Being single

[blackbirdatglanmore]

This is a spin off from another thread on here which made me realise several of us were in the same boat.

When you split up with a partner, or express anxiety about the years ahead, either because you want a baby or just worry about being alone, one of two responses tends to be made.

The first response is that you WILL meet somebody, it is easy, the person you're talking to has and they know an aunts friends neighbour who did. If you've been alone some time the response becomes accusatory and tells you that you haven't made the effort and you need to 'put yourself out there.' For most people this means online dating or 'clubs'.

The second response is that you should be happy for beng single - grateful in fact, because they had an abusive partner some years ago and are happier without him and if you're lonely maybe you should join a club.

This thread is for single women in the real world. To take the first response, you may meet somebody, that is true. However, for some of us we know its unlikely. In my case it is my age. I am mid-thirties, most men my age are settled with a marriage, a mortgage and children. Younger men want younger women. I joined mysinglefriend last year (online dating site) and the numbers of hugely attractive, professional women in their thirties was significant. I got nowhere with that, one date and we had little in common. I have since spoken to many women who have admitted online dating wasn't for them, and nor was it for me. I am a slow burner and can't feign affection for somebody on the basis of one meeting. That leaves meeting someone in 'real life' which is not easy. Certainly all (I'm really not exaggerating) the men I meet are attached.

While you can be happy alone, and I am, it doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. My social life is restricted and I spend a lot of time alone because my friends are married with babies/small children. Holidays are difficult. I don't get to enjoy any intimacy (I wouldn't like one night stands) and while I've taken the step of deciding to have a child alone, for other women accepting single hood means accepting being childless which would break my heart.

The advice to 'put yourself out there' and join clubs is well meaning but doesn't account for the lack of 'clubs' - certainly around here the clubs are for young mothers and for retired people! Not quite what I am looking for!

'Get a pet' is also advice that can be very upsetting. I have two cats, they are much loved animals but they are not a people substitute and should not be viewed as such.

Sme people assume you are single because on some subconscious level you are damaged and shy fom intimate relations. There was perhaps some truth in that for me once, but in the last seven years I have worked with men who I found attractive and who I was drawn to. If they'd asked, I'd have said yes - but they didn't - why, because of their girlfriends.

So I am starting this thread in an attempt to:

dispel the myths about why women are single
to give us a safe place to moan without being ordered to join clubs!
discuss matters pertaining to single women.

I hope someone else posts now!

There is always hope, but it's very, very unlikely at this stage as I have been single for years and I don't really get much any interest.

I do appreciate it looks an easy, simple, straightforward thing - "I probably won't have sex again!" - "you will, go out and shag someone!" but it's a) not what I want and b) not really the point I don't mind not having sex but all the same, it is strange thinking that that is it, that I won't have it again!

at work today i was talking to a lady who had been single for 6 years. In november she had her first date with this guy she had met as a customer at work, in march, they married.

It can and does happen.

I think, if you dont mind not having sex, then thats fine,but if you do miss it, there is nothing wrong with getting out there and having sex... Its only been about a month ish for me, at the momment i dont care much, but im sure when it gets a few more months in my view will change and ill go for something casual :)

Watch, I honestly don't want to sound like a complete tit here, but have you read the thread? One of the major recurring themes in it is how much single women are patronised (sorry, I did wince a bit typing that!) with platitudes about their best friend's neighbour's cousin who was single for ages and then went to a ball and lost her shoe and you know the rest.

Of course, people can and do meet other people all the time but that's not what this thread is about.

I've already said one night stands aren't for me I agree there's nothing wrong with having sex if you fancy it, but I don't, I just find it weird I won't be having it again!

:-(

I have been in a similar place to you. I drove my family and friends mad with my negative talk and resignation but similarly they drove me mad with platitudes when they had no idea what it was like - so I won't say much more in case I come across as patronising (would hate to, I really can empathise)

But my parting shot is, if a relationship is something you really want, don't give up. Keep yourself open to it and do the best you can to give yourself the best opportunities possible to meet someone.

Ps I hope it does happen for you in the future blackbird :-)

yes, i have read the thread and am a long term single myself.

I wasnt being patronising in the slightest, its just a nice story i though, this lady had been on here own for years, a man came in for an eye test, she was the receptionist, and boom, married less than 6 months later. It was lovely and so romantic and i ended up with a lump in my throat.

I also feel like its not going to happen, but this story, today, was a nice kick up the backside to remind me that things can literally change in seconds.

Patience; thank you. I appreciate the kind thoughts, but please, please read the thread. It's about being single - it's about the reality of it.

I have been giving myself "the best opportunities" for YEARS, quite literally, and nothing has come of it. I don't know why but I do know, thanks to this thread, I am not alone. But let me sum up.

Many people believe that life is like a book or a film, and that is where "it will happen when you least expect it" comes from, I suspect, because it's such a common plot device. In real life it probably does happen but it assumes the woman has been flinging herself at available men which most of us do not!

Back in the real word, Myths About Being Single Are:

it will happen when you least expect it - well no, actually, it won't. I don't expect to meet somebody now. At one time, I did - I thought, like most of my friends, I would meet someone one day and we'd fall in love and get married. It happens for some people, certainly, but not because of some sort of law of nature - because of sheer dumb luck!

you've got to put yourself out there - most of us have. We have spent time trying to meet a partner, we have jobs, friends, social lives, hobbies. Most of us have at least dabbled with online dating and spent money on joining sites but nothing has come of it.

I don't get the problem, I LOVE being single! being single in-between partners is like going on a holiday. You get to experience the freedom and fun whilst knowing you will probably meet someone in near future. Just as if I went to London on a trip I'd love it and visit galleries, museums, enjoy the night life, but the reality of living there would be very different. For those of us facing being single for a long time, that's the position we're in.

Join clubs, get some hobbies. We have, but there aren't necessarily a huge amount of them around, and being single doesn't mean you automatically have a great interest in canal restoration or hiking up mountains we are normal people who do normal things and want to meet someone normal.

you never know what is around the corner - of course you don't but you can make fair estimates based on your life.

Please, don't throw myths and sayings around - they DO come across as patronising and they don't help! My life, and that of others, is fine, it's OK, but I would like to know what being loved romantically by a partner is like - that is all!

Ok, ill just leave you to it then....

I do know what its like, i am a long term single myself, but im not going to be angry if someone throws me a tiny bit of hope.

Just a tiny glimmer, that actually, things do change, and its not down to any of those things you have listen, but down to a bit of luck.

id rather hold onto that, tiny as it might be.

Erm. I have read the WHOLE thread

Also, I have spent MANY years single in my twenties and thirties. I know first hand what being single and childless at 35 feels like. The only single and childless person in my family and friendship groups.

I have had all the platitudes chucked at me a thousand times. My biggest pdppmmaj bug bear was 'join a club'.

So I haven't thrown any myths or sayings around as platitudes.

What I didn't realise was this thread was about being eternally single with no hope of that changing. I wasn't implying that you haven't already been doing everything 'right'. I was simply saying, don't give up.

*personal

Thats all i was saying too.

Or, just be open to stuff happening maybe.

i wouldnt write anything off, however unlikey it seems at this point in time.

Blackbird...I am with you. Have been single for well over a decade. On the odd dating sites I have been on, I have been contacted by guys at least 10 years older than me, or ones I am just not attracted to. Some middle age guys look great, but some just don't care, and whilst I am not that shallow to go just on looks, I don't want someone who I am not attracted to. Saying that hardly anyone contacts me anyway...I am just not the type guys for and like you, get the, why has no one snapped you up' comments. But the don't.

I have now been single so long it just sounds terrible.

I am Ok alone although am very soon to be an empty nester so alone will be totally alone, as my circle of friends is minute and most of them have a proper life having not to have spent the last 13 years bringing up kids alone and on very little money.

I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me as I can do that for myself, but society is youth focused, and men know the can date younger women as they enjoy the advantages of dating an older man with money, and status.

What I would like is a social life...but finding that is hard as most people have their social circles already formed and are not often that welcoming to new members.

All the cliches are just that. But the are more women than men and many of us will remain single for the rest of our lives. I just wish it could be more like sex in the city single than bag lady with cats ;0)

I kind of think that 'giving up' can be a positive though. I don't want to be clinging to a tiny bit of hope for the next couple of decades before I die alone, but not necessarily lonely!

Since I gave up I have ticked a lot of other boxes. (I've name-changed a few times since this thread started, so I'd be repeating myself with a different name but I really agree with blackbird) the whole 'you'll meet somebody!...' is a bit annoying and in my case, unlikely. I was given out to recently for turning down one social occasion that I didn't want to go to. I haven't mentioned being single to my friends recently. What's the point.

Ok ladies, but since one of the things the thread has identified as being unhelpful to single people is 'it will happen one day' I did assume perhaps you didn't see it. It isn't a competition of who has been single for longer but it is possible to be realistic. That does mean giving up hope. Someone suffering from an illness might recognise the odds are against her and make plans to that effect whilst simultaneously hoping a cure will be found - it's a bit like that for long term singles as well!

Sorry but it doesn't help to be told about people who were single for years and then ... because that's their reality and this is mine.

Zynia - yep, you get sternly told that you need to make an effort! I honestly think some people think meeting a partner is like passing an exam; put this effort in and this will be the result. The more effort, the better the partner. But emotions, attraction and desire don't work in that way.

I just want to be allowed to accept it. I don't want to think that for the rest of my single life people will be pitying me. If I have accepted it for the very simple reason that there are more women than men and men date younger women and I'm in my early 40s now, then what can I do? that's the way it is.

sorry, my reality is a long term single, and no it doesnt mean giving up hope.

I agree wrt ten year thing too. the only man I have dated since splitting from children's father was ten years older than I am. he was keen on me, but sure why wouldn't he be? I was a decade younger and I look after myself, exercise, eat healthily, dress well, don't smoke, drink moderately............. this guy was a nice guy but a bit overweight and frankly, I was in better shape for my age than he was but but but but I know when he puts himself out there on the internet he'll have more success than I will. This is not something I can just shrug over. I don't want to date men who are more than a decade older than I am. I would just rather be single (and so, I AM )

Watch; we're not talking, necessarily, about giving up hope. We're talking about making a life for ourselves that does not assume we will one day be a part of a couple.

I haven't completely given up hope. I think it is unlikely I will meet someone but it could happen, in the same way that anything could happen. But I don't think it will, so I am currently trying for a baby as a single lady and looking to the future, accepting there are some advantages to spending my life like this but recognising there are downsides as well. Same as anybody, really but the big difference is, when you try to talk about the downsides with anybody, you get told off. You get told you don't make the effort, or told to join clubs, or told you don't know what's around the corner.

THAT'S what this thread is for!

ps, even the notion of getting out there for some casual sex is so ridiculous for a lot of women. That group of people that I like ENOUGH to have sex with , but not enough to go OUT with, that' be a very small group. And I wouldn't fancy being used. It sounds so fun and independent when you type it, and when you've only been single a MONTH, anything must seem possible. I think if you're particularly attractive perhaps, and young, then you're in a good drivingseat in the 'casual sex market'. I wouldn't be the choice of any typical adonises. The sort of man who would 'go for me' would of course be the sort of man who'd have to grow on you. The whole casual sex idea just doesn't really come together for me.

I didn't say it will happen one day :-) I said, don't give up if it's something you want (which you stated you do). I also said I hope it does happen for you (again because you said that that's what you want)

I only said you 'probably' will have sex again if you want it.

Anyway, I wish you the best and I am now checking out.

.. and that is not a moral judgement in any way, it's more practical. It's just, how does it work ??? seriously!? don't you need to LIKE people before you sleep with them? and do you enjoy it if you think he's too boring/stupid/old/entitled to consider seeing more of him.? it's the practicalities of casual sex that confuse me.

I do have a friend who meets men (from the Internet) for sex, which sounds very sordid but it isn't really. It's upfront no-strings attached sex and I admire her guts but I wouldn't enjoy it. I am not that bothered about sex I feel the 'need' for it in that way.

Zynia I am like that with men as well, I'm a slow burner and don't tend to feel an instant attraction, ever.

It sounds strange but I do worry (worry is perhaps OTT, 'wonder' maybe) how I will be perceived by my DCs when they are adults - hopefully I'll be able to be honest with them but I wonder if they'll find it odd I won't have had sex for well over quarter of a century!

You cam sit here moaning and being pessimistic about the future (which doesnt help anything) or you can do something about it.
If I'm honest, the advice I would give is lose weight.
There is no 2 ways about it, It will greatly improve your chances of meeting someone.

You've missed the point of the thread, arse.

It isn't to "moan" or to be "pessimistic" about the future - although if that's how I feel at any one time, I won't apologise for being honest about it here - it is to talk about our lives with other women undergoing the same sort of stuff.

That's always nice, isn't it? Isn't it why pregnancy and parenting forums thrive, because pregnant women and those with young children like to talk to others going through the same thing?

There's nothing wrong with that and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel that there is!

Oh and I have spent most of my life a perfectly normal BMI thanks :)