Being single

[blackbirdatglanmore]

This is a spin off from another thread on here which made me realise several of us were in the same boat.

When you split up with a partner, or express anxiety about the years ahead, either because you want a baby or just worry about being alone, one of two responses tends to be made.

The first response is that you WILL meet somebody, it is easy, the person you're talking to has and they know an aunts friends neighbour who did. If you've been alone some time the response becomes accusatory and tells you that you haven't made the effort and you need to 'put yourself out there.' For most people this means online dating or 'clubs'.

The second response is that you should be happy for beng single - grateful in fact, because they had an abusive partner some years ago and are happier without him and if you're lonely maybe you should join a club.

This thread is for single women in the real world. To take the first response, you may meet somebody, that is true. However, for some of us we know its unlikely. In my case it is my age. I am mid-thirties, most men my age are settled with a marriage, a mortgage and children. Younger men want younger women. I joined mysinglefriend last year (online dating site) and the numbers of hugely attractive, professional women in their thirties was significant. I got nowhere with that, one date and we had little in common. I have since spoken to many women who have admitted online dating wasn't for them, and nor was it for me. I am a slow burner and can't feign affection for somebody on the basis of one meeting. That leaves meeting someone in 'real life' which is not easy. Certainly all (I'm really not exaggerating) the men I meet are attached.

While you can be happy alone, and I am, it doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. My social life is restricted and I spend a lot of time alone because my friends are married with babies/small children. Holidays are difficult. I don't get to enjoy any intimacy (I wouldn't like one night stands) and while I've taken the step of deciding to have a child alone, for other women accepting single hood means accepting being childless which would break my heart.

The advice to 'put yourself out there' and join clubs is well meaning but doesn't account for the lack of 'clubs' - certainly around here the clubs are for young mothers and for retired people! Not quite what I am looking for!

'Get a pet' is also advice that can be very upsetting. I have two cats, they are much loved animals but they are not a people substitute and should not be viewed as such.

Sme people assume you are single because on some subconscious level you are damaged and shy fom intimate relations. There was perhaps some truth in that for me once, but in the last seven years I have worked with men who I found attractive and who I was drawn to. If they'd asked, I'd have said yes - but they didn't - why, because of their girlfriends.

So I am starting this thread in an attempt to:

dispel the myths about why women are single
to give us a safe place to moan without being ordered to join clubs!
discuss matters pertaining to single women.

I hope someone else posts now!

don't fear having a child alone. one child is easy anyway, it's when the second comes along that it all gets really hard. (imo) if you have a child alone from the get go then you're sparing your child all the aggro and the relocation and the division of cds. Everything is calm and stable and it will continue that way.

I'm a single parent and I have been since my DD was 4 wks old - she's 7 next week. I don't really think I could imagine anyone else sharing our little world on an intimate level.
For the most part I'm happy with my world, I work nights so socialising is a bit tricky but I have some good friends who I can text or chat to in the evenings and one single friend who I meet up with occasionally.
The reason I'm posting is that my single friend has just started dating. (last week infact)
Its all shiny and new and while I think its about time, I'm really not that thrilled with the constant updates and questions "why would someone say this??"
Plus it feels like the end of an era...I'm a mean bitch I know, but wouldn't you think someone starting a new relationship would seek advice from someone with some bloody experience in the field??!

I don't know anyone in real life who is doing what I am. That's probably because all my friends are married though, so don't need to.

Fertility friends do have a single women's section but it's not massively busy, and anyway I tend to find people's experiences differ so wildly. In some ways lesbian parents are your closest allies as they are faced with the same practical difficulties and sometimes the same prejudices.

Finances are probably the main cause of stress. It's expensive trying for and raising a child alone and we won't be able to afford much for a few years.

I'm one of four people I know in my social circle who have had children outside of relationships - admittedly accidentally but the father has not been in the picture since conception. I think going it alone is becoming a more popular choice.

Anyway, of those friends, one has a high-flying career and lots of help, one has just got off income support after nearly three years, I am at university and the other is yet to give birth. Unlike Zynnia I wouldn't agree "one is easy" when you have been through the whole of pregnancy, birth and bringing them up alone. At least, I am not finding it "easy". Maybe I'm not up to the job

I hope I am allowed on this thread, been single for 5 years with a DS of 2.5. No intention of getting into a relationship though. I don't believe in monogamy.

Hi folks. I am single with 2 DCs aged 5 and 4. I am very happy with my single status. I separated from my alcoholic husband and I am busy focusing on giving me and my children an exceptional life.

I do go out. I moved back to my home town and occasionally pop out on a Friday night to my local pub. I know I will always see people I know there. I have a great job and an interest in politics so get involved in lots of things.

I don't worry about the couples who only want to socialise with couples as I know I'd find them dull.

I had a FWB for a while but it didn't work out as he became too involved in our lives. I don't think I am ready to bring someone into the fold just yet.

I do feel lonely sometimes but I was so much more lonelier trapped in my terrible marriage.

nice - there is a world of difference between having a child alone and raising a child alone, even if the latter was a one night stand. It is the planning in the former that makes the difference. Sorry if that sounds pedantic - it isn't meant to be - it's just you do get people who say "ooh yes I was a single mother by choice because I went ahead with the pregnancy even knowing that the father wouldn't be involved." They aren't the same things, at all.

Llaregrub - sounds like things are going well for you. It isn't always as straightforward for the rest of us

blackbird" I do know what you mean. About 4-5 years ago (early 40s) I seriously thought of going it alone from the start. But I chickened out I'd been the elder daughter of a quite emotionally needy mother (and emotionally unintelligent father but that's another story) and thought that from that experience, it was unethical to bring a child into the world to serve my* emotional needs. And I knew that my mother wouldn't be around for any sort of support, nor other family not malicious, just distance & my mother's dislike of the cold, so she won't visit England. And also, I too, had tat vision of the father and the family ...

Of course, a couple rarely thinks at all about why they want a child/children. They just do it because it's natural blah blah blah.

So I absolutely get what you mean, and I think you're very brave to do it. I wish you all my heartfelt best (whatever value the good wishes of a stranger on the internets has!).

Well, I wouldn't say it was going very well today. I am ill (fluey type thing) and have had to crack on with breakfasts, school runs and cooking and general marshalling of two lively boys. It's actually really hard today. I'd like to curl up under the duvet and sleep but obviously I can't.

But I do have a date lined up. I met him on OD and unusually, I haven't had a barrage of suggestive text messages from him. Just nice, chatty texts over a longish period. It's the first time it has happened and it is a sad reflection of OD that I have such a low bar of expectation!

Marmite, it's worth more than you might think, to be honest.

I know I'm going to stay single now, and that's why I feel fine about doing it 'my' way because it's either have a child alone, or don't have a child at all, and the latter is unbearable.

It could be a long journey, though.

niceupthedance sorry didn't mean to offend there! it's my second child who is the "challenging" one as they say with raised eyebrows. Just my experience but I found the first one on her own very manageable! And I got NO help from her dad. NONE.

Maybe it's because I've been on a rollercoaster myself (rather than the white picket fence with 2.4 kids, Volvo, Labrador etc straight path, but I don't understand why it's so much harder for people to understand a woman having a child on her own. I think it scares people when women decide they don't need men. Society and friends and family don't realise that though. It sits right with them if you were abandoned or let down or 'caught out'. If you pro-actively announce that you're taking control of your own fertility and have a baby alone.

or, not decide that we don't need men, but take action that is more pro-active than sitting around hoping /waiting for the right man for the job!

Zynnia - you're absolutely right. It terrifies society, or at least, some streams of society. They accept women who accidentally become pregnant - but a planned and therefore wanted baby elicits unwanted interference and a number of inane questions - "Why don't you just adopt?" "Why don't you try online dating?" "Well if it was me I'd foster." Easy to say when it's NOT you, of course.

Blackbird I can see the difference in planning a baby on your own, yes. The end result is the same though.

I've had plenty of people say to me "well, you made your decision" when I'm struggling to parent alone. I imagine that would hurt just as much whether you went through IVF to have a child or not.

Good luck with your plans.

Ugh, nice - people actually say that to you? How horrible, and unhelpful. I can only imagine they'd say it even louder if you'd planned the pregnancy alone.

I do wonder how I'd find it, being a lone parent. Maybe it's one of those things you can't know until you do it. The only thing I'm sure of is that money would definitely be tight for me in that situation, at least in the early years.

And blackbird, I'm also wishing you the very best!

I am a lone parent. My exH does not see our DCs at all. In many ways it is easier, as we are a cosy little family who please ourselves. When I split with my husband I moved nearer my family. I'd say being close to family or good friends is an essential.

Being organised is another. You can't just pop to the shops when the kids are in bed. I keep bread and milk in the freezer for such emergencies.

I'd say it is easier when they are babies. Babies are portable and if you are not a routine freak your life doesn't need to change that much.

To anyone wondering if they can handle lone parenting, I'd say stop wondering. Children teach you what to do as you go along and people are very supportive.

I'm ill at the moment and obviously struggling on to get the boys off to school etc. I've had offers of help from people I scarcely know. You really do find out who your friends are!

Have been reading this with great interest. When I was with my ex dp I found out he was a regular pot smoker. This greatly upset me as I hate pot. I came on here and everyone told me to dump him. My friends and family in real life told me that pot wasn't that bad and that I should 'work at it.' This is despite none of them smoking pot for good reasons.
In other words they meant it is better to be in a realtionship with someone than noone at all. Bollocks. A real gem from someone was that I shouldn't complain, get mad or shout about the pot; I should be nice and sweet about it. It just demonstrates how deferential we as females are supposed to be.
In the end he dumped me anyway. I was devastated. I now know that I should have dumped him first and saved myself the pain but I was in love. Now I have come to my senses I am looking foward to a man -free summer and a lovely holiday in Ibiza with dd. If I was with a man I would have ummed and aaahed about the holiday and would have had to compromise. My ex worked at Glastonbury festival and was going to get me a job there. As it happened I got myself a job there and had a lovely tiome on my own, met lots of people, had a few snog and generally came back full of it. As it happens ladies I rekon, try not to dwell on being single, get out there and have fun and I bet some of your coupled friends will be envious as their dp won't let them do x, y or z.
My dad and his gf drive me mad as they are joined at the hip and have to have a major discussion about very single little detail. His gf is lovely but can't drive and recently admitted she wouldn't have the guts to go on holiday alone. i'm so glad I can!

sounds good, enjoy the holiday!

Sorry I am having a little boast but my point is I guess that just look out for yourself and have fun. Many couples I know don't have half the adventures that I do. When dd was very young I had no money to go away on holiday but just being able to go for a walk without some kind of discussion is refreshing.

I don't think you are boasting, superstar but all the same I don't think you've quite understood what I and others are talking about here. You are (forgive me) 'visiting' the single life, you have a child, and I presume, given you worked at a festival this summer, family to support you.

'Get out there and have fun' makes me want to cry. This week alone i have been to a birthday party, out for a meal, I have been to a Zumba (!) session, I have gone to meet a local author signing his books in our local booksellers. I did all these things with friends. In fact I often think single people tend to have more by way of social occasions than their married counterparts.

But I go home alone, I am ill now and I am wiping my bum on a dishcloth because I ran out of loo roll and am too poorly to go to the shop and stock up. If I died (I won't) I would be fly food. I could go on holiday - alone or for a walk - alone - would there be a point? I'm not so sure there would be. I did I go away alone once and got some really strange looks - obviously this wouldn't be the case if I had a child with me but 'alone' alone does elicit some peculiar glances.

It sounds like you've split with your partner recently and are just now coming round - great BUT bear in mind that at the moment you are visiting the single world, and like all visits you only see the good. It's when you move in permanently some of the real downsides slip in - and you will find you can never, ever voice them, because you will be told you should get out there and have fun.

yeah, I feel lonely today. I have texted two friends and they're both busy. I don't think I'll see or talk to another adult until the weekend. And only then if I can get a babysitter. I am not continually lonely, far from it, but I am today. Which is weird, cos the sun is shining and everybody is so happy! I love the sun but sometimes it can be like Christmas, it sort of accentuates that you've nobody to go and to things with.

I feel awful Sorry for such a negative post but I need somewhere 'safe' I can have a cry.

I just want to be enjoying the sunshine like a 'normal' person. Everyone is busy doing family stuff this weekend - I have been out quite a lot in the week - so never mind, I thought, I'll go to a beer festival. EVERYONE was in couples or families. I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb (I probably didn't.) Came home and I have to get through tonight and tomorrow. Another weekend without speaking to another fucking living person.

And why is it like this for me - am I so revolting and gross that no one wants to love me or live with me or be with me?

Sorry. Feel like shit!

hi can i join? im a mum of 3 kids (whos dad passed away a few years ago) and im preg with no.4 but split up with my fw ex seven weeks ago after he became nasty and controlling, and a vile bully. havent heard from him since (not that im complaining), so im trying to just 'get on with it'. im 24 weeks atm. not going to lie its lonely as hell but im a trooper, ive done it before and worn the t-shirt, so on i soldier....

hope everyones ok xx

god that's rough honey. I hope your first three kids are a little older. back to square one with a baby. that is tough. you're better on your own than with a bully. I know that from experience.

blackbird I had an 'interesting' discussion with a friend a couple of evenings ago. She is married, very happily I think. Anyway, another friend announced that she is now ready for a relationship, that connection. The married friend gave the advice of making sure she was at peace with herself, accepted herself, etc.... I suggested really gently I thought that that wasn't a cool thing to say. The reaction it provoked was quite extreme! My normally very calm, very sensible, very intelligent friend (who has been through a lot with infertility and ivf and losing pregnancies) just couldn't could not would not acknowledge that I might have a perspective she did not have. The conversation became a bit woolly then, I was no longer certain what was being discussed.

But it was a weird thing. Yes, sadly it is true. Women ARE blamed for being single and if they point that out, they're told to sort out their demons, find peace, accept themselves................... I have just left it. There's nothing I can say. She thought she'd hit a nerve with me

She's not normally arroagant but found her complete refusal to accept that it's not the right thing to say quite arrogant and a bit upsetting.

uh huh.... yeah all three are in full time school in sept so im thankful i have the age gap... i had them 3 close together (7,5 and 4) and that really was hard they are quite independent now, all toilet trained, dress themselves etc.

and i agree, as much as there is lonely times im much more settled without him., without the pressure he put me under xx