Being single

[blackbirdatglanmore]

This is a spin off from another thread on here which made me realise several of us were in the same boat.

When you split up with a partner, or express anxiety about the years ahead, either because you want a baby or just worry about being alone, one of two responses tends to be made.

The first response is that you WILL meet somebody, it is easy, the person you're talking to has and they know an aunts friends neighbour who did. If you've been alone some time the response becomes accusatory and tells you that you haven't made the effort and you need to 'put yourself out there.' For most people this means online dating or 'clubs'.

The second response is that you should be happy for beng single - grateful in fact, because they had an abusive partner some years ago and are happier without him and if you're lonely maybe you should join a club.

This thread is for single women in the real world. To take the first response, you may meet somebody, that is true. However, for some of us we know its unlikely. In my case it is my age. I am mid-thirties, most men my age are settled with a marriage, a mortgage and children. Younger men want younger women. I joined mysinglefriend last year (online dating site) and the numbers of hugely attractive, professional women in their thirties was significant. I got nowhere with that, one date and we had little in common. I have since spoken to many women who have admitted online dating wasn't for them, and nor was it for me. I am a slow burner and can't feign affection for somebody on the basis of one meeting. That leaves meeting someone in 'real life' which is not easy. Certainly all (I'm really not exaggerating) the men I meet are attached.

While you can be happy alone, and I am, it doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. My social life is restricted and I spend a lot of time alone because my friends are married with babies/small children. Holidays are difficult. I don't get to enjoy any intimacy (I wouldn't like one night stands) and while I've taken the step of deciding to have a child alone, for other women accepting single hood means accepting being childless which would break my heart.

The advice to 'put yourself out there' and join clubs is well meaning but doesn't account for the lack of 'clubs' - certainly around here the clubs are for young mothers and for retired people! Not quite what I am looking for!

'Get a pet' is also advice that can be very upsetting. I have two cats, they are much loved animals but they are not a people substitute and should not be viewed as such.

Sme people assume you are single because on some subconscious level you are damaged and shy fom intimate relations. There was perhaps some truth in that for me once, but in the last seven years I have worked with men who I found attractive and who I was drawn to. If they'd asked, I'd have said yes - but they didn't - why, because of their girlfriends.

So I am starting this thread in an attempt to:

dispel the myths about why women are single
to give us a safe place to moan without being ordered to join clubs!
discuss matters pertaining to single women.

I hope someone else posts now!

Latara, it isn't you. It isn't your weight, depression or lack of confidence, it is luck - there are things you can do to greaten your chances but none are guaranteed to work! I am a very sunny confident happy person (outwardly!) but - no man!

It is luck. I was single for three years in my late twenties - great social life, skinny as bejesus except for the great boobs , the most confident I've ever been, life and soul of everything going, up for a relationship but very happy in my daily life too... And single for 3 years. And I don't mean that kind of glamorous twenties singledom where you've got all these men chasing you and you wave them away because you're having too much fun. I truly mean that (with the exception of a few ONS which were never going to be anything else) I didn't meet a single person in that time who I fancied, who fancied me, and was available. And I met quite a lot of people.

And in the end I got together with someone I met on the internet (not even dating, just chatting on forums).

Mad; same here. Just never met anyone. I do think some people think you should be with someone - you should either be in a relationship, or looking (a month or so after ending a serious relationship is permitted.)

I am not beautiful but like most women, scrub up quite nicely- but I don't know, I wish I did know - I have never met someone who is attracted to me (that I know of.)

This thread is awesome! So many things I agree with and so much to say - so sorry this post is somewhat epic.

First up, I don't think it's been said here yet, though apologies if I am repeating, but the sentiment that sums up the disadvantages of long term singledom for me is not about having someone to do something with, but about having someone to do nothing with. It's the lazy Sundays or the weekday evenings or the on-a-whim times when having a person you love and love being with comes into its own. Going out for supper or to the cinema or for a walk without having to arrange stuff weeks in advance, or having someone to split household chores with (or childcare, even if its just for 10 mins so you can run out to the shop or go to the gym or pop round to a friend). Or just to sit in the same room, watch telly, browse the newspapers...

Second - seems like men can (or think they can) pick & choose without making an effort. Join a club you say? Well great, me and every other proactive, energetic, outgoing woman in the neighbourhood will see you there. The single men however will be down the gym, down the pub, in the office or festering at home. I went on a holiday for single people (NOT dating style, just a holiday). Who else went? 10 women, all generally well- presented, interesting, attractive, outgoing. 3 men, all massively overweight and socially inept. The men were surprised they didnt pull any of the women that week! The widowed FIL of a friend of mine is in his 70s and wants to meet a new woman. But she must be in her 40s or 50s at a push, and he thinks that being a companion for him would be enough of a draw, hasn't occurred to him to think about what he brings to the table.

But maybe men can be complacent? I have four single female friends, all attractive, outgoing etc. I don't know one single man, attractive or otherwise. They are all married. There seems to be so much pressure on women to "find" someone, is there the same pressure on men?

OD - it's either your thing or it's not. Identify if you have fun with it asap and if you don't, then drop it - was a massive relief when I did so. A friend of mine is addicted, literally, to OD. She spends a fortune on it. She goes on anything from 1-3 dates a week. Entirely with the aim of meeting someone to marry and have kids with. Keeps saying she will give it up but can't let go of the "happy-ever-after" we're all fed as being our right and our destiny. But, if she gave it up she would have a lot of free time to fill, which must be daunting.

Finally - the issue of married friends and their insensitivities. So tricky. Of course people want their family time, I would not want to intrude. But often I feel it is the male partner who has the say in whether a single friend is included. I have friends who have lovely husbands who are chatty, pleasant company and inclusive. And other lovely friends whose husbands barely give me the time of day. If I go for dinner, they stick talking to the other men, so I can see why I would not be included as they think, unfairly, that to invite me would result in their wife being monopolised, and them being left out! It's a real knife in the ribs to be asked out for a weekend day by a woman "because her husband is away." Like you're only good enough to keep her company and because she can't cope with a bit of time on her own?

Thank you OP for starting this thread and giving me so much to identify with. Childless or not, there are massive ups and downs to being single and coping with the downs is easier when others understand.

Fabulous post, built, agree with every single word!

Today i'm going to the gym so you never know the nice trainer might be there and talk to me (even if he is just being friendly); i'll go to Tesco at 5pm so lots of guys will be there hopefully, i haven't given up hope of meeting a boyfriend one day just through being out and about - it's happened before!

You're better than me - it NEVER has happened for me!

I think it's just chance or luck if it happens blackbird - but also I do find that if i'm happier, feeling more confident and also dressed in a brighter outfit then I'm more likely to get chatting to a man, or get an admiring glance, or even have been asked out before.

Also if I forget about wanting a boyfriend and feel more relaxed as a result then maybe I seem more approachable.

All I know is that when i'm feeling depressed no-one looks my way.

Please don't totally give up hope of meeting a man you like; I'm 36 and only had STRs no LTR by the way - mainly because I used to date a certain type of man who was bad for me (but had lots of fun!).

Now i'm more fussy but (to my shame) the last man I really fell in love with was married so that didn't last (we both felt too guilty); also I dated a guy who was separated and went back to his wife.

Hopefully it will all come right in the end and we will all meet decent available men!

I don't think I will latara, honestly I don't! If I really thought there was a chance I'd meet someone I wouldn't be having a baby alone.

I have some lovely clothes and wear them and I am nice, friendly ... just don't get anywhere!

Ah well, I suppose some people just don't!

Brilliant post Built. I agree with it all especially the part about being invited out by married friends when their husbands are away!!! I thought I was just being ultra sensitive by being irritated when that happens! Last week I had a friend ask if she could pop round for a drink as her husband was away for the night! Grrrrrrrrr!!!

Are you having trouble getting any attention from men at all or just have trouble finding men who hit the right buttons?

Oh, I've never met men who want to be in a relationship with me.

I didn't have a very easy transition from adolescence to adulthood. By the time I was in a position to meet someone, they'd all been claimed! just the way it goes. Nice to know I am not alone, though, and to be able to have a whine.

I find I can fill days or evenings after work but it tends to be weekends that are a killer.

Agree about weekends; I work alternate weekends though.

Hi, thought I'd join in as am in a similar position to a lot of you. Am single since separating from my ex h over 2 years ago, he now lives with someone else. I am 34 and have 2 dcs who I had in my 20s.

I have almost no single friends. When I was doing the marriage/dcs thing they were all out partying still and now I'm single and ready to mingle they're all popping out babies! So I've always been out of step iykwim.

I wonder if early/mid 30s is a particularly tough time to be single because so many people are married and have young dcs at this age? I also wonder if in 10 years time a lot of these 1st partnerships will have fallen by the wayside (cynical!) and a new wave of eligible singles will be back on the market? So the men will be single because their relationships have failed for genuine reasons rather than because they are terminally undateable, which seems to be the case currently! I did put a profile on guardian soul mates but I don't think anyone wants a single mum tbh. I took it down fairly quickly anyway, I really don't think OD is for me, plus it's a bit difficult in the line of work I do to be online in that capacity I think.

I am ok though. I enjoy being a single mum and doing what I want with my kids, we've just got back from Glastonbury which we all really enjoyed. I'm glad I can focus on them without having to worry about a partners needs/wants too. I have EOW to myself when they're with their dad and enjoy this time to myself to see friends or whatever. I have an emotionally demanding job and am studying for a masters, after which I hope to do a phd. So I don't know when I'd even have time for a relationship.

I have some amazing friends who I utterly adore and several fwb's so I never go long without sex. To be honest, I would only trade the life I have now for nothing short of perfection, and as I am unlikely to find that I have accepted that this is how things will stay. I may well find myself feeling lonely as I approach middle age, but then by the laws of statistics at least some of my friends will be separated/divorced by then too!

Jaceybee your post is interesting thanks. I wouldn't say i'm so happy because I don't have children; at nearly 37 i'm very concerned that time is running out but I don't want to have children by myself.

I do have a friend who met her fiancé fairly recently and just has had her first baby at 39 so i'm hopeful still!

My experience is that people who split with a partner tend to pick a new one up very quickly - that's why I realised I was out of the market really. It's a bit like getting a job - easier from the stance of employment!

My experience is the longer I'm single (over 2 years now) the less likely I believe I'll have another 'proper' relationship. most days I'm ok with it. Today I'm not, especially as ex dropped DD off from college and he's all bright and bubbly and that just twists the knife. I'm 53 and I know i've had the one and only significant relationship I'm ever going to have.

I'm currently project managing work on my house. I feel really vulnerable because all the firms I've contacted for quotes send blokes out. I feel vulnerable to being charged over the odds because I'm a woman on my own. Yes, I have male friends (all married to friends of mine) but I hate asking for help and I am acutely aware of the 'single woman' syndrome which really does exist.

I've got a date tomorrow actually. I don't fancy him from his OD photo but his messages sound like he's got loads of warmth, confidence and spark and I think I need that in a dating partner.

I don't feel lonely, I'm too busy and make sure I've got a social life. But??I miss having someone who really gets me.

Aka, I hope your date goes well.

Glad you've bumped this as I see the 'join clubs, make an effort, try online dating' advice is alive and well!

Yes good luck on your date Aka

I'm too nervous to try OD for now; may try it when I've lost a little more weight (or am I just putting it off... probably!).

Tonight i'm going out in town to a bar with a good band so I aim to chat to at least one man... maybe, if I don't chicken out of that too.
Either way, I plan to have a good time!

Hi all ? this is my first post on Mumsnet! I tend to lurk, as I?m not a Mum so I feel like a bit of a fraud on here. But this thread I can relate to!

I?m 32, educated, with a job I really love; I?m reasonably attractive, normal BMI , and I?ve had three 3 year+ relationships in the last 12 years. Each one has ended because I just? couldn?t imagine marrying the guy. It?s been a few months since the end of the last, and having told myself that this time I won?t go out with someone for longer than a few months if I just don?t see it being a marriage prospect (each of my long relationships I?ve known from near the start that I wouldn?t marry them), suddenly the chances of having a long term relationship again look pretty bleak.

I actually really like my life ? I'm fortunate in that I live in a big city with a fair number of thirty-something singles, I meet lots of people through work, I have a good social life, and lots of hobbies. Mostly I?m pretty happy being single.

But. But. I just don?t meet people that I want to date. There is certainly a smaller pool of available people, and less interest in me, now that I?m in my thirties. And when I think that maybe I will never marry, and never have kids, I do feel this rising panic and sense of despair. As though the future I?d always assumed I would have was just a mirage. And I don?t know what I could or should do differently.

I worry that at some point I will just give up, find and marry someone who seems ?ok? so that I can have the kids and the conventional package ? and it?s really not what I want for myself. Sometimes I even wonder whether some of my friends who have married in the past couple of years have actually done just that, and the appearance of being ?so in love? is just a façade. And then I feel awful about myself for wondering.

Anyway, here are my own personal favourite things to hear:

You just need to be open to it. What does this even mean? I?m aware that I?m single, I?d like a relationship, I spend plenty time out meeting people? how do I become ?more open?? Please tell me.

You?re too picky. If the attraction?s not there, and it?s not there after a few weeks or months it?s just? not, right? How is a relationship with someone I?m not attracted to, or who sets my teeth on edge, helping anyone?

It?s a relief to find this thread!! Sorry for the long post!

I have to admit, I felt depressed when I saw another single lady on here being given advice to 'join groups' and 'get out there' and 'try online dating it can be such a laugh.' I must have a strange sense of humour as I don't find ten messages from 44 year olds who live 100 miles away saying 'u have a beautiful smile' particularly funny!

nonresident - have you considered trying for a child alone? I don't mean now, it doesn't sound like you're that desperate yet but in years to come? It does really remove that pressure.

Interestingly I was having a chat with my friend on Thursday and her husband has left her and her eight month old DS. She is understandably in pieces but she did say she was quite jealous of my decision to go it alone which surprised me as she and her DH seemed very happy. I suppose you just never know! I went to a party last night in a pub beer garden where, even though must people were coupled up, most hadn't brought their spouses and it was great and lovely not to feel like the third wheel.

I find online dating great to start with, meeting new people, going out to new places. But after a few months of dating f**kwits, you get bored of it!

I rarely ever went on dates with blokes who messaged or wanted to meet me. You have to be proactive & start messaging yourself if you ever want to date someone you're vaguely interested in!

It's been a useful tool to learn about men though after spending my whole adult life with my first boyfriend! Now I've learnt more, I'm not sure I'm so keen to have one again!

blackbird I have thought about having a baby by myself... I still have a bit of sadness though when I realise that I won't have that Mum, Dad and baby happy family tableau that I'd always imagined. It also makes me sad that my baby wouldn't have the same kind of traditional childhood that I had - even though I know kids can have great childhoods in all kinds of settings, I'd always hoped to give my offspring the kind of upbringing my parents gave me. And I (irrationally?) hate the idea of my coworkers pitying me going it alone, and I imagine my Mum and Dad would worry a lot (they live in a different country, so wouldn't be able to help out). I'm embarrassed to admit that I care that much what people might think, and it's something I'd need to get over. I might well be misjudging all of them too - chances are they'd be really supportive. So I have lots of my own prejudices and mental roadblocks that I'd have to work through to have a baby alone. But it's all simmering away in my mind, and I've decided that if I'm still single when I turn 34 I'm going to start taking serious steps down that road.

How far along are you in that process? I'd be fascinated to hear about it!

And I can't quite get my head around internet dating, for some reason I find the idea depressing. And it doesn't sound like the ladies on this thread have found it very helpful!!

I don't know if this helps or not, nonresidentalien but EVERYTHING you have said sums up how I felt, honestly.

I felt very sad and in a way went through a sort of 'grieving process' that I wasn't going to have the wedding, the family holidays and the fairytale ending. Even though I knew a lot of it was a façade, it was still a façade I craved, if that makes sense.

I asked myself very honestly if I was a foetus () would I want to be born to me, and my answer was yes - I have so much to offer a child, I know they will come first and be so, so loved. I can't give them a Dad, but I can give them so much more.

Only a few people know - I imagine others I am not close to will assume a brief (but evidently passionate!) relationship. Everyone has been incredibly supportive, even my Dad which amazed me in fact.

Personally I hate internet dating but just as it isn't for everyone it isn't not for everyone, if that makes sense. The problem is it gets flung at people as a panacea for all "I would like a boyfriend" musings, often preceded by, "Get yourself out there!" However most of us think of the Internet first! It just doesn't work for me - I HATE it!

blackbird what you say about the grieving process, and craving the façade, absolutely resonates with me. It has been an unexpected experience, grieving an idea or a dream that I never really knew meant so much to me until I realised it might not happen.

I think I might find it easier if I knew in RL someone who has chosen to have a child alone - but I don't. That's one reason I am so interested to hear about your experience. You know, I'm not sure that many of my couple friends with kids really analysed their situation from the foetal perspective before having children! Maybe that degree of self-scrutiny is an unexpected upside to having a baby in a non-traditional way? Anyway, I'm so glad people in your life have been supportive. Have you found any good online resources? The MN 'Lone Parents' board understandably seems to be mostly aimed at single parents who have separated.

Maybe there's someone else lurking on the thread who has been through this too?!