning without having read any of the six or so posts above. I am happy to reply to any of your posts but most of them weren't directed at me. The thread took on a discussion of its own by others giving their experiences. I have read each post with interest but surely you will appreciate, I can't reply to everyone of them. Nor do I wish to defend my actions. I accept what I did was immoral.