Being single

[blackbirdatglanmore]

This is a spin off from another thread on here which made me realise several of us were in the same boat.

When you split up with a partner, or express anxiety about the years ahead, either because you want a baby or just worry about being alone, one of two responses tends to be made.

The first response is that you WILL meet somebody, it is easy, the person you're talking to has and they know an aunts friends neighbour who did. If you've been alone some time the response becomes accusatory and tells you that you haven't made the effort and you need to 'put yourself out there.' For most people this means online dating or 'clubs'.

The second response is that you should be happy for beng single - grateful in fact, because they had an abusive partner some years ago and are happier without him and if you're lonely maybe you should join a club.

This thread is for single women in the real world. To take the first response, you may meet somebody, that is true. However, for some of us we know its unlikely. In my case it is my age. I am mid-thirties, most men my age are settled with a marriage, a mortgage and children. Younger men want younger women. I joined mysinglefriend last year (online dating site) and the numbers of hugely attractive, professional women in their thirties was significant. I got nowhere with that, one date and we had little in common. I have since spoken to many women who have admitted online dating wasn't for them, and nor was it for me. I am a slow burner and can't feign affection for somebody on the basis of one meeting. That leaves meeting someone in 'real life' which is not easy. Certainly all (I'm really not exaggerating) the men I meet are attached.

While you can be happy alone, and I am, it doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. My social life is restricted and I spend a lot of time alone because my friends are married with babies/small children. Holidays are difficult. I don't get to enjoy any intimacy (I wouldn't like one night stands) and while I've taken the step of deciding to have a child alone, for other women accepting single hood means accepting being childless which would break my heart.

The advice to 'put yourself out there' and join clubs is well meaning but doesn't account for the lack of 'clubs' - certainly around here the clubs are for young mothers and for retired people! Not quite what I am looking for!

'Get a pet' is also advice that can be very upsetting. I have two cats, they are much loved animals but they are not a people substitute and should not be viewed as such.

Sme people assume you are single because on some subconscious level you are damaged and shy fom intimate relations. There was perhaps some truth in that for me once, but in the last seven years I have worked with men who I found attractive and who I was drawn to. If they'd asked, I'd have said yes - but they didn't - why, because of their girlfriends.

So I am starting this thread in an attempt to:

dispel the myths about why women are single
to give us a safe place to moan without being ordered to join clubs!
discuss matters pertaining to single women.

I hope someone else posts now!

blooming thanks for your kind words. I think everyone knows it is 'easier' alone, but all the same, yesterday, I was the only person there alone. I really don't know what the other people who have to spend weekends alone were doing.

Zynda I'm glad you've said that, it's true. Even online, which is normally a good place to voice things you can't in real life, you can't! Honestly, if I name changed and started a thread 'aibu for being upset I'm always on my own' I bet at least 80% of the responses would be that it's my fault for not joining fucking clubs, or whatever. That's the killer at times; not being ale to express any sort of discontentment. I've been ill this week and AF arrived yesterday as well. Sigh! Bit brighter today!

blackbird yes 90% would tell you it was your own fault! I feel like that. What is wrong with people? They don't have the perspective.

honey make sure the fwx steps up and does some childcare. I wish I'd pushed for that more at the beginning. Was so afraid he'd take them off me, which now, is such a JOKE. My youngest is 8 and it's still hard. Thank good ness they are spending a week with their father soon. It'll kill him. I could say he will gain newfound resepct for me, but no, he will blame me that they are out of control, always fight, so cheeky, so demanding, always asking for treats........... all.MY.fault

I'll just go and flagellate myself!! it's all my fault, all of it.

Only just seen this. All of it rings true.

ps and blackbird the happily married friend believes she hit a nerve with me. and now feels that her words were so profound or something... actually, tiz the other way round, I think I hit a nerve with her suggesting to her that she gave inappropriate/hurtful advice to a single person. she was just having none of it. Nothing I say now, nothing, can convince that I am 'at peace'. Ykwim?

Zynda that sounds extremely frustrating. Yes, i'm afraid she will now do head-tilty concern at you every time conversation goes near relationships. Argh.

o'clock (just the one though, i'm not finding solace in alcohol ) gotta be careful not to give that idea!

Enjoy your wine!

Zynda, so true. Since starting this thread it has made me realise how crap things are for long term singles - I don't mean people who spend a few months between partners, I mean the years with no hope of a relationship in the future singles. I've had another weekend spent in solitary confinement () and it is wearing, no doubt about it.

Break up for the summer on Friday, and I'm dreading it.

Blackboard I know where you are coming from. I have 2 teenage DC so it's bit different. I am sworn off men at the moment but wondered if you would ever ask a man out. You seem to get out a bit so maybe you could try to chat someone up and if you like him ask him to go for a coffee or something. I might do this myself if I ever get back out there.

Trust me I have received every bit of advice to get myself a man. This advice usually comes from women friends who have been married for over twenty years and would not last one minute on the dating scene. I hope you are not offended by my suggestion. At the moment I am happy being single but do get pangs when I see loved up couples. These pangs don't last too long probably because DC keep me occupied chasing around after them.

That's a thread in itself! maybe I am too cautious. People say "what have you got to lose?!". eh, my dignity? The last time I liked a man, I guess he probably knew it, and I don't know, thought I was too old for him/didn't want a girlfriend/was put off that I had kids. So I'm glad I didn't ask him out!

I got chatting to a man on a train once and he gave me his card and I emailed him but heard nothing from him. So, I was glad I hadn't rung!

I can't think of a single time I went out of MY way to ask a man out or steer him towards asking me out, and later thought Good move !!

Zyn you can't snuggle up and watch telly with your dignity! Just asked single male friend (totally hetro) how he would feel if a woman asked him out and he said he would be chuffed and flattered and if he liked the look of her he would definitely say yes. He also thinks most men would feel that way. We, well not me cos I am sworn off men, should do it for a laugh and report back on success rates.

What do you think blackbird?

He said when when single men go out they are attracted to women who look nice, not perfect, seem happy, like a bit of carry on and shouldn't be too loud.

My brother told me once never to take advice about men from women. I was having diffs with boyfriend at the time and he told me only men know what men actually think. So ignore all advice from females.

True! I guess. I can't relax and kick back if i'm wincing about something excruciatingly humiliating that I did/said though!!

Whenever I ask a man out I think he feels awkward :-/

I'm not sure I want to take advice from men. I don't even know any though!! It's that bad! I do see that there is logic there, in what your brother says - if you want To Get A Man Full Stop. But I don't want to have to jump through hoops and do thngs that don't come naturally, or pretend to be Cool Girl.

I think taking advice from women reminds women not to lose sight of what women want!! A lot of advice men give out is telling us to be more like the idealised woman, as idealised by men. And life aint like that buddy cos sometimes people are allowed to be women, so I wonder if taking advice only from men could work wonders in terms of getting-a-man, the what came next could be stormy. I don't really know though!

I can't imagine asking a man out, and it turning out well!

The man I like is a trainer from the gym, but he's very attractive and probably well out of my league. I don't know if he's single anyway or if he likes women in my age group (similar age to him).

I think men just want a best friend who they can hang around with. The reality about relationships isn't anything to do with looking like Barbie. Men just want someone they can talk to about things apart from football, cars and work. Ask him latara, if he says no the world will still keep spinning around. Easy for me to sound brave huh?

But if I ask him and it goes wrong then I can't go to the gym any more.

I think that society needs to be much more supportive of single women. Bridget Jones needs to stop being bandied about as a cringe-worthy role model. I prefer Samantha Jones from Sex and the City who is georgeous, strong and does not need a man but loves sex!
Society needs to acknowledge that no relationship is better than settling or indeed better than abuse. A single women should be seen as a success for coping alone rather than a failure for not putting up with a lot of crap finding a man.
The way I see it is like this; everyone who is interested in me is an ex who now has come crawling back. The thing is , now I am over them I do not want to be them as I have no desire to date drug addicts, alchoholics, dead beat dads, emotional fuckwits, controlling, intellelectually stunted, badboy loosers!

Latara...why don't you get chatting to him and find out more about him rather than asking outright. Do some research! Drop hints and flirt!

whitesugar I do get out a fair but but only 'cause I live alone. If I didn't get out I wouldn't see people. Unfortunately it really isn't an exaggeration to say I never, ever meet single men. I can't imagine just taking the chance one is single and asking him out - thanks, though. I know I'm not going to meet anyone now and I accept that and I'm ok with it - I think I'll be happier once a child is on the scene - but at times it is very very tough being alone.

I understand, blackbird, I've been single for 18 years contrary to everyone's expectations after my marriage ended. I long to be someone's 'one and only', to be special to someone - you can have friends, go on singles holidays, find company - but it's just not the same, you do wonder what's wrong with you that you can't find what so many of your friends have found. John denvers song 'druthers' says it well - 'Give me somebody to love me, make me feel like the only one....You just need someone to talk to, Something you can share. You don't need no reason for livin', It's already there'. It's tough.

Walkacross - it's very wrong to compare yourself to the coupled friends - do you really think all their relationships are close, sharing, understanding?? I think the truth is, they just put up with a lot, and many don't even love their patners anymore and stay out of habit/children even if they don't hate each other, but what I mean - it's not like that romantic song you are quoting! I literally know only a couple of truly happy loving r-ships, the rest of women i know either put up with a lot, or their H's/P's have left for someoneelse after years together.
I'm single too - it's hte first time in life htat it's been solid for 2.5 years, so OP, it's not at all always the case that those who had r-ships are always on the bandwagon. I'm sort of shocjed myself, but if I think about it, it's about preferring to be on my own to someone only slightly suitable. If I find the right man, I will of course go for it, but previously I went for it completely on imulse - that's why I had relationships, not because there was something 'right' with me, and now htere isn't - I just didn't think too much. And guess what, they haven't worked out, even though I had a 6yr marriage.

OP, I do wish you best of luck in becoming a mother, I think you will find happines that way, as you want it passionately. Your whole perspective will change to a positive one, at the moment you sound very pessimistic as you focus on lack of company - imo the child will be much more reliable as long tern company than any man can be. Yes, it's touch being single sometimes, but same can be said about being with someone and maintaining love long term - and not being irritated by their bad sides - in majority of cases.

I'm quite pessimistic at the moment because I have been so unwell, I think. There's nothing like being alone and ill to make you really feel it.

I think we all know that our friends' relationships aren't all hearts and flowers but the point is that being single isn't all high heels and hangovers either, there are enough posts on relationships dispelling the myths about them - we KNOW! Is it not possible to just say that something can be shit without every other post reminding us it could be even more shit!?

No, allaflutter, I don't think all my coupled friends have wonderful close relationships, nor do I compare myself to them - but it is a strong human drive to form a pair bond - the majority of people are in one, and it's hard being single for a long time /forever. The song isn't romantic, incidentally - he's singing about what he'd like to do with a companion (go fishing and enjoy a lazy day). In the end, he decides to go fishing alone - defiantly. I like it.

X-posted! Hope you feel better soon, blackbird

Lots better now thanks! I'm just recovering so tired, sluggish, a bit depressed (always get a mild form of depression after physical illness! No idea why!)